A Different Kind of Dream
Zoro didn't dream often but when he did, they were of Kuina. And once in and even longer while, he dreamed of how she died.
It always started with him at the bottom of a large staircase. He would hear Kuina's mocking laugh at the top and begin to follow, intent on challenging her yet again. But before he ever reached the fourth stair, her body would thrown down, tumbling with horrific thuds of impact until a loud crack split the air as she met the bottom. Every time he tried to catch her, she would phase through his hands, as if he weren't really there, just as he hadn't been in reality. The dream would always end right before he reached Kuina's unmoving body.
Even in his dreams, he never got the chance to say goodbye.
Whenever he woke from that specific dream, he'd be in a bad mood that lasted the rest of the day. Nami would nag him so he would snap at her, prompting her stupid blonde prince in shining armor to chew him out which lead to arguing and eventually a physical fight. That would distract him for but a few minutes before Franky pulled them apart to prevent any damage to the Thousand Sunny. Then he would busy himself by training and lifting weights, his usual routine for a normal day, only he'd do one less set than usual because his heart simply wasn't in it, and for him that was both unacceptable and unavoidable, though he'd never tell the others, especially Luffy.
Zoro would never dream the next night, so the following day always brought him back to his normal, dedicated self, so he would train twice as hard to make up for his half-assed attempt the day before.
One night, after a rather large celebratory dinner thrown because they were docking soon after a month of sailing, he lay in his bed, the soft snores of his crewmates lulling him into an easy, comfortable sleep.
The dream started off as it always did, with him at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up expectantly knowing Kuina's laugh would call down to him in a few seconds. Zoro always knew when he was in the dream, but there was nothing he could do to stop it no matter how hard he tried, so he always just grit his teeth and went through the motions.
When Kuina's voice failed to be heard, he felt a weird unease prickling up his spine. This was different and he wasn't sure if that was good or bad. It could've so easily gone either way. Frowning, he slowly went up the first step. He made it all the way to the third before he looked up at the landing where his childhood friend always stood. At long last, he heard a noise, but it wasn't a laugh. Rather, it was the quite sound of soft footsteps. "Kuina?" He called tentatively.
"Zoro?" His heart nearly skipped a beat.
The voice wasn't Kuina's but a certain redhead's. A redhead he had grown increasingly fond of since she had boarded their ship. Zoro felt the air leave his lungs as she rounded the corner, her golden eyes so large and bright and full of life.
"Shiloh…" He managed in a hoarse whisper.
A smile spread across her face as she heard her name. At the sight of her happy expression, Zoro very nearly smiled back, but the momentary relief he felt when he recognized her was immediately destroyed as she advanced towards him and missed the very top step of the stairs.
He saw Shiloh's eyes widen in shock as her body pitched forward. Every fiber of his being was suddenly on fire as he raced up the stairs to catch her. It was as if he were watching the young woman fall in slow motion. He could see her arms flail, her legs twisted about as a result of the misstep, and her crimson hair flying out behind her. He knew he could reach her, he could! He was right there! To his absolute dread, she, just like Kuina always did, fell right through his out-stretched arms as if he were a ghost.
That can't be right! He mentally screamed. She saw me! She spoke to me! She knows I'm here! He was at the bottom of stairs before he could even register that his legs had moved.
With Kuina, the dream would end before he could get to her. But in this dream, in this sick, similar but oh-so-different version with Shiloh, he managed to kneel right next to the redhead. The sight sent a piercing chill through his whole body that stopped at his chest. She landed with her face up, all color drained from her cheeks. Her gold eyes stared blankly ahead, still wide from the shock of the fall.
It's just a dream, he told himself. It's just a dream.
Zoro felt himself being pulled towards awakening as he stared into Shiloh's dead eyes. Her image was fading as his vision clouded into darkness, his head feeling heavy and foggy. Soon enough, he was able to open his unscarred eye and make out the furniture of the men's quarters. Everything was cloaked in moonlight, an obvious reminder that it was still either very late or much too early. It was just a dream.
But was it? Kuina really had died falling down a set of stairs. He knew that specific dream was rooted in memory, horrific as it was. Was it possible that there was some truth to his dream about Shiloh?
