Winter Song
Chapter 1
Note: This is essentially canon through Ceremonies of Light and Dark (season 3 episode 11), but I took some liberties with the gift(s) Ironheart gave Talia. She is the future after all, so who knows what that means?
Note 2: I know it's a bit uncharacteristic for Susan to disclose so much to Delenn with so little prompting, but I really wanted to get her version of everything that had happened with Talia into this chapter, so I just went with it. I also sort of like the idea that Susan had been holding everything in for so long that once she started opening up she needed to get it all out.
Note 3: This fic was inspired in part by "Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. The epigraphs (in italics) at the beginnings of most chapters are the lines of the song that correspond to the part of the story. I don't think it's necessary to know or like the song to like the story, but if you haven't heard it you should give it a listen cause it's pretty.
Final note: This story is more ambitious than anything I've written in a long time, so I may need some encouragement before the end; which is my way of saying, please review! Feedback helps keep me going.
"Come in," Ivanova called when she heard someone at the door.
"Ambassador Delenn," she greeted her guest in surprise.
"Susan, must we be so formal? I was hoping to speak with you as a friend."
"Of course, Delenn," Susan agreed with a small smile.
"May I sit down? I do not wish to impose."
"No, please, you're always welcome," Susan assured her, gesturing to the couch and sitting at the opposite end.
Delenn sat and turned to face the other woman with a warm smile. "I know we have never been close, but I think perhaps, you do not have anyone to speak with about matters of the heart."
"In this, you are not mistaken."
"After what you told me yesterday, I thought you might like to talk about Miss Winters."
Susan looked away, but when her glance fell on the bed she quickly returned her gaze to Delenn. She wasn't ready to deal with all the memories and emotions that came with looking at the spot where Talia Winters had once laid. "It is difficult, even now, to speak about."
"Have you never spoken to anyone about her?"
"No. It was never meant to be a secret, but it began and ended so quickly…"
"Yet it made you happy, this relationship?"
"The relationship... never had the chance to be much of a relationship. But she made me happy. She was the first person in a very long time that I could let myself open up to."
"How did it start, between you?" Delenn asked curiously. She wanted to be supportive of Susan, but if she could learn about the romantic habits of humans in the process so much the better. She had the thrilling suspicion they might be pertinent to her own life very soon.
"I pushed her away at first, for a long time. The fact that she was Psi Corps, and the fact that the day we met I found myself sharing things with her I hadn't even told Commander Sinclair or Garibaldi, meant I had to keep my distance at all costs. I couldn't understand why I was drawn to this woman I barely knew, and I resented her for it. The fact that she was Psi Corps made it a hundred times worse, and a thousand times more dangerous. I couldn't look at her without being reminded of my mother and all that had happened, and yet I felt compelled to open myself up to her, against my will. I believed from the first instant that I could not lie to this woman, yet I knew that in some things I could not tell her the truth. To let a member of Psi Corps know about my life, it was unthinkable. I avoided her for months; it was made easier by the fact that when we did meet it was usually to clash over something, like the young telepath that had been living in Downbelow. However she was very persistent; I suspect she felt the same connection I did, but without the same aversion, and at times it seemed she was seeking me out. One day, after we had been particularly rude to each other, she suggested we have coffee as a way to apologize. She tried to suppress her enthusiasm when I accepted, but it seemed to me she was thrilled at the chance to talk, at the possibility I might finally be open to friendship. I only had half an hour until I went on duty, so there was no chance to get into anything very personal that night, but for the first time we developed an easy banter. Despite the antagonism still between us, sitting talking with her, exchanging wisecracks and verbally sparring, felt oddly comfortable. I didn't see much of her in the months that followed; when I did, I like to think I was more polite to her than I had been in the past, but I kept my distance. After she began to question Psi Corps, I let her in bit by bit. We began to talk on a more personal level; one evening we talked for hours. She avoided her past as much as she could, I believe to keep from disturbing me with talk of the Corps, but I found myself talking about my family in ways I rarely have with anyone. And we both talked of the future, of the things we'd want for our lives. Nothing so profound as what we'd want for the world, but rather the sort of homes we'd want, the sort of jobs. The worlds we hoped to see, the things we hoped to do. I learned much about her that night, and felt far closer to her than I had. But still I was terrified."
"Because you didn't trust her?"
