Hold Me

by azul renge

My first attempt at Angst! The story follows the phase of Ichigo's life where he's hit the bottom and then Grimmjow becomes his anchor...or does he? Also, many Thanks to KenzieFF-San for her insight on this!

Hold Me.

I feel like I'm in hell. My heart feels like it's wrapped in barbed wire and I feel like there isn't enough air going into my lungs. It hurts, but the worst thing is that fact that I want to keep on living, so badly. I don't want to give up on life, but I keep hurting. When will this stop? When will I be able to look in the mirror and smile genuinely? The hope in my heart gets reduced by inches day after day of loneliness.

I'm walking in the hallway of the University, the Biochem books in my hands heavier than they look. I'm looking down at the floor as I walk, not because I'm ashamed or shy, but because if I see the people walking in the hallway, with their friends and companions, I'll see a life I don't have. I'll see the flicker of happiness in their eyes they received from another person. When did my heart turn into something so weak and pathetic?

I revise the experiment process and the products in my head when I hear someone yell, ''Hey!'' I turn the corner, not giving any mind to the momentary break in my train of thought because who would be calling me? I didn't have any acquaintances much less friends, only my lab partner with whom I only speak about the lab work.

So I'm startled when I hear it again, ''Hey, you! The one with the orange hair!'' I halt and whip my head back to look at the person who was probably calling out to me and I'm a bit lost as I take in the obnoxious blue strands styled wildly and even wilder blue eyes. Grimmjow Jaegerjaques is standing there in the slightly crowded hallway, hands grabbing his leather cladded hips. He's panting softly from what I guess is from running, which of course is prohibited but whose rules did the notorious Grimmjow Jaegerjaques follow? Nobody's. I have often heard about this guy…everywhere around campus. Grimmjow was the same as me; a freshman but within the four and a half months since the start of the new academic year, Grimmjow had already grown popular around the University.

He was handsome and almost all of the things I have heard about him being spoken consisted of either people wanting to beat the crap out of him, or go to bed with him. Even my own lab partner was chatting up with the guy who was at the lab table besides ours about the blue haired Casanova.

I wonder what he wants with me. I stay still, tugging my white lab coat which rested in the loop of my left elbow a bit closer to my body, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious under his gaze.

I watch him near me, taking step after step towards me. He stops at about a foot's distance in front of me and I have to crane my neck up to look at his face. He's almost a head taller than me.

He looks at my face, as if studying me. I'm about to ask what was it he had wanted with me when he says, ''I like you. Let's go out.''

Somehow, it doesn't surprise me. Startled? Yes. Now-a-days, nothing gets into my head. If this had happened a few months ago, I'm sure I would have been a verbal mess, because one, a man had confessed to me and two, a dizzyingly handsome man had confessed to me. I close my eyes, longer than what it takes to blink. When I open my eye lids, my gaze falls on the silver chain around Grimmjow's neck. It's reflecting light and I almost get distracted. I take a breath then nod, replying ''Sure,'' and I wonder after I say, how many days has it been since I heard my own voice?

I look up at slightly widened, but confident blue eyes, ''Great. Uh,''

I want to laugh. I really do, but my laughing muscles won't move. ''Kurosaki. Kurosaki Ichigo, Grimmjow.'' I'm glad my voice doesn't crack that much from not using it.

''Kurosaki Ichigo,'' He rolls it around his tongue then smirks charmingly. It occurs to me that somebody might have made a bet with the notorious Casanova, and that I shouldn't just agree to go out with somebody whom I only know based on rumours and most importantly, someone who doesn't even know the name of the person he apparently 'liked'. However, I don't reject him, because I wanted hope. I need a presence. It wouldn't matter if I didn't like Grimmjow, which is all the better because once I find out for real that it was some kind of bet, my already broken heart wouldn't break further. It's selfish of me, I know. But I was feeling something other than despair and even if it was something dark like selfishness, I would welcome it.

And so, we decided to become a couple. We exchanged cell phone numbers and email addresses. He told me that he would text me later in the evening and went off on his way, turning every head in his path.

The day ends with more homework assignments and a successful row of experiments. I reach home after taking the subway. I turn the keys to the house plus clinic and step into the foyer, a habitual ''I'm home,'' escaping my lips but with no response with deliciously smelling food greeting me back.

I should be used to this, I reprimand myself. I take off my shoes and step into the empty kitchen, turning on the lights in the hallway along the way. I place the small plastic bag I got from the department store and take out a cup of instant ramen from it. After washing my hands, I move to boil some water for the ramen, meanwhile I wash my face and change my shirt.

