Chapter 1
Cath´s Pov
Is it wrong that I kinda got used to this feeling? That I wake up knowing that you and I are acting like we wouldn't exist to each other and also knowing that I won't do anything to change this situation? Or is it just wrong that I still, after six months constantly ignoring each other, haven't moved on or thought about it?
I don't know and that's why I am sitting in my car in front of your apartment. It's almost half an hour since I arrived here and I still haven't done anything. I didn't even try to exit the car. I am scared. Scared about your reaction about my visit. To be honest... even I don't know why I am here and what I am hoping to achieve by coming by.
I know I should get out.
To other people I must look like a stalker. Am I a stalker if I watch you as much as I can? At least as much as I can at work? I can't concentrate around you. Whenever you catch me looking I try at least not to look away immediately. I try to hold your gaze. But it's just so accusing.
I can't look in those eyes knowing that I caused you this. I know you would never confess to anyone that you are hurt. That you are deeply hurt, to be specific by me. And maybe most of the people around you doesn't notice. You are marvellous at hiding your feelings.
But I notice.
I notice so much about you. I noticed that you are hurt. I mean those looks are making it hard for me not to notice. I also noticed that you are drowning your pain in alcohol. I noticed that you do it alone at home or with random strangers at bars.
You are trying to act like you walked on.
I am almost sure that it isn't true although I see the marks of your nightly activities. But even if you are together with other people it still doesn't have to mean that you moved on.
I am not even mad.
I mean I am jealous, of course, but I am not mad or angry. I don't know why. Probably because I feel guilty and because I am not going to let my fault cause you more pain than it already has. I pretty much left you without saying much at all. At one day it just stooped. And you had to cope with it.
Alone.
You always have been a loner. Of course you had your friends but you just weren't really the "let me tell ya something about me" type. You knew a lot about other people though, even if the didn't tell you, but nobody knew much about you.
I was, and I emphasize the was, one of the rare people you let near you. You would let your walls down around me, you would tell me about your dreams and fears.
And I would listen... until I left.
You are just such a loving and caring person. You would risk everything for someone you really care about. Without second thoughts you would risk it all.
And I hurt you like this.
In the meantime I am leaning my forehead against my car.
At least I am out of the car now.
A few steps. Just a few steps. Come on, where is Miss Confident?
I hear footsteps but I am too lost in thought to give it more thought than needed.
"What are you doing here?"
What? Oh no, don't let it be her. I am not ready to talk to her. Give me at least another three hours.
But I didn't need to turn around to confirm that it was her. I know her voice. I would recognize it while thousand other people were talking about god knows what.
"What?", I looked at her with a look that only could be described as confused.
That's right pretend that you are dumb. That's probably the best way.
"You heard me.", she said with vacant stare.
Okay, maybe it isn't the best way.
"I... er... was...", I stuttered.
Clear sentences. Breathe. Breathe in and breathe out and then talk.
"You know what? Forget it.", she said and then turned and left.
What?! No... don't go. Just let me get my thoughts straight. I need to think about what to say.
"No!", I said out of pure desperation.
I told myself not to beg. I won't make it worse than it is already. I won't let her hate AND pity me.
"No? No, what?", she asked.
Is she making it hard for me on purpose? Isn't it clear what I mean?
"Don't go...", I said just above a whisper.
She now stooped staring at me and looked at the floor while sighing heavily.
"Don't do this... please...", she pleaded as she came nearer and finally looked up at me again.
I know this look. She is fighting against her pride. Please let her win. If there is a god, please let her win this fight. Give me one more chance.
Tears are welling up in my eyes now and I don't trust my voice so I stay silent.
"Please, Cath, don't do this...", she repeated.
I looked at her and waited for her to continue.
She once again sighed, "I did and would have done everything for you... so just do me this one favor and don't do this. Not now."
And just when I was about to answer a woman called Sara's name. Sara looked at me wordlessy but straight into my eyes like she wanted me to understand this without explaining much.
As the woman approached us, or more specific when she approached Sara she put her arm protectively around the waist of Sara.
"What is taking you so long? I thought you just wanted to bring out the garbage?", said the, on closer look, very attractive blond woman who was obviously more than just a friend to Sara.
Hopefully they didn't hear my heart crack. Although I think even deaf people could have heard my heart cracking.
She is seeing someone? Why didn't I knew this? I thought I would recognize such thing.
"Hey, I just was delayed because I met Catherine.", Sara said never leaving my eyes.
Ouch! That hurts. Okay, keep it cool Catherine. Don't let your hurt show. You can do this."Oh... so you are Catherine.", she said as if she hadn't heard the best stories about me. "I heard a lot about you."
There you go...
"Hi.", I got out, very insecure of what to say. I didn't even managed to hold out my hand.
Great now she thinks I am a bitch, namely a very impolite bitch.
What's wrong with you? You are Catherine Willows. People are intimidated by you not the other way round.
"Hey, I am Anna.", she said while tightening her hold around Sara's waist.
"Ann, why don't you go ahead while I say goodbye to Catherine?", Sara asked not breaking eye contact with me.
Yeah, why don't you go ahead, Ann? Mind your own business!
"Yes, of course. Don't take to long though, dinner's almost ready.", she said and kissed her softly on the cheek. And still Sara wasn't leaving my eyes.
Is she tempting me? Does she want me to see this? Does she want to hurt me?
"I won't.", Sara said and Anna gave me one last look before leaving.
"I should go...", I began only to be cut off by Sara.
"Yeah you should...", she said harshly. "look...", she said a little bit calmer closing her eyes. After she ran her hand through her hair and opened her eyes again she came closer in order to be able to whisper in my ear.
The only thing I thought was, 'Oh. My. God. I can feel her breath tickle my neck.'
"I am going to regret this, I know that, but I can't go on like this. So please, let me go. Ann could be the one I could move on with, maybe even be happy with only if you'd let me go...", she whispered ruefully and after that she kissed my neck and went away.
"Let you go?", I asked in disbelief. "Let you go?", I repeated.
But Sara just walked on till she vanished into her apartment complex.
'I can't let you go because I am in love with you', 'I don't want you to move on', 'Start with me again', 'Give me another chance'. Why didn't I just said one of these sentences? But no, I am just standing like a lovesick puppy in the parking lot in front of her apartment looking damn ridiculous. Damn me, I had the chance.
With trembling fingers I touch the spot where she kissed me. It's still tingling.
God why can't I move on? I left. Why do I have to do this now? To me and to her.
"I need a drink.", I said unconsciously.
TBC