Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or anything you recognize. I wish I did, but I don't and I won't ever.
Warning: Sastiel. Mild Language. Minor Violence.
AN: This is apart of What's Worth Sacrificing. I would recommend you read that in order to understand this, but I guess this can be read on it's own. I really tried to have this flow with What's Worth Sacrificing, and I'm sorry if any parts in this contradict the main story.
So, you learned about how strong Sam and Castiel's love is for each other, but it wasn't always like that. If anything it was only one sided. Before they had Deanna, before they met up with Dean, it was just them.
Sam Winchester looked at himself in the mirror in the motel bathroom. He looked himself up and down needing to feel everything. He wanted to make sure that what he was seeing was real. He needed to make sure that what he was feeling was real. Sam needed to make sure he was really out. He needed this.
Looking in the mirror, Sam could see the angel standing near the door like he was watching over him. It was like he was making sure that whatever came through the door to get to Sam would have to go through him first. If he were honest with himself, he didn't know how to feel about that. He washed his face, but couldn't stop thinking about the words the angel said to him when he first came topside.
"I promise you right here and now that I will protect and love you for as long as you will have me."
Why would an angel say that? He was a nobody. He was a monster with demon blood running through his veins. Nobody... not even an angel could love him. He shook his head. Castiel was lying. He just wants something. He may be an angel, but if he says something like that to him, then he obviously wants something from him. The question is what was it?
"You're right." Castiel's voice broke the silence that surrounded them from the moment they walked in.
Sam swallowed. He slowly turned around. "Right about what?"
Castiel looked away from the window, and stared him straight in the eyes. "I do want something from you. And I'll wait for as long as it takes to get it."
Sam felt tears sting his eyes. No one... not even an angel would want to be with him without wanting something from him. He was stupid to think that anyone could.
Castiel looked at him in confusion. "You misunderstand me. What I want from you is your love. I spoke the truth to you." Castiel moved to stand a few feet in front of Sam. "You are mine, and I love you." Castiel backed away from him. "But I understand that most humans need time to fall in love with someone."
Sam didn't know what to say to his words.
"Please," Castiel gestured to the bed, "you need rest. I'll watch over you. You're safe."
Sam didn't know what to do other than follow his order. He moved to the bed and as soon as his head hit the pillow he realized how tired he was. He closed his eyes, but then opened them quickly. He didn't want to sleep no matter how tired he was. He didn't want to remember Hell. Sam turned on his back refusing to go to sleep.
He felt the angel come closer to him. He followed his path until he was sitting right next to him. Sam didn't want to admit it, but he felt incredibly safe with the angel. He believed without a doubt that Castiel would protect him.
Castiel raised his hand slowly to Sam's forehead, but didn't touch him. He looked Sam in the eyes, "If you wish, I could take away your dreams for the night. You won't dream about Hell."
Sam felt a lump in his throat. He couldn't find it in himself to say anything. He could only nod his head. He closed his eyes as he felt Castiel lightly touch him. After that... lights out.
Castiel watched as Sam slept. He felt guilty that he read Sam's mind, but he wouldn't speak to him and Castiel needed to know if Sam was all right. Coming back from Hell would do serious damage to a human, and if he could help it he will.
Castiel wanted him to love him as much as he loved Sam, but he would never force him to do something he didn't want. After watching the humans for as long as he did, he knew there were thousands of people that were homophobic. Not only was he a male angel, he was in a male vessel. He wasn't too sure how Sam would take that. Watching Sam his whole life, he knew that Sam only had intimate relations with women.
During his time watching the humans, he knew how people expressed their love for one another. A kiss. Sexual intercourse. Embraces. He could picture all of that with Sam. He wanted to do all of that with Sam.
Castiel's gaze fell on Sam's lips. Still sitting next to Sam, he leaned down close to his face. He could feel Sam's breath on him. He closed his eyes. He could feel how close Sam's lips were to his. Just a little closer and he'll finally have his first kiss with the man that he's loved since before he was born.
He stopped. Not moving away, he opened his eyes. Sam was still asleep, and wouldn't wake until morning, so he would never know about this. Knowing this, Castiel couldn't do it. He couldn't take something from Sam without his consent. He wanted his first kiss to be with Sam more than anything, but he wanted Sam to want it too. He wanted Sam to want him. He slowly pulled back, rose to his feet and went back to his post near the door.
Sam slowly woke up, but didn't want to move. He could feel someone else in the room, and knew that it was the angel. Castiel's words were still repeating themselves over and over in his head. Even though he's a hunter, he still fell in love. It wasn't the smart choice to make, but even a hunter needs some sort of intimate connection with someone. Whether it's for one night or one lifetime.
