This must be some cruel joke. Surely she wouldn't make me her next of kin and yet, Henrik has clearly stated this to be true.
I cannot see her again, I struggle at the thought of her lying there in a coffin, no longer her exuberant, happy self. I feel my chest tighten, I am getting used to this sensation, every time I think about Jasmine, my little sister. I couldn't save her, protect her. How can I possibly be the person she trusts with this, her life when I've already let her down?
I cannot just leave her there, I am obliged to start the process, have her… her body released to me. I cannot see her. I just can't. I don't think I will be able to stay composed. I am barely managing as it is. This could ruin me. I pick up my phone. We've missed out on so much and it is my fault. She tried. Jasmine tried so many times and I just kept pushing her away. Why couldn't I have just tried a little harder too? She isn't… wasn't Paula, the pain and hurt I have suffered at our mother's hands wasn't Jasmine's fault and yet I kept her at arms lengths mainly because of this.
I kept having this need to protect her. I never wanted to see her fail as a doctor and surgeon. The last thing I said to her… she was trying to help. I knew she was but my past is just that. I am only willing to move forward. Only willing to let her in so far and now the opportunity has been stripped from us. I wish… I wish I could have told her that I love her. I wish so many things that are now impossible. I cannot fix this. I promised I would save her and I have let her down. I cannot and did not protect her when it mattered.
Somehow, I have to go back out onto the ward and do my job. I cannot let anyone see me like this. I've kept it together all day. 3 hours more I can manage. I want to go home and hug my daughter. I know however that I am going back to an empty house. Jonny has Emma for the next two days and I have work, an empty house and an empty heart. I brush my fingers under my eyes and blink. I check that my make-up is still intact and by default my mask. No one will see my pain. I need some fresh air.
I speak to HR to see if there is someone else, if they had made a mistake and she trusted someone else. No mistake. She was just as alone as me. All she had was me. I am her sister. Her only relative. I am her family. But really… really I am nothing.
…...
What am I supposed to do? The bile is rising. I don't know anything about this girl and I have no one and no guidance in preparing a funeral. A funeral? I have attended a few but never arranged one. Why has she put me in this position? I am useless. I am nothing!
Morven!
She accosts me. She knows Jasmine but what is she saying? Can't she see there was a mix up. She should be the one dealing with this. She was her roommate, her best friend. She knew her best. Maybe she will organise it if I cover the costs?
Laugh at her? Reject her again? Reminders at every turn of how cold and closed off I have been. It wasn't about Jasmine. It was about protecting myself. I was alone my whole life before Emma. I didn't need anyone else. Do not need anyone else. The silly girl. Why would she idealise me? Why… how could she love me? We didn't know each other. Not really. Alone. She was just as alone as me. She did nothing wrong. Did she become a doctor to be like me? She came here to find me, I know this and I know she would have been brilliant. I let her be alone. We had had our moments this last year. Moments of shared feelings. Moments of knowing. Were we moving in the right direction? Would I have let her in at some point? I just don't know and now I never will. I like to think I would have, that that was where we were heading. We will never get that chance. It's too late.
I walk away from Morven, I slip the necklace into my pocket but don't let go. I can feel it starting to imprint on my hand. I squeeze harder. I find a quiet place to cry. I wish I could stop crying. Come on, you are Jac Naylor! Pull yourself together is my current mantra these last few days.
...
Why is time passing so slowly. I still have 20 minutes until the end of my shift. I make the call to have Jasmine's body released to me. I've flicked through the funeral homes Henrik had already vetted for me. I chose the first. How careless and selfish. I cannot find it in myself to sit and read through the different offerings, money doesn't matter. Henrik wouldn't have been sloppy in his choices and I trust his judgement.
I hope no one comes by in the next 15 minutes. I open up some patient files and an article I know I am not going to complete or read, but they are there in case someone does knock on my door. Or if Mateo walks in. I close my eyes for another wish… please leave me alone.
...
Morven is the junior I request for today. I know this isn't her ward and I know she has much to be doing but I need a junior and I need this particular one. She appears at my door promptly but looks how I feel and know I must look too.
'You requested me Ms Naylor?' I nod and motion her to sit.
'I have a request, I do actually need a junior today but this is more… personal. You knew Jasmine better than me. You knew what she ate, did for fun… you probably even know her favourite colour' I try to remain as composed as possible, try to show the same indifference as yesterday. I really don't think I am succeeding. 'I don't know anything'
'and whose fault is that Jac?' I cannot really blame her, it stings, but it is the truth. I cannot deny it and I cannot look at her. It is all I have thought since it happened.
'I know it's my fault. She made me her next of kin and maybe she thought that by the time I would be called upon, if I was called upon, we would have formed some kind of relationship but we hadn't and I am her next of kin and I really don't know what to do ok?' I have no clue how to prepare for her funeral but I want to do my best by her and I think that's you.' She is looking at me like I am crazy, or maybe she's crazy and imagining this whole conversation.
'Morven' I snap her from the look she is giving me. She blinks and gives me another disbelieving look 'I am asking for your help, for Jasmine' I emphasise.
'Yeah I got that bit, what I don't get is why. Because I must know what I am doing? Because I have experience with my dad and Arthur's funerals last year? Because I knew her better!? That's your reason? Seriously? She put your name on that form Jac, this is all on you.' She stands and walks to the door. She's emotional I get that. I just thought she would want to help. That she would be willing…
'Look Jac, I'm sorry! My emotions are all over. While what I am saying is true. This is your responsibility and your fault you don't know anything about her I cannot… I want the best for her too. She deserves that Jac. I get that this is you trying, but all I can think is that this is a side of you she wanted to know. Be at Albie's at the end of the shift.'
...
I believe she made a point of avoiding me this entire shift. She did as I asked. Assisted me in theatre. But never hung around. Now I am walking into Albie's with Emma on my hip and I really don't want to mess this up but what I have to say will be a disappointment and I really cannot afford for Morven to not at least give a little input.
I find her quickly. 'You didn't let me tell you that I had Emma tonight. Jonny always drops her off at the end of my shift on Thursday's. I cannot stay, she needs fed and put to bed. Will… would you…' I close my eyes to prevent the impending tears, I exhale a breath because I know what she is going to be thinking… It should be Jasmine… 'Would you like to come home with us for dinner and we can discuss everything when Emma is in bed?' She looks at her glass of wine and then to Emma. 'I have wine' I offer with a small smile and I feel myself start to crumble at the unfairness. As Morven turns to collect her jacket. It should have been Jasmine. Emma is looking at Morven curiously. She whispers in my ear. 'Yeah this is Aunty Jasmine's friend.' I tell her quietly. I do miss her when she isn't with me, my daughter is sweet and funny and not unlike Jasmine in her carefree innocence.
Morven's head turns to us sharply. She's just looking at me and all I feel is more disappointment. I had told Emma about Jasmine but had withheld a relationship. 'I thought we had time… I thought we had the rest of our lives.' I feel that one, solitary, sad tear leave my eye. What a fucking cliché Naylor. Emma can always sense when I am upset. Children always seem to instinctually know when something is wrong. I had asked Jonny to tell her when it happened so she knows. She puts both arms around me, kisses my cheek and just hugs. I walk out and hope the young junior is following us out. 'Thank you, sweetheart, Mummy loves you.'
I place her in her car seat and when I open my door Morven is on the opposite side doing the same. I get in but I need a moment. I can feel her watching me. Emma watching me. 'Salmon, rice and green beans okay with you? It's Emma's favourite.' Emma smiles a me through my rear-view mirror and I know it's obvious that I am creating a distraction but I really don't care. We drive home in silence.
...