Austin should've noticed the first sign, but he never did. Sometimes when he watches her, whether she's curled up on the couch with a blanket or taking her pills, he wonders why he never noticed. It had been so blatantly obvious.
Austin had loved Ally because she had been happy-go-lucky, energetic, she loved to smile and laugh, she loved to be with people, she was shy but never ever let that get in the way of living. She was afraid of stages, but not the world. He never even got concerned when the first sign appeared, he had only gotten confused.
Sign Number One:
"Ally," Austin called, stepping into her house. He dangled the keys in his hands. Since he'd become her boyfriend very recently, Ally had given him a key to her home. Her father was often away for business trips and her mother didn't live in the same home as her, Austin felt safer knowing that he could get to her if he needed to. Her parents had quickly agreed that Austin having the house key was a great idea. Though, sometimes Austin used it when he didn't need to. The Dawson home had practically become his now.
"Als," he tried again, not hearing an answer. He turned the corner and there she was sitting on the couch, across from the TV that was playing a rerun of The Big Bang Theory. He noticed that she wasn't watching it, but instead she had her ear buds in her ears and she was scribbling onto a journal with a concentrated expression onto her face. "Ally," he said louder.
Ally suddenly got the odd feeling that she wasn't alone. A shiver crawled up her back as she glanced up. She quickly relaxed when she realized that it was only Austin. She smiled over at him. "Austin," she said as she tugged her ear buds from her ears. She turned off her music.
"You didn't answer your phone," Austin said. He didn't admit that she made him nervous by doing that.
She glanced towards the coffee table, "It's dead," she said, staring at the flip phone before looking at him again. Austin nodded, because her answer was reasonable. He slowly walked over to her and sank down into the couch beside her.
"I talked with Jimmy today," Austin commented, "He said that he thinks we should start working on the next album or at least a couple of songs."
Ally's hesitant, "Yeah, Okay."
Austin stared for a moment. She had never been hesitant to write music before, she always jumped at the chance. He shrugged away from his thoughts and focused on Ally again. "What are you doing?" he questioned, glancing over. She had scribbled fresh doodles onto her notebook. It was just a meaningless flower that was messily scrawled onto the paper in blue pen.
"Eh, nothing. Just doodling." Ally said. Austin chuckled slightly.
"Writer's block?" he questioned her. Ally shrugged.
"You could say that," she said.
"Have you written recently?" he questioned, holding out his hand to see her songbook. Ally is usually okay with him seeing it. She doesn't have anything secretive in there. She only ever writes poems and songs, occasionally small doodles of happy faces and hearts. Ally doesn't hand him the book this time.
"No," she replies, "I haven't actually."
"Well, why not?" Austin pressed.
"Haven't been feeling it," Ally said.
Austin's eye brows furrowed together in confusion. Hadn't been feeling it? But Ally's always feeling a song! She's always got a melody in her head, she's always got something to write down, always wanting to say something. It strikes Austin as a little odd that she would say something like that, but he doesn't seem to think too much about it. After all, all writer's come to a stump at one point, right?
"Oh, well, okay. Don't want to write today then?" he questioned her. Ally shook her head. Her mouth quirked sadly, but Austin hadn't seem to notice as he started to tell her about his day. He didn't even recognize the fact that, well, had Ally just lost interest in her favourite activity?
Sign Number Two:
Austin slumped down next to her on the couch. He was holding a bowl of popcorn, ready to watch the movie "Speed" with Ally. She was sitting next to him. Ally turned off her phone, not wanting any further interruptions during her movie night with her boyfriend.
"Ready?" she questioned him. He gestured to his popcorn. Ally laughed slightly and nodded her head. She reached for the remote and clicked on the movie. It started and within the first few minutes of the movie, they were already fully engaged. They comforted one another with soft gestures like Austin tapped her hand every now and then or Ally curled towards his side.
It's only when the home phone rings do they have to pull themselves out of the stressful movie and realize that they're still in Ally's home. Austin grunts and comments that she has to hurry up because the anticipation to know what's going to happen next will most likely kill him. Ally rolls her eyes and nods.
