professor-riddikulus and I realised that Sirius Black and Gilderoy Lockhart would have been at school at the same time. We decided this fic needed to exist.

Believe it or not, most of Gilderoy's nonsense in this fic is canon (timeline, though, probably not, but let's count my fucks). Well, Pottermore canon. That counts as canon, right? Whatever.

Enjoy the crack, friends.

It started one Wednesday late in February.

"Who the fuck is that kid?"

Lily looked up from the paper, over towards the other side of the Great Hall where Sirius was pointing. She turned back to the article she'd been reading, "That's the Lockhart kid. The one who sent himself all those valentines last year, remember?"

Sirius knocked Lily's paper down ("Oi! Berk!"), pointed again, "Why the fuck is he talking to Remus?!"

Lily looked again, and, sure enough, Remus was standing at the Ravenclaw table, hands in his pockets, a bright flush high on his cheeks, while the sleek, blonde Gilderoy chattered his ear off. Gilderoy was laughing at something Remus had said, and had stepped closer, briefly rested his hand on Remus' elbow. Lily snatched her paper back off the table, shot Sirius a look daring him to touch it again, "James and I paired Remus with Aubrey for rounds this week, so he probably just - "

"I don't give a fuck about Aubrey, Red, I care about that blonde arsehole thinking he can chat up Remus in the middle of the Great Hall in front of me."

Lily rolled her eyes, took a swig of her tea, "Why don't you go show him who's boss?"

She'd deadpanned it, but Sirius, already looking for a reason, took her at her word, pushed himself to his feet, and strode across the Great Hall. James sat down just as Sirius had gotten to his feet, dropped an arm around Lily's shoulder, "Oi, Pads!"

Lily sighed, pressed a quick kiss to the underside of James' jaw, before she turned back to her paper and took a bite of toast, "Don't bother, he's defending Remus' honour or something."

They watched Sirius walk past the Hufflepuff table, start heading up the aisle towards where Remus was standing. James poured himself a cuppa, "What is he planning on doing?"

Lily shook her head, "I don't know and I don't care."

James laughed, pressed a kiss to the side of her head, "I'm so glad we're stable, Evans. No drama."

Lily snorted into her tea and James plucked the toast from her hand, took a bite, sent her a wink. She elbowed him in the ribs.

Sirius' walk morphed into a smooth strut about halfway up the Ravenclaw table, and his arm slid easily around Remus' waist when he reached him. Remus stiffened for just a moment out of surprise, before he relaxed into Sirius' familiar hold, wrapped his arm around Sirius' shoulders. Sirius leaned up and pressed a kiss to Remus' cheek before he turned to Gilderoy, raised a single, perfectly arched eyebrow, "What are you two talking about over here?"

Sirius' aristocratic tendencies were never more pronounced than they were when he was angry - he was cold, superior, disdainful, and had absolutely no qualms about pulling rank, about reminding you that he was, and forever would be, better than you. Most people who drew out this side of Sirius tended to quail under his cold expression, his solid, unforgiving stare, but Gilderoy Lockhart, the bright, blonde little third year just straightened his spine, and smiled warmly at Remus before turning an equally cold eye towards Sirius, "Not sure it's any of your business, uh…"

He trailed off, waited for Sirius to fill in his name, and Sirius' blood absolutely fucking boiled with rage. Remus pressed his fingers into Sirius' shoulders, took a deep breath, and Sirius knew he was miming it, trying to get Sirius to copy him without actually having to say the words, but Sirius was not in the mood to be calm, thank you, not when this know-nothing berk was trying to act like he didn't know who Sirius was.

Sirius just laughed derisively, "Memory charm backfire or something, kid? Go see if Flitwick can patch you up." Sirius pressed his hand into Remus' hip, turned them, and led them back over towards the Gryffindor table. Sirius pressed a kiss to the side of Remus' neck as they rounded the Ravenclaw table for good measure.