It takes another fifteen minutes of pouring the boiled water into the cup and waiting for it to cook before I can sit down at the dining table and I pick up my chopsticks to try to eat the cup of noodles. 'Try' because I cannot swallow the food. My stomach feels full with just a couple slurps and I rest the chopsticks on the table, leaving the barely eaten dish to be thrown out tomorrow morning. It tastes bad. I miss mom's cooking.

I stare longingly at the stove before I get up and climb the stairs to my room. On the way, I stop before the door to Yuzu and Karin's room. I open it slowly and my eyes rest on all the dust filling up the space of the small room. I'll clean it on Sunday, I decide. It had been two months since I last did it. I'll definitely clean it on Sunday. Then I'll clean the clinic on the next Sunday.

I linger at the entrance for another moment then I separate myself from the door frame of the small and dusty room, then head to my own.

I wake up to the sound of my phone's ringtone ringing loudly in my empty house. I sit up in my chair and notice that I must have fallen asleep trying to do the assignment due next month. I look around and find the noisy device thrown carelessly in between the sheets of my bed and glance at the caller id before picking up.

''Hey,'' I hear Grimmjow greet from the other side of the phone, his voice rougher and deeper on the phone.

''Hey,'' I greet back, voice obviously muddled with sleep.

''What are you doing?'' Grimmjow questions and I reply that I had been sleeping.

''That explains the sleepy tone,'' he says and I can hear him chuckle. Is this what young people now-a-days fall for?

''Have you had dinner yet?'' he suddenly asks and I look outside to see the darkened sky, then look back at my phone screen. It was eight pm.

''No, not yet,'' I reply.

''Do you wanna eat with me?'' I consider this as I look at my desk. The preparation for tomorrow was already done. The work which I had to submit next month was almost halfway done.

There was nothing else I could have been doing so I reply, ''Sure,''

''Do you know that place by the M building? That meat restaurant, ''

''Yeah,'' I reply, remembering the time I went there during my years in high school. They served delicious food, but it was hidden where it was tucked neatly at a corner of a lonely street. He was surprised Grimmjow knew of that place.

''Meet me there.'' He says and hangs up.

I bring the phone down from my ear and grab a black, loose hoodie from my closet before locking the door and head out to the place. It was near to my house so I would reach it if I walked for about fifteen minutes.

I enter the busy restaurant and instantly spot Grimmjow. He was big and he was wearing a black snapback which covered most of his wild hair but he could instantly be spotted due to the sole reason of his aura being so distinct and different from normal people.

Many business people are dining with colleagues and I can see some other High school students in their uniforms. Grimmjow is seated in a corner which I assume was quieter than the rest of the restaurant. Grimmjow grins at me when he spots me, beckoning me with his hand. I should have smiled in response but instead, I nod and go over there because again, my smiling muscles won't move.

I sit cross legged on the heightened floor across from Grimmjow and see that my new boyfriend had already ordered a serving of beef which he was cooking on the small, portable stove on the table. He points to my side of side dishes and tells me that the meat is almost cooked.

It smells delicious and I want to puke. But I hold it in.

He tells me to pick out my portion of the meat from the stove and I do while he picks his. I take a bite of it. It tasted more delicious than it smells. I tell him that. He says that it should be because he cooked it, all the while sporting a serious look on his face.

I nod and realize this is what I can do instead of trying to laugh.

I take another bite and I'm already full whereas Grimmjow has already finished eating more than half his plate. It wasn't exactly awkward because I didn't even know what I was feeling between trying to pretend to eat when I felt like throwing up.

I decide to start up a conversation and ask him about himself. He starts speaking about his past. Where he lived, which high school he went to, etc., then he starts speaking about his friends at the university and the 'wild' adventures they have been on together. He tells me how he excelled at sports and tells me hilarious stories about beating his lanky friend named Nnoitra at basketball so horribly, that once, he had almost killed someone.

''You guys are very competitive huh,'' I remark and he smirks devilishly again, ''Of course,'' he replies. I nod.

I move the food in my plate around and I don't know if he noticed or he did but didn't care. Either way, I decide I can't eat anymore.

''What about you?'' He asks. And I look up to see him put another piece of meat in his mouth.

I wait a few seconds before I reply lamely, ''I don't really have any friends,''. He looks at me expectantly, sharp eyes never faltering as he speaks with his eyes, wanting me to speak more. I put down my chopsticks and retreat my hands into my lap.

