Authors note, hi its potterhead7 just wanted to say that this story is a parody, I know the characters are OOC and constructive criticism is welcome but please no flames.
Oh and none of the characters belong to me.
Spring had sprung in the dreary town of Forks, so naturally the Cullen's were outside in the sun sparkling like fairies, and Jacobs pack was lounging around. We had all gathered in the Cullen's back yard for a pizzia party. I didn't understand why they would host a pizzia party when they couldnt eat anything, but I'm not one to turn down free pizza.
I am Seth, the little werewolf no one noticed in till the last movie. I was eating some pizza as I sat watching the Cullen`s prance around sparkling and looking constipated, I noticed Jacob hanging out with Renesmee. It was creepy very creepy, to see an almost grown man try to flirt with a girl that looked at most 10 years old.
Everything had gotten boring now that no one wanted to kill each other anymore. I needed something to do, so I stood up and yelled as loud as I could. "Let's play truth or dare." My suggestion was met with blank constipated stares by the Cullen's and Jacob hadn't even noticed he was still trying to flirt with Renesmee.
"I but I don't want to!" Bella wined while biting her lip.
I let out an exasperated sigh. "Ok listen, I don't care what you guys want I`m bored and it's the least you guys can do for ignoring me in the first two movies." Everyone groaned and formed a circle. Carlisle started the game. "Truth or dare?" He asked Alice. Alice being the crazy crack fuelled pixie she was answered dare. "Hmmmm, you have to eat that flower over there." He said pointing to a single flower.
"OK" Alice said, practically oozing energy. She bounced over to the flower, picked it up and shoved is violently down her throat. I will never understand how a vampire could eat; it goes against all the vampire rules. "That was easy!" exclaimed Alice.
"You guy are shitty at this." I stated.
"Oh, those are fighting words you little Chihuahua!" Emmett threatened.
"Bring it on little fairy." I taunted. He just stared at me, a look of disbelief plastered on his dumb face. "Ok, I believe it is your turn Alice." I said looking at her.
"Ok, truth or dare Jacob?" she asked
"Dare, I am not a wimp, unlike some people." He said looking at Jasper.
"I dare you to let Jazz give you a tattoo!" Alice exclaimed with glee. I chuckled, now this was what truth or dare was all about.
"What? You can't do that; he might tattoo a pink flower on my back!" Jacob shouted, and then stood up with his fists balled. He stomped over to Alice and tried to throw a punch at her. She ignored his attempts to hit her, and then got up to whisper something in jazzes ear. He smiled an evil grin. Jazz went inside to get the ink and the needles. "Fine, I'll let you do this if you promise not to use pink at all!" Jacob begged. He even got down on his hands and knees. How was this guy the alpha and not me?
"Never, Bwahahah!" Alice crackled. I guess the crack pixie had a darker side. Jazz walked calmly out of the house holding the granddaddy of all needles, and several pots of vibrantly coloured ink. Jacob shrieked like a little girl and curled up in a little ball once he saw the needle. Emmett got up and pinned Jacob down mumbling something about dogs not having spines.
"NOOOOOOOOOO, NOT MY PERFECT ABS!" Jacob shouted as jasper whipped his abs with antibacterial gel, then carefully stencilled the design in ink, and got out the needle. "WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TRIPS TO THE GYM THESE ABS TOOK TO MAKE? HOW MUCH MY TEEN HEART THROBNESS DEPENDS ON THEM?"
They ignored his screaming and continued to forever mark his abs. I couldn't help but laugh. His abs were his pride and joy. I looked at the reactions on every ones faces, my sister had her customary angry look, and all the Cullen's still looked constipated, and Bella was biting her lip, looking down and running her fingers through her hair in a very unattractive way. How she had two guys fighting over, her I had no idea.
After they had finished tattooing Jacobs chest he stood up and after looking in the mirror jazz handed him he let out a little girl shriek. He turned around showing everyone the massive pink pony they had tattooed on his chest. "Nice tats poodle." Rosalie said sarcastically. He tried to kick her but slipped and ended up on his ass.
I got up from my spot and helped him up and into his seat. "I hate you Alice!" Jacob seethed. Then he looked over at jazz and said. "Time for revenge eh jazz, truth or dare?" he said with a evil wink.
"I am not a fool poodle, I pick truth." Jazz said with a superior look plastered on his face.
"I think you are." Replied Jacob sinisterly. "You must now tell Alice exactly what you honestly think about her obsession with shopping." Even Bella stopped biting her lip long enough to see the look of horror on Jaspers face.
"Very well poodle, at least unlike you I am above begging." Jasper said with a look of disdain on his face. He slowly turned to Alice and said in his strange fairy voice "I think you impulsive need to shop is strange, a waste of time and unhealthy."
Alice looked him, and for about 5 minutes no one said a word. Then so fast no one but the vampires saw it she kicked him in the jaw and pinned him to the ground. She was shouting profanities at him and clawing at his face. Then finally Bella pulled her off of him. She was still shouting profanities at him even after Bella had sat her back down in her seat. Jasper looked very afraid but sat up anyway, and then looked at Edward and said very slowly. "Truth or dare?"