"I promise you right here and now that I will protect and love you for as long as you will have me."
Sam smiled. He was never homophobic, and he never will be. He didn't care if he fell in love with a man or woman. Love is love. He never thought he would ever be with a man before, but he's not against the idea. The smile fell from his face. He slowly opened his eyes. He didn't want to love Castiel just because he might be the only one Sam could get. If he fell in love with Castiel, he wanted it to be real.
"I brought you breakfast. Would you like to eat now or after your shower?"
Sam's heart skipped a beat. He may not love or be in love with Castiel, but he sure did love his voice. He agreed to eat after his shower.
Feeling the hot water on his body was an amazing feeling. He never thought about it that much before he went to Hell, but now it was incredible. As he washed his body and hair, he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he might not be alone anymore. He wanted Castiel to stay true to his word. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but he couldn't stop himself from hoping.
Coming out, he saw the angel sitting at the table with his food. There was enough for two, but Castiel didn't eat his at all.
"You didn't have to wait for me," Sam chuckled. He sat down in front of his food.
Castiel shook his head. "I wanted to eat with you."
Sam froze. How could one simple statement have so much emotion behind it? He felt like a girl. Reading too much into an innocent statement.
"How did you get this food? Do you have any money, because I don't?" Sam frowned. He was no saint. Being a hunter didn't bring a check home, so that meant that he had to find other ways. Credit cards, pool and poker were the only ways he knew.
Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled a small stack of money. "You do now."
Sam's jaw dropped. He grabbed it and could see that it was filled with different amounts, but a majority of them were hundred dollar bills. Not one was a single.
"How much is this? Where did you get this?"
Castiel shrugged his shoulders. "Three thousand. A bank two states over. I didn't know how much you would need. Is that not enough? Do you need more?"
"Isn't that against your angel code? You're an angel and you robbed a bank. For me."
"Swearing to protect you and love you also includes taking care of you. Hunters don't make much. You'll never stop hunting and if it means that you eat, have a bed to sleep in, clothes on your back, and weapons to save people then I'll rob every bank, business... every man, woman and child if that's what it takes."
Over time, Castiel and Sam fell into a routine. Castiel became Sam's hunting partner. It wasn't the same as hunting with Dean or his father, but it still felt right. Castiel had continued to show his loyalty and love for Sam. When he was healing him, his touch would always linger just little longer than what was necessary. His gaze wouldn't leave Sam even when he was caught staring. He would always make sure Sam had food. Of course, Sam had to yell at him for treating him like a child.
Sam and Castiel were in a diner eating dinner after hunting a wendigo. Sam had wanted to go to sleep, but Castiel made him eat first. He was getting used to the angel's orders, and he was starting to like it. It wasn't the same when Dean or his father ordered him around, this was more intimate in a way.
"So, why aren't you in Heaven? I understand you... love... me and wanted to save me, but you've never left my side. Don't you have business with Heaven, or other angels?"
Castiel put down his silverware. He watched Sam eat his chicken salad. He did love Sam, and saw a future with him. He trusted Sam with his very life, so it was only normal that he felt no need to keep this from him.
"I betrayed many of my brothers and sisters, who are more powerful than I am, to save you. Because I raised you, you're not Heaven's most liked. Now that you're saved, they're going to be coming after you to get you and Dean to play your parts in upcoming war. I'm not going to leave you defenseless."
Sam put his fork down. Castiel was only with him to keep him safe. He nodded his understanding. "What happens when this is all over? Are you going to leave me?"
Castiel had turned his attention to a passing ambulance. As soon as he heard Sam's question, his attention whipped to him.
"NO!" Castiel raised his voice. He didn't realize that his yelling got the attention of the entire diner. "I'm never leaving you." His anger was melting away when he saw Sam's expression. "Sam, do you want me to leave now or when this is all over?"
When Castiel raised his voice at him, he was actually startled. He hadn't heard the angel yell. He wanted to believe him, he needed too. He heard his last question. Did he? Maybe at the beginning he didn't care either way if he left, but now...
Sam cocked his gun, and looked at Castiel. Even though he was an angel, he wanted to expand his knowledge on firearms. Although he wanted the angel to do what he felt was best, Castiel said that he had to stay with Sam to protect him. Sam never could stop himself from feeling butterflies in his stomach hearing this. His mind told him that it was no different than when he and Dean were together, but his heart accepted it for what it was.
"Are you ready?" Castiel nodded.