''I suck at baseball, but I'm good at Basketball and soccer,'' I say and it is the longest sentence I hear myself say in months. Grimmjow must think so too- The longest sentence I have spoken since I have met him, ''I like chocolate ice cream but I hate strawberry.'' I say and he rises an eyebrow at that, ''My name does not mean strawberry. It's 'The one who protects' which I admit is cheesy, but I think it's better than strawberry,'' I clarify.

He laughs. ''Go on, '' he says and I have to think really really hard.

''Uh…''I start, but nothing pops up in my head. I draw a blank. Even I think I'm not interesting anymore.

''Do you want to have lunch together tomorrow?'' He asks me, pulling me out of my despair.

''Sure,'' I reply and tell him when my morning classes end and we decide to meet at one pm in the school cafeteria. The rest of the night passes as Grimmjow speaks now and then, eating until he's satisfied with me listening and commenting here and there, my food going untouched.

He pays and we get out after one and a half hour. We walk along the silent street, even more noiselessly and we have already reached the end. ''Good night, '' He says as he leans down and pecks my cheek. My eyes are fixed helplessly on the ground at the gesture of affection, whether it was indeed real or not, and I nod. ''Good night, Grimmjow,'' I say before turning on my heel and jogging up to my empty home.

The day is going smoothly enough and my classes for the morning end at twelve thirty. I reach the cafeteria and take a seat down at one of the tables. At ten minutes past one, Grimmjow enters the softly buzzing cafeteria in his sports jersey and takes the seat across from mine. ''Am I late?'' He asks, ''No,'' I tell him.

He asks me what I want and that he would go bring it. I request for a coffee milkshake, telling him I was in the mood for liquid food. Although I doubt whether I can finish it. He nods in his charming way once with one corner of his lips turned up, the girl in the adjacent table squeals loudly.

I take out a reference book and flip a page, reading the information required for the next class when Grimmjow arrives and I put the book down on the table. He gives me my milkshake and I say my thanks while he takes the seat besides mine this time. I start to think that from afar, we must look very comfortable with each other, with Grimmjow pulling his chair right next to mine and slumping down comfortably, his arm slightly nudging mine as he eats his sandwich and I nibble at my straw. My feelings are better that before, I conclude when I can't identify what I'm feeling because of this situation.

''I think Zaraki and Kuchiki have the hots for each other.'' I hear and quickly turn my head left towards Grimmjow. ''Seriously?'' I ask. The basketball coach and the Physics professor who were always arguing in the hallways had the hots for each other?

''Yeah,''I hear my boyfriend reply, ''I think they argue like that because of the pent up sexual tension between them.''

''You are very imaginative.''

''I'm right,'' he says confidently while I take a sip. It felt a bit more comfortable talking with Grimmjow than it did last night. ''Do you have any proof?'' I ask him out of curiosity.

Grimmjow seemed to be in thought. ''You don't have any, do you?'' I say matter of fact-ly and he looks up at me with a sharp gaze. ''I can promise you that they will fuck each other sooner or later.''

I take another sip. Wow, three sips at lunch. That's a record. ''That's not proof.'' I tell him.

He reaches his hand and pulls my left cheek with his fingers. I move back instantly, away from his touch. He smirks and tells me that I will realize how right he is once the news of them dating gets out. I don't say anything and look ahead at the blank cream coloured wall. Grimmjow talks about a lot of things and I find myself enjoying his company until our lunch time nears the end. Grimmjow gets up and dumps his plate then asks me, ''You free on the weekend?''

I nod yes.

''Let's go on a date,'' He states, ''I'll text you the details,''

Before I can say anything, he pecks my cheek and then he's already leaving the cafeteria. I gather my things and get up as well. I pick up my cup to throw it away but to my surprise, I notice that my cup is almost empty.

That night I receive a text from Grimmjow.

'Let's go to a café on Saturday morning.'

'Sure. Where?' I reply after a minute.

'It's that new one by the station. I heard they had great chocolate items.' I want to smile.

'I know it. I pass by it every day. How about we meet there at 10 am?'

'Great. Good night, Ichigo.'

'Good night, Grimm.'

I sent the last message, silently curious about Grimmjow's reaction at the nick name. Then I put the phone aside and went to sleep, the comforter was warmer than it had been usually.

