A/N This story is a series of one-shots set at Ron and Harry's local, The George and the Dragon. I love writing these two together, I love writing them drunk. And I like being silly. If you have any ideas, let me know!

Hypothetically

It was a Friday night and Harry and Ron were at their favourite muggle pub, The George and The Dragon, and were happily three pints down and well on their way with the fourth. It had been a tough week for both of them, they were both living together currently, Hermione had moved into the flat as well when she'd left school but Ginny was in Holyhead, she had rented a little flat there. It wasn't the flat that had been tough (although adjusting to having a female around that expected them to put the seat down and put things in the rubbish was). It was work.

They'd had a string of shit missions of late and their last one had involved a child, which was always horrific but this one had been more so as it was the first case involving a child they'd dealt with alone.

It was all sorted, but they'd both stepped into the pub with the intention of getting rat-arsed and forgetting everything they'd looked at that week.

Harry and Ron were best mates, had been for a long time, but when mates got together at the pub they talked about two things: Quidditch, and sex. Now they had Quidditch down, even though Harry wasn't interested in the league and was only bothered about Ginny making chaser at Holyhead. The other option for discussion, sex, was left alone for obvious reasons.

When Ron had drinks with Dean and Seamus, or even god forbid Neville, sex would be a main topic of discussion. But with Harry, that was impossible. They had agreed (with a handshake) never to discuss it, it was too weird, too gross and neither of them wanted to know what the other got up to with their girlfriend. (Even if Harry had to silence Hermione and Ron's room three nights out of seven to block it out.)

But there are some things you only want to talk to with your best mates, and that is where our story starts.

"Harry, I need to ask you something, and it's really embarrassing," Ron said suddenly, interrupting Harry on his tirade on the inadequacies of modern journalism.

"Ron," Harry said slowly, "you once demonstrated your penis size to me on a piece of parchment to try and see if you were 'big' or not."

Ron flushed, ears burning as Harry laughed at his expense. "Look, if you are going to laugh about it-"

"Who said I was going to laugh?" Harry interjected

"You're laughing right now!" Ron howled. "Look, just, forget it."

"No, No, I can control myself," Harry schooled his features, but both were aware of his twitching lip.

"No, too late. Not telling you."

"Rooooon," Harry complained, "I can't help it!"

"Too late," Ron crossed his arms, sulking as his friend continued to snort into his beer.

Eventually Harry calmed down, "Now you can tell me."

"Just, don't laugh, right?" Ron said wringing his hands.

"I know, I won't. Jesus, getting me all worried now," Harry said in faint concern, taking another drag on his rapidly disappearing drink.

"So me and Hermione, we were, you know, going at-"

"No," Harry interrupted shaking his head quickly and grimacing. "No, No."

"No? NO? You don't even know what I'm going to say!"

"If it has anything to do with you two doing the naked horizontal congo, I want nothing to do with it."

"It isn't," Ron insisted, ears still burning.

"Good," Harry nodded then twiddled his index finger to encourage Ron to continue on with his tale of woe.

"So me and Hermione were having sex and-"

"No!" Harry spluttered, "I said I didn't want ANYTHING to do with this!"

"What?" Ron said haughtily, "we weren't horizontal!"

"Oh for- it's a figure of speech!"

"Yeah for people who haven't managed to say the word SEX. It's SEX Harry, SEX. Say it with me."

"I can say it! I just- this is- Ron I am not talking about you and Hermione having- eugh, sex."

"It's a natural thing, no need to be weird about it," Ron said furiously.

"How would you like it if I talked about getting down and dirty with Ginny," Harry said, his hand thumping onto the table in a bid to make his point. Instead, he just almost knocked over his drink when the table rocked on its uneven legs.

"Confused," Ron said matter of factly.

"That doesn't make any-"

"Because my baby sister doesn't have sex," Ron glared at Harry, daring him to say something Ron could hex him for.

They fell silent.

"She does though," Harry said with a cheeky smile, "real good at it as well, she does this thing, right, where she-"

"I'm going to cut your balls off if you continue," Ron growled. They fell into silence once again. "Okay so we can't talk about actual sex, right?"

"Right."