They'd hoped that it had just been a one-off, a mistake that Gilderoy Lockhart made that he would never, ever make again for fear of drawing the full wrath of Sirius Black. Unfortunately, Lockhart seemed to want nothing more than to irritate Sirius.

The next morning, and they had to hand it to him, Lockhart didn't waste any time, Gilderoy slid in beside Remus at the Gryffindor table. Remus and Lily were sharing sections of the Prophet, and Sirius, sitting on Remus' other side, didn't see him at first, but when he heard Gilderoy's "What're you reading, Remus?" his entire body went stiff.

Sirius leaned around the Remus, "I think you're at the wrong fucking table, mate."

Gilderoy just laughed, loudly, but his eyes never once left Remus as he pushed himself to his feet, "Well, Remus, I just wanted to stop by and say good morning. You look great today, by the way." And then he winked, winked, and strolled back to the Ravenclaw table.

Sirius was irate, "How dare that kid! He's a third year! Why does he think for one second that he can try to beat me -"

Remus snorted, "'Beat you'? What are you even talking about?"

Lily laughed, "Sirius, I highly doubt it has anything to do with you."

Sirius threw his hands up in the air, nearly knocked over the flagon of pumpkin juice in front of him, "Of course it has to do with me!"

Peter grabbed the pumpkin juice, moved it to the other side of the table, rolled his eyes at Lily before turning back to Sirius, "You only think it has to do with you because you think everything has to do with you."

James grinned at Sirius, "I'm pretty sure it's Moony he's after here, mate. He wants nothing to do with you." James waggled his eyebrows and Remus cringed.

Sirius shot James a withering glare, but James just grinned back, took a sip of his tea. Sirius turned back to Peter, "It does, Wormy, come on. Have you seen me," Sirius flicked his hair over his shoulder, "I'm the centre of this damn place."

Lily gagged, and Sirius grinned, "Jealous, Red? I don't blame you." He winked at her and Peter hit him with a bit of toast. Lily smiled at him, "Thanks, Peter. Though, porridge might have been better."

Peter laughed, "Next time."

Sirius banged his fist on the table, "He just wants to fucking challenge me, thinks he is going to replace me as Hogwarts' fittest?!"

Lily choked on her tea and James patted her on the back, while he tried to keep himself from doubling over with laughter. Sirius frowned at him, "Why are you so intent on hurting me today, Prongs?"

James laughed, "You're just so fucking easy, Pads."

Remus sighed, dropped an arm over Sirius' shoulders, kissed his temple, "You know that this is what he wants, right?"

Sirius sighed, "You're right, Prongs does love to torture me."

James hit him with a piece of toast off of Lily's plate (Lily smacked him in the chest, James pulled her into his arms and squeezed, Peter and Sirius gagged). Remus shook his head, "No, Lockhart. He wants a reaction. He sent himself a fucking thousand valentines or something last year - "

"I know," Sirius said, "Lily said yesterday."

"Alright then," Remus said, pulling Sirius closer into his side, "so give it up already. You know he just wants the attention, and the easiest way to do that is by goading 'Hogwarts' Fittest'," he put air quotes around it and Sirius laughed, "Don't put air quotes around it like it isn't true Moony," but Remus just kept talking over him, "into some kind of fucking war."

"Well what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Just ignore him. That will drive him completely mad and eventually he'll stop."

Sirius was quiet for a moment before he turned, kissed Remus, "Yeah, I'm not going to do that."

It seemed though, at first, like Sirius was taking Remus' advice. At least, he was taking his advice as much as Sirius ever took Remus' advice - he sort of half listened and did what he wanted anyway, but he usually added a bit of flair that he could point to and say, "That, Remus, was inspired by your advice!"