For the next couple of days, I exchanged 'hellos' with Grimmjow whenever we crossed paths in the hallway and he would give me one of his charming smiles. He would also peck me on my cheek or forehead every now and then and every time he does it, I don't know what to do or how to react to the show of affection. We eat lunch together and I started to enjoy my time with him. He's so free, his heart is so strong. That's what I feel when I'm near him. I begin to like him the more we talked and the more we spent our time together. It was fun and with him, I didn't completely despise eating. Despite not increasing the quantity of food which I got, I'm able to finish what I start. It feels good. Whenever I feel lonely, I could just text him and he would immediately reply. He really does give me hope.

I woke up Saturday morning at 6 am and searched for a clean outfit first thing in the morning. Finding a satisfying one, I put it on and realizing I had too much time, I settled on my bed with my notebook, trying to complete the analysis for the experiment we did yesterday. It calms me.

My attention is needed elsewhere when the doorbell rings. I get up and climb down the stairs, glancing at the clock before opening the door, I note that the time was 8 am. Who could be at his door step so early in the morning? I opens the door and my eyes widen at my guest.

''Sousuke-san,'' I recognize the presence of my uncle. His brown eyes look at me and I feel like throwing up because they are the same ones as my mom's. ''Can I come in?'' He asks and I let him in.

I feel like dying. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm so lost. I want to go to sleep and never wake up until my reality changes. I'm running right now. I'm running towards anywhere, somewhere where someone will tell me everything will be alright. What should I do? My lungs are burning due to the lack of sufficient air. The conversation with Sousuke-san was nothing less than a struggle. He wants to take away what else I'm left with and I don't want to give up but I feel so powerless. It makes me feel hopeless. My legs stop in front of the café and I open the door, the chime of the bell making my stomach lurch. Even Grimmjow, I think when I spot him, even Grimmjow will eventually break up with me. If he sees my scars, it will be an instant end. Someone like Grimmjow, he deserves a person who respects himself more. Someone who has more faith in himself.

I drag my legs to the table Grimmjow is sitting at and take a seat in front of him, panting and trying to catch my breath.

He notices me and greets me but pauses when he notices my ragged breathing and sweaty face. This is in no way how a person is supposed to appear on a date. Even I know that. He asks me if I had ran here and I tell him I was running late so I did.

''It's okay. I would only have been a little mad even if you were late.'' He says with a wink and I don't know what to say or do. Grimmjow's being my anchor right now, he's the only thing stopping me from drowning and he doesn't even know that.

I nod and a waitress places a glass filled with Chocolate ice cream in front of me. I look at Grimmjow who's grinning wildly, ''A thoughtful gift,'' he says and my hands are trembling when I grab my spoon. I feel weak and lost but Grimmjow, only he makes me feel like there's a tomorrow to all of this. That there's an end to this torture. A fear strikes inside of me telling me not to trust Grimmjow completely but I shove it aside. Right now, I need him, right now, he's the only one who's telling me it's worth living.

We get out of the café after a few hours then Grimmjow suggests we watch a movie to which I instantly agree to. Anything to distract me from reality is welcome. We sit in the dark theatre and I don't even know what movie this is as memories of this morning keep on playing through my head, tearing my heart apart with every re-winded sentence of which came out of Sousuke's mouth.

My throat feels full and I'm on the verge of tears when the movie ends.

Grimmjow is holding my hand as we walk along the side walk. He invited me to his home and again, I readily agreed. I don't want to go home today. Our hands are warm and sweaty by the time we reach Grimmjow's house. He opens the door and tells me the house is empty since his family were on a vacation in South Korea. He stayed behind because he had a match but they didn't want to stay with him since he would apparently win anyway.

We sit on his comfy couch and watch a romcom. It's disgusting and Grimmjow thinks that the word 'disgusting' is an understatement. He moves closer to me and drapes a strong arm over my shoulder. He's warm, I think. It takes a few more moments before Grimmjow's tilting my head up and is kissing my lips.

Normally, I wouldn't have allowed myself to do this simply because of the reason that I don't love Grimmjow yet. I like him, I like him a lot and I feel repulsed at my own self for seeking comfort in this way. Just because I'm lonely and I don't know where to go, I seek comfort from my anchor in more ways than one. But Grimmjow's so strong and he's so warm. He's like my superglue who's holding me together. He cheered me up in a time nobody did. He's my hope.