Zoro brought a hand up to rub at his tired eyes. That was stupid. He didn't believe in predictions or prophetic visions. He had learned long ago that people made their own choices, shaped their own fate, and people who only lived through dreams without actively pursuing them caused their own ruin.
Even so, a bitter unease was settling in his throat. He had been unable to help Kuina. Would he be just as useless to Shiloh if she needed him? No, he told himself. In his waking life he was strong and able-bodied and his arms were solid. He could catch her if he needed to, keep her steady so she would never stumble to begin with.
Suddenly he remembered that it was he who called out to Shiloh in the dream. He had drawn her to the stairs. Scowling, he tried to shove down the guilt building in his gut. It wasn't possible that he put Shiloh in any danger. It just wasn't.
But it was. Zoro bit his bottom lip and tried not to growl out loud. He had put Shiloh in danger the minute he had accepted her feelings and admitted to returning them. Of course he had tried to get her to reconsider, tried to show her that being with him wasn't smart or safe, but the girl had been persistent and he had very selfishly fallen for her stubborn charm and kept her by his side. Zoro knew, he knew that being with the redhead would put her in danger. So many people already wanted the Straw Hat Pirates dead and how many more would want his head as he moved closer towards becoming the world's greatest swordsman? And yet he couldn't just call it quits.
Would his selfishness get the young woman killed? His blood ran cold. He wasn't sure if he could live with that. Suddenly, the image of her small bent and broken body and empty eyes at the bottom of the stairs swam into his vision and he bolted towards the door, not even bothering to put on a shirt or his boots.
He was being irrational. He was being crazy. He was being absolutely stupid and he hated himself for being so weak. But he had to make sure.
Skidding to a stop, he raised a fist and knocked loudly on the door to the women's quarters. After a few more noisy bangs, Nami threw open the door and sent him a sleepy glare. "What the hell, Zoro?! It's like three in the morning! What are you doing knocking like that-"
"Where's Shy?"
Nami rolled her eyes and drew her robe closer around her. "Inside. Sleeping. Like a normal person."
"Let me in."
The navigator gaped. "Wha- No! She's asleep! Just leave her be!"
"Nami, I swear-"
"Why are you being so weird? Seriously Zoro, just go back to bed! You can talk in the mor-"
A shuffling sound from behind the door and a yawn interrupted the orange haired woman. "What's going on?"
Zoro felt some of the tension in his shoulders fade at the sound of Shiloh's voice. Nami sighed and turned to say, "Good grief… Well, since you're up now, Zoro is here to see you."
"What? Now?"
Nami stomped towards the redhead and pushed her towards the door. Zoro was greeted by the sight of Shiloh with her hair mussed up, a thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Nami shook her head and walked back towards her own bed. "Deal with him and make it quick."
Zoro let out a breath as Shiloh's eyes met his. Something in his face must have given away his worry because her gaze softened as she asked gently, "What's wrong?"
Now that she was standing there watching him, Zoro felt like an absolute idiot for letting a stupid dream get the better of him. "Nothing." He hoped it was too dark for her to see the embarrassed blush that heated his cheeks.
Shiloh tilted her head to one side and blinked. "Zoro, it's the middle of the night," she replied quietly. "It can't be nothing if you're here banging on the door in the middle of the night." He said nothing, her gaze causing his face to burn even more so he looked away at a loss for words. A small but warm hand closed around his, sending a wave of affection through his heart. "Did you have a bad dream?"
Zoro sighed. There was just no hiding anything from Shiloh. The young woman was oddly perceptive to others, a trait that the swordsman found simultaneously endearing and annoying. "I just wanted to make sure you're all right."
Shiloh stepped forward and closed the door behind her. "Why wouldn't I be?" Having no answer to her question, Zoro merely shrugged and let out a huff.
Still holding the swordsman's hand, Shiloh led him over to the side edge of The Sunny and sat, leaning against the wooden paneling. Zoro felt her shift as he settled beside her. She had moved so she could put her blanket around the two of them. Zoro was slightly grateful for the gesture considering he was beginning to feel the chill of the nighttime ocean air since he had been too frantic to get dressed.
Shiloh took his hand again and leaned her head against his bare shoulder. "Do you want to tell me about this dream you had?" Zoro shook his head. There was a pause before the redhead asked softly, "Will you anyway?"