They were brought to California a couple of days ago. Everything they had collected from the witnesses and the evidence, they had deduced that it was a witch. A male witch, and he had already killed four people. Ever since he had come across the witch that did whatever it did to Dean, he had hated them no matter what. He always had a dislike for witches, but ever since that case, he loathed them.
Sam and Castiel split up. He felt a loss when Castiel disappeared around the corner. He enjoyed the feeling of someone loving him more than themselves. It made him feel special. He had relationships with a werewolf and a demon before, but what he was starting to feel between himself and the angel was much different... more powerful.
Sam checked every room on the ground floor, while Castiel had gone to check the basement. The angel hadn't come back yet, and Sam didn't want to take the chance that the witch would leave. He pointed his gun as he walked up the stairs. He could smell the foul stench of blood and flesh.
"Come on, Sam. Get off the rack and join us. Rip them apart. You believe that you're a monster? Then prove it!"
Sam backed into the wall holding his head. He looked up and saw meathooks with bits of flesh hanging off it, blood splattered everywhere. He could hear screams all around him. He shut his eyes tight.
Cas! He shook his head, and made his way to the room at the far end. The sights of Hell were beginning to flicker the closer he got to the room. He kicked it open, and as soon as he stepped in he was thrown against the opposite wall... hard.
Castiel had come barging in when he heard Sam scream. He's heard Sam scream before on other hunts, but not like this. Since he's been hunting with Sam, teleporting to the room never once crossed his mind. Being with Sam, he sometimes forgot that being an angel meant he had abilities. He looked to the side Sam was thrown to and he immediately saw red. Just before he lifted up the gun to fire, the witch opened his mouth.
"Are angels as powerful as they're made out to be?" He chuckled, "I don't think so. Want to prove me wrong?" Without waiting for an answer, he moved to the side revealing a sigil.
Castiel's stomach flipped. How the hell does he know about that?
The witch slammed his bloody hand against the sigil, and a bright light appeared, and when it diminished Castiel was gone.
As soon as Sam saw the sigil on the wall, he panicked. Castiel had taught him a few things about angels, and so he recognized it immediately. When the light appeared, Sam's heart began to beat rapidly.
"No, stop!" But Castiel was gone.
The witch began his way toward Sam with a sickening grin. Sam looked around for the gun, and when he spotted it he groaned. It was almost near the opposite corner. He didn't like the way he was being looked at which made him stand up. He must've stood up too quickly, because everything began to spin.
Sam backed away as the witch got closer to him. His visions of Hell were coming back. Not now, please. He knew he wasn't in Hell, but the demon coming at him made him believe otherwise. Its eyes were black, and his face covered in blood.
He was grabbed by the throat and his head was thrown against the wall. He was punched in the face over and over. He tried to dodge the oncoming attacks, but it provided little help. He pushed the witch back as hard as he could, but it practically did nothing. He was shoved to the ground, and he was then kicked in the stomach repeatedly.
He was hurting everywhere. He mustered up all the strength he could and, "CASTIEL!"
But Castiel didn't come. He was told that if he was ever sent away due to the sigil, it would take a few hours for him to be able to come back. If he was on his own, he was going to fight as best as he could. He was a fucking Winchester goddammit!
Sam managed to get to his feet and took his stance. He threw a punch, and shoved the witch back. A flash of Hell hit him, and when he went to throw another punch, the demon grabbed his arm, spun him around and slammed his head on the wall. How he had managed to stay conscious, he had no idea. He was then shoved to the ground with the demon on top of him.
The flashes of the demon went from him to the witch several times before it stayed on the demon. He was grabbed by the throat. He was punching the demon over and over, but for the life of him he couldn't get him off. He was running out of air, and black spots were clouding his vision.
"Cas..."
Sam felt himself slipping away. He didn't want to die like this. Maybe before he went to Hell, he didn't care about his safety all too much, but now that he found a purpose in his life, he didn't want to go out like this... not now.
All of a sudden, he can finally breathe in fresh air. He took in several lungs full. He looked around, and saw that the witch had been thrown off. He turned toward the doorway, and saw the most beautiful sight.
"Castiel."
Castiel lifted his hand which started to glow white. It was getting brighter, and Sam saw that his entire body began to glow, but his eyes turned a very bright blue. Overall, Castiel looked magnificent. He looked like a real angel.
"Shut your eyes, Sam!"
Without hesitation, Sam did.
Sam began to feel his body giving out. He heard a blast, and he flinched at the noise. He tried to stay awake, because he needed to see his angel. He didn't hear anything, so he slowly opened his eyes, and his attention turned to the body against the wall. It was the witch, and his eyes were burned out.
