The Kabuki-Za was packed over-capacity. Everyone had been battling for days to acquire a ticket to "It's Always Sunny in Japan." Light was no exception. After killing off everyone on the waitlist ahead of him he had the perfect seat - front row center.
The theatre was buzzing with anticipation as the lights dimmed. A hush fell over the room.
A single spotlight flickered on, pointing center stage, right in front of Light. Like an angel descending from Heaven, a stout man with wild hair was lowered from the rafters. His arms were outstretched in a t-pose like Christ on the cross. A tear streamed down Light's cheek as Danny DeVito's feet finally touched down on the stage.
Slowly, but deliberately, Danny reached his left hand into his breast pocket. His sausage-y claws grasped something firmly. In a flourish, he brandished a single egg, hard boiled, to the audience.
"Egg!" he cried.
Gasps echoed through the theater. They were stunned at the thought of what Danny DeVito was about to do.
Savagely, the tiny man ripped apart the hard white shell. Pieces clattered to the floor shattering into thousands of shards. Once the precious white almost-life was free from its cage, Danny held it up for the audience to observe. All the women in the audience simultaneously shrieked in orgasm, the men grunted with the same excitement.
Danny DeVito's extended hand inched ever so slowly and dramatically towards his gaping gob. His tongue extended up to greet the oblong object. The crowd was ready to burst yet again, the slow movements driving them literally insane.
SUDDENLY!
Egg met teeth in an animalistic flurry. Danny DeVito gnashed and ripped, sending wet globs of saliva and egg flying into the audience. Light was in the center of the maelstrom. He was pummelled in a way he had never felt before. Instead of feeling the same orgasmic energy as the rest of the crowd, he felt anger.
"Hey! Stop that!" Light screamed at the goblin on stage. "I did not pay good money to be violated by your filthy yolk!"
"Get a load of this fucking idiot," Danny laughed pointing towards Light, "you paid to be in the splash zone and then you decide you don't want the gift of my egg?"
"Why would anyone want this?" Light screamed back. He knuckles turned white as he clenched the death note in a death grip.
Danny DeVito spat the remaining chicken abortion at Light, His black hair became speckled with bits of white and yellow.
"FUCK YOU!" Danny said to applause. He had to wait five minutes for the standing ovation to subside before he could resume his eggy monologue. Light seethed.
With his teeth clenched, he whipped open the black notebook on his lap. From a secret pocket within his sleeve, he retrieved his favourite writing device: a Bic pen.
Danny DeVito
The name looked beautiful on the paper. Light waited patiently and watched as the disgusting man swallowed over and over again. Continuously spraying his saliva towards the audience in a show of dominance and eroticism.
Finally, the clock reached the six minute mark. Light's pulse quickened as his eyes shot from his digital watch back to the stage expecting to see the death of an American hero.
Danny's vigorous chewing halted abruptly. His eyes drifted out of focus and his jaw went slack, allowing egg to dribble onto his battered Nikes. Light shivered with glee.
A moment passed, Danny began to wobble, his knees weak from the heart attack that wracked his small, yet thicc frame. But he did not fall. His eyes came back into focus and his jaw began to chew once more. He was back in business.
Light sat dumbfounded. Nobody had ever beaten the death note before. With trembling hands he wrote next to the name Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Again he waited, his eyes glued to his digital watch. Every second felt like a millenia.
Once again, six minutes passed. Danny Devito was now shovelling an entire carton of eggs into his unhinged jaw. His brow began to perspire heavily, the fever had hit him. His beady eyes inspected his meaty hands. A look of worry came over him.
"What the fuck is this? I'm not allergic to eggs!" Danny cried through a mouthful of eggs, as he tore open his dirtied shirt, revealing his barrel chest and rippling six pack abs all covered in bright red splotches, angry and irritated by the cloth. "Don't worry folks, my Italian mother taught me a home remedy for this."
He paused for dramatic effect.
"EGGS!"
The crowd erupted once more, chanting "Egg" in thick Japanese accents. Danny quickly shoved six more eggs into his mouth, as he chewed, small loving pellets fell down to the splotches and clung to the inflamed skin. Danny spat the thick paste onto his hands and spread it over his entire body like a sugar scrub from Bath & Body Works. The poultice soothed his itchy patches and moisturized his dry wrinkly skin. The audience went fucking crazy in glee.
Thwarted again, Light felt sick with anger. It coursed through his veins in a way that made writing almost impossible. Danny DeVito is killed by an angry mob immediately. He drew three angry lines under "immediately."
The audience rose at once. Pitchforks and torches materialized in their hands and they bared their teeth. Danny didn't even notice as the first audience members stepped onto the stage. He was lost in the ecstacy of egg. It was a torch that touched him first. Burning off all body hair from the monologuing man.
"EGG, EGG, EGG," came their heavy Japanese accents as they ripped and plundered Danny DeVito's body.
Light smiled in sadistic pleasure. The screams of the American man shortly subsided and gave way to laughter. The fingers of the mob tried to dig into Danny's flesh, but his leather was far too thiccc for any such shenanigans. To Danny, it felt as though he was being tickled by the feathers of an albino peacock.
Light stood and stalked an angry lap around the theater, muttering curses to himself the whole while. Returning to his assigned seat, Light climbed onto the crushed velvet and stood to look over the heads of the crowd. Once more he took out his trusty Bic pen and wrote Danny DeVito's name. Next to it he wrote, death by childbirth .
In a sudden moment of realization, the mob turned back into a loving audience. They apologized in embarrassment and returned to their seats, leaving Danny DeVito, American hero, lying prone on the stage.
He stood slowly, his knees aren't what they used to be. Where he once sported a tight core, his belly was now distended and plump. He was ripe for birthing a child.
"Well, how about one more egg then we hit the road, folks," Danny said, unphased by his assault or the sudden appearance of a pregnant belly.
As he inserted the final egg past his lips, a gush fell from between his legs, soaking his feet. His water had broken. His eyebrows knit together as a wave of pain echoed through his body. The contractions were beginning.
"Don't worry, I'm a medical student," Light shouted, rushing up on stage. First row wasn't enough, he needed to be right next to the man as he died.
Light instructed Danny to get down on all fours like the beast he was then inspected the performer's pelvis. The baby was crowning.
"Push!" Light screamed, and push Danny did. But his body was far too small for the grown man exiting his colon.
"AAAARRGHHHH" came Danny's strangled cry. His body was beginning to go slack as his lower half ripped in two. A puddle of blood spread across the stage making it almost too slippery to stand. Light laughed as the birthing man slipped and fell onto his pregnant belly.
The impact rocketed the spawn out of Danny's destroyed bottom. To Light's horror, it was no baby, rather, it was a fully grown clone of Danny DeVito.
The new DeVito, naked and covered in goop, stood above his dead father and bowed deeply.
The audience lost their goddamn minds. Light, however, did not clap.
Danny's eyes scanned the crowd, absorbing their positive energy, until they finally fell to Light standing next to him.
"You don't clap for that?! Fuck you."
THE END