He often found himself wondering why he told Shiloh things that he would never tell anyone. But the wondering would stop within seconds because he knew exactly why. "Sometimes I dream about Kuina."
His companion shifted to sit up straight, sending him a sidelong glance before focusing her suddenly intense gaze forward. She was taking his words seriously and for that he was glad; Shiloh knew how important Kuina had been (and still was) to him. "I see."
"Sometimes," he continued softly, "I dream about how she died."
Shiloh's golden eyes softened. "I'm sorry."
There was no easy way to say what he intended to tell her, so he decided to just come out and say it as simply as possible. "I dreamt you died the same way."
The swordsman felt himself unable to look at Shiloh. Instead, he turned his attention to his hands that were balled into fists on his knees. A much smaller hand appeared in his line of sight, a thumb gently rubbing his tense knuckles.
"Are you sad?"
Zoro breathed out slowly and gave the question some thought. It wasn't exactly sadness that he was currently feeling, especially not with Shiloh's gentle touch against the skin of his hand, but something in the same family, something that gave him a dull ache in his chest and an anxious jitter in his gut. "No. Not exactly."
He felt Shiloh once again lean her head against his shoulder. "Tell me why."
The words hadn't come out rough or commanding, but rather casual and quiet. That confused him. "Huh?"
Shiloh shifted to look up at him and their eyes met, making Zoro's stomach flip. (He couldn't really tell if the feeling was good or bad.) "Tell me why you're not sad about the dream of me dying."
Zoro merely stared. There was something in the way that Shiloh said things, simply and calmly, that left him the opportunity to either evade or reply without any sort of judgmental repercussion. Her respect for his feelings sometimes overwhelmed him, and it was all he could do but to share them with the redhead when she asked.
"I guess…" he began slowly as he looked away from her, "It's because you're not really dead."
But it could happen… and it could happen because of you.
The sudden thought sickened him, revolted him to the extent of jumping up to his feet, hands clenched so tightly that he could feel his fingernails digging into his palms. Rage was beginning to crawl up his spine, but he had no idea who or what it was directed towards.
"Zoro," came the gentle call. "Zoro." He didn't want to turn around. He didn't want to Shiloh to see this damn weakness of his painted all over his face and shining in his unscarred eye. How could he protect her or the crew or anyone if he had such ludicrous anxieties caused by stupid dreams? He wasn't supposed to have those feelings at all. If he allowed something so trivial to get the better of him, he'd never be able to keep them safe when it mattered the most. He wouldn't be able to catch them if they stumbled and fell.
Like Kuina.
"DAMMIT!"
A storm was raging inside him, building within his body with no way to escape. The tiny bit of logic left in his brain was trying to remind him that Kuina's death hadn't been his fault, that he hadn't pushed her down the stairs or anything of the sort. But his wild emotions drowned out the small voice, replacing it with a piercing shriek that told him that he had made too many promises to too many people and his over eagerness and selfishness would ruin (if not end) their lives. He had to push Shiloh away. She needed to get as far away from him as possible so he wouldn't, couldn't hurt her.
Just when he felt like his chest was about to explode in an impressive burst of hot flame, he felt Shiloh's arms wrap around his middle, her soft cheek against his bare back. "Shh. You'll wake everyone up if you yell like that."
Zoro had no idea how she did it, but her quite words and gentle embrace had stopped the burning sensation that had enveloped him. The pressure that had been building under his skin began to recede, leaving only a mildly uncomfortable throb in his center. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face the redhead whose calm countenance both relived and unnerved him. He didn't want her to be afraid of his ridiculous behavior, but he also didn't want her to accept it. He wasn't acting right and he knew it. "Shy…" he whispered, not really knowing why he had called her name or what he even wanted to say.
Despite the darkness of night, Zoro could clearly see Shiloh's sharp golden eyes staring back at him. They held no disgust or loathing, but he wasn't entirely sure what the light shining behind them meant. She merely watched him silently, until she took his hand and gently placed the back of it against her chest.
Zoro's slight confusion was thrust aside as he felt the young woman's steady heart beating against his hand. He stared at the palm pressed closely to his before bringing his eye up to Shiloh's face. She gave him a gentle smile and pressed his hand a little more firmly against herself. "I'm here." His breath caught in his throat as her heart drummed onward. "You said it yourself. I'm alive and I'm right here. I won't go anywhere."