"Because I did."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"Do you know what it's like to trust someone for the first time in nearly 20 years? There'd been a few men, and a woman or two, before her, but I never let anyone get truly close. And I never gave anyone the power to hurt me. Suddenly there was this woman I couldn't seem to keep away, but if I let her in she'd have the power to break me. And the fact that I believed she wouldn't, at least by choice… That was perhaps the most frightening of all. If I trusted her not to hurt me, and I trusted myself not to hide from her, then there was nothing keeping us apart. Because by then, I believed she felt for me much as I felt for her. And the strength of these feelings, when I'd fought so hard against them, was infuriating. The fact that I was starting to *want* to let her in, wanting to share things with her and talk about my day, was unbearable. I have always prided myself on my independence. I believed myself to have little need for anyone; my other lovers had been little more than a means for release, and though the release itself was quite pleasant I always knew I could do fine without it. When I began to let Talia into my life, I could imagine myself coming to rely on that, and that was something I believed I could not allow, and yet I felt unable to resist her. It was more than physical attraction, though I always found her to be a very beautiful woman; she watched and she listened, she appreciated my quirks and my stubbornness, and somehow despite all our differences I believed she truly respected and cared for me. We had been… friends, for some time, when there was a problem with the air in her quarters one day. Nothing had happened between us before then; I cannot say for sure, but I think she had wanted more for some time yet been uncertain of my feelings, or at least my willingness. She told me once, that it is hard for telepaths to trust what others feel for them, because it is hard to know where their own feelings end and the other's begin. She was surprised when I suggested she stay in my quarters. Perhaps she was nervous too; I certainly was, though I like to think I hid it well. I did not know what would happen, I only knew that I could not miss what might be my only chance to fall asleep to the sound of her breathing, to see her face first thing when I woke. I didn't know if I would ever be brave enough again, so I invited her to stay with me. That night, she was here when I came home. For just one moment, it felt like a fairytale; suddenly I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind I had dreamed of that, dreamed of coming home to her. It was already late and she was in these silky pajamas, curled up on the couch reading. I don't think I ever noticed what the book was, my mind was… otherwise occupied. When I came in, she smiled that slow, powerful smile of hers, and something inside me melted. I went to her without a word, and we made love. After, neither of us had much to say, but she couldn't stop smiling and I suspect I was no better. A little while later I managed to disentangle myself; I needed a shower, but I also needed to clear my head, try to process everything. Being with her, I could feel my walls falling away, and there was still one wall I couldn't let down, one secret I could never tell a telepath—not even one who was beginning to question Psi Corps, and perhaps even beginning to love me. She took a shower after I did, and when she came out…" Susan trailed off for a moment, a sad smile tracing her lips as she got caught in the memory. "I was in the kitchen, arguing with my cabinets in a very unattractive manner, and she just had this look on her face, like all was right with the world, like me fighting inanimate objects was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen… and like being here in my home, freshly showered and watching me make a fool of myself, was the most relaxed she'd ever been. I nearly went to her again, seeing her look of bliss, but there were matters I needed to discuss with her. It's ironic looking back, but I asked her if she thought we could trust Lyta; she said she thought so, but that the only person she was completely sure she could trust… was me. I was touched by her words, despite my guilt that I was still holding back from her my biggest secret; I told myself that once a little time had passed, once the crisis with Miss Alexander was over, once there'd been more time for us, I'd tell her my secrets, once I found the words. We went to bed that night wrapped in each other's arms, and after she fell asleep I lay stroking her hair for the longest time. She snuggled against me in her sleep, and it felt so warm and so terrifying all at once. I knew if I fell asleep that way, and woke up in her arms, I would never want to let go; and even then, when I'd already started to accept how much I was falling for her, that was something I could not allow. I was an independent woman with my career to think about; I was a cold, hard bitch who didn't give a damn for anyone."
"I don't think you were ever that."
"Please Delenn, leave me a few illusions," Ivanova requested with a soft smile. "I believed myself not to need anyone, and there I was falling for a woman I could see myself building a life with, feeling things I had never felt for anyone before. I trusted her as I had not trusted anyone since my mother's death. For me to let a telepath in as I did when we made love… It was perhaps the most dangerous thing I had ever done, yet in the moment it never occurred to me to be afraid because I was safe with her. But I learned a long time ago that I was never safe, and to let myself feel that way now, I simply could not allow it to continue. I wanted her, badly; part of me wanted nothing more than to sleep as she held me and wake her with a kiss. But still I held back. I reasoned that now we had been together once, we would be again, and there would be time for me to make sense of it all. Time for me to figure out how to still be independent, no-nonsense Ivanova and a woman in love. Time," she paused bitterly, "time was the one thing we did not have. I got up in the night, let myself doze restlessly on the couch, waking often to check that Talia was still there, still safe. I rose early in the morning and spoke little before I left; after, I feared I might have offended her, but I was still working out what to say, how to act around her now that we had been together. I was sure I would see her later and have a chance to fix whatever minor damage I did that morning." Voice hardening, Susan added, "But that was the day I lost her."
Delenn had heard pieces of what happened, as she supposed many on the station had. There were details she still wasn't clear on, but now was not the time to ask, except to understand what Susan had gone through. "You never saw her again, after her Control took over?"
"I went to say goodbye. Logically, I knew that she was gone, yet I couldn't help hoping that Talia, *my* Talia, was still in there somehow. And if there was any part of her left, I wanted her to know I didn't blame her. Her words to me were cold, her smile cruel, and she told me she, Control, was all that was left. I didn't want to believe it at first, but the Talia I knew never would have acted that way. It was foolish of me to hope. Just a childish, broken fantasy."
"It is never childish to have hope, Susan. At times, it is the hardest thing of all."
"Fat lot of good it did me." Delenn's brow furrowed as she tried to decipher what a 'fat lot' was, but she stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt. "It's been 8 months; if the real Talia were still inside, she would have found her way out by now."
"Perhaps. Or perhaps she is still fighting, and will go on fighting, until she gets her chance."
"Do you really believe that?"
"I believe that all hope is lost only when we lose hope. As long as we keep fighting for the things that matter to us, and stay true to our hearts, there is always a chance." Delenn smiled sadly. "I also believe, you were not alone in your feelings. I did not know Miss Winters well, but I liked her a great deal, and I noticed the way she looked at you, the way she smiled when your name was mentioned. If you believe nothing else, at least believe that she loved you as you loved her."