When she gets up, Austin watches her and then his eye brows pull together in concern. Had Ally...lost weight? She looked smaller than normal, her clothes didn't seem to be fitting like they used to. He shakes his head. She really shouldn't be on a diet. She was already pretty thin and now he's concerned that if she continues to lose the weight, she'll be too frail to be healthy. "Als," Austin said once she'd hung up the phone.
"Yeah?"
"Have you lost weight?" Austin blurted. He recalled her coming over for dinner at his place and she hadn't been feeling that hungry. Was there something going on that maybe he should know about? Because he wouldn't be able to stand it if Ally was doing some sort of starvation method.
She looks shocked by his question and glances down at her body. "Uh, I guess I have. I don't know, I just haven't been hungry lately. I should really start eating more."
Her answer throws him off. She seems to notice her weight change, but doesn't seem to tag it with any insecurities about her body. He thinks again, Ally isn't insecure, apart from her stage fright and shyness. Other than that, Ally had always been confident with herself. He bites the inside of his cheek and shrugs. He's over analyzing whatever this is. Ally sinks down into the couch next to him and lets her head fall over onto his shoulder.
Sign Number Three:
They're in his tour bus, Austin, Ally, Dez, and Trish when it's half past three and Ally pulls out of the bunk bed she had been sleeping on. She feels exhausted, her back is aching and her mind is pulsing with thoughts and weariness.
Ally's steps are light and gentle. Austin hadn't been fully asleep, so he hears a creak in the floor and he opens his eyes. He sees his brunette girlfriend sneaking towards the counter. He frowns lightly but can't find it in him to call her name or even to hop out of bed so he just watches her.
She leans over the counter, holding the edges as if it's the only thing to hold her up. She sighs, her hair falls into her face and she runs a soft palm through it. She sniffs lightly, still not totally over her cold. Austin guesses that's what is keeping her up at such a late hour.
Ally reaches up into one of the cupboard doors and pulls out a bottle of sleeping pills. She takes one and grabs herself a glass of water. Austin watches her. He's started to notice something different about Ally lately. Over the course of the last few months, to be exact. She hasn't written a song and when she does, it's kind of...well, it's sort of a downer. A few nights before they'd gotten on this tour bus, Austin had invited her to go with him and a couple of his other friends and Ally had refuses. He couldn't deny that he was caught off guard by her decline. She normally loved going out with him and his friends, she loved spending time with people. Lately, she hadn't liked it so much.
Ally has just swallowed the sleeping pill when she feels a warm hand on her back. She jumps slightly startled and looks up at the blonde boy who is staring down at her with concern. "Are you okay?" Austin questions. Ally forces a smile at him and nods her head.
"Yeah, just needed a sleeping pill." she tells him. Austin stares at her for a moment.
"Do you need to talk about something?" he questioned, "You've been a little off lately. Not yourself."
"I'm fine," Ally said, "It's probably because of this stupid cold I've had." She doesn't want to tell him about the overwhelming sadness that has been gnawing at her heart for over the last few months. Ally can't even remember the last day when she's laughed and meant it.
Austin nodded slowly, "Okay, yeah, right." But he has a feeling that that's not it. She's been acting too different for it to simply just be from 'a cold'. "Get some sleep, alright?" His lips are placed just above her ear, planting a soft and small kiss there. Ally smiles at him and nods her head. He realizes that her eyes haven't been the same lately.
Sign Number Four:
"I'm telling you, Dez, I can run up these two flights of stairs under one minute," Austin challenged his best friend.
Dez pulled out a watch from his bag and strapped it around his wrist. "You're on." he said to the blonde. Austin hadn't expected him to actually time it, but he was still up for the challenge.
Trish exchanged a glance with Ally, "Here they go again," Trish grumbled. Ally giggled softly.
"Go!" Dez bellowed and the two best friends bolted up the stairs.
"Don't trip!" Trish called out, mockingly.