This particular bit of advice convinced Sirius that messing with Lockhart was perfectly alright as long as he wasn't the one to do it. James had refused to get involved, said he had "more important things to be doing" (while Lily nodded fervently and Sirius pretended to throw up on them), Peter said it didn't make sense to do something with one of them, because anything the Marauders did would inevitably be traced back to Sirius, and would defeat the whole bloody purpose. So Sirius settled on Peeves, a usually unattainable ally that, fortunately for Sirius, enjoyed Sirius' complete lack of regard for the rules and always appreciated an obnoxiously large gift of ink pellets.

When Peeves swooped down the next morning at breakfast and dropped a giant ink pellet on Lockhart's head, Sirius tried his best to keep from giving up the game (especially when Lockhart started screaming about his hair). His fingers were biting into Remus' thigh under the table as he attempted to control the explosive laughter threatening to burst out of him, but when Lockhart stormed over to their table, ink streaming down his face, Sirius choked on his eggs.

"I know this was you, Black," Lockhart said. He reached up, wiped his brow, and flicked a bit of ink off his fingers and onto Sirius' face. Sirius went to stand, but Remus' hand shot off the table and pressed Sirius' leg back into the bench.

Sirius shot Remus a deadly glare, grabbed his napkin off his lap, dabbed at the ink over his eye, "So," his voice was hard and cold, "you do know my name, little third year."

Lockhart snorted, "Just prepare yourself, Black. I'm not taking this lying down."

Sirius snorted, "Yeah, I'm so afraid."

Lockhart straightened up, lifted his chin in a way that was disturbingly similar to the way that Sirius did, "You bloody well should be."

Lockhart did managed to shoot a few jets of water at Sirius in the corridor between classes that afternoon, (Sirius had just laughed, waved his wand, and fixed his hair, all while shouting that something as amateurish as Aguamenti wasn't going to take him down), but it seemed (after the fact) like he'd just been biding his time.

Sirius was largely spared over the weekend (waking up at fucking gone noon and then pulling Remus into bed as long as he would allow it wasn't exactly conducive to whatever bizarre duelling Sirius and Lockhart were in the middle of), but come Monday morning, all hell absolutely broke loose.

Sirius had just sat down for breakfast, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes and grumbling about the ungodly hour that Remus had dragged him out of bed, when it happened. A giant head, a fucking head, shot up into the air over the Gryffindor table - Lockhart's head. Sirius nearly spilled tea down himself in shock, James choked on a bit of muffin (mostly from laughing), and Peter, Remus, and Lily all dutifully turned back to the paper they were sharing, tried their best to ignore the combustion waiting to happen beside them.

"Hey, Black," Lockhart was shouting to him from across the Great Hall, and it took everything that Sirius had not to turn around and look at him (or dangle the bastard up by his ankle, hook him up onto the ceiling, and just leave him there), "thought you might like to be reminded what a truly handsome man looks like!"

Sirius drew his wand slowly, calmly (too calmly) out of his robes, waved it at the flagon of pumpkin juice just down the table from them, and sent it across the Great Hall, where it promptly poured itself on Lockhart's head.

Sirius would later deny standing up and throwing a muffin at Lockhart, thereby starting a truly massive (and incredibly messy) food fight, but he'd really only denied it so that he could wink at McGonagall, and assure her that, "He would never do anything that would upset his Minnie."

He did, of course, receive detention, but everyone had, for the moment, forgotten about Lockhart's exhibition, and so Sirius counted it as a win. "It's really a double win if you think about it," Sirius said, as he flopped down on the couch in the common room later that afternoon during free period, "because I got to get back at him without anyone actually realising that I was getting back at him. They thought it was just another prank!"

"Yeah," James said, rolling his eyes at Peter, "Okay, Pads."

Sirius threw a pillow at James' head (James caught it, threw it back), "Why do I always have free periods with you gits, again?"

"Because Remus and Lily are a lot smarter than us," Peter said. Sirius scoffed, "We're obviously smarter. They decided to take Ancient Runes, for fucks sake."