And now, I'm lying on the couch breathless and lips swollen, unsure of whether Grimmjow loves me or not. Which is another reason why I wouldn't have allowed this to happen under normal circumstances. How could somebody like Grimmjow want to go out with me? I still think it was some kind of bet, but here I am, accepting his warm and soft lips as if they were medicine. Giving my body up because of my damaged and weak heart, what was happening to me? I feel tears spilling from my eyes in fear of losing myself and losing grip on reality, but it doesn't give me any relief. I'm so confused and Grimmjow's touch is the only thing keeping the broken pieces of my heart together, which makes me cry more.

Grimmjow wipes away my tears carefully with his thumb, probably thinking of them as a reaction of me being overwhelmed. He starts kissing my jawline and reaches my neck, while his hands roam across my sides under my shirt, my skin is burning wherever his fingers land. He tugs at my full sleeved shirt and I plead to him to turn off the lights. He complies despite letting out a confused groan and when he reaches the couch, he starts kissing me again, finally pulling the shirt off of me and I can't stop the tears which flow out of eyes at his warm embrace.

Thankfully, I'm the first to wake up. I find myself naked lying on top of Grimmjow's own naked body between numerous layers of bed sheets on the couch. I think that Grimmjow might have brought them down after I passed out. I get up silently and gather my stuff, put my clothes on and leave his house for my own.

I run towards my bathroom the moment I reach my house. I turn on the shower after quickly disposing off my clothes and stand there as the cold water engulfs my worn out body. I sigh and once again, tears start falling from my eyes. What have I done? I cover both of my eyes with the heel of my palms and slump down the bathroom wall. What have I become?

I come out of the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror, my eyes and nose are red and the whole of my torso is covered with red kiss marks. I stare at the one just besides my stitch mark under my left collar bone and wonder if Grimmjow saw the scars on my body.

Quickly brushing off the thought, I enter my bedroom and sit down on the soft bed after putting on some clothes. I check my phone for any calls and I see nothing. But I do see the day. Sunday. Deciding it was better than doing nothing, I grab the vacuum cleaner and other cleaning tools then head out to my sisters' empty and dusty room to do what I had planned to do a week ago.

The next day, I have a headache. I cried a lot last night and I think my eyes are still swollen from the looks I'm getting from people. I haven't eaten all day yesterday and today as well. I get dizzy and almost faint from the physical stress of starvation coupled with the heavy crying. The bio professor notices this and orders me to get out and eat something right in the middle of class. I nod slowly and now I'm in the cafeteria.

I buy a milkshake and I look for a seat when I notice Grimmjow sitting at a corner table along with a taller person. Guilt takes over my mind but I decide to apologize to him for leaving abruptly yesterday. I move towards their table and nobody notices me but I can hear their words.

''I swear I took him to bed!'' Grimmjow almost growls. The lanky person sitting right to the circular table snickers and asks for proof.

''I don't need proof. I won the bet, Nnoitra'' He says and my heart clenches at the expected reality.

''Hahah! Right, you have no proof yet you claim to have won the bet! You want me to believe you took that depressing guy to bed without any proof? Right! You must have imagined to have done it, Grimmjow!''

I notice Grimmjow's shoulders stiffen in a defensive stance and I can't take it anymore and I step behind the taller male. The lanky guy notices me and his features freeze, eyes going wild noticing the drink in my hand, thinking of the obvious course of action in such a situation. I act before Grimmjow even notices me.

''Here's proof,'' I say as I pull down the right side of the circular collar of my cream colored long sleeved sweater to reveal the now purple kiss marks around my collar bone from my night with Grimmjow. The lanky guy's jaw drops and Grimmjow immediately whips around in his chair to face me. His eyes widen impossibly when he sees the exposed skin of my collar and his brows furrow.

''Ichigo I-''

''It's okay. I had already anticipated this situation.'' I say before he can say anything. I don't hate Grimmjow, I can't hate Grimmjow. Was what he did really bad? I don't care about that because more than if I got betrayed or not, Grimmjow made me want to smile. And that's why Grimmjow is important to me. I don't hate him for doing this and I'm even thankful. I had anticipated this situation yet, it was I who even agreed to go out with him for the sole purpose of not wanting to be lonely. The days we spent together, even if had been only a week had built up my hope bit by bit. He shared his happiness with me, when he had no reason to, and he saved me when nobody would. He definitely wasn't a shoulder to cry on, but Grimmjow had been and is my hope. His smile is and his dreams are.

Although it hurts like hell now, I like Grimmjow a lot. But now, Grimmjow had no reason to be with me. I regret sleeping with him now not only for the reason of my guilt towards him and myself, but even more just so I could have extended the bet.