He looked to Castiel who was standing over the witch, and he was back to normal. Sam could swear that Castiel looked down at the witch with pure hatred and disgust. Sam struggled to his feet, and made his way to the angel.
"Cas?"
Castiel turned away from the body at his feet and no longer did Sam see hatred and disgust, but love and regret and guilt.
"Sam..."
Sam saw that Castiel was moving his mouth, but he couldn't hear anything after his name. After his angel coming to rescue him again, he had come to see that he's been avoiding the most obvious truth. A truth that he couldn't come to accept since the angel saved him from the pit. He didn't want to admit it, because he was afraid that he didn't deserve it, but right now he didn't care about anything outside this room. All he cared about was the angel in front of him.
He needed to tell Castiel the truth, and he didn't want to take the risk that he'll never get the chance. The room was spinning, and his vision was going in and out. NO! He needed to tell Castiel now. He opened his mouth. It was like time was going slow. Castiel was speaking to him, but he wasn't registering anything.
He felt his body fall backward, but he never felt himself hitting the floor. The last thing he remembers before succumbing to unconsciousness was the warmth of Castiel's body holding his own.
Sam slowly opened his eyes, and felt something soft beneath him. He moved his hand and recognized that he was laying on a bed. Castiel must've taken him to a motel room. He shot out of bed at the thought of his angel. He looked around, but didn't see him anywhere.
He was panicking. Did something happen? Why wasn't Castiel in the room? Why did he leave him? He opened his mouth to call out for his angel, but all that came out was a whimper. Cas, where are you?
Sam pulled back the covers, and got out of bed. He was looking around and saw that his angel's coat was on the chair, so he was here. Please, God, don't take him from me. He saw his phone, and went down to Castiel's name and just when he was about to call him, he heard something behind him. He turned around, and recognized the sound as the shower. He closed his eyes and sighed in relief.
He slumped in the chair and waited for his angel to come out. Ever since he was saved from the pit, Castiel never tried to hide the fact that he was in love with Sam. In no way, shape or form did Sam ever feel uncomfortable because of this. Sam didn't want to return his feelings, not because of his male vessel, but because he didn't want to taint an angel of the Lord. He was already fucked up with the demon blood running through his veins, no way did he want to ruin an angel.
But now... none of that mattered... at least not right now. Right now, he wanted something good in his life. He needed it. What he needed was someone to love him and someone for him to love. He didn't want that with anyone else. He didn't understand why after this last hunt he accepted his feelings, but he didn't feel like questioning it. He didn't completely understand what he was feeling, but what he did understand was that he was in love with an angel. He was in love with Castiel.
Sam heard the bathroom door open, and saw Castiel walking out in his usual suit. Now that he accepted what he was feeling, he could finally admit to himself that Castiel looked damn good in that suit. But then again, Castiel would look good in anything.
Sam saw that he was caught staring when Castiel looked at him in confusion. He looked away blushing.
"Sam, are you all right? You're face is red, are you sick?"
Sam felt embarrassed that Castiel pointed out his blushing red. He cleared his throat. "No, I'm all right."
Castiel didn't look like he believed him, but he learned that it's not a good idea to force someone to say what they clearly weren't ready or didn't want to say. He remembered Sam's words a few weeks ago.
'Cas, since you're going to be with me for however long, you need to stop reading my mind or telling me what I'm feeling. I know you can't help it, but I need to believe that my thoughts and feelings are my own. Unless it's endangering my life, let me come to you when I'm ready to. Okay?'
"Okay, well, I'm going to go get you something to eat. Would you like anything special, or your usual?"
Sam smiled at the thought that Castiel has only been with him for close to two months, and he already knew his 'usual'. He wasn't paying attention then, but now that he was he felt loved by this. It was crazy. Something so simple as knowing what his usual meal is, he felt loved.
Castiel grabbed his coat, and made his way to the door.
"Wait!"
Castiel turned back to him, not in the least bit annoyed at being called back.
"Do you still love me more than anything?" Sam needed to know if Castiel still felt the same, otherwise this would get very awkward.
Castiel furrowed his brows, and tilt his head. "Of course I do. I'll never stop."
Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "Why? You told you can wait, but what happens if that could never happen? Are you just going to leave?"
Castiel stepped away from the door, and made his way to stand in front of Sam. He promised Sam that he would never read his mind or emotions unless it was endangering his life, but he could still tell that there was something going on behind all of these questions.
Nevertheless, "I'm never leaving you, only if you wanted me to, but even then I won't. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. If you could never return my love for you, that will not stop me from loving you. You are mine, you belong to me in every way, just as I belong to you. I'm yours. I realize that many humans have an issue with homosexuality, but I hope that won't stop you from taking the chance with me. I've waited since before you were born to tell you I love you. If I have to wait a thousand years for you to love me, then that's what I'll do. I'll wait for however long it takes."
