Okay, I definitely need to see a psychiatrist. All the parentheses were supposed to be asterisks, but I'm new to this and I couldn't get them to load right online:)
(We begin in the teachers' lounge at Hogwarts, where Snape, Aragorn, Batman, and Darth Vader are playing Euchre. A. & B. are in the lead, 5-2, and S. is mad because V. just trumped his ace.)
S.-- Are you not paying attention, or what? That's the third time this game!
V.--Sorry. I keep sensing that Luke is near and plotting to kill me.
A.--Have you tried taking him on a father-son outing? Golfing, scuba diving, maybe paintball? Paintball's fun. Or perhaps you could go camping and leave him in the woods...
S.--Not helping. Pass.
A.--What? I love to be left alone in the middle of nowhere!
B.--(muttering)And just look how you turned out. Pass.
A.--(glaring) Exactly. Anyway, though, Vad, you need to spend some time with him. Bruce here is living proof of what comes of a neglective parent.
V.--Don't call me Vad; I have more power than you could even imagine. Besides, I thought his parents were dead. Pass.
B.--They are! Pick it up.
A.--Hmm, extra neglective. (Batman glares at him) Oh, ah, mine are, too. Well, damn; that didn't really work out. Sorry. What about your parents Severus? Got any good neglectful tales to encourage our child-challenged friend here?
S.--Regretfully, my parents are also dead. However they were rather abusive. (he smiles brightly as though pleased to be able to contribute.)
(in unison)B.--Oh boy.A.--Uhh-huhh.
A.--Well. All right then. Mine, our point.
V.--I just don't think I'm very good at this 'father' thing. Maybe I should put him up for adoption. I hear the wookies make very good foster parents.
S.--Bad idea. If you want to get rid of a kid, you have to do it before they know who you are and where to find you and how to exact revenge. Hearts.
A.--Mmm-hmmm. (hastily) Not that I've ever tried to get rid of my kids!
B.--Of course not. I would never suspect you of trying anything like that. And of course, in a case like yours, you would also have to get rid of them before instructing them on the surest ways to kill someone with very minimal effort.
A.--Oh... Didn't think of that. Yo, Vad, you gonna lay something sometime today?
V.--Sorry. Don't call me Vad!
A.--(mocking) Sorry, Vad.
(Queen Arwen enters)
QA.--Boys! Be nice! Honey, you have a council session in an hour, and you need to do something with your hair. Oh, and stop plotting ways to get rid of the kids.
A.--(innocently surprised) What?! I don't know what you're talking about!
B.--He never knows what I'm talking about, either. Try using smaller words. It's your turn, Your Highness.
A.--(shudders) What do you think the populace would say if I took you all home with me and announced that you were my new advising council?
(the other three look at him, snort, and look back at their cards, Arwen rolls her eyes and leaves)
A.--Just a thought.
V.--Join my master, life is so much easier when people tell you what to do instead of the other way around.
A.--Tell me about it. Or when you can do whatever you want because nobody cares. Pass.
S.--Okay, so have we surmised that the solution to Lord Vader's problem is to just kill Luke and be done with it?
(Batman and Aragorn look at each other questioningly, and then shrug and nod)
B.--That sounds about right. Although tasers are fun...
(The others glare at him)
S.--Don't start that again! Pass.
A.--Clubs. I'm going alone.
B.--Why do you get all the good cards? Do you know what I've gotten in the past hour? NOTHING!
A.--Calm down, there's five cards right there in your hand; you just don't get to do anything with them this round.
V.--That is the third loner you've had. Have you been using the power of the Dark Side? If you have, I'm curious to know how you did it.
A.--I haven't. And this is our seventh game. Three hands out of what? A hundred and something? Big deal.
B.--142. Pay attention you idiot!
A.--What? (as he lays down his whole hand, to reveal the ace, king, queen, and both jacks) Why on Earth would you keep track of that?
B.--Never mind. Four points, our game.
S.--AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely can not take anymore of this! Partner swap!
V.--We can't switch now, we're playing best of ten!
B.--Best of nine. You can't play best of an even number, there could be a tie. It's only four games to three. Win the next two and you'll be good.
(Snape is banging his head on the table, Aragorn pats his arm comfortingly while Batman focuses on dealing so that the cards all bounce off of him in some way or another)
S.--(sitting up with a long-suffering sigh) All right, whose deal?
(the others roll their eyes and pick up their cards)
B.--So, I want to ask Diana out, but I just can't do it.
(DianaWonder Woman)
A.--You've developed a playboy persona and you can't ask a girl to the movies? Pathetic. Pick it up.
B.--This coming from the man who was dating for 29 years and engaged for 39. Wow. I cannot believe you ordered that up!
A.--And happily married for 122, thank you very much! Why not, don't you have any?
B.--No. My hand's all red; and you never order up a bower, stupid. Anyway, married for 122; nobody said anything about happily.
A.--I did! And being half of the couple, I should think I would know.
B.--If you say so.
A.--I do say so, and you are trying to change the subject. Listen, you just walk up, say, "Diana, would you like to go...", and then go. Not hard. Just don't suggest something dumb, like a fashion show or a Disney movie. You have to ask women on dates to places you actually want to go to so that you can have fun. (thoughtful) You know, she might actually enjoy something like paintball or rock climbing...
B.--(sarcastic) Thanks, I'll remember that.
V.--I took Padme on a lot of picnics. Ha! Set! Two points!
(Batman is making gestures at Aragorn like he wants to say "See?! I told you never to order up a bower! Now look what you've done!")
S.--And now you have a son who's constantly trying to kill you...
V.--What does that have to do with picnics?
S.--...and a daughter who's dating a wookie. Pass.
B.--What?! Pass.
V.--No! She's dating a human who is friends with a wookie. Pass.
S.--Dating a wookie. That's what I said.
A.--Diamonds. I'm going alone.
(Arwen pokes her head back in)
QA.--Hon! Council! Now! Comb your hair!
A.--I'm goin', I'm goin'! See you guys later.
B.--Does this mean we win by default?
A.--We were gonna win anyway.
S.--What! Not fair! No way!
V.--We lost? Yay! We lost! We lost! Wait a minute! We can't lose! That's bad, and the game isn't even over!
(Snape is back to banging his head on the table; Vader has started stomping his feet yelling, "Not fair!!"; Batman is rubbing his temples and gathering the cards; Aragorn looks around at them, sighs, and fishes a comb out of his pocket as he walks out the door.)
And that is where we leave them until the next gathering of the League of Sinister Gentlemen.
I definitely need therapy