He pulled free from her grip to place both his hands on either side of her head. Gently but firmly, he tilted her head so that she was looking up at him. A sense of urgency had seeped deep into core to the point where he wasn't sure if he was making sense anymore. "I just want you to be safe."
Shiloh seemed to take it in stride and replied slowly, "I am."
Without even realizing it, Zoro had gotten closer to the redhead's face, his grip still firm. "You're not."
The redhead remained silent for a few seconds before replying, "Trust me, I am." And then her lips were on his, soft and warm, chasing away the cold, dream-induced anxiety that had captured him. The kiss was short but it left him wide-eyed and breathless. Shiloh pulled away from him and offered a playful smile. "Okay?"
Zoro brought a hand to his lips, then his forehead as he allowed himself to fall back onto his bottom. "What the hell is going on?" he groaned. His body was beginning to feel normal again, no intense heat or coldness, the weird fog that clouded his normally practical brain beginning to clear.
Shiloh crouched in front of him and let out a small laugh. "You had a bad dream. It happens."
"Not like this."
Reaching back to grab the formerly abandoned blanket, Shiloh shrugged and once again placed the warm fabric around Zoro before sitting herself in front of him. The swordsman took both ends of the blanket and in turn brought them around Shiloh's shoulders, causing the redhead to burrow further into their makeshift cocoon. He tried really hard not to think about how close she was to his barely clothed form.
"You probably ate too much," Shiloh commented off-handedly.
Zoro blinked and looked down at the woman who was, indeed, staring very intently at his chest. However, what she said had confused him enough to prevent an intense blush from coloring his cheeks. "Huh?"
Thankfully, Shiloh tore her eyes away from his upper body and looked up at his face. "You probably ate too much," she repeated. "And that's why you a bad dream."
He had eaten a little more than usual since Sanji had prepared so much food. But was something that simple really the cause of all his worry or was there more to it than that?
Shiloh seemed to read his mind because she gently poked his shoulder and said, "Don't think too much about it. You just had a food-induced lingering dream. Let it go and don't worry about it anymore."
He wanted to listen, really he did. It wasn't like he enjoyed feeling incapable or guilty. But there was still a small part of him that was sure there was more of a reason for the dream than just too large a dinner. Deep down, he knew he was still blaming himself for things he couldn't control. That wasn't like him and he was starting to hate it more and more with each passing second.
"Zoro," Shiloh called in such a stern voice he was momentarily jarred from his thoughts, "Stop it."
He blinked. It was almost eerie the way she read his mind.
With a sigh, Shiloh added gently, "Sometimes I dream that I'm still a prostitute." His unscarred eye widened at her words. He hadn't expected that: A lecture for being an idiot maybe but not such an intimate admission. Of course, he had known of the redhead's previous profession but it had never even once bothered him. He knew it hadn't been by choice and that a very young and impressionable Shiloh had been manipulated into the job by an incredibly despicable man. "It always starts with a kiss," Shiloh continued, the corners of her mouth pulling downwards in a harsh scowl, "And ends in a dirty unmade bed."
Zoro shook his head. This wasn't something he wanted to hear. Not because he didn't care about the young woman, but because being reminded of all her horrible experiences and the awful way she had been treated flat out enraged him. The intense heat from earlier was rushing back, but this time it wasn't because or anxiety or worry, but of the sheer fury.
"Do you think it's my fault?"
And just like that the fire he had begun to feel went out, leaving him cold as if someone had just thrown him overboard into the dark, inky ocean. "What?"
Shiloh merely looked up at him, expression unreadable, and repeated, "Do you think it's my fault?" When he didn't answer, the redhead's eyes took on a hard edge as she added, "Do you think I asked for it by choosing to become a prostitute? Did I let it happen?"
"You didn't," he hissed through clenched teeth. "You didn't choose to do that. Someone tricked you." She didn't really believe that any of what happened to her was her fault, did she? Overcome with a mixture of anger and protectiveness, he pulled the young woman in as close as he could, no longer feeling embarrassed at feeling her skin against his. In an attempt to simultaneously quell his rage and reassure the young woman, he let out a deep breath and kissed the top of Shiloh's head.
