Family Feud: Charmings vs. Lubbocks
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to The Charmings, Just the Ten of Us, or Family Feud. They are owned by their respective production companies. (Please read & review afterwards.)
Author's Note: The story was specifically written to take place between the Dawson and Combs versions of Feud.
Location: ABC Television Center, Stage 54, Hollywood
(Family Feud's folksy theme music begins playing)
Gene Wood, announcer: It's time for the Family Feud!! Introducing the Charming family: Eric, Snow, Lillian, Luther, and Cinderella, ready for action! And the Lubbock family: Graham, Elizabeth, Cindy, Wendy, and Connie, on your marks! Let's start the Family Feud! (Wild audience applause) With the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!
(Richard comes on stage and audience goes even wilder. Music stops playing)
Richard: Boy, what a great crowd you all are! Did everybody get a lollipop? Oh good, the whole audience is happy! Don't you just love it when the lollipop trees come on stage? Anyway, as usual, we're playing for $5,000 and 400 points. Since the Smithfield family retired as 5-time undefeated champions on yesterday's show, we have two new families ready to battle it out for the big money. Please help me welcome our first family, from Van Oaks, California, the Charmings! (Applause) Eric, we welcome you to the Feud.
Eric: Thanks, Richard! Glad to be here!
Richard: Now I understand that you're a writer of children's stories. You just came out with a new book, right?
Eric: I sure did – "The Four Billy Goats Gruff." It's now available in every corner bookstore in the country!
Richard: Sounds like an interesting take on a kid's story. Tell me, which members of your family did you bring today?
Eric: Well, Richard, next to me is the love of my life, Snow White (at this, Richard winces), then we have her stepmother, Lillian, and next to her is Luther, a cousin of Snow's – he lives with us. Last but not least, is Cinderella. She's not really related to us, but we decided to bring her along anyway!
Richard: It appears to me that you're living in fairy-tale land. But that's beyond the point so I won't go there. Snow, you and Eric have two kids, correct?
Snow White: That's right, we have two sons, Thomas and Cory. Boys, if you're watching, Mom and Dad are going to win some money! They're big fans of yours, Richard!
Richard: I wish your boys all the best. All right, let's go across to your competitors, the Lubbocks! They're here to win the big prize too! (Applause) And the Lubbocks come to us today from Eureka, California.
Graham: We're happy to be here, Richard!
Richard: We're happy to have you on the Feud. What do you for a living, Graham?
Graham: I teach physical education and health at St. Augustine's Academy in Eureka. I also coach the basketball and track teams, as well as advise the drama department.
Richard: Busy man, aren't you! Now is St. Augustine's a private school?
Graham: Yes, it's a Catholic prep school that was originally all-boys, but since my girls started going there it became co-ed.
Richard: Very interesting. All right, would you introduce your lovely family for me?
Graham: Sure, Richard. I have my wife, Elizabeth, my daughter Cindy…
Cindy (gleefully and giggly): Hey Richard!
Graham: …my other daughter Wendy, who's Cindy's twin…
Wendy (excitedly): Hiii!
Graham: …and another daughter, Constance, but we call her Connie.
Connie (flatly): Good to see you, Richard.
Richard: I heard these three girls of yours aren't your only kids. You have more?
Elizabeth: You bet, Richard! There are eight kids in our family – our oldest girl, Marie, couldn't come with us today because she's watching our four youngest at home. Hello kids!
Richard: How do you two manage to maintain your large household on just one income?
Graham: Trust me, it isn't easy. That's why we're here today to win some money to alleviate our constant financial pinch.
Richard: Well, you ready to play a game?
Graham: Sure am!
Richard: Okay, let's do it. Let's play the Feud! Here we go!
(Eric and Graham go up to the center podium with the two buzzers and shake hands)
Graham: Eric, I like that – ahem – outfit you're wearing.
Eric: Thanks, chum! I always wear medieval-style tights like these – they're quite comfortable. And may I also inquire about that lettered jacket you're wearing?
Graham: Oh, this? It was a gift from Father Hargis, the headmaster of the school I teach at. See the 'A?' Stands for St. Augustine's.
Richard: I wish you two the best of luck. You know how this works – we surveyed 100 people, and the top five answers are on the board. You've got to try and get the most popular answer. Here's the question. Name a Founding Father who was born in Virginia. (Eric buzzes in) Yeah, Eric?
Eric: Um, Alan Cranston? (audience laughs)
Richard (trying not to snicker): Let's see Alan Cranston!
(Strike buzzer [X])
Richard (to Graham): A Founding Father who was born in Virginia.
Graham: George Washington.
Richard: George Washington!
(George Washington is revealed as the number-one answer and the victory bell rings)
Richard: Play or pass, Graham?
Graham: We're definitely playing, Richard!
Richard: Okay, Eric, go back over there and try to think of a good steal.
Lillian (to the Lubbocks): Curses on you and your family! (Wendy responds by sticking out her tongue at Lillian)
Connie: Oh grow up, you old hag!
Richard: Hello, how are you, Elizabeth? (He kisses her on the lips)
Graham: Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Elizabeth: Excuse me, Richard. Graham, have you ever watched Family Feud? It's Richard's tradition to kiss all the women, and besides, it's for good luck.
Graham: But Elizabeth, didn't we agree…
Elizabeth (ignoring her husband): I'm excited to be here, Richard!
Richard: I'm happy you're here, love. A Founding Father who was born in Virginia.
