Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The situation is mine, the characters are not.
Warning: This story contains an implication of homosexuality. If you don't like it, don't read it. Flames are not appreciated.
They were leaving. Finally. Now that I was alone, I could cry. I could let go; I could let the dam break and have all the pain come pouring back. I couldn't do that in front of them. I could never—would never—let them see how much this was ripping me apart. Once again, I lay back on the crisp white sheets of my bed in the hospital wing, and as the tears flowed down my cheeks, I let myself remember.
It had been almost a week now, and I still hadn't come to terms with it. I lay in this bed, not because of injuries, but because I was depressed to the point that I didn't want to live anymore. On the night of the full moon, my friends and I had been cavorting around—as usual—when something went terribly wrong. Sirius, Merlin knows how, lost his animagus form and became human again.
And I attacked him.
I didn't bite him, thank Merlin, but I broke his arm, three ribs, dislocated his shoulder and fractured his leg. He was let out of the Hospital Wing 2 days ago, but for the 3 days that he was lying in the bed next to mine, all I could think was that it was that it was my fault. My best friend, my love (although he didn't know it—and wouldn't know it if I could help it), was lying bandaged in a hospital bed, and I had put him there.
I really am a monster.
"You're not a monster." The voice was barely above a whisper, but I heard it. My eyes flew open. Sirius was sitting next to my bed on the tiny wooden chair that was so uncomfortable that I suspected Madame Pomfrey chose it on purpose to keep visits short.
"Sirius, how...?" My confusion must have shown, because he flashed me a watery smile and said, "You have your 'I'm a monster' face on again."
"It's all my fault." I reached out and traced the faint scar that ran along his jawbone from behind his ear. He caught my hand and said forcefully, "It was NOT your fault. I'm the idiot who lost his concentration."
"How did it happen?" I wondered aloud.
Sirius closed his eyes and turned his face away from me, his jaw clenched. When he looked back at me, there were tear tracks on his cheeks. " I can't tell you," he said.
"Why not?" I asked, bewildered.
Sirius' voice dropped below a whisper. "Because you won't believe that it wasn't your fault."
I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow. "You're right," I choked out, my voice catching in my throat.
"Oh, Remus," he murmured. He placed a hand comfortingly on my shoulder.
"I can't do this anymore, Sirius!" I wished he would leave. I didn't want him to hear how depressed I'd become. "I'm playing with your lives! I could have killed you! I could have bitten you! How could I live with myself if I did that to you?" That wasn't how it was supposed to come out. He'd hear it, I was sure. That slight difference that could give away what I'd tried so hard to hide.
"You'd...wait a minute...why me in particular?" Confusion showed on his face, a small depression appearing between his eyebrows.
"Because..." My voice caught in my throat. I tried again. "Because I'm in love with you. I have been since we were 15. I never told you because there was no way that you'd ever...never mind. The point is, I could never live with myself if I did that to you. I can barely live with myself knowing that I've hurt you."
In the silence that followed my sudden confession, Sirius only stared at me.
"You can think whatever you want about me," I said. "It doesn't matter now anyway." I grabbed my wand from my night table and pointed it at my throat.
This seemed to pull Sirius from his frozen state, because as I started my spell, I noticed his eyes widen.
"Remus, No!" he exclaimed, pushing my wand to the side.
A tear opened in the curtains surrounding my bed.
Sirius stared at the tear in the curtain, then looked at me. "You tried to..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "Did you stop and think about how I—how we" he corrected himself, "how we would feel if you went and did yourself in?"
I stared at him, then shook my head.
He leaned forward. "You idiot werewolf," he whispered in my ear before pulling me into a bone crushing hug, "how could I not love you?" He pulled away slightly and locked eyes with me. I couldn't have looked away if I wanted to, which I didn't. His eyes—the cloudy grey of a stormy sea—entranced me.
He smiled and shook his head, then said, "You're beautiful." His fingertips trailed across my cheekbone.
"You're brilliant." He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.
"You're strong." Those fingertips trailed over my bicep, leaving a tingling fire in their wake.
"You're talented." He grabbed my hand.
"You don't understand," I protested weakly, "I'm dangerous."
He nodded in agreement. I was shocked.
"There's danger everywhere," he said.
"But..." Sirius laid a finger over my lips.
"Shhh," he said. "We knew the risks when we became animagi. There is no reason on earth that I would give up being with you, werewolf or not. You look so free when you're running as a wolf, and I will NOT leave you shut up in that dirty old shack anymore just because I got a little banged up."
"What can I do?" I asked plaintively. "I couldn't stand it if I hurt you again."
"Nothing. I told you, it wasn't your fault." He put a finger to my lips again to forestall my protest. "I found a spell that will help."
"Okay," I whispered, nodding. I knew it was useless to protest, and selfish as it was, I didn't want him to leave me.
We sat together for a time, enjoying each others company. After a while, Sirius got up to leave. Watching him walk towards the doors, I felt an emptiness crawl up inside me and curl into a cold lump in my gut.
"Sirius," I called. My voice cracked. He turned around, a question in his beautiful eyes. "Stay with me?" I asked. I felt my cheeks burn, embarrassed that I didn't want him to leave.
He smiled at me and nodded. I slid over on the narrow bed as he walked back to me. Wrapped in his embrace, I fell into the most restful sleep I'd had in a long time.