I really don't like this, but I worked really hard on it, so I'm posting it anyway.

It was raining. Carlos was pretty sure that it wasn't supposed to rain in LA, but for some reason it was. He hated the rain. It reminded him of crying. He'd seen enough crying recently to turn himself off of it permanently. Lately, everyone he knew had been crying, even Gustavo. But Carlos couldn't bring himself to cry. No matter how much he was hurting, the tears just didn't come.

James was gone and he was never coming back.

It was raining when they went back to Minnesota that week.

Carlos' mom met him at the airport. Pulled him into a hug. Promised that everything would be okay. Said that it may seem like the end of the world, but life would go on and the pain would go away even though Carlos had stopped feeling pain; he didn't really feel anything. Told him it was okay to cry.

He shook his head. He knew if he could cry, he would. The world might think it was okay for Carlos to cry, but for some reason, his body had chosen to disagree.

Everyone around town was nicer to Carlos Gave him hugs. Told him they'd pray for him. Said what happened sure was a shame, but it would get better. Things like this always did.

It was raining on Thursday when they went to the cemetery.

Logan cried. Said it shouldn't have happened. Called it a tragedy. Clung onto Kendall like if he'd disappear if he didn't (Carlos wished he had someone to hold onto... Maybe then he wouldn't feel so alone...). Wasn't himself though; didn't use any big words when he was talking about it.

Kendall cried. Bit his lip like he was trying not to, but the tears came anyway. Held Logan's hand the whole time; whispering about how they'd get through it together since they always did. Forced out a smile for everyone who said that they'd miss James. The whole thing was so like him.

Carlos still didn't cry. Stood next to Kendall and Logan wordlessly. Couldn't muster up anything to say to Mr. and Mrs. Diamond even though he wanted to say something. Left halfway through the funeral. Couldn't have stayed any longer. Told everyone he was sick, that he'd vomit if he didn't leave.

No one questioned him and he really ended up vomiting when he got home with his mom standing outside the bathroom door asking the whole time if he was alright. He lied because he couldn't stand to make his mother worry. He lied and told her he was fine when he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to wake up in the morning.

It was raining when their plane landed back in LA.

Gustavo apologized for them having to come back. Said it was only because of the contract. Said maybe they'd be able to do it without James this time. Sighed as he mumbled to himself that they probably couldn't.

Carlos didn't leave the apartment much. Slept a lot. Didn't eat much. Wouldn't talk much. Kept to himself and effectively began to lose himself.

It was raining when they went to go record their first song since James died.

It was a love song, but Carlos sang it. Actually good for once, Gustavo said. Lots of emotion put into it. Work on that, Kendall and Logan. Maybe Carlos can help you with that. He knows how to do this song.

Carlos wondered how he was able to trick Gustavo into thinking he put the right emotion into the song. He'd just sang without thinking; without feeling. It seemed that he was doing everything that way these days.

It was raining the day Carlos decided to leave the apartment and hang out around the pool.

There was almost no one there, but Guitar Dude was there. Playing his guitar in the rain. Disregarding the raindrops that landed on his head. Living like he wanted.

Carlos was jealous. Wanted to know how Guitar Dude did that. Wanted to know if *he* could do it.

Guitar Dude smiled when he saw Carlos. Said it was good to see him. Told him he missed seeing him around. Told him to smile because the look on his face was depressing.

Carlos shook his head and asked. Asked him why he didn't care about the rain. Asked him how he lived without a care. Asked him what gave him the courage to live life. Told him he needed to know his secret because he didn't know how to live his life anymore.

Guitar Dude nodded. Handed him a bottle of pills. Said they made all your problems go away. Smiled when Carlos asked if they were drugs. Told him it didn't matter if they helped him live his life again, right?

It was raining when Carlos took the first pill.

His world started spinning. Thoughts left him. Vision got blurry. Floor flew out from under him.

And he was falling. Face met the ground. Cheek was bleeding. Blood ran slowly down his cheek. And he felt good.