''I don't blame you at all. That day, I was lonely,'' I admit, lowering my gaze, ''And I'm selfish because I used you too. So don't blame yourself either.'' I doubt Grimmjow wouldn't feel guilty. Even if he did agree to the bet in the first place, after knowing me, after seeing me like this, I know he would be affected by this at least somewhat, because Grimmjow was that kind of person. It wasn't a hope in my heart, it was something I'm sure off after knowing Grimmjow. So I do this. I bend down and hug his back. ''I'm sorry, Grimm. I wasn't a good boyfriend, yet you gave me good memories. Better ones than what I have had for months. Don't feel bad. Don't blame yourself, Grimmjow.'' I tell him, my fingers are trembling as I place them on top of Grimmjow's stiff shoulders because I wouldn't be able to anymore. ''I was so selfish with you. I hope you find someone more cheerful and happy, Grimmjow.'' I say and retreat my fingers from his shoulders, pain eating away at my heart at the prospect of not meeting Grimmjow any longer. I at least hope Grimmjow wouldn't have any lingering feelings of guilt, and I don't have any right to bind Grimmjow in any way.

Before Grimmjow could turn around, I turn on my heel and run out of the cafeteria.

On the way home that day, I start to cry. The tears wouldn't stop and the people I pass by keep on looking at me.

A week passes and I haven't gone to the university. I had been throwing up everything I eat and I briefly wonder if it's food poisoning. I can't sleep well and I'm tired. Sousuke's words on that day keep on repeating in my mind and every solution I arrive at seems useless. I received a text from Grimmjow but I don't look at it and later my phone died. Who would try to contact me besides Sousuke and Grimmjow anyway? After not replying for a while, I was sure Grimmjow would back off so I didn't recharge my phone. Finally having had enough of this, I grab my jacket and head out to a nearby department store. I roam around trying to find something I can eat and digest when a familiar voice calls out to me, ''Ichigo.''

I freeze and turn my head to face my ex-boyfriend. His blue eyes are narrowed but they widen when I turn around. ''You look like shit'' he says, brows furrowed.

I wait for a few moments before nodding yes. I turn back to the selection of food and still, nothing appeals to me. My hands are trembling, more from weakness than anything and my stomach's growling. I gather juice and some instant soup packets in a basket and take it to the counter, Grimmjow following in my steps. He wants to talk to me, I notice. He will talk to me, I confirm. So I have to hurry, I decide.

My gaze is cast downwards as the cashier bills my things when I hear a sudden cry and I look up to meet a familiar face. ''Ichigo!'' Tatsuki roars. ''Long time no see! You look bad, are you okay?'' She asks, worry apparent in my childhood friend's voice. I look up at her and nod, trying to be reassuring.

''Ah, I moved back from Tokyo just this year. I should have contacted you but I forgot the way to the 'Kurosaki Clinic'' she says smiling.

''It's okay, '' I reply gathering my remaining strength into my voice. I'm aware of Grimmjow's tall presence behind me and although it shouldn't, it's strangely reassuring.

''You grew to be so tall! I still remember you being so small and such a cry baby! But you smiled every time you saw your mama. How is she by the way? How are your little twin sisters and Isshin-san? Yuzu and Karin must have grown up a lot right?'' She asks excitedly and I feel like I might faint.

I lean back and I can feel Grimmjow's chest right behind me. I look down, my knees threatening to give out when she asks me with concern, ''Ichigo?''

''They aren't here anymore,'' I answer in a small voice and she leans forward to catch my words. This time I try to be a bit louder, but not loud enough that I hear my own words. I didn't want to breakdown in a convenience store between my childhood best friend and the person I really really like. ''They all passed away seven months ago.'' I reply, holding my breath.

Silence engulfs the empty store and I continue, aware of Grimmjow's presence yet not wanting him to listen in on my story. ''We were in a car accident. I survived but they died.'' I told her, while wishing I was dead as well so I wouldn't have been torn between life and death. I look up to see Tatsuki's face and I want to laugh. I extend my hand and te back of my fingers graze her cheek gently, ''Don't make that face. I can't watch you cry, Tatsuki'' I say and she visibly stifles a sniff. I grab the plastic bag in her hand and try to smile but it won't come today as well. ''Strong girl, as always.'' I tell her and pat her head softly then I turn towards the exit and I leave for my empty house.

