are we bad people
for smoking cigarettes
when we know the consequences
of our actions
will leave us wishing
we had never taken that first
initial drag
am i a bad person
for inhaling you
and disregarding how much
withdrawal i'd face
when you'd no longer be mine
now i'm left
wishing i had never
put my lips on either one
All she wanted to do right now was drive. She didn't have anywhere in particular to go, no certain destination, she just needed to think some things through on the road. Packing her bag quickly with a hoodie and some cash, she left a note on the kitchen table saying she would be back by nighttime and walked out of the apartment.
Beca sat down in the driver's seat of her car and threw her backpack into the seat next to her. Before even putting the keys in the ignition, she ran her fingers through her long, chocolate tresses and took a deep breath. There were a million thoughts running through her head but only one of them stuck out the most to her: Why Him? Beca never asked Chloe how she really felt, but Beca could tell that the feelings they once had for each other had changed when Chicago was brought into the picture.
It's not as if Chloe and her were ever officially dating before Chicago ruined everything; in fact Beca made it clear that they would be doing the complete opposite (even though she wanted Chloe to be hers all along). They agreed when they moved into the apartment with Fat Amy that it would just be something casual, no strings attached. They never told any of the Bellas either; they saw no reason to if they weren't exclusive in the first place. Essentially, all they were for the past six months were best friends who casually fooled around with each other while their roommate was gone. While neither Beca nor Chloe admitted their actual feelings for each other, they kept things the way they were, Both of them too afraid of ruining the deep friendship they had built before they started to fall.
And then the USO tour happened. Beca had thought everything was going alright with Chloe, and that she would soon be able to finally admit her real feelings, until the army man started making eyes at her girl. Chicago involved himself in almost every aspect of the trip just to get closer to Chloe. From escorting them to the hotel rooms when they first got their keys to being one of the first on the scene after they were kidnapped, he was always there weave his way into Chloe's life. And much to Beca's dismay, he was eventually there to stay.
The night of Beca's solo performance, she was convinced that it would be the night where she told her best friend how she really felt. She even dropped hints such as catching Chloe's eye while singing meaningful lines to the song, or immediately running into the redhead's arms when she sang the final lines. But clearly, Chloe must have not picked up on them as easily as Beca had assumed. Once Beca was done dealing with all of the press after her solo (-turned-group) act, she strayed from the large crowd to find Chloe, but someone had already got to her first. The brunette had found Chloe and Chicago locked in a passionate kiss just outside the concert venue.
Not even able to watch it happen, Beca walked away from the scene with Theo as he talked about the plans for Beca and her new record label. But Beca wasn't focusing on his words, she was wondering if she would've been the one sweeping Chloe off her feet if she was able to get to Chloe before him. And now that brings her back to the present; where she hasn't been able to kiss or touch Chloe like she want to, and Beca still hasn't mustered up the courage to tell her best friend how she feels. Instead of facing her problems head on, she resorts to being stressed and always blaming it on her new job.
Beca sighed after reliving those painful memories and finally put the keys in the ignition, then moved the gear shift so the car was in drive. As she drove out of the parking lot of the apartment building, she had finally decided on a place to drive to, knowing that the odds of someone finding her there was very slim. Beca drove in silence, continuing to think of the redhead until she had reached her destination about ten minutes away from their apartment. She parked her car at the end of the dirt path and shut off the engine. The brunette sighed deeply again and debated whether or not to do what had been on her mind all day.
"Fuck it." Beca said to herself, reaching into the glove compartment and taking out a box of cigarettes and her old lighter. She also grabbed the hoodie from her backpack and got out of the car. Closing the door behind her, Beca pulled the hoodie over her head and put the box and lighter in the front pocket. She walked to the front of the car and leant against the hood, taking out the box of Marlboro cigarettes and picking one to light. After counting that she only had three more left, she closed the box and shoved it back into her pocket, reaching for the lighter next. Beca had been using the lighter since her junior year in high school, and somehow it still managed to create a flame. "Chloe's gonna kill me when she finds out." Beca sighed as she sparked the lighter and lit the end of her cigarette, immediately taking a drag and exhaling slowly.
The stick was held loosely between her index and middle finger as she hopped onto the hood of the car and sat there, leaning against the windshield to gaze at the view in front of her. Beca had first found this spot when she had randomly started driving after being pissed with her boss at the old record label. This dirt road led to a scenic overlook of the entire city. The only things you could hear was the ocasional honk of a horn from the Brooklyn Bridge and the quiet crashing of the waves against the land. After finding this place, she had visited the overlook whenever she was feeling overwhelmed or stressed (which seemed to become more and more often lately).
The sun was starting to set, so Beca checked her phone for the time. The screen read 6:47, which meant she would have to leave in the next 15 minutes so she got back home before the sun set completely. That also meant that Chloe had finished her classes for the day and was already back at the apartment. Beca looked at her lockscreen, a candid of her and Chloe looking at each other at a karaoke bar, before locking her phone again and taking another breath from her cigarette.
