A/N: I know I have a bunch of fics that need updating. I haven't forgotten them. I apologize for the absurdly long wait on those. I promise they'll get updated soon.
This was written for the fanworks challenge on the OhSam comm at LiveJournal.
Written for the following prompt: "Sam knows addiction. He knows power. He knows betrayal. Sam knows regret. He knows frailty. He knows faith. The best and worst choices he's ever made were to save/protect/help/encourage Dean. He just hopes that this one will be the last."
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, self-worth issues, self harm, depression, swearing.
Huge thank you to my girl Chronic Potterphile for helping out with the plot and being the most awesome cheerleader and friend. You are awesome, hon!
Enjoy!
"What were you even thinking?" Dean asks angrily as he carefully bandages up the gash on Sam's left forearm.
Sam clenches his jaw, eyes not meeting his brother. He'd been thinking a lot of things. Where would he even start?
XXX
Drip, drip, drip.
The first few drops of blood start to fall into the bowl. Sam's smart enough to know that for all its worth, this could be a trap. It probably is too.
But after all that's happened, after all the screw ups he's made, one more screw up could probably help save Dean's life. And if blood is what it takes, Sam isn't backing down.
Drip, drip, drip.
A few minutes pass by. He tries to drown out Rowena's voice who is all but mumbling useless words of encouragement. He can already feel the effects of the blood loss. He takes a deep breath, leaning slightly against the Werther box.
He's definitely a screw up, now that he thinks of it.
It all pretty much started with the demon blood. Dean giving his own soul to save Sam was one of the bravest, and probably stupidest, but definitely bravest things Sam knows that Dean's ever done for him. Brave because he didn't care what happened to himself as long as Sam was okay. Stupid, because he didn't fucking care what happened to himself. Those kind of thoughts weren't really normal, now that Sam wonders.
But then again, after all the shit they'd been through, was anything normal?
Dean did what he did to save Sam. Sam thought what he was doing was right, only it started the first one from the long list of screw ups he'd made.
Sam clenches his teeth as he remembers with vivid detail how Dean had looked at him after he'd realized what Sam had been up to for the four months that Dean had been in hell.
Sam remembers with agonizing clarity the words Dean had said to him.
If I didn't know you, I would want to hunt you.
Sam takes a deep breath again, unconsciously tightening his fist allowing more blood to flow through the self – inflicted wound on his arm.
Sam didn't even realize when the demon blood became more of an addiction than a means to save the innocent and get to Lilith. He'd never realized how much the power he got from the demon blood controlled him.
By the time he'd understood, it had been too late. Sam had killed the demon that had a hand in dragging his brother to hell, but at the same time he'd pretty much released the devil.
Drip, drip, drip.
Sam adjusts himself, feeling weaker and trying not to eye the amount of blood in the bowl. He just hopes he can get it open in time.
His mind goes back to the fact that he had chosen Ruby over his brother. Multiple times. He doesn't think he'll ever get over the guilt of ever doing that. Because all that led to was a bunch of destruction and chaos.
The apocalypse to be exact.
His heart clenches as he remembers the girl they'd met almost a year ago. Tracy Bell. Her family having been killed because of the apocalypse.
He'd not only made a mistake, but he'd caused an innocent girl a huge amount of pain.
For all he knew, there could be dozens, even hundreds of families out there affected because of his one fucked up action.
Another screw up in a list of screw ups which just seemed to be getting longer and longer.
He'd pretty much killed Cas with a snap of his fingers in the same apocalypse, along with snapping Bobby's neck.
His thought process takes a different direction as he realizes that he'd pretty much lost his faith until Castiel had come along. The knowledge that angels actually existed ignited something in Sam.
It was probably diminished slightly after knowing that not all angels were good. Some were just really big assholes, but Castiel was one angel Sam grew to trust. To have faith in.
Even when Dean didn't, Sam always knew Castiel would answer his prayers. If not immediately, then still, somehow Castiel would do it. And he was rarely ever wrong on that forefront.
Castiel came. He always did.
Drip, Drip, Drip.
