Chapter 1: The Phone Call

Alfred giggled to himself as he picked up his phone and hit the speed dial for Alice Kirkland.

"What is it, Alfred?"

"Hello to you too," Alfred replied. "OMG, I'm so frickin' excited!"

"You don't need to say abbreviations aloud," Alice grumbled.

Alfred didn't miss a beat. "I do what I want. Anyway, I'm all hyped up for my party!"

"236 years of being a pain," Alice muttered.

"What's wrong with you?" Alfred feigned offense. "Did you get drunk yesterday?"

Alice made a noncommittal noise.

"I knew it!" Alfred exclaimed triumphantly.

"Hush!" Alice hissed.

"Oh, the big British empire's sister has a headache," Alfred teased.

Alice growled. "Just shut it."

Alfred was silent for a moment, then launched into a conversation. "Alice! I'm excited for my party!"

"That's nice."

"Curmudgeon," Alfred pouted, flopping onto the couch.

"How do you even know that word?" Alice sounded surprised. "No, never mind, I don't want to know."

"You callin' me dumb, old-timer?" Alfred didn't wait for Alice's protest, instead pursuing a completely different topic. "Does tea have caffeine?"

"Yes, why?"

Alfred shrugged, even though he knew Alice couldn't see him. "I just wanted to know why you drink it. It doesn't taste like much, so there had to be another reason."

"It can taste like things, you idiot!" Alice snapped. "Like you with your coffee."

Alfred shifted the phone in his hand. "Coffee has a flavor. Tea tastes like bitter water. Not to mention that green tea isn't even green!"

Alice heaved a sigh. "Coffee is bitter. You just dump so much sugar and artificial flavors into every cup that it tastes different. Coffee could have some nutritional value, but really, I doubt you're getting much. Tea has antioxidants, and all flavors are natural."

Alfred snorted. "Geez, it sounds like you had that rant prepared in advance. But coffee is more useful."

"Tell me, how exactly is coffee useful?"

"Coffee wakes you up. Tea doesn't. Therefore, coffee is better."

Alice sounded exasperated. "Tea is for relaxation. Don't you ever just want to chill?"

Alfred had to work hard to stifle a laugh. "When I want to chill, I eat ice cream. 'Chill'? Trying to be modern, old lady?"

"I am not old!" Alice exclaimed hotly. "And I can say what I want, you bloody git!"

"Dude," Alfred replied smugly, "you're ancient. Oh, and just so you know, British insults don't faze me. I've been laughing at them this whole time."

"Then shut up! I swear, if you say one more word…."

The opportunity was too good to resist. "ONE MORE WORD~!"

"UGH!" Alice groaned. "Just when I thought—"

"You think?" Alfred asked innocently.

"Alfred, don't play games with me," Alice warned.

"But I like games!"

Alice's temper snapped. "Alfred, stop it, Stop it right now. I'm not well and I don't want to put up with you."

Alfred stopped teasing for a bit. "What? You're sick? Is that why you're so easy to annoy?"

"I always fall ill around this time of year," Alice replied warily.

"Really? Allergies?"

Alice sounded impatient. "No, not like that. More like memories. …Why am I telling you? !"

Alfred shrugged again. "Cuz I asked and a lady answers. Memories make you sick?"

"Yes, they can." Alfred thought he heard Alice mutter "daft".

"Oh," Alfred responded. "Well, I hope you feel better!"

"Thanks."

In the silence that followed, Alfred toyed with an idea in his brain. He hadn't invited Alice to his party yet. Naturally, he had assumed Alice would come, but he had to make sure.

"Um, do you want to come to my birthday party?" he asked hesitantly. "I know this is kinda sudden, since the party's in two days, but if you want to…."

"Uh, sure," Alice answered. "I'm not doing anything that day. At least, nothing important."

Alfred pumped his fist silently and tried to keep the enthusiasm out of his voice. "Cool! It'll be super fun! Everyone's coming!"

"Even Ivan?"

Alfred allowed himself a small smirk. "Yep, I didn't want him to feel left out."

"What'll happen at the party?" Alice asked.

"There'll be cake and go-carts and fireworks and beer and fun!" Alfred exclaimed. "To be honest," he added, "I'm a little surprised you said yes. The happy kind of surprised, though."

"You know I wouldn't miss your party," Alice assured him. "But Arthur isn't going to stay for the entirety of it."

"Again," Alfred finished bitterly. "Why does he do that? I guess my parties are kinda…little-kiddish or something."

"No!" Alice protested, a little too quickly. "You're fine."

Before Alfred could respond, Alice screamed. Alfred had to switch the phone to his left ear; his right was ringing.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Instead of a reply, he heard a flurry of swears, then the sound of a paper shredder. Alfred took the phone from his ear and stared at it stupidly, confused.

Finally Alice's voice came through, and Alfred put it back to his ear in a hurry, feeling like an idiot.

"—Francis left a picture of…something nasty," Alice was saying. "Arthur put it through the shredder twice."

"Oh" was all Alfred could think of to say.

"I hope Arthur calms down," Alice continued. "He's stressed out enough as it is, what with—"

"With what?" Alfred interrupted.

"I might've said what if you hadn't interrupted me," Alice retorted.

"Well, stop being such a b**** and relax." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Alfred knew it was the wrong thing to say.

"Excuse me?" Alice's tone was hostile, offended. "Are you going to speak to me like that? I helped Arthur raise you, and you consider me a b****? What am I to you?"

"You are…super moody."

"Shut your face."

"Proves my point," Alfred muttered.

Alice sighed. "Do you feel the need to reply to everything I say?"

Alfred paused, thinking. "No, but either way, I would be replying…."

Alice swore and hung up the phone.

Click.

The sound echoed in Alfred's mind long after it ended.

I talked too much. I teased her too much. I called her a b****.

Alfred smacked his forehead.

"How could I be so stupid?" he moaned aloud.

Tony looked up at him pointedly. "B****."

"Shut up," Alfred grumbled.

What do you think? This story was based off a series of role-play text messages exchanged between me and one of my friends (who isn't on FF). She is serving as my editor and role-played Alfred. I'm adding to and subtracting from the role-play to make it more of a story. Do you like it? Please review! PS: If you know any British terms (insults, different words than American, etc.) could you put them in your review? I hope you enjoyed!