"Shut up!" both boys shouted in unison.
"Aw, man, I tripped!" Dez said, tumbling on the second flight of stairs causing Ally and Trish to burst into a fit of giggles. Austin smirked as he made it to the top of the stairs.
"Well?" Austin called down to his friend who was still laying on the stairs, panting. He checked the clock.
"55 seconds," he told Austin.
"Hah!" Austin shouted, smirking proudly. For an eighteen year old, he was sure childish at times. Dez had managed to pick himself up and get next to Austin. The two got lost in an argument between whether or not Austin cheated. Dez claimed Austin started earlier, but Austin said otherwise.
Austin glances over and sees the girls jogging up the stairs. The flight of stairs was long and steep, but Ally's movements are more sluggish than they should have been. It makes another curiosity tick in Austin's mind. They had gone down to the beach yesterday, after Austin was finished shooting his new music video and Ally lacked in energy. She was out of breath easily and complained of aching muscles. He had even rubbed her shoulders at one point and her muscles were in knots. It concerned him a little more.
"Ally," Austin stood next to her when both girls had made it up the stairs, "Are you sure you're doing okay?" He had asked her the same question earlier that day and Ally claimed that the food poisoning she'd gotten from two weeks ago was still having a toll on her body. Austin knew food poisoning didn't last that long, but he still pretends to believe it when she uses the same excuse again.
"I told you, Austin, it's just from that food poisoning."
Austin is getting really, really concerned.
Sign Number Five:
"Trish told me that one of the most toughest marking critics gave me a good review," Austin smiled at his girlfriend. "I was so surprised. He looked so unimpressed with my show, but I guess you can't judge by looks because he said that I had talent that he hadn't heard of in a while and he couldn't wait to see my show again-"
"-That's awesome, Austin," Ally said, wearily.
Austin stopped talking and he felt hurt when he realized that Ally wasn't even nearly as excited about this as he was. For a moment, he felt like he didn't matter. "Yeah...It was awesome." he swallowed. He watched her again and noticed that she was fidgety. "Ally-"
"Austin, just stop!" Ally snapped. Austin's eyes grew in size as he stared at her. Ally never rose her voice at him and he never thought she'd start.
"Sorry," he mumbled, his tone was pouty and quite frankly, that annoyed Ally even more. Though, she still felt a little bad because he had only been talking to her with excitement when she snapped at him.
"You're just talking too much, too fast. Take a breath." Ally sighed, rubbing her forehead. She could feel her muscles along her back tightening. She couldn't handle the constant yammering from Austin. He hadn't stopped talking since he'd shown up to the practice room.
Austin stared at her for a moment, "Why are you so moody?" he dared to ask. He recalled talking to Trish who seemed furious with Ally because apparently Trish had also been talking too much, too fast one day and Ally actually yelled at her. The two had even swapped a couple of awful words. Luckily, they both apologized and Ally claimed it was 'stress' because she was finally moving in with Austin, but Trish wondered otherwise. Her best friend was acting odd and Austin agreed.
"I'm not moody," Ally grunted, annoyance tagged into her voice. "You just...You talk a lot, that's all."
"Well, isn't that key to relationships? To talk about things?" Austin said, passive aggressively trying to insist that she talks about whatever was going through her mind over the last several months.
"Yeah, yeah it is, but you do it too much sometimes," Ally said, sorting through papers.
Austin decided he'd try something else. "Did you finish any songs?"
"God, Austin, No, I didn't!" she spat at him acidly. Austin stared at her for a moment. Ally knew she was in the wrong. She knew there was nothing to be upset about, but yet she had felt completely and totally irritable.
"Sorry to bother you," Austin murmured. Ally sighed, running her fingers through her hair. She was breathing unevenly and shakily. She thought she might cry now, because the last several months have been hard as she's dealt with a bleak, unknown sadness. She expected Austin to storm out just as he normally did when he was upset, but he stayed instead and just watched her. He approached her calmly after a moment. He wrapped his arms around her and Ally leaned into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him, too.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, but she never did tell him about how the sadness she'd been dwelling in over the last several months was getting worse, it was hardening around her heart and she didn't know how to get it off.