Sam doesn't think he'll ever stop regretting his mistake with the demon blood. It created a rift between him and Dean that even to date, he still doesn't think is fixed.
He takes a deep breath again, weakness feeling more pronounced.
It's been a while since he's felt like this. The last time he'd felt anything close to this was when he'd opted to do the trials.
All he'd wanted to do was redeem himself in his brother's eyes. Prove to his brother that he wasn't some nobody that kept letting him down.
He wanted to be that somebody that made his big brother proud.
Only, he'd totally failed at that too. Like every other thing in life he'd failed at. Every other goddamn thing.
He snaps out of his thoughts as Rowena's voice pulls him out.
"Slow down," Rowena says.
Sam nods, "Right, okay."
He frowns when the gears in the box stop turning. "No, no, no," he says, panicked.
"It wants more, Sam. It wants it all," Rowena says.
Sam grits his teeth as he pulls out his dagger. He now realizes that this could potentially kill him. He'd probably have to drain all the blood out of himself before the box is open. But if that's what it takes to save his brother, then so be it.
"The codex… path to the cure. It's in there. If it wants more, it'll get more," Sam declares as he cuts open his other forearm.
He ignores Rowena's voice again, not needing her encouragement. The only thing that's going through his mind is that this is the only way to save Dean.
He needs it to be the way to save his brother.
Everything he'd ever done was for Dean.
Whether it had been to protect him, avenge him, or just stand by him and let him know that Sam was there for him.
Everything had always been for Dean, always.
It's his last thought as he slumps against the box, hands now resting on the edge of the basin.
He feels darkness along the corners of his vision and fights with all his strength to stay awake. The codex is the only way to translate the Book of the Damned and he needs it.
If this one action can help cure his brother, it's a sacrifice he's willing to make. He just needs to stay awake long enough for the box to open.
He, however, realizes he's fighting a losing battle.
The box won't open until it has all of his blood. He just hopes Castiel can find the codex before Dean figures out what's going on.
His eyes start to close as exhaustion takes over him.
Drip, drip, drip.
Sam's killing himself, he knows it. He should be bothered by it, but somehow he isn't. He's thought about this before. He's always thought about it.
"It's opening, Sammy! It's nearly there," he hears Rowena exclaim. Sam almost smiles to himself. One last choice, he thinks to himself.
He feels himself drifting off when a voice reaches his ears.
He knows that voice. He'll know that voice anywhere.
"Sam! Hey! Hey, Hey. Sammy, whatever you're seeing, it's – it's a trick. Okay? It's not real!" Dean says.
"Dean?" Sam calls out. No. Dean can't be here. He can't know. He can't stop Sam from doing this. It's the only way to cure him.
"Yeah," Dean says.
Sam struggles as he feels the darkness sucking him in. Once again, he's brought out of the fuzzy, muddled world by Dean.
"Hey, No," Dean says. Sam feels him slap at his face. "No. Hey! Hey!"
"Get away from me!" Sam finally opens his eyes and the first thing he does is grasp for his knife. But his sluggish reactions make it easy for Dean to snatch it out of his hand.
In desperation, Sam pleads, "No, don't! Don't! It's the only way. It needs legacy blood. Enough to take a life."
Sam struggles against Dean who ties handkerchiefs around Sam's arms.
He then feels himself slumped against the wall, desperate for a way to open the box when Dean says, "Yeah, well… it doesn't have to come from just one legacy, does it?"
Sam is out of words as Dean slices open his own arm and adds the last few drops of blood to the basin.
A few seconds later, the box opens and Dean pulls out the codex book.
Sam groans against the nausea he now starts to feel, along with the relief that they got the book out.
He looks around to see if Rowena made it out when he sees green smoke out of the corner of his eye.
His heart skips a beat. Rowena was never there. She wasn't real. Which meant that the box had wanted Sam to kill himself trying to open the book.
As Dean helps Sam to his feet, Sam comprehends that he owes Dean this. He owes his brother a cure. After everything Dean has done for him.
Sure his brother can get reckless, but saving Sam has become his thing. The least Sam can do is get this right and give something back to his brother.