The soft feeling of lips brushing against his collarbone sent a jolt of electricity down his spine but Shiloh's next question was so jarring that he all but forgot about the momentary tingle. "Did you let Kuina die?"
He pulled away wide-eyed and completely shocked, mouth open to respond but Shiloh didn't give him the chance. "Did you actually see her fall?" She continued, voice quiet but steady. "Did you just stand by as she went down the stairs without lifting a finger to help?" His heart was aching in the worst way possible and even though he had a great deal of feelings for the redhead in front of him, at the moment he wanted nothing more than to get away from her and for that he felt like an absolute coward.
"Were you there?"
The words rang in his head like thunder, sending an odd vibration through his being. "No…" He replied slowly.
Shiloh sent him a playful smile that he just didn't understand. Their conversation had been so serious. What could she possibly find amusing about any of it? "Would you happen to be the set of stairs she fell down?"
He would have snorted if he weren't so confused. "No."
"In the dream you had about me, did you just stand there and let it happen?"
"No." He vividly remembered his failed attempt to catch her, exactly as it happened in the Kuina dream.
"Well see? You at least tried. Now stop worrying. It's weird."
It took a moment to get his brain to start working again but when it did, Zoro realized that she was right. He had gotten way too worked up over something he already knew he couldn't control. If he had been at the dojo at the time, he could have saved Kuina.
But he hadn't been.
He could do his best to try and protect Shiloh and his crewmates, but it somehow he wasn't able…
They're capable of protecting themselves.
Somehow in the panic of his dream, he had forgotten that he was part of an incredibly strong crew. Sure they depended on each other, kept each other in check and gave a helping hand whenever it was needed but they weren't dependent on one another. None of them were that weak.
All they ever asked of each other was to always try their best and be loyal crewmates no matter the outcome.
No matter the outcome.
"I'm so stupid."
Shiloh giggled and leaned back a little bit, just enough to look up at the swordsman's irate face. Now that he had sorted out his dumb emotions, he felt rather foolish. All because of a stupid dream. Because the damn cook had made way too much food. (Now he had no problem blaming the blond.) He'd kill Sanji in the morning.
"Nah," Shiloh disagreed. "You've just got a much bigger heart than you'd ever admit. But," she said a little softer, a small blush painting her cheeks that caused Zoro to generate one of his own, "I like that about you, you know? You look so tough and scary sometimes but deep down you're caring and protective, like a teddy bear with teeth."
This time, he was able to let out a chuckle. "You're so weird."
"You pulled me out here at three in the morning. I think I'm entitled to a little weirdness."
Zoro looked away and let out a sigh. Now he felt a little guilty. It was late (or early) and the air was chilly. The blanket was nice but that didn't change the fact that there was really no reason for them to be sitting around on the deck at such a cold, ungodly hour. "Sorry," he grumbled. "I shouldn't have gotten carried away and woken you up."
"Oh stop," Shiloh replied with an eye roll. "I'm glad you did. If you hadn't, you probably would have stayed up all night over-thinking everything and spend the rest of the day in a really bad mood. Best not to subject the rest of the crew to that."
"I'm not that bad."
"You scare Usopp into nearly peeing very time you glare at him."
"Nobody cares about Usopp."
He was rewarded with a laugh and a shove to the shoulder. "That's mean! And I just complimented you on how caring you are towards everyone!"
With a smirk, Zoro intentionally dawned a haughty expression and turned up his nose. He would have crossed his arms if he had space. "Well you were wrong. I actually hate every single one of you."
In one swift move, Shiloh had gotten to her feet, taking the blanket with her and wrapping it around herself. She stuck her tongue out at him. "Sucks for you then. I don't share blankets with people who hate me!"
"I wouldn't want to share a blanket with a shrimp like you anyway."
Letting out a loud gasp and theatrically placing her hand over her heart, Shiloh flopped backward onto the ground, landing on her back. "That was so mean. Look what you did. I've now fallen and can't get up."
With an amused grin on his face, Zoro made his way over to her prone figure. He had done the same in his dream, but in his waking life it was so different. Shiloh was alive and well and his heart felt lighter and lighter with each step he took towards the redhead, knowing that she was just waiting for him to get to her. He knelt down without a single worry, a wave of affection hitting him hard as Shiloh greeted him with a smile. "Are you going to apologize?"
