A Whacked-up Fantasy
by Rumors
The quiet drip, drip, drip of the water in the dark cave was eerie and the darkness overwhelming. Human Ranger decided that he'd had enough of it. "Hey Clerics, how about some light?"
Cleric One sighed and cast Light, and he was greeted be an interesting scene. Cleric Two was right beside him; the wizards were in the back, not noticing Thief picking their pockets, and the warriors were up at the front weapons already out. Sometimes the ability for them to do that and not get tired was strange, but then so was the entire party for that matter.
"Thanks," said Ranger and continued off in the same direction. After quite a ways they came to a branch in the cave. "Thief, get up here."
The Halfling approached with caution, "Yes?"
"Use your Detect Noise ability and point us in the right direction."
"Okay, what am I listening for?"
"A dragon, heavy breathing, burning, I don't know, dragon noises."
After a few moments he pointed confidently down the left branch and Human Paladin strode forward. The rest followed, and more than a few members commented about the Paladin always going first, but then religious warriors were always like that.
"I hope we don't come up against any random encounters," Elven Wizard remarked.
"I completely understand, our Hp's aren't that great, and unlike the warriors," he sneered and that, "we can't continually use a spell, like they can their weapons." Human Wizard lamented this, he'd always wanted to be a fighter, but the DM had said no.
They continued on in silence for a while, then Thief halted, "Shhhhhhh….. I think we're close, I'll combine my Hide in Shadows with my Move Silently abilities to find out how close we are to the dragon." Before he left, he was puffed up with his own self-importance.
"I hope the little bugger trips and gets eaten," growled Dwarven Fighter.
Gnome Fighter smacked him, "What a terrible thing to say, that annoying little twit could steal you blind, then use his Backstab modifier to bring you down to half Hp. You could fail your system shock check!" She shook her head and walked over to the cave entrance to wait for Thief.
She didn't have to wait long. "I'm back, and I think we should just leave this one alone." He eyed the entrance nervously.
"What is it Halfling? No treasure?" asked Cleric Two sarcastically.
"Oh, there's lots of treasure, quadruple amount actually, but there's also a dragon that's also quadruple the normal size." The last came out in rush, "I'm not so sure that it's a good idea trying to fight that…. thing.
"Hey," Ranger started, "you're in the middle of a crowd of trained warriors, wizards and clerics, what could go wrong?"
"Lots," smirked Dwarven Fighter. "But let's do it anyway." He headed down the tunnel, is axe swung over his shoulder, whistling a drinking song.
The rest followed. Thief was dragged along by Gnome Fighter. Then dropped when she saw all the treasure, the gold, silver, and even platinum, gems and undoubtedly magical items were in that pile!
But then she, like the rest of the party, unfortunately looked up. On top of that great loot, was a dragon, a black dragon, the kind that spit acid. Leaving was looking really good right then.
Except to one pompous ass that just wouldn't let anything go.
"Foul beast!" Human Paladin yelled, waking the dragon. "Thou shalt face our might and perish! Prepare to taste the cold steel of my Holy Sword +3! Charge!" And, of course, the idiot ran forward looking glorious (and a little silly) in his full plate and with his kite shield on one arm and his sword in his other hand.
The other warriors followed, the Dwarf started to get out both his axes and Gnome got her crossbow ready. The Ranger readied his sword. The wizards readied spells and the clerics started to pray. The Thief circled around for a to get out of hitting range.
Paladin scored all his hits and really pissed off the dragon. No one moved. "Hey, some one help him," Cleric Two shouted.
"I don't think anyone's initiative roll is good enough," Cleric One said.
"Even with my -3 bonus, I still can't believe it! The stupid dragon must have a one," grumbled the Thief.
"Well look on the bright side, Paladin softened the creature up for us," commented Human Wizard.
"And maybe the stupid bastard will also soak up some damage like he deserves." The Elven Wizard chuckled at the thought.
The dragon, smirked maliciously, and used his acid breath attack, focusing on Paladin. But, being of below average intelligence for a dragon, it didn't realize that the lucky bastard's armor protected him from dragon breath attacks. Conveniently enough he's from the Dragon Killers order of his religion, at least, that's how the DM tells it.
Anyway, the rest went. The Dwarf, along with the Ranger, was carving little pieces out of the dragon's legs. Thief, much to his delight, criticaled and did additional and did more than his share of damage. Gnome was very accurate and got the thing in the eyes, giving it a +2 penalty to its initiative.
The Clerics invoked their respective gods and unleashed columns of fire then ice on the dragon. The Wizards had quite a bit more fun. Human Wizard sent lightning to its soft underbelly, and Elven Wizard set off a fireball right underneath the dragon. The monster was engulfed in flames, but still lived.
Ranger was having enough of this, they'd seriously wounded it, but it wouldn't die! It was time for the big swords. Quickly, so as not to lose his turn, he drew the Two-Handed Sword of Massive Ass Kicking. He ran up and using his Bracers of Speed, he got twice as many hits as normal, and he criticaled, doing additional, twice. He swung so many times so fast it was unbelievable, and in good order the dragon fell over dead. "God, I love strength bonuses," was all he said before he joined in the looting of the cave.
Suddenly, they were back at Some Random Inn. They were very rich, and some how could carry it all around with them. They had also leveled up. The magic users were trying out their new spells with much enjoyment. Thief was stealing with more probability, and the warriors were trying out their new weapons with surprising skill.
All in all, it was a good pointless adventure.