Elizabeth: Oh, this is easy. Thomas Jefferson.
The Lubbock girls: Good answer! Good answer, Mom!
Richard: Thomas Jefferson!
(Jefferson is revealed as the number-two answer and the Lubbocks cheer)
Richard: Hello, Cindy. (Kisses her on the lips while Graham silently fumes)
Cindy (happily): Ooooh, I just kissed Richard Dawson!
Richard: Tell me a Founding Father who was born in Virginia.
Cindy: Hmm, I think I know this, I took U.S. history last semester. I'm going to say Alexander Hamilton!
Wendy: Good answer, sis!
Richard: Let's take a look and see Alexander Hamilton!
(Strike buzzer [X])
Richard: No, it's not up there, and it's your first strike. Hello, Wendy. (Kisses her and Graham gets even more upset)
Wendy: Hey, Richard! I've watched the show for years and I can't tell you how big of an honor it is to be on stage with you!
Richard: You sure have a lot of energy, Wendy.
Wendy: Richard, I definitely know this, and my answer will be Benjamin Franklin!
Richard: Okay, Benjamin Franklin!
(Strike buzzer [X] [X])
Richard: Oh, too bad, second strike. Connie, how are you, love? (Kisses her and Graham has now reached a boiling point)
Connie: Is life so dear, or peace so sweet? I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death! Richard, those are the words of the great Patrick Henry, and that's my answer.
Richard: In all my years of hosting this show, I never met a contestant who answered as precisely as you. You seem to be a very intelligent young lady. Patrick Henry!
(Henry is revealed as the number-four answer)
Richard: Your family's on a roll here, Graham. $52 in the bank and two strikes.
Graham: Richard, for kissing all my girls, here's my answer – how about James Madison? He's probably not up there according to your so-called survey!
Richard: I don't know, but we shall see. James Madison!
(Madison is revealed as the number-three answer. The family cheers)
Elizabeth: I can't believe we're doing this great!
Richard: You're doing fine, love. There's $66 in the bank now. All we need is one more answer and you've won the first round.
Elizabeth: Oh man, I know this, I really do. I'm going to go on my instincts here. I'll say Robert Morris.
The Lubbock girls: Good answer, Mom!
Richard: If Robert Morris is up there, you have taken the bank. If not, the Charmings will have a chance to steal. Show us Robert Morris!
(Strike buzzer [X] [X] [X])
Richard: No, he's not up there. I have to head over to the Charmings and see if they can steal the bank.
Cinderella, Luther, Lillian and Snow White (all at the same time): Ronald Reagan! Pete Wilson! Dan Quayle! Bob Dole!
(Time-up buzzer sounds, three times in rapid succession)
Richard: Hold it, Eric. Did you hear that little buzz-buzz-buzz? That means I need your answer right now.
Eric: Richard, I kept hearing Pete Wilson, so I think we're going to go with Pete Wilson!
Richard (trying not to laugh): If Wilson is there, you'll take that bank. If not, the $66 will go to the Lubbocks. Pete Wilson!
(Strike buzzer [X]. The $66 goes to the Lubbocks, who jump and cheer at their victory)
Richard: And the bank goes to the Lubbocks for this round. There was one answer on the board that we did not see. Five!
(James Monroe is revealed as the fifth answer)
Audience: James Monroe!
Richard: There you have it. Why don't we play another round! Snow, Elizabeth, you're up!
(Snow White and Elizabeth approach the podium and shake hands)
Elizabeth (softly whispering): Hey Snow, if you ever have a chance, could you and Eric come up to Eureka and visit our house? It would mean a lot to my two toddlers.
Snow White (whispering back): Oh, Eric and I wouldn't mind a bit! After all, we are over 1,000 years old!
Richard: Okay, here we go. 100 people surveyed…
Lillian (running up to podium): Hey wait, Richard! Can I get a kiss?
Richard: Are the cameras rolling? Well I don't see why not.
(Richard kisses Lillian on the lips. As he does so, he is instantly shrunken down to doll size. Lillian laughs wickedly)
Snow White: Mother, how could you do that! He's the host of the show!
Lillian: Do you want to play clean or do you want to win?
Snow White: Mother, regardless of whether I get the question right or not, you restore Richard back to human size when this is over!
Lillian: Oh all right!
Snow White (picking Richard up off the floor and placing him between the buzzers): I'm so sorry about that, Richard. My stepmother can be cruel!
Richard (shrunken and bewildered): I can see that. Let's get going, shall we? 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name something that has a manager. (Snow White buzzes in)
Snow White: An actor.
(Strike buzzer [X])
Richard (looking up at Elizabeth): Elizabeth you can get control if you provide an answer that's up there.
Elizabeth: Grocery store.
(Grocery store is revealed as the number-two answer)
Snow White: Ahem. Mother?
(Lillian reluctantly points her finger at the podium, sending a flash of light its way. Richard is immediately restored to normal human size)
Richard: I've got a good idea, why don't we cut to commercial break instead. I want to have a talk with this stepmother of yours, Snow – and she's left the stage. Wonder where she went.
Gene Wood: Family Feud will be right back after these words from our sponsors – hey, just what are you doing, Lillian?
Lillian (cozying up to Gene): Hello, my good man. Do you have some free time after the show?
Gene (annoyed): Lady, if you don't get back on the stage, I'll be forced to call security and I am not joking!
(Fade to black)