"I'm so very, terribly sorry," he said with just as much sarcasm as she had exhibited earlier as he pulled her to her feet.
"You don't sound sorry."
"Then I'm not sorry."
"Didn't think so."
"Can I get in the blanket anyway?"
Shiloh's eyes seemed to soften at his question. For some reason, he couldn't look straight into those gentle eyes and looked away as a blush rose to his cheeks. "Are you cold?"
"Getting there."
Zoro heard Shiloh let out a soft sigh before feeling the weight of her body pressed against his. Her arms were around his middle as he looked down at her face. "Maybe we should get back to bed," she suggested softly.
The swordsman nodded slowly. He didn't really feel sleepy anymore, but he wasn't bothered either. Falling asleep was easy for him anyway, whether he was tired or not. So with a sigh of his own, he gave Shiloh a soft squeeze and backed away.
But she stopped him before he could move any further. "Before you go," the redhead began, "Tell me. What's the best dream you've ever had?" She had asked it in such a way that he was sure she already knew what his answer would be.
"Becoming the world's greatest swordsman."
Shiloh sent him a smile that made his bones feel like they had melted. "That is the best," she whispered. "See you in the morning." And with that, she began to walk back towards the women's quarters.
Zoro watched her take three steps before curiosity got the better of him. "Shiloh," he called.
Turning back to face him, Shiloh tilted her head to the side slightly and asked, "Yeah?"
"What's the best dream you've ever had?"
The expression that had suddenly filled the redhead's face surprised him. She wore a secretive smile as her eyes glowed, a faint redness blooming on her cheeks. "Ooh, I can't tell you that, Zoro. Not right now, anyway."
Zoro raised a brow. That was different. Rarely had Shiloh ever said there was something she wouldn't or couldn't talk about. Could it be that it had something to do with him? "Why not?" He pressed.
If anything, the woman's look grew sultrier, piquing both his interest and confusion. "Because it starts with a kiss," Zoro felt his heart starting to pound in his chest and had to look away from Shiloh's burning gaze. "With someone very special," His mouth had suddenly gotten incredibly dry.
"And ends in an unmade bed."
It had taken Zoro a long time to fall back asleep after he had gone back to bed. Shiloh had filled his mind with all kinds of things he had never thought of before. He was convinced she had done that on purpose to get under his skin. He was still deciding whether or not he liked it.
He liked her for sure. But did he want what she was offering?
Was she offering?
An entire confusing and slightly awkward hour passed before he finally slipped back into unconsciousness.
When he did, he once again saw before him a set of stairs. At first, he felt nervous and enraged. Why was he seeing this twice in one night? But his feelings immediately changed when he saw Shiloh sitting at the middle of the stairs.
And right beside her was Kuina.
The two seemed to be chatting amiably. He could hear the jovial tone in their voices and see them smiling and gesturing as they spoke.
Taking one step closer to the pair, Zoro was almost afraid that they'd disappear but the warm feeling surrounding him told him otherwise. He made it one more step before the two looked up. Kuina giggled and stuck her tongue out at him while Shiloh smiled sweetly and reached her hand out towards him.
For the briefest moment he hesitated, afraid that touching her would cause her to fall or make the ground disappear beneath them. But Kuina met his eyes, cocky and confident as ever. "Come on, Zoro" she urged. "Don't worry."
He told himself that the sudden stinging in his eyes was due to simply forgetting to blink. He could think of no excuse for his thundering heart. Shiloh's gentle laugh echoed in his ears as he came closer. "Don't worry," she repeated softly.
When he took her warm hand into his, he woke up much too early for the second time that night. But this time the men's quarter was bathed in a warm pink glow, signaling that the sun would be coming up shortly. And this time, his head and heart didn't feel heavy, in fact, he felt warm and comfortable.
Peaceful.
Zoro smiled to himself as he closed his eyes once again. Don't worry, they had told him.
So, he wouldn't.
a/n
Thanks for reading!
If you'd like to know more about Shiloh and how her relationship with Zoro came to be, you can read Straight Forward, located on my again!