I do not own Castle or any of the characters in this story. All rights go to ABC. :)
December 2010
I hesitantly pressed the up arrow button on the elevator. The doors opened with a "bing" and I took a deep breath before stepping inside. Was I really doing this? I nervously tapped my foot while I waited to get to the fourth floor. It has been about a month since Castle and I have spoken. We had a stupid fight at the precinct and he said he needed a break from everything. What does that even mean? Castle and I aren't anything, we're just partners.
As the doors opened at the fourth floor, I walked down the hallway to Castle's loft. I've been standing here for only about 30 seconds with my hand in a fist, ready to knock on the door. I let out a sigh and finally knocked lightly. I heard someone walk towards the door.
"Oh, Katherine! How are you darling?" Martha exclaimed as she opened the door. "Richard is out right now, I'm not quite sure where he went. But you are welcome to come in."
"Thanks Martha, I actually have some paperwork to do at home, but let Castle know that I stopped by."
"Will do!" Martha replied with a smile.
I waved to her and guided myself out of the loft. Part of me longed to stay in Castle's loft to wait for him to come home. I shook my head, walked to the elevator and decided that maybe I could get some coffee before I got home. I'll probably be up late tonight, anyways.
As I walked down the busy street, I began to think of how much I missed Castle. It's been strange not having him cracking jokes or creating stupid theories that turn out not being stupid because they end up solving really difficult cases. I'm trying so hard to keep in everything I feel about him. Every feeling I get for him I deny, but deep down I know that he is slowly gaining a place in my heart. I know he could possibly feel the same way about me, but how could he fall in love with me? Things with my mom's case haven't been going great, and I feel like we're almost going backwards at this point with the investigation. That's why we got in a fight back at the precinct, I snapped at him. I just have too much baggage right now.
I stopped at the coffee shop that Castle usually gets our coffee from, hoping to see him.
"Mother, I think I may be having a mid life crisis." Castle piled all of the groceries he just bought onto the counter.
"Richard, honey, just relax. What is the problem?" Martha raised her eyebrows in concern.
"I think Beckett hates me."
"She sure doesn't, she stopped by about an hour ago looking for you. You might want to call her." She shrugged.
Castle tapped his foot in nervousness, deciding what to do. He just doesn't know where he stands with Beckett.
"I think I am going to go write. I don't want to call her just yet." Castle said walking to his office.
Who could he talk to about this besides his mother who has been drinking way too much wine tonight? He can't even talk to Esposito or Ryan, they can't find out about this. Castle thinks of talking to Alexis about his situation with Kate but she doesn't know, either. To be frank, Castle doesn't even know how he feels about Kate. What Castle does know, though, is that writing would clear his head.
Before sitting down in his chair, he decides to put on some music. He put his iPhone on shuffle play, not knowing what to expect. "Home" by Michael Bublè comes on and he smiles to himself.
Castle finally sits down, opens up his laptop and opens a new, blank document up. He decided that he would just start writing. It's something that he had never done before, but it could shed some light onto what and how he feels about Beckett.
He stops in his tracks when he hears the third verse of the song: "I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you, each one a line or two. 'I'm fine, baby, how are you?' I would send them but I know that it's just not enough, my words were cold and flat, and you deserve more than that." After hearing these words and feeling the emptiness in his heart, he knew what he had to do. If he wasn't going to tell Kate how he felt about her just yet, he could write it to her, but he would just save it to his computer and never let Kate see it.
Castle starts typing his first letter to Kate:
December 30, 2010
Dear Beckett,
I know this seems cliché and corny, but just trust me on this one, okay? It's been a month, Kate. I'm sorry for making you angry with me and I'm sorry for not putting in an effort to try to fix this thing between us. I think we are both on the same boat here, at least I hope so. You and I needed a break, a break to figure out what we are and where we stand. What the hell are we? Are we more than just partners? I need you, Beckett. I will never stop standing by your side. Ever since we met a year and a half ago, you, your strength and your determination have intrigued me. Every day I come into the precinct to see you, not to do research for some new book that I have to meet a deadline for. I would do anything for you, Kate, and I don't know if you have realized that yet. That cup of coffee I bring you every single day is my way of telling you that I love you, but you would never know that.
Love,
Castle
Castle stops typing and sighs at himself. He saves the document in the folder he has on his computer that is labeled "KB". That letter is probably the sappiest, corniest thing he has ever written, but it is also the truest. He glances up at the clock and it's just about 9 PM. Maybe it's not too late, he thought. Castle quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Beckett's number and looked at it, contemplating if he should do this.