After finished her first one, she grabbed the box and lighter from her pocket and was about to light another cigarette before a car turned onto the abandoned road. Upon closer inspection, she realized that the car that had disturbed her belonged to none other than Chloe Beale herself. "Of course she would come looking for me." Beca muttered, taking another stick out of the box and lighting it quickly before her best friend came over.
"Beca? Are you smoking again?" She heard Chloe say from behind her. Beca knew she would be mad about that.
"Maybe."
"We've talked about this, Becs, you know how bad that is for your health." Chloe's voice was stern as she finally made it to the front of the car with her hands on her hips.
"And I've told you, I only resort to it when I'm stressed out." Beca explained, taking a drag from her newly lid cigarette and purposefully blowing it in Chloe's direction.
Chloe waved her hand in front of her face to get rid of the smoke and sat on the car hood next to Beca, "Then put that out and talk to me about why you're stressed instead of continuing to suffocate your lungs with that death-stick."
"How did you even find me here?" Beca steered the conversation so she wouldn't have to hear Chloe nag about her smoking for the thousandth time. "Better yet, why did you come looking for me even though I left a note on the kitchen table? I actually followed your rules this time"
"First off, your note was pretty minimalistic, all it said was that you were out for a drive and would be back before nightfall, so you really didn't give enough detail for it to even be considered a proper note. Second of all, you've brought me up here before and I figured this place would be your first choice to drive to." Chloe said, crossing her arms to get her point across.
"When did I bring you here?"
"When you woke me up at two in the morning one night to get food and 'take me somewhere special.'" Chloe replied, putting up air quotes and imitating Beca's voice during the last words.
"Oh, I may recall that." Beca said, pretending to think by putting her hand that wasn't holding the cigarette under her chin.
"Exactly," Chloe smiled and gently dug her elbow into Beca's ribcage to lighten the mood. "Now tell me why you're stressed and decided to leave the apartment to come smoke on the top of this hill instead of just waiting to talk to me."
"Fine, I guess you've left me no choice now that you're here and aren't showing any signs of leaving, so where do you want me to start?"
"Maybe start with what's stressing you out."
"That's gonna involve a long explanation." Beca smirked and turned to her best friend.
"Well, I've clearly got the time." Chloe knew ever since college that Beca used sarcasm as a defense mechanism. The only way to get her to be serious was to use her method against her sometimes.
"You don't quit, do you, Beale?"
"Nope, now start." Chloe settled into a comfortable position on the car facing Beca. She could already tell that they would be there for a while.
Beca took another long drag and exhaled, "Well, it's technically you that's been stressing me out lately, Chlo." She figured that there was no way around the conversation, and this was a good time as ever to shed light on the topic.
"And why is it me that's causing all of this stress?" Chloe raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"You've just been filling my thoughts," Beca started. "You have been ever since I met you, really."
"Why me?" Chloe asked.
"Do you remember when we promised that we weren't going to catch feelings for each other when we started fooling around?" Beca blew out more smoke and inspected her cigarette for a moment before turning her head to meet Chloe's eyes.
"Yeah, of course I do."
Beca chuckled for a moment at the redhead's response, knowing that night was also the last night they both talked about how they really felt; until now that is. "Well then, it looks like I broke my promise." She confessed with a laugh. The brunette took a drag and began to blow smoke rings, amusing herself before the serious conversation they were about to have.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Chloe sat up, now cross-legged on the car hood and fully facing her best friend.
"I developed feelings for you even though I promised not to." Beca explained. "Actually, I always had feelings for you but I never admitted them until tonight."
"And you've chosen just now to tell me?"
"Pretty much," Beca stated. "And obviously you aren't going to reciprocate those feelings because you kept your end of the deal. You had fun with me while we fooled around, but I know I'll never be more than a best friend to you. Once you met Chicago, I knew I had no chance. I watched you run into his arms after my solo performance and I knew I would have to let you go."
Chloe looked awestruck, her eyes had glazed over at the other girl's words and her mouth was wide open. Beca stopped her speech for a second to take another drag and look over at the redhead. She smiled and put her index finger under Chloe's chin to put her jaw back in place. "You're going to catch flies, Beale." She smirked. Chloe remained silent but caught Beca's eyes for a moment before she continued to look back down at the stick in her hand.
"I never realized how impossible it would be to let you go, Chlo. And to be honest, I still haven't been able to no matter how hard I've tried for the past few years." Beca paused again to tap what was left of her cigarette on the edge of the car hood to rid it of ashes. "I should have never fallen for you, I was setting myself up for failure."
AN: This is a little different than the stuff I normally write, but I loved this poem and had thought it this story while reading it. I hoped you liked it and if you did please favorite and review this story!
Thank you so much guys!