Sirius took a less subtle approach the next day, one that set Lily fuming at him when Sirius finally arrived for breakfast. She started on him the moment he sat down, "All over Ravenclaw tower?! You really had to put posters of your fucking face all over the fucking tower?"

Sirius poured himself a cuppa, smirked at her over the rim of his mug, "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Red."

Lily pulled a bit of walnut off the top of her muffin and hit him with it, "You most certainly do, you fucking prat, and you have to go up first thing after breakfast and take care of it. Flitwick had to wake me and James up at the crack of dawn this morning to tell us about it."

James yawned from Lily's side, proving her point, "To be fair," he said, nuzzling his cheek against the side of her head, "we were already up."

Lily smacked his chest, "Shut up, James, that isn't the point." James just chuckled into her hair, yawned again, and picked up his mug to take a long drag of tea.

"Ah," Sirius grabbed a muffin off the plate to Lily's right, "so you were interrupted." He waggled his eyebrows and Lily narrowed her eyes, "Yes we bloody well were, and don't think I won't pay you and Moony back sometime if you're going to - "

"Alright, alright," Sirius held his hand up, "truce, Red."

Lily sighed, "You're just lucky that you didn't use a permanent sticking charm on them," she said, taking another bite of her muffin, "I was this close," she held her fingers up barely a millimetre apart, "to coming into your dorm and hexing the everloving fuck out of you."

"So you were this close," Sirius held his fingers up in an imitation of hers, and the smirk on his face was absolutely wicked, "to coming more than once this morning?"

James snorted, "Please, Pads, I know how to - "

Lily smacked them both.

Sirius took his sweet time heading back up to Ravenclaw tower that morning, and he met Lockhart in the corridor while he was strolling (in the complete opposite direction) towards the Ravenclaw common room.

"Like the artwork I installed, kid," Sirius asked, laughing. Lockhart just rolled his eyes, "Worst part of my morning, waking up and seeing your mug all over the damn place in our common room." Sirius snorted, flicked his wand, and Lockhart's head tripled in size (he nearly toppled over at the added weight).

Lockhart decided to double-down on the giant head slights, and spent the rest of the afternoon projecting his face behind Sirius (and Remus) whenever he met one of them in the corridor. He'd even, much to Sirius' chagrin, managed to make it talk, and so Lockhart's head followed Remus through the corridor from lunch to Defense Against the Dark Arts shouting about his gorgeous flaxen hair, followed Sirius up to the Gryffindor common room for his free period laughing at him about how hideous his hair looked from the back, followed the pair of them to Charms, Arithmancy, Transfiguration, until McGonagall had finally tired of seeing the thing floating outside the window of her classroom and put an end to it.

It finally came to a head on Wednesday evening when James and Sirius went off to quidditch practice. They'd left Remus, Lily, and Peter in the Head's Dorms, working on their Potions' essay (ignoring Remus and Lily's promises that James and Sirius would not under any circumstances be copying their essays later), and trooped down to the quidditch pitch, giggling and smacking each other on the shoulder as they went (Peter had shaken his head at Remus and Lily, "You two fell in love with children.").

They were back, though, surprisingly early - James stormed through the portrait hole of the Head's Dorms just gone seven, and Sirius tumbled in not far behind him. And they were seething. James started pacing angry circles around the common room as soon as he arrived, muttering mutinously under his breath, Sirius threw himself into a chair by the fire, opposite Peter, his fingers drumming angrily on the arm. Remus looked at Lily, his feet on her lap, her book resting on his shins, "Do we want to know?"

She sighed, "I guess."

She closed her book, Remus picked his feet up off her lap, and Lily stood, walked over to James. She grabbed his hands to stop him walking, and he huffed, but he stopped, let her still him.

She squeezed his hands, "What's wrong?"

"Gilderoy fucking Lockhart," Sirius shouted from the chair, jumping to his feet before James had even opened his mouth, "that's what's fucking wrong, Red!"

