Hello! Welcome to Artemis Fowl: The Musical! So, grab yourselves some popcorn, enjoy, and don't forget to review!
Chapter One: Artemis Fowl (book one) Part One.
(SCENES ARE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER. NONE. AT ALL. I WILL NOT BE BLAMED FOR CAUSING CONFUSION, YOU SHOULD HAVE READ THE BOLD, ITALICED UNDERLINED, CAP-LOCKED LETTERS.)
Scene One: Ho-Chi-Min City.
ARTEMIS: Yeah, call me Artemis Fowl, I never started this but now it's getting heavy,
Yeah, time to devastate your dirty little plan,
Whatever kind of trick it is!
Yeah, the name is Artemis Fowl,
I'm at the start of being something legendary,
Yeah, I will dominate your dirty little plan,
(Dirty little plan.)
BUTLER: Artemis?
ARTEMIS: Yes?
BUTLER: What does your song have to do with Ho-Chi-Min City?
ARTEMIS: Nothing, I just felt it would be a rather nice opening. Neither IceDynamiteDragonflyStars or her sister, PixiePeahenPOW, could think of an adequate melody that included books, sprites, Ho-Chi-Min or even Vietnam.
BUTLER: Fantastic. Just amazing. One song in and the fourth wall has already been broken. Let's just cut to Holly.
Scene Two: Holly And Root.
ROOT: WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS! *heart explodes*
HOLLY: I'm 45 seconds late.
ROOT: Let's get down to business
In LEPrecon,
Why'd they send me daughters,
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest girl
I've ever met
But you can bet, before we're through,
Captain Short, I'll make a man
Out of you!
HOLLY: Those aren't even the right words.
ROOT: I DON"T CARE! The real words wouldn't work, anyway.
HOLLY: Fine. But still.
RANDOM DUDE OVER THE RADIO: OMG A TROLL!
HOLLY: I'll stop it! So he's a bit of a fixer upper,
So he's got a few flaws,
Like his peculiar brain dear
And his thing with the reindeer
ROOT: *stares at her blankly*
HOLLY: What? It was the only song I could think of with trolls in it!
ROOT: JUST GO FIX IT! *heart implodes*
Scene Three: Holly Meets Artemis.
HOLLY: Well, I can't have told you much in three hours.
ARTEMIS: A few hours? You've been here three days. You've been on a drip sixty hours. You told us all we need.
HOLLY: What is this feeling, so sudden and new?
ARTEMIS: I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you.
HOLLY: My pulse is rushing.
ARTEMIS: My head is reeling.
HOLLY: My face is flushing.
BOTH: What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame,
Does it have a name?
Yes!
Loathing,
Unadulterated loathing!
HOLLY: For your face.
ARTEMIS: Your voice.
HOLLY: Your clothing.
BOTH: Let's just say,
I loathe it all!
Every little trait,
However small,
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing.
Scene Four: The Troll
TROLL: *bashes Juliet* Trolololololololololololololololololololololol...
BUTLER: NOOOO!
CUDGEON: They had it coming,
They had it coming,
They only had themselves to blame,
If you'da been there,
If you'da seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
ROOT: You're fired!
CUDGEON: Fine! If you don't want me, I'll go side with a deranged pixie like an absolute sore loser! *sniff*
Scene Five: Mulch... And I just realised my paragraph breaks aren't working... I'll try and fix that ASAP.
MULCH: One jump
Ahead of the breadline
One swing
Ahead of the sword
I steal
Only what I can't afford
(That's everything)
So, what'cha think? The songs, of which I own none, are:
Call me Artemis Fowl, by Josh Fix,
I'll Make a Man Out Of You, from Mulan (By Disney)
Fixer Upper, from Frozen (Also by Disney)
What Is This Feeling? From Wicked
Cell Block Tango, from Chicago
One Jump, from Aladdin (by Disney)