It only happened once, but once was far more than enough. No one had ever experienced that side of James Moriarty before. That night had been nothing but everything that the psychopath had hated. It was full of a sort of sentimental desire. It was the first time the two had made love and not just shagged. Sebastian could still remember every single detail of that night. The way Jim had said his name, the way the three words he'd always wished to hear had rolled of his tongue with that Irish accent.
"I love you."
And even now in the pitch black room that Sebastian tossed and turned in, he wondered if it had all been just a dream. Had Jim really lain with him like that? Had he truly been worthy of such a prize? Perhaps not, but he had gotten it. Jim had clung to him as though Sebastian was the only one that could save him.
It was too late now, though. Jim was gone and Sebastian would never feel their skin touch ever again. Maybe fate had been tempted that night so long ago. Was it long ago? Sebastian wasn't quite sure anymore. He had lost his concept of time after Jim had gone. Everything was just darkness; the same darkness that James Moriarty had been made of.
But as he lay in the bed that he had once shared with the psychopath, he swore he heard another's heart beating. It was a familiar beat… It was Jim's heartbeat. No, it couldn't be.
"Jim?" Sebastian tried to look around, but no shapes filled the darkness. There was nothing there. "Just go away. Let me rest in peace." But the heartbeat only grew louder. Jim wasn't the type to leave without causing a little suffering first anyway.
His heart ached as he sat up, looking for the source of the sound. His arms ached with the desire to hold Jim once more; just like that one rare night. "Haven't I suffered enough? Didn't I give in to the pain?" he yelled, and was not surprised when there was no response.
After so long, Sebastian had conformed to the darkness all around him. It had reminded him of Jim and hadn't he allowed Jim to consume him? Then why not allow the familiar darkness to do the same?
"I tried to stay with you. I did, but what could I really do, Jim? There was nothing left for me. You took it all away…"
Closing his eyes, Sebastian Moran started to play the night over and over again in his head. The memory was the only thing that could comfort him now. Remembering how Jim smiled, how he moaned, he felt beneath him…
And just like every night, the pain overwhelmed him. Everything he had ran from came back to torture him. "What more do you want from me?" he begged, feeling hot tears slide down his cheeks. He pressed his hands to his ears, trying to block out the voice that he knew was in his head.
As he fought to ignore it all, the fingers of his right hand brushed against the gunshot wound on his temple.
Even here- even in death- James Moriarty still found a way to control everything around him. There would never be any peace as long as they were separated. Sebastian would never find a way to escape the guilt, the pain, and the utter hatred that seemed to make up his very being.
A tortured soul was all he would ever truly be.