Carlos was falling apart fast.

The guys didn't notice. Didn't notice that Carlos held the bottle of pills in his pocket everywhere he went. Didn't notice when he snuck away from rehearsal to pop a few pills. Didn't notice how his hands would shake if he went too long between pills. Didn't notice how the only time he smiled was when he took the pills.

Or if they noticed, they didn't say a word about it.

It was raining when Carlos' world came crashing down more than it already had.

Carlos held the bottle of pills in his hand. Five left. Poured them out into his hand. Took all five because he needed the lift.

His reaction wasn't the same that time. Vision went blurry way too fast. Laid on the ground. Breathing went shallow. World went dark before Carlos could process exactly what's going on.

Logan found him like that. Lying on the bathroom floor. Still clutching the empty pill bottle in his hand.

Logan knew exactly what happened. It was an overdose. Carlos' heart was still beating; pulse pounding.

Logan ran to get Kendall. Kendall studied the scene and did what he knew he should. Grabbed the phone. Called the paramedics. Called his mom. Called Carlos' family. Called Gustavo and Kelly. Called everyone he can think of. Told them what happened to Carlos.

Everyone marveled at how calm Kendall was being. He was faking it though. Didn't know what he'd do if he lost Carlos. Couldn't lose Carlos. Already lost James. Couldn't lose another friend. Couldn't handle it.

It was raining sixteen hours later when Carlos woke up in the hospital room.

Logan went to go get coffee, but Kendall wad there and he had a lot of questions to ask. Asked if Carlos was trying to kill himself. Asked why he took those pills. Asked how long he'd been taking the pills. Asked him where the hell he'd gotten the pills because he'd kill whoever had given him the pills.

Carlos didn't answer, so Kendall stopped asking and started telling. Told Carlos he wasn't allowed to take any more pills. Told him it wasn't an option anymore. Told him how much Logan had cried when he thought Carlos wasn't going to make it. Didn't mention how much it had hurt him though.

It was raining when Carlos is released from the hospital and rushed to the studio to film the first music video for their new album.

One of the dancers kept smiling at him. Tall and thin with blonde hair and blue eyes. Not particularly attractive in Carlos' opinion, but the last person to smile at him like that was James and he needed it.

That's why Carlos had sex with some dancer whose name he never learned in a supply closet at the studio when Gustavo gave them their lunch break.

It was Kelly that caught him. Pulled him aside. Quietly told him that he couldn't replace how he'd felt about James with drugs and random hook-ups in the closet.

Carlos lashed out. Yelled at Kelly. Told her she didn't understand how he felt. Told her no one understood.

She just stood there and took it.

He pushed past her and ran out of the studio and out into the rain.

It had finally stopped raining when Carlos broke down.

It came as a flash of anger. He screamed. Threw the he had pictures of he and James across the room. Tore James' clothes down from the closet. Took every one of James' beauty products and put them in the trash.

And then he found James' journal. Opened it up to the last entry that James had written the day before he'd died. Only one sentence long. "I love Carlos and I'm going to be with him forever and ever."

That was enough of an invitation for Carlos' body to finally start crying. And that's how Mrs. Knight found him three hours later. Crying all the tears that he hadn't been able to cry before.

It was raining when his plane landed in Minnesota.

Mrs. Knight had talked Gustavo into letting Carlos go back to Minnesota for a week; get his head back together.

Carlos hadn't told his parents he'd be home, so he caught a cab outside of the airport. Told the driver not to take him home, but instead take him to the cemetery. Said he had some business to take care of.

The driver shrugged. Didn't care as long as he got paid. Got an odd look on his face though. Said he didn't pick up many teenage boys from the airport so anxious to go to the cemetery in the rain.

Carlos' gave the driver a weary smile and said that he needed to fix something he'd messed up the first time around. Said he'd never gotten to say goodbye to the person who meant the most to him in the world and his life had been hell because of it.

The cemetery was empty when Carlos got there.

