I don't own Naruto.
"Man, this bites."
Naruto grumbled as he hoisted the diaper bag onto his shoulder.
"It figures that Kurenai-sensei needed babysitters when Squads 8 and 10 are out on missions," he continued. "Someone up there hates me."
"Aw, hush, Naruto," Sakura chided as she disengaged her hair from the child's grasp. "You know Asuma-chan loves you. Besides, Tsunade-shishou said that this counts towards Sasuke's community service requirement."
"That's not the point," a third voice grouched. Sasuke was scowling. "The kid is evil."
"He is not."
"You kunoichi are in denial."
"He's a baby! He's only two!"
"He almost caused a thermonuclear explosion."
"Because someone forgot to lock up their exploding tags!"
"He ripped the damn cabinet door off its hinges to get to them, Sakura."
"Liar!"
Sai sighed.
"Hey, Dickless, Hag, Emo-bastard, can you three stop arguing so we can leave?"
Sai could have sworn their necks creaked like the hinges of an old door as they slowly turned their heads to give him glares that made his clothes start to smolder. Nevertheless, they filed out.
"For the love of all that is holy, make it stop!"
Naruto and Sasuke covered their ears, closed their eyes and curled into the fetal position, rocking
back and forth.
On Naruto's TV, Asuma-chan watched "Teletubbies", blissfully unaware of the two bordering on psychotic breakdown.
Sakura sighed.
"You two need some serious help."
"They aren't the ones letting the kid watch that," Sai replied, looking up from his copy of "Friendship for Complete Idiots" and indicating the TV.
Sakura turned to see one of the Teletubbies hug another from behind in a way that screamed 'I am gay and humping my friend.'
Seconds later, Asuma-chan was blinking at the crazy, spastically twitching lady with her fist through the TV.
"Time to do something else, Asuma-chan," she cooed.
"I think you scarred the kid for life, hag," Sai piped up.
"He ain't the only one," Naruto muttered, still twitching.
"Can you think of anything?"
Sakura shook her head.
"No. He doesn't need to be changed. He's not hungry, or tired, or anything. He just won't stop crying!" The pink-haired kunoichi buried her face in her hands and started to sob.
"Sakura-chan, get a grip! We don't need you falling to pieces," Naruto soothed, rubbing her back. "I've got an idea."
He made some hand seals.
"Dai Kuchiyose no jutsu!" he cried, slapping his hand on the floor.
With a puff of smoke, a familiar chakra filled the room.
"Okay, fuzzy. I'm letting you have time outside for good behavior," Naruto stated.
"At last!" Kyuubi crowed.
The smoke faded. Sasuke, Sai, and Sakura tried to stifle their laughter.
Kyuubi stood on the ground, no bigger than a house cat.
"Wha…? What the hell?" Kyuubi cried in indignation.
"Language, Kyuubi-chan," Naruto admonished, stressing the suffix and waggling a finger. A smarmy smirk was plastered on his face. "There's a lady and a baby present."
"Aw, he's so cuuuuuute!" Sakura gushed.
Kyuubi sniffed.
"I am not cute," he grumbled sulkily. "Wait…did you say 'baby'?"
Asuma-chan stopped crying when he saw the kawaii Kyuubi. His eyes lit up and he crawled over.
"Doggy!" he crowed happily. "Doggy!"
Naruto gave Kyuubi a smile that sent a shudder down the fox's spine.
"Asuma-chan want to play with the cute foxy-chan?" he asked in a singsong voice.
"No! Please, kit, anything but that!" Kyuubi begged. Kyuubi tried to run, only to be held off the ground by Naruto, who had the fox by the scruff of the neck. Sasuke snorted in laughter at the sight of Kyuubi's little legs churning the air furiously. "Don't give me to that monster! I BEG OF YOU! Show some mercy!"
"Karma, old friend. You didn't show the village any mercy, so why should I show you any?"
"You know damn well that Tobi-Madara-whoever-the-hell-he-is bastard had me under mind control!"
Asuma-chan grabbed Kyuubi in a crushing embrace.
"I love you and pet you and name you George," he said.
Kyuubi shot Naruto a pitiful look and mouthed 'help me'. The four shinobi shook their heads and mouthed 'no'.
Naruto groaned as Asuma-chan's crying roused him from the light doze he'd slipped into.
"I got it," he mumbled.
Sakura gave him a grateful look before going back to sleep.
Naruto picked Asuma-chan up and walked with him, calming him down. He cursed Sasuke and Sai for "running errands" and never returning.
He sat down with Asuma-chan as he searched his brain for a way to make the baby fall back asleep.
'I got it!'
He looked at Asuma-chan.
"A…friend of mine…used to sing this to me at nights when I cried," he told the little boy, before beginning the song.
Puff,
the magic dragon lived by the sea Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea Together they would travel on a
boat with billowed sail Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea A dragon lives forever but not so
little boys His head
was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain, Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
and frolicked in the autumn mist
in a land called honah lee,
Little Jackie paper loved that
rascal, Puff,
and brought him strings and sealing wax and other
fancy stuff. Oh!
and
frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff,
the magic dragon lived by the sea
and frolicked in the autumn mist
in a land called honah lee.
Jackie kept a lookout perched on Puff's
gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whene'er they
came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when Puff roared out his
name. Oh!
and
frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff,
the magic dragon lived by the sea
and frolicked in the autumn mist
in a land called honah lee.
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other
toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie paper came no more
And
Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.
Puff no longer
went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend,
Puff could not be brave,
so Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped
into his cave. Oh!
and
frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff,
the magic dragon lived by the sea
and frolicked in the autumn mist
in a land called honah lee.
He noticed Asuma-chan was sleeping and looked up when he heard someone clear their voice softly. Sakura stood in the doorway.
"I didn't know you could sing, Naruto."
"You never asked," he replied softly.
"Was the 'friend' who sang to you Kyuubi?" she asked, having a hard time picturing the feared Nine-Tailed Fox demon doing anything paternal.
"You better damn well believe it," the King of Bijuu grumbled from his hiding place under the couch. "The brat kept me up with his crying."
Naruto handed Asuma-chan off to Sakura and picked Kyuubi up.
"Who needs some lovin'?" he crooned, beginning to scratch Kyuubi's ears.
"Don't think I've forgiven you for turning me over to the hellion, brat. Oh…right there…that's it, kit… Oh, that feels so good…"
"Who's a good boy? Who's a nice Kyuubi? Yes you are, yes you are!"
Kyuubi purred in contentment.
Sasuke and Sai chose that moment to return.
"Damn, I cannot believe every frickin' store in Konoha was out of formula," Sasuke grumbled. He noticed Kyuubi purring and snuggling into Naruto and blinked.
"You don't see that every day."
"You missed Naruto singing Asuma-chan to sleep," Sakura told them.
"Naruto sings?"
The four (plus Kyuubi) turned to see Kurenai standing in the open doorway.
"He sings. The dobe." Sasuke added.
"Oh for…" Naruto groaned. "Is it that hard to believe?"
The trio nodded.
"Mommy?" Asuma-chan mumbled, stirring.
"Hey baby, it's time to go home," Kurenai crooned.
"Ohtay. Bai-bai, kyu-chan!"
Kyuubi turned tail and ran.
Kurenai blinked.
"Was that…the Kyuubi?"
"Yes."
"Dare I ask?"
"No."
"Ah."
She left, carrying the still-half-asleep toddler with her.
"Wait…Dickless sings?"
"Go home, Sai," the other three chorused.