Lily looked at James, raised an eyebrow, and James swore furiously, "He…. Evans, he carved his fucking name in my pitch. My pitch!"

Lily rolled her eyes, "I hardly think it's your pitch, James - "

"Regardless," James said, throwing his hands up in the air, resuming his pacing, "he had the fucking audacity - "

"Nice word," Remus said, laughing, and James shot him a look, "The audacity to carve his bloody name in my bloody pitch. I gave him a week's worth of detention, but it just doesn't feel like enough."

Sirius scoffed, "You should have given him detention for the rest of eternity, Prongs!"

Lily rolled her eyes, "There are rules, Sirius - "

"We don't have time for rules, Red! This is fucking war! Are you with us or against us?!"

Sirius glared at each of them in turn, Peter just shrugged and nodded, Remus just laughed (Sirius pointed at him, "I'll get you yet, Lupin, just wait"), and Lily turned to James, raised her eyebrows, "Can you - "

James shook his head, "No, sorry, Evans. This is fucking war."

Lily sighed, moved to sit back down on the couch next to Remus, while James and Sirius grabbed Peter and pulled him onto the floor near the fire - they put their heads together, and began whispering angrily. Remus draped an arm over her shoulder, "I think we're screwed, Lils."

"And not in a good way, Moony."

Remus snorted, "Speak for yourself, I think I could use his frustration to my benefit, later."

Lily smacked him in the chest. Remus just laughed (bastard).

By Thursday morning, most of the school had heard about Lockhart's adventures on the quidditch pitch, and the ensuing rage that had caused the Head Boy to give him a week's worth of detention (and, when Lockhart told it, sent James and Sirius into a hex-casting fury that Lockhart managed to successfully defeat with his immense beauty and skill). When Sirius strolled into the Great Hall, though, at his normal time (fifteen minutes before the start of classes) and looking like his normal self (annoyingly handsome and utterly disinterested in anything other than Remus), people started whispering.

Sirius served himself a large glass of pumpkin juice, slung his arm around Remus, and attempted to steal Lily's toast (she smacked his hand, clicked her tongue at him, and told him to fuck off). The whispering intensified.

After about five minutes, the doors to the Great Hall swung open again, and the whispering turned, immediately, into laughter.

Every single inch of Lockhart's school uniform was covered in declarations about Sirius Black in glowing, neon writing ("Sirius Black is so fit!" "I want to be Sirius Black when I grow up!" "If only I were as cool as Sirius!" "Sirius, please share your hair secrets!"), there was a sort of haze around him that, as he began walking angrily up the aisle between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables, people realised was a cloud of incredibly humid air that Sirius must have charmed to follow Lockhart around (a cloud that, of course, made Lockhart's hair look like a complete and total disaster - clumps of product had been applied in an attempt to remedy the situation, but they were currently in the process of melting down his cheeks).

Lockhart frantically readjusted his hair as he approached, swept the long, wildly curling strands out of his eyes, his chin pushed up defiantly - Sirius, taking advantage of the fact that Lily and James were now hiding behind her newspaper (probably snogging, the gits), stole Lily's toast, and pressed Remus (a barely-stifling-a-laugh Remus) into his side.

Lockhart smashed his hand down on the side of Sirius' plate, making Lily drop her paper (they had been snogging), and Peter slosh his bite of cereal into his lap. Sirius, though, just took a bite of toast, turned and pressed a kiss to the corner of Remus' mouth as though he hadn't heard a thing.

"Take. It. Off." Lockhart's voice barely contained his anger, and Sirius had to bite back a laugh as he grabbed his pumpkin juice, took another long drag, before turning slowly and letting his eyes move critically over Lockhart, "Nice hair."

Peter snorted and dropped another bite of cereal into his lap. Lockhart was red in the face, though it was unclear whether it was more from the humidity he was trapped in or the embarrassment (though it was most likely a combination of the two). He straightened up, brushed another blonde curl out of his eyes, "Take it off, Black."