"So how about hypothetically?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Hypothetically?" Harry asked

"Yeah, hypothetically."

"So this wouldn't have happened?"

"Nope."

"And it wouldn't be about you and Hermione?"

"Um-hum."

"It would all be, hypothetical?"

"Exactly," Ron said, nodding enthusiastically.

"I need another drink," Harry muttered. He returned five minutes later with two beers. "I hate people who don't respect the queue system, some jumped up git tried to cut in front of me in the queue, then this middle aged woman, the one over there, yeah blonde, interrupted the guy and went, 'excuse me' you know like Umbridge used to? 'I think you'll find he's next'."

"Cheers," Ron took his drink, "was he American?"

"Nope, just a tosser."

"Ah," Ron slurped his drink, "so about what I was saying?"

"That hypothetical nonsense?"

"Yeah," Ron said looking rather insulted, "that nonsense." Harry rolled his eyes and gulped more drink, feeling rather like he was going to need it. "So, hypothetically, if you, wait not you, if someone was in this situation you need to tell me what you think you- I mean they- would do. Jesus. So we, I mean, this couple, were getting down to it, it was going real well, and I- I mean the guy- knows he's about to get mega lucky. Hermi- She's got this look in her eye, all hungry, and-..."

"Stop, stop," Harry says, dropping his head onto the table and splattering them both with beer, "I can't do this."

"Come on Harry, I was nearly at the end, it's not real, it's all hypothetical."

"Maybe I could believe that, if you didn't keep messing up! We need to believe this, you've got to sell it to me. It's hypothetical, remember," Harry didn't look up from the table as he spoke, he was rather wishing he had gone home after his second drink.

"Hypothetical. Right," Ron muttered before steeling himself to continue, "so they are going at it," he pauses thinking over his words, "the bloke undresses her, and god is his breath taken away, she's so beautiful, all round and-"

"Ron, too much information."

"I'm just telling you what the bloke was thinking."

"I don't need to know everything you- he- was thinking."

"So she's naked, and she says all sultry, 'strip for me' so he does. He's you know, trying to sell it so he's dancing a little and she's loving it," Ron paused and takes a deep breath, "so all his clothes have come off, he's stood in front of her bollocks naked, and then she starts laughing. I asked, no he asked, what was wrong, but she just kept howling with laughter, in the end they couldn't even have sex because the guy thought she'd finally lost it. Then every time she looked at him for the entire evening she'd start laughing."

Harry blinked at Ron, "Jeez, Ron, you, he, jeez."

"So what do you think?"

"What do I think of this situation, hypothetically? Or what would I do in this hypothetical situation?"

"Not you, like if you were someone else."

"So, hypothetically, if I was someone else, what would I hypothetically think to this hypothetical situation?"

"That sounds about right," Ron nodded.

"I'm way too drunk for this."

"You've hardly drank anything!"

"I had three shots at the bar," Harry confessed.

"HA! There was no guy that cut in front of you!"

"Ron, please," Harry said desperately, "let's just drink up and go home."

"No, tell me what I should do."

"You mean hypothetically?"

"For fucks sake Harry, just tell me what I should do!"

"Just bloody ask her Ron, Jesus, it's probably something really stupid. Like maybe she compared your… wand, to a Basalisk or something."

"Yeah but-"

"Ginny once laughed at me for three days because she decided my cock looked really weird and she felt like it was looking at her."

"Ew- Harry, just-" but Harry was on a roll.

"I said I didn't want to talk about this, now we are bloody still talking about this. I have no idea why she laughed at your naked gangly body. None at all, but I'm not the person you should be bloody asking because fortunately I've never seen you completely starkers! So shove your hypothetical bullshit up your hypothetical arse hole and never, ever ask me anything, hypothetical or otherwise about sex."

"God Harry, it's just sex! Stop being so bloody weird!"

"Weasley!" Harry yelled, causing half the pub to turn and gape at them. "Shut up."

Ron couldn't help but laugh at the expression on his face, in fact, he laughed everytime he saw him for the next week.

He never did ask Hermione what she had been laughing about though, he decided he'd rather not know.

A/N Please leave a review, I love hearing what you think!