Sign Number Six:
She was crying.
She was standing by the counter with her hands over her face. Austin was trying to console her as he grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands away from her face. Her eyes were wet, smearing her make up just beneath her eyes.
"Ally, it's going to be okay. There's nothing to be upset about. I'm sure everything will be fine." Austin comforted as he tried to convince her losing her car keys wasn't that big of a deal. Austin was starting to recognize these concentration habit of hers: losing/forgetting things, trouble making decisions, hard time focusing.
He kissed her forehead and rubbed his thumb on her hip gently but she still just wouldn't stop crying. She was so exhausted with feeling this sad and she still hadn't told Austin about the numbing sadness that consistently weighed inside her chest, but it seemed as though she didn't need to tell him because he was starting to figure it out himself. There were too many oddities and signs now coming from her.
"It's fine," he tried again when she took a shaky breath, running a hand through her hair. "We'll find them and if we can't, we can get you new ones."
Ally slowly nodded, trying to gulp down the lump in her throat, trying to stop the tears from falling. She knew it was really nothing to be so worked up about, but the sadness was getting harder to hide, harder to hold in. It was coming out in different ways now. Right now was a prime example: she was sobbing over losing her car keys but was she really crying because of car keys?
Austin stared at her for a moment. Her eyes were red and he was starting to see it a lot more in her eyes now. There was an ache that was starting to shine through and he saw it when he looked at her. He had noticed it, too, when she started to become dependent on him, constantly needing him for something. He never minded, he was willing to do anything for her. Trish and Dez had begun to notice it, too, as well as her parents. There was something going on with Ally and everyone knew it, but did Ally know it? Probably. Most likely. Yeah, she knew. Her problem was telling somebody. She didn't know how to tell anybody about the sadness that was roaring inside of her like a lion.
Sign Number Seven:
When had Ally started to hate herself? She was laying down on the bed and she had finished crying again. She had started doing that a lot now. It came out like little outbursts, one minute she'd be fine and then one little thing would cause her to lose her cool. It hurt to watch, Austin was always the one who had to watch it.
He knew there was something wrong now. There was something really wrong because Ally wasn't even Ally anymore. Well, she was in simple ways: The way her hair fell in her face, or the sound of her laugh, she still smiled, she teased, she loved having movie marathons with Austin and baking cookies, the cute stuff was still there but her attitude wasn't the same. She was sad and everybody was starting to know it because Ally had been hiding it for a year now and she really couldn't do it anymore.
"Why do you care, Austin?" Ally barked at him, wanting him to just leave her alone for tonight. No, she didn't want to be alone but she just believed that she wasn't worth enough of his time for him to stay. Austin thought otherwise.
"Because you're my girlfriend." Austin said, moving a strand of hair out of her wet face.
"A bad one," she mumbled.
Austin sighed and shook his head. Her hatred was getting hard to listen to, tiring, saddening. "You're the best one."
"How?" Ally wondered.
"Well, you make me laugh. You make me happy. You take care of me when I'm sad or when I'm sick. You always make sure I'm alright and when I'm not, you worry a lot. You spend time with me, you care about me. We argue sometimes but we always make it right. You're different than my other girlfriends and I love that about you. I love everything about you. I can't even tell you how amazing you are, you...you just are." Austin kissed the corner of her mouth.
"I don't feel that way," Ally admitted, sighing softly.
Austin frowned, "Why?" he asked, tracing patterns into her palm with his finger.
Ally shrugged. "I don't know...I'm just...I'm a screw up. I mess everything up. I'm always shy and can't ever do anything by myself. I can't even sing my songs because I'm afraid of being on stage."
"That doesn't matter and you don't mess things up. You're not a screw up and you can do things by yourself. Don't hate it that your shy, just embrace it. I like it that you're shy. It's cute." Austin told her, smiling crookedly but she didn't return the smile. He sighed and leaned his head against hers.