Sirius laughed derisively, "You see, kid," Lockhart cringed and Sirius barely suppressed a grin, "I'm afraid I can't do that."

Lockhart's teeth ground together, "And why can't you do that?"

Sirius flicked his hair back over his shoulder, "I can't do it until you give up whatever this," he gestured vaguely in the air around Lockhart, "little competition of yours is."

Lockhart frowned, pressed his lips together, turned on his heel, and strode back to the Ravenclaw table, taking his humidity with him. When Sirius turned back around, Lily was gaping at him. Sirius took another bite of toast, "What?"

Lily grabbed her toast back out of his hand, took a bite, "How the fuck did you do that?"

"Do what?" Sirius took the last piece of toast out of Lily's hand and shoved it into his mouth before she could snatch it back from him. "Dick," Lily grabbed another piece of toast off the platter in the centre of the table, "how did you make that humidity cloud? How did you get it to," she drew a circle in the air with her toast, "stay like that?"

Sirius grinned, shrugged, "My genius."

James snorted, "Your genius? Pretty sure we all worked on that last night, mate."

Peter drank the milk out of his cereal bowl, "As the test subject, I can confirm this."

Sirius waved them both off, "Yeah, whatever. Impressed, Evans?"

Lily took a long drag of her tea, "Annoyingly, yes."

James grinned at her, dropped an arm over her shoulder, "Aren't you glad you locked me down while you had the chance, Evans?"

Lily snorted into her tea, everyone else burst out laughing. James just grinned and pressed a kiss to the side of her head (her smile told James all he needed to know).

To Lockhart's credit, he did make through the morning. By the time he came into the Great Hall for lunch, though, his hair was a mass of blonde frizz, his skin was red and shining with a sheen of sweat, and whatever charm Sirius had used to write on his uniform appeared to get brighter as the day went on (if the rumour mill had it right, Lockhart had been asked to please leave Defense Against the Dark Arts the period before lunch, as the light from his clothes was making the room too bright for the projector).

They had just sat down to lunch (James had already piled a truly ungodly amount of sandwiches onto his plate), when Lily spotted Lockhart moving towards them up the aisle. She nudged James (who dropped a bit of bacon onto his lap) and pointed - James kicked Sirius under the table (he looked indignant until he saw the look in James' eye).

Lockhart came to a stop behind Sirius, just to his left, cleared his throat. Sirius didn't even bat an eye, just grabbed a bacon butty from the platter, poured Remus a glass of pumpkin juice. Lockhart cleared his throat again, "Black."

Sirius breathed a long-suffering sigh, turned on the bench - he pressed his back up against the table, took a bite of his sandwich, and arched an eyebrow at Lockhart. Lockhart, apparently waiting for him to speak, was quiet for a moment before he realised that Sirius had no intention of speaking.

"I'm giving up, can you - "

"Ah, afraid I can't hear you, let me just," Sirius reached inside his robes, pulled out his wand, touched it to Lockhart's throat, "Alright, go ahead."

Lockhart narrowed his eyes, and when he cleared his throat, his voice reverberated throughout the Great Hall (every head in the room shot up). "I'm giving up," Lockhart said, and though he was standing in the middle of the Great Hall, in front of everyone, and giving up in his 'war' with Sirius Black, he was also glowing from the amount of attention currently being directed his way. Sirius, noting Lockhart's satisfaction, pulled his wand away, turned back around on the bench, took another bite of his sandwich. He waved his wand over his shoulder (unable to resist showing off) in a fairly complex pattern, and the humidity cloud fell, the writing disappeared.

Sirius took another bite of his sandwich, "Now get the fuck out of here. And if you try this shit again, you'll realise that this was just child's play."

Lockhart didn't say a word, just trooped back to the Ravenclaw table, head held high, glowing like he'd swallowed the fucking sun.