He walked up to where James had been buried and started talking.

"Hey..." he said quietly with his eyes focused on the wet grass beneath his feet. "I've just got one question... Why'd you have to leave me?"

Tears were welling up in his eyes and he did his best to hold them back. "Because I found this page in your journal and you said you'd be with me forever and ever and you're NOT!"

He'd been standing there for close to an hour crying when an older woman approached him.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" she asked softly.

Carlos shook his head no. "He's gone! He's gone and I need him, but he's GONE!"

The woman looked at Carlos. "Was this your boyfriend, honey?"

Carlos nodded and bit his lip because it slowed down the tears.

"Let's talk, okay?" the woman said, leading Carlos to a bench. "Tell me everything."

So he did. Told her about how he couldn't cry. Told her about the love song. Told her about the pills. Told her about waking up in the hospital. Told her about what Kendall had said. Told her about hooking up with dancer in the closet. Told her about talking to Kelly. Told her about his breakdown. Told her about the journal page. Everything.

"Well, let me tell you about my granddaughter..." the woman said with a small smile.

She began to tell him a story about her four year old granddaughter, Rosie. How she never got to meet her. How she was wondering how she was growing up. How she wished she could be around to see her.

"Why can't you be?" Carlos asked. He didn't understand what the woman was talking about.

The woman smiled and pulled Carlos into a hug. "James loves you, Carlos."

Then she walked away into the bank of fog that had begun to gather around the cemetery. It wasn't until after she disappeared that he realized he hadn't given the old woman either his or James' names.

"Come on, Mama!" a little girl yelled, snapping Carlos out of his thoughts. Her hair was red and done in two braids on either side of her head. She wore a blue plaid jumper with white tights. Spotting Carlos, she hopped up on the bench next to him.

"Hi! I'm visiting my grandma! Who are you visiting?"

Carlos smiled softly. He loved kids. He and James were going to have four, two boys and two girls.

"I'm visiting my boyfriend, James."

The little girl smiled, revealing a gap in her teeth where she must have lost one. "Do you have a picture? I have a picture of my grandma, but I lefted it at home!"

"Here," Carlos said, bringing up a picture of him and James on his phone.

"He's pretty!" the little girl exclaimed. "Do you love him?"

"Yeah," Carlos said softly.

A young woman stepped out from the fog. "Come on, Rosie. Don't bother strangers!"

"Bye!" the little girl, Rosie, said as she skipped off.

Carlos looked up at the sky. "This isn't funny you know."

It was still raining when Carlos called his mom to come get him from the cemetery.

His mom was surprised that he'd come back to Minnesota, but she didn't mention how odd it was for him to be standing in a rainy cemetery. Didn't mention his tear stained cheeks. Didn't mention how he'd never told her that he was coming home. Just mentioned that she'd made macaroni and cheese for dinner. Carlos' favorite.

Carlos had his mom drop him off at James house on their way home. Told her he'd walk home from here. Said he had something that he needed to do.

Mrs. Diamond opened the door and smiled at Carlos. Invited him in. Offered him some food, maybe something to drink.

Carlos shook his head and pulled James' journal from his backpack.

"I just wanted to give you this," he said, handing it to her. "It's James' journal. I think he would have wanted you to have it."

She smiled.

"Wait," Carlos said, removing the last page from his pocket. It was wrinkled, so he tried to smooth it out before handing it to Mrs. Diamond. "This too."

Mrs. Diamond handed the journal and the loose page back to Carlos. "You need to keep this. There's also something else I need to give you."

Carlos stood awkwardly in the living room as Mrs. Diamond went upstairs. Looked around the house. Not much different than it was since they'd moved out to LA what felt like years ago. There were still pictures of James and his siblings all around. It was comforting.

"Here," Mrs. Diamond handed Carlos a picture of him and James on the first day of kindergarten, the first day the pair met.

"Things will get better," she told him, pulling him into a hug.

And he smiled, finally letting himself believe that they really would.