I'm walking along the side walk but I notice the foot steps behind me walking at a constant distance. When I halt, they halt. When I speed up, they speed up too. Finally having had enough, I turn back to face Grimmjow, ''I don't have the time for your guilt trip,'' I say, wishing that my voice was harsher, ''Go away,''

Grimmjow doesn't say anything and when I turn back. He follows me. I sigh and finally stop again at my house's entrance. I look at him but he's like a statue, frozen in place. ''What is it that you want to say?'' I ask him but he doesn't reply. I sniff my nose and realize it was getting cold. After a moment's contemplation, I ask him, ''Do you want to come in then?'' His eyes brighten up and he walks towards me, crossing the distance he had kept on the way from the convenience store.

I unlock the front door and enter into the house, leaving the door open for Grimmjow to come in. I'm in the kitchen when I hear the door shut and Grimmjow follows in, looking around his new environment. I wash my hands and start to boil some water, getting the instant soup packets from my shopping bags, ''Do you want some?'' I ask and I see Grimmjow nod. Of course, the ever dedicated sports student with a great appetite. I slump down on a chair at the dining table while I wait for the water to boil, feeling too weak and worn out just from the simple trip.

Grimmjow takes the seat opposite to mine and his eyes land on the small picture frame placed downwards at the center of the table. He glances up at me, as if asking for permission and I would laugh if I could because when did Grimmjow ever ask for permission? I nod and he lifts the picture frame, his eyes grazing over the faces of my once happy family.

I'm lost in my own thoughts when I hear Grimmjow say, ''So you can smile'' My eyes snap up at him but he isn't looking at me, he's looking at the picture frame in his hands. ''You look much more handsome when you smile.'' He states, this time looking straight at me and I nod. A thought occurs to me and just wanting to tease him, I bring both my index fingers to my lips and lift the corners of my mouth so that it looked remotely like a smile. Grimmjow's eyes widened at the action but it was hurting too much so I bring my handsback down. My gaze travels down as well, not wanting to face Grimmjow. I couldn't even smile anymore.

''Just like I said, handsome.'' I hear and I look up at his charming smirk.

''I'll punch you,'' I warn him. There he goes again, making me want to smile for real.

''You won't be able to,'' He laughs.

Shaking my head, I get up and cut the instant soup packet, dumping it in the hot water and start stirring. It smells delicious to my empty stomach. I grab two bowls from the cupboard, and noticing that it had been a while since I reached for two, I start to feel a bit happy. I pour the hot soup into the two bowls and give one of them to Grimmjow and sit down with mine.

It takes three sips before I put down the spoon and run for the bathroom. I'm on my knees in front of the toilet seat and my stomach clenches and unclenches painfully until I wish I throw up the organ itself. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and I hold my head right above my ears to avoid a much more severe headache. Time's going fuzzily and I don't know how much of it passes when there's a large hand on my shoulder and I look up to meet Grimmjow's sharp gaze.

''Let's clean you up,'' he says when he grabs my elbow and lifts me up, but my knees are weak and they buckle. I would have fallen if Grimmjow hadn't caught my waist and back with his arms. He brings me to the sink and runs the tap. I bend down, all the while Grimmjow holding my shoulders so I don't lose my balance. Filling my trembling hands with water, I splash it across my face multiple times. It doesn't feel much better, but I feel like the heat in my face has cooled down for a bit. I take some into my mouth before spitting it out after cleansing. I try to stand up on wobbly legs but they won't stop shaking and just then Grimmjow lifts me up in his arms.

''We are going to a hospital.'' He states and I shake my head no against his chest. ''Don't be stubborn,'' he chides, ''You are too sick.'' He says as he walks towards the kitchen while carrying me. Probably to get my coat.

''No.'' I say, my voice breaking and throat hurting, ''Just…just stay here, with me.'' I say. He looks at me with furrowed eyebrows, ''I'll stay with you in the hospital,'' he says, and I'm shaking my head again. ''If I don't get better in the morning, then we will go.'' I say in a small voice, my strength leaving me.

''You are too weak, Ichigo,'' He says and I sense worry in his voice. He sets me down on top of the kitchen table and grabs my coat but before he can make me wear it, I push against it.

