Disclaimer: I don't own Psych.
Summary: At first, when Shawn had gotten to know Juliet, it felt like falling. As they became more than friends, he still felt like he was falling, but in a much different way.
A/N: So, how does one get over writer's block? According to Jenn, "angst." So, angst it is. Thanks to Jenn for the beta too. And thank you all for your wonderful responses to my fics! It makes me really happy. : )
He didn't know Juliet O'Hara, but he wanted to.
When they first met at the diner, it was only flirting, he could admit that. He didn't know the girl sitting on the stool at the counter, but all it took was a look at her purse to know that she could be someone worth getting to know, maybe someone to have a bit of fun with. So he flirted. And hey, he flirted with everyone, especially cute blondes who just so happened to be sitting in his seat, so that wasn't anything huge.
To be honest, it was only flirting for a long time after that too. He knew Juliet O'Hara a little more by then; she was more to him than just the details he could glean from her purse. He settled into an easy friendship with her, teasingly asking for dates and charming her. She was fun, and a bit of an enigma, which Shawn quite liked. And he would be lying if he said that her resistance to his advances didn't make him want to try harder, if only to see if Juliet O'Hara could be charmed by a one Shawn Spencer. But in the grand scheme of things, it was never anything that...serious. Shawn didn't do serious, hadn't for a long time.
And then...sometime in between crashing spelling bees and chasing a notorious serial killer, it became more than just flirting. It wasn't just a game, to see if he could win Miss Juliet O'Hara's affections. It was something someone else might have called love, but that Shawn himself couldn't describe.
But along that road, between spelling bees and serial killers, something had changed. In a blink of an eye, Shawn found himself grounded, stuck in Santa Barbara, and that freaked him out a little bit...but what freaked him out more than that was the fact that he didn't really mind making roots for himself here. He suspected that was partly because of Juliet.
Juliet. She had changed too; there wasn't a doubt in Shawn's mind. She wasn't the same detective who'd been afraid to pull her gun in the diner that day. She had a lot more experience, and a lot more hardship, as they both knew well.
So...where did that leave them? If Shawn really thought about it, if he really did, there was nothing stopping them from dating now. No more other boyfriends or girlfriends for either of them. They both knew how each other felt (or at least...he thought Juliet knew). So why had nothing happened?
He knew Juliet O'Hara now, but he wanted more than that.
That's what went through his mind, when he told Juliet how he felt, and when he kissed her. And then she kissed him back, and he grinned, and he thought, finally. He kissed her, and it felt like he was falling, but there was nothing frightening about it, because Juliet was falling with him. It was exhilarating, and new, and Shawn loved it. From his perspective, it looked like a happy ending from that kiss forward.
And it was. For awhile. Beginnings are always happy.
During the course of the seven years they had known each other, they moved from point a) flirting, to point b) dating, and then finally came the final point, marriage.
In all the cheesy eighties movies Shawn had seen in his time, that's all there was to it. The real struggle, as it'd been with Shawn and Juliet for five years, was winning the girl, but once you did, it was all smooth sailing and blue skies and puppies and friggin' rainbows.
And then...it wasn't flirting anymore. It was a real relationship. It was something serious.
Shawn wasn't good at serious. He never had been. So he supposed it should have been less of a surprise when what happened did.
Shawn and Juliet began arguing, about little things at first: socks on the floor, working too much, impatience at their inherent differences. And it was frustrating. And not what marriage was supposed to be, not really. It was supposed to be happy.
And after a few years, he found himself wondering how he couldn't have foreseen this, with his powers of observation, and everything that happened with his parents. He hadn't seen that the idea of love was sometimes better than actually loving someone. Because with the idea of love, you can abandon it as you please; it can be called a crush, and you can move on. But when you actually love someone, you can never let go, even when it's clear that things just aren't working.
Shawn sincerely loved Juliet, so they tried couples counseling, and talking it out, and trying to duplicate things as they had been at the start of their relationship.
He knew Juliet O'Hara, but the problem was, now he loved her too.
Love was patient, love was kind...love was messy. It was worrying incessantly whenever the other got caught up in a firefight, and trying to be understanding when they really just wanted to rip their hair out.
They were just...different people. For some reason Shawn couldn't figure out, it was hard to make it work. Maybe too hard.
And that's when Juliet came to him, after a long day, after a bickering fest about laundry had turned into an argument about responsibility. It bared a lot of similarities to the day Shawn had first kissed Juliet, but that only gave him a sense of sickening irony. She sat him down and told him how she felt, just as Shawn had once.
Except this time, the words that were said were ones Shawn dreaded to hear.
He had heard the word separation before, but never in relation to himself. Always with his parents, or Lassie, or a case that involved a lover's quarrel. It was a serious word, and Shawn hated it, and he hated that he even had to talk about it with Juliet.
Shawn felt like he was falling again, except there was nothing exhilarating or wonderful about this. This was the kind of falling you felt on a roller coaster, where it was as if you left your stomach back at the top of the ride while you were still hurtling towards the bottom.
He tried to protest. He told her that they didn't need this, that they were fine. He soothed her, as he had always done, and told her everything was going to be okay.
But as much as Shawn knew Juliet, she knew him too.
She knew neither of them would ever change. She also knew that Shawn loved her, and she knew that she loved Shawn. But that only made things harder. So she pressed on. It was only temporary. They could still make it work. They would.
These were words Shawn had heard many times before, but in this context they made him feel sick. He felt sick, but even worse, he felt understanding towards Juliet.
The fact was this relationship hadn't been like they thought it would. It's not that they expected it to be easy or fun all the time, or even to not argue. But they hadn't imagined this. They hadn't foreseen both of their lives being at a standstill as they waited for the other to do something, or nights of loving each other but not being able to make each other happy, or that their easy going friendship from so long ago was what they pined for now. At least then Juliet was happier. He just wanted her to be happy, and he wanted himself to be happy.
So, he nodded. He went along with Juliet, because he knew that in the end, maybe she was right. Besides, it was only a temporary separation. They had both agreed to that.
And yet, when Juliet left the room, after their relationship had reached a tipping point from which it was hard to come back, Shawn had only a selfish feeling that Juliet had somehow won their argument, when instead it was clear to see that no one had won this.
So, there they were, on the front lawn, Shawn's things in bags. He had agreed to be the one who found a new place. The house had never really felt like his home anyway.
They wanted to say something to each other, some sort of parting remark that would make it okay. Shawn thought about going with his standard snark, but that would have felt insulting to them both somehow, to try and pretend this was something other than a goodbye.
But it wasn't. Not really. It was only temporary. That's what they had said, that night in the bedroom that felt like weeks ago, but was really only a few days.
In the end, they didn't say anything. Shawn pulled Juliet into a hug before he left, feeling Juliet suppress a sniffle behind his back, and he did the same behind hers. When they faced each other again, both of their faces were dry.
And Shawn wished that he could know Juliet again, as he once had, wished that he could say something that hadn't already been said between them, but their course had been set. Instead he nodded politely at Juliet. Juliet nodded back. Even though neither of them was moving, it still felt like they were falling, just like during the first kiss, and just like during their last argument.
Without a word between them, Shawn walked away, feeling that they had finally reached the bottom of their fall.