Austin still didn't exactly know about how sad she was, but he was getting a good idea now.
Sign Number Eight:
She has never felt the need to end her life, but Ally hasn't felt the need to stay in it either. It scared Austin when it came up during an argument one night. It was a simple argument really, it was about finances. The two weren't struggling, not with Austin's fame, but it was a still a topic that needed to be sorted out every now and again. It wasn't long until Ally slipped out: "Well, things would just be better if I wasn't here."
Austin couldn't talk for the longest time before he finally spat, "What did you just say?!"
Ally will never forget how angry he got. She knows to never come close to telling him that again. He was totally appalled that she would think something like that, how could she think something like that? Her negativity was starting to hurt him now: Life sucks, I hate my life, I hate me, nothing's getting better, I wish I wasn't here, things would be better if I wasn't here, life isn't the same anymore, I'm tired, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't like writing songs - there's nothing good to write about, I suck at music, I'm stupid, I hate being shy, people hate me, etc. The list went on. Ally had reached her point of hopelessness right about now.
Austin flipped on the light switch and opened the curtains to their room. Ally groaned and buried herself beneath the pillows and blankets. It was nearly two in the afternoon and there was no way Austin was letting her skip out on another day of work. She had missed a lot already and of course her boss, who had also happened to be her dad, always let her stay home. Austin wasn't going to this time, he wasn't going to let her stop living life.
"Get out of bed," he demanded, pulling off the blankets from the bed.
"Austin," Ally groaned, self-pityingly.
"Ally," Austin said back, "Come on. You have work in two hours. Your Dad already cut your hours, you can do a three hour shift."
Austin knew now. He knew it was depression. The signs were there and they were obvious. Austin wasn't the only one who knew it now, her parents painted themselves a pretty good picture that she had it, too, and Trish and Dez came to the conclusion as well. Sometimes they're lucky if Ally even wants to hang out and they don't have to force her out of bed. She's suddenly started to hate getting up.
"Austin, I just want to stay home-"
"-But you're not going to." Austin interjected. Ally sighed and still didn't move. Austin stared down at her. He often had to pretend that this never hurt him. That forcing her out of bed never punctured his heart, that making sure she had kept living wasn't hurting him. "Ally," he said, his voice a little softer.
She sighed again and slowly sat up. Her eyes had started to look lifeless, they lacked their usual sparkle. Austin kissed her head. He worried about her too much. It's hard when the person you love is this sad and there's nothing you can do about it. He didn't even care anymore that she had no interest in writing songs, he just wanted her to feel better.
"I'm taking you to a psychiatrist tomorrow," Austin told her. Ally looked at him and he could tell she was mad. "Ally...You need it."
And she did agree. She didn't want to feel this way forever and maybe she did need pills, maybe she did have clinical depression and that factor sucked. She sighed as she slowly stood up from the bed. Austin stared at her for a moment. She looked at him. She could see the concern and sadness in his eyes. She leaned up on the tips of her toes and kissed him softly.
"I'll drive you to work when you're ready," he told her. Ally nodded her head.
Austin had taken her to the psychiatrist and they had prescribed her for pills. Ally was annoyed that she needed medicine to make her feel happy when it used to come so easy so naturally. It was just seeing the sun that made her happy or knowing that she got to do some songwriting that day, but now some days were a drag and she had to take pills just to feel a little bit okay.
Life still went on though and Ally learned how to deal with, as to did Austin, her friends, and family. They all took care of her, especially Austin. He didn't let her depression get in the way of anything. He still married her, he still loved her. He just wished this never happened, that depression never happened. He was never absolutely sure when depression had taken over her mind, one day it just did. There wasn't anything he could do about it, and that still hurt but things were getting to be okay again. Well, as good as they could be.
It's magical that I had wifi. I knew bringing my laptop would pay off! Welp, here's a one shot about Depression Awareness because I think people need to be aware of how badly and how many people it's affected/affecting.