''Glucose,'' I say, ''There's glucose. I don't throw up if I drink that.'' I tell him as reassuringly as possible but Grimmjow still doesn't seem convinced. ''Please, just for one night, Grimmjow. One night,'' I repeat. He sighs and puts down my coat. ''Where is it?'' he asks me and I point towards the refrigerator immediately realizing what he was asking for. Grimmjow heads towards it and opens the door. He looks at me with a deep frown on his face after checking it's contents, ''There's no food in here!'' He states and I grimace at the loud voice. ''Sorry,'' he says quickly and picks out the glucose packets. He mixes it with water and gives it to me. I close my eyes and stop breathing as I gulp it down. It takes a while for it to settle in and I look back up at him, my eyes lids drooping, but I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid Grimmjow will go away if I do. I'll wake up in the middle of the night anyway.

''Where's your room?'' Grimmjow asks me. I look upwards and then he turns around, his back facing me as he bends to my height. ''Get on, we will get you to bed.'' He says.

I do as he says and I almost fall asleep from the warmth emitting from Grimmjow's back but I force myself not to. We pass my sisters' room and finally stop at mine. Grimmjow opens the door with his foot and I turn on the light switch. He sets me down on the bed and looks around. ''Do you want to change into something more comfortable?'' He asks me and I deny because I don't have the strength to change and I don't want Grimmjow to see my body.

''Lie down,'' He tells me and I don't do it. ''What's wrong?'' he asks me and I ask him to sleep beside me. He complies and we lie down besides each other in my small bed. At least it seems to fit to Grimmjow's height. My lids get droopy but I deny myself sleep. Grimmjow seems to notice this because he asks me why I don't sleep.

''I'm afraid you will go if I fall asleep,'' I tell him honestly and he puts an arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him, my head fitting into the curve of his neck. ''I won't'' he states simply and I tear up.

''Why?'' I ask, unable to stop myself and just enjoy the moment. ''Is it because of guilt? Because you think you hurt me right after my family died? Is that why you are staying?'' I ask him, my voice wavering.

''No,'' I hear him say. ''I feel bad that you lost your family, so much that my heart is hurting. But I don't feel guilty because I didn't know about your family. You never mentioned it and hearing it now won't change whatever I have done, so I'm not here over that kind of guilt.''

''Then is it because you feel like you betrayed me?'' I hear myself asking.

''I don't feel like I betrayed you.'' He says, ''Because I never intended to. You decided all that shit by yourself, Ichigo.''

My brows furrow, ''What do you mean by that?'' I ask him as I look up, trying to read his expression. ''It started off as a bet, but I do like you, Ichigo. I never intended to break it off after we slept together.'' My eyes widen. ''But you decided all that by yourself and broke it off with me without even hearing my explanation. I tried to contact you all week. You have no friends either so I didn't know where you lived. Today, I saw you and followed you into the store. You need to learn to listen to people. At least to me.'' I clutch his shirt tightly as tears fall like a stream from my eyes.

''I feel so damaged.'' I hear myself say through the sobs. ''My heart is so broken. I'm so lonely Grimmjow.'' I cry harder, ''I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my Yuzu and my Karin.'' Grimmjow's rubbing soothing circles on the expanse of my back, ''I miss smiling. I don't know how to do it anymore.'' I sob, ''I don't know what I'm living for. Who would care for me if I died one day?''

I hug Grimmjow even more tightly, my whole body was trembling with my wailing ''I was losing hope, I want to live so bad but I'm so lonely,'' I feel Grimmjow's grip on me tighten, he's so warm, ''I can't eat and I can't sleep. My uncle said I can't live in this house anymore and that he was going to sell it. This house is the only thing I've left of them! What should I do? And- and I thought I lost you and everything was black again. It was even harder, it's so hard, Grimmjow'' I sob.

''But, but you give me hope. You give me so much hope. You're so full of life and- and you aren't weak like me, you are so strong and you gave me some of your strength and I felt like I could smile again. I-I don't want to lose you, Grimmjow. I won't be a burden to you, so can you- can you please accept me?'' Grimmjow's large hand cups my face and his thumb comes to wipe away my tears.

''You are handsome and intelligent and funny and I want to be with you. Even if you are a burden, I'll carry you so that you will never feel like you are. You are important to me, Ichigo. I won't leave you, so stop crying okay? My chest hurts watching you like this. You are a strong guy, I know you can do anything if you put your mind to it. I trust in your strength, Ichigo.'' He pulls me towards his chest and holds me tightly, ''Now, go to sleep and get some rest. We need you healthy again.''

I nod and I feel like my chest has become lighter after a long time. I can hear Grimmjow's heart beat at our proximity and the warmth emitting through Grimmjow's body lulls me into sleep.

The next time I open my eyes, it's already morning.