Castiel smiled and turned away, but he was stopped by Sam. He looked back at him. "Sam?"
"You won't have to wait a thousand years, because I love you, Cas. I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you when it only took you a few minutes to tell me. I was afraid that I would only condemn you because of what I am if I were to get involved with you."
Castiel has been waiting for what felt like a lifetime to hear those three words come from Sam. He didn't say a word or make a move to interrupt Sam. He needed this.
"I've never had an issue with homosexuality. Love is love. I've got demon blood in me, I've been to Hell, I've tortured thousands of souls. Who am I say who someone can or can't love? I'm no one. I fell in love with you, not what's between your legs. You are the only thing that matters to me."
Castiel loved every word that came out of Sam's mouth. He lifted his hand and lightly touched Sam's cheek, and his heart lifted when Sam moved into his touch. He could feel Sam's heart beating quickly as soon as he touched him. He could feel that Sam's words were true.
"I've never shown any interest in another man, but I am with you." Sam's voice was shaky. Sam was scared of what was going to happen because of his confession, but looking at the love he was seeing in Castiel's eyes and the love he was feeling for him, he couldn't bring himself to care.
"Please, kiss me," Sam didn't realize he was begging until after the words left his mouth.
Castiel wanted to push him to the bed, and express the love he felt, but he didn't. He knew well before Sam said anything, that he's only ever been with women. He was in a male vessel, so he would go as slow or fast as Sam wanted him to.
He leaned up and they both moved closer to each other. They closed their eyes, and let themselves feel each other's lips.
Sam had thought kissing another man would be strange, uncomfortable, or weird but he didn't feel that with Castiel in the slightest. As soon as his lips touched Castiel's, he knew that it didn't matter if his vessel was male, or female. He knew that he didn't want to kiss anyone else's lips, but his angel's.
He's heard of people describing a kiss from their love as fireworks going off, but he never believed them. He figured that it was just an exaggeration, but no. He felt fireworks going off inside him. He felt electricity running through his body passing to Castiel and back again.
Neither wanted this to end, but when it did, they didn't part very far. Sam found himself holding Castiel's face, and his angel's hands on his hips. He didn't care that it was another man holding him like this, all he cared about was that it was Castiel holding him.
"I love you, Cas." The more he kept saying it, the more Sam loved it. He never wanted to stop.
Castiel smiled. "And I'll always love you. I would very much love to kiss you again."
Sam chuckled. He wanted to kiss him too, and they did. They didn't know how long they went on like that, but they found themselves laying with each other on the bed... still fully clothed. Sam wasn't ready for that... at least not right now.
Sam rested his head on Castiel's chest. He closed his eyes and felt that he could fall asleep to the rhythm of his angel's heart. He couldn't get the smile off his face at the thought of finally being with someone who he loves and loves him in return.
"Sam? Does it bother you that I'm in a male vessel? Although I'm a male angel, I could take a female vessel if that would make you more happy."
Sam chuckled. "No. I may not have any experience with being intimate with a man, but with you I'll do it. I'm happy with you just as you are. I don't want you to change."
They were very content with just laying with each other. There was no words shared between them. Sam closed his eyes and smiled to the sound of Castiel's heart. This was the only lullaby he would ever need.
After awhile Sam had to break the silence. "Cas?"
"What?"
"You asked me a long time ago if I wanted you to leave, and I never answered you. I don't want you to leave now or ever. I don't know why I feel so strongly for you so soon, but I know that I want to be with you until my last breath. But if you really want to be my partner in every way, you need to know I can't have you loving me if you're just going to leave in the end."
Castiel sighed. "Sam? I don't know what I would do if you didn't take my hand when you did. I'll always be with you. I love you, Sam Winchester, more than anything both in this world and in Heaven."
Sam felt tears falling from his eyes. "It already broke me when Dean left me. After my dad left me too, I was lonely. When he died... with Dean gone... I was all alone. You say you love me and that you'll never leave me. I believe you, but for how long?"
Castiel held him closer. He brought out his wings, and wrapped them around both of them. He looked down at Sam and closed his eyes. He was finally with the man that he loved. He wasn't lying. He really didn't know what he was going to do if Sam didn't come back with him. What he did know was that he was not going to leave without him. Sam is his everything and Castiel is nothing without him.
Castiel gently kissed Sam's head and whispered, "Until the world stops spinning."
AN: Well? Did you like it? I hope you did. More Sastiel fics coming soon. Until next time. -Kauri510