Sam winces as the slashes on his arm hurt, but with Dean's help, he's soon sitting in the passenger seat of the car with Dean driving them back to the bunker; the box having been destroyed.
As Dean drives, Sam can't help think of what Dean said before he got in to drive.
We're stronger together than apart.
Sam tightens his fist around the codex in his hand.
Yet one more reason for him to save Dean.
XXX
Sam winces as Dean finishes bandaging up Sam's right forearm, left having been done a few minutes ago.
Sam didn't even realize he'd never answered Dean's question. He'd blanked out.
"Dude, you okay?" Dean asks, as he gives his handiwork a final look before sitting back against his chair. "You're awfully quiet. It's weird for you. You're always babbling on about something or the other."
Sam rolls his eyes. "Shut up."
Dean shrugs, giving him a knowing look before leaning forward with a serious expression on his face. "Seriously. You okay? I know my whole situation is bothering you, but trust me. I'm going to do all I can to fight it till the end, okay?"
Sam nods, not trusting himself to keep his voice steady if he speaks.
"Why the hell did you think dying for a stupid book was okay?"
Sam gulps. "Honestly? I don't know. All I knew was that this was the reason people were getting hurt. And if me doing what I did helped save anyone else, it was worth it," Sam says, knowing it's not the entire truth, but enough for Dean to believe it is.
"Yeah well, losing you isn't worth anything, Sam. I may be a shitty brother and never say it, but it's true."
Sam stares, taken aback.
Things haven't exactly been on a good footing between him and Dean. And to hear his brother say that, with the rawness in his tone just wasn't something Sam expected.
"You didn't seem to feel that way a few days ago," Sam remarks, still feeling hurt from Dean's comment when he and Charlie had been trying to translate the Book of the Damned.
Dean sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean – "
"Stop," Sam says. "Don't tell me you don't mean it. Every chance you've got, you've thrown that in my face. Only, you heard what you wanted to, not what I meant."
Dean frowns. "What in the world is that supposed to mean?"
Sam gets to his feet, stumbling slightly as the sudden change of position makes him lightheaded. He hates the after effects of blood loss.
He refuses Dean's helping hand.
"Remember what I said," Sam states, look towards Dean.
"Yeah I remember very clearly, Sam," Dean snaps. "You said you wouldn't do the same for me. You wouldn't save me."
Sam makes a frustrated noise. "You only understood what you wanted to hear from that, Dean."
Dean clenches his jaw. "You keep saying that. But I'll tell you again. I have no idea what the fuck you're trying to imply."
Sam grits his own teeth. "I'd said same circumstances, Dean. Same circumstances, I wouldn't have done what you did. You allowed me to be possessed by a stranger, an angel. You tricked me, somehow got my consent to let it in. You knew that I'd never agree to being possessed. Every time it's happened, it's always fucked everything up.
"With Meg, I shot you, nearly killed Jo and hurt Bobby too. With Lucifer, I killed Cas, snapped Bobby's neck and beat you to a pulp. With Gadreel, I killed Kevin. Do I need to say more?" Sam says, stubborn.
"Sam – "
"Look, if I had a choice between letting you get possessed by an angel I don't even know and letting you go, I'd have let you go. Because I for one, know what being possessed feels like. And you're never going to get that."
Saying so, Sam ignores Dean calling out to him and heads towards his room.
He knows Dean thinks he's holding a grudge. It's more than that. He'll never, ever, forgive himself for Kevin.
Never.
And nothing Dean can do will ever make it hurt any less.
He knows his brother never meant for any of that to happen.
He also knows that hiding the fact about the Book of the Damned still being in his possession will probably end up screwing them over, but it's a risk he's willing to take.
This isn't about Dean being possessed or dying. It's about the Mark taking control again and turning his big brother into a ruthless demon, a killer.
This one choice may come to bite him in the ass in a really bad way, but he's willing to take the chance.
He just hopes it's the last one he has to make.
Because if there's one thing Dean was right about, it was this.
We're stronger together than apart.
I totally had a completely different ending planned. But, this happened. Hope you all liked it, either way!
Reviews are love!