I am twenty years old. It has been three years since the worst night in my life that happened during my 7th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I graduated, and now hold a boring job with Muggles advocating that insane witches and wizards should have a place in the Muggle world. True, this was not the Auror job I had coveted for years but it was the only answer I could come up with during 7th year. I was living in a world that I was scared of. I had nightmares every night that had me screaming myself awake, but I felt I deserved them. I internalized everything and felt as though it would just be easier and less painful if old age then death came tomorrow. Every day I think about what happened three years ago…
***Everything was going as planned. Ron finally asked me out at the beginning of the year and I couldn't believe how romantic he became and how much he truly cared for me. We still fought like cats and dogs but in a way it made our relationship stronger. He kept trying to get me alone in a classroom for things to go further but the idea of potentially ruining any school materials was not going to happen. Harry was constantly worrying about Voldemort as usual and we had our hands full keeping up on research about him and his accomplices were hiding. He didn't have a girlfriend, but I suspected something was happening between him and Ginny, but neither of them would admit anything. Regardless of the danger with Voldemort, I still felt safe within the castle walls and with Ron, I felt nothing could harm me. It took me awhile to get used to the fact that I could hold Ron's hand and could show light public displays of affection. I was thrilled when he asked me on a date to go to Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day. It started off wonderfully and ended horribly. This is the day that changed my life in every way, shape, and form.
We were in Hogsmeade walking around and suddenly I saw his eyes grow wide and he said, "Hermione, I forgot your Valentine's Day Gift! I will be 5 minutes, wait right here." Before I could yell that I didn't want him to buy me anything or I'll go with you, he was off and running. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with him so I decided to sit and wait. I looked around and noticed that we were by the Shrieking Shack. The place still gave me the shivers ever since third year and I had no desire to go in it ever again. I was waiting for about fifteen minutes and betting if Ron got lost when I heard his voice.
"Hermione! Come in here!" I looked around but couldn't see him anywhere. "No, no! In here!" I found the direction of his voice and I paused. It was coming from the Shrieking Shack.
"Ron? Are you in the Shrieking Shack? Get out of there, it gives me the creeps!"
"Aw, come on Hermione! I made us a nice little picnic."
I smiled. He could be so sweet sometimes. A little misguided about the place but I couldn't say no on his effort with a picnic. I laughed to myself thinking of his clever way to get me alone and as usual I would play along. As I made my way into the Shrieking Shack a cold chill came over me. "Ron? Where are you?"
"Up the stairs, keep coming."
His voice sounded different in the Shack but I attributed it to the way the house sounded in general. I followed the stairs up, trying to avoid the holes as best as I could. This place was bad, not romantic at all, and I was about to tell him when I got to the top of the stairs but I couldn't say a word. When I looked up expected to see Ron's goofy grin and a picnic spread, all I saw was evil. Lord Voldemort's face stood smiling at me with his wand at the ready. I opened my mouth to scream when he was suddenly behind me and covered my mouth. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "If you scream, your boyfriend will come running. If he comes running, that means I have to kill him. If you don't scream, I will let him live."
My eyes immediately filled up with tears. I had no idea what to do. I thought about every option. If I screamed, Ron would come running so might other people but I couldn't handle Ron dying. If I go with him, I could try and negotiate my way out of this, unlikely but I would rather die than kill Ron. With all of the scenarios going through my head, I nodded that I understood and he let me go. He walked to the center of the room where there was an old piece of bed frame and muttered something I couldn't understand. He grabbed me and made me touch the furniture and suddenly we were leaving the Shrieking Shack and I felt as if I was being pulled into a long tube. The beframe was a portkey.
When we landed I looked around. We were in what I could only describe as a dungeon. The walls were wet with moisture, it smelled of mold, and the place was dark having no natural light come in. "Where did you take me?"
"It doesn't matter mudblood. You will listen to what I have to say, do whatever I tell you to, and the return to that school." His voice was harsh and scratchy. He was trying not to control his emotions with some difficulty.
"You're not going to kill Ron or Harry?" I was terrified for my own life but the idea of Ron or Harry being harmed was beyond comprehension.
He stared at me for a brief second. "Oh I will kill you all eventually, but not today. You, mudblood, have become quite valuable to me and I thank you for that."
My face must have given off disbelief for he continued, "There's a reason why I won't kill you today. What are you to me do you think?"
He was toying with me and I knew it but I had this halfhearted belief that if I played along, answered all his questions correctly he would see the error of his ways, let me go, and all would be right with the world. But as I looked into his eyes, I saw nothing. No emotion, no love, no soul.
"HOW DARE YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES!" And with that I felt the power of a Cruciatus Curse. It was more pain that I ever thought I would be able to handle. My body writhed and inside I was screaming for someone to kill me. Please do anything to make this pain stop! The suddenly, it did. My body was on fire, everything ache, and I longed to give him any information I could think of for him to not do that again.
"Please let me go! I'll do anything!"
"Oh I know you'll do anything." He sneered. "I can make you do anything. But I'm still not letting you go… yet. You still haven't
answered me mudblood. Why are you important to me?"
I didn't answer, I couldn't. My mind was still in shock from the pain of the curse. I wanted to curl up in a ball but before I had another thought I heard, "ANSWER ME!" and with that brought the Cruciatus Curse again. The pain that I felt blocked out all answers that I could think of. I had this moment of clarity and humor when I kept thinking you know he should really figure out that people would do so much better on his answers without this pain. But then searing pain doubled and I couldn't process a though. After what seemed like an eternity, the pain suddenly stopped. The pleasure of no-pain was extraordinary.
"Well Mudblood?"
"I am closest to Harry." My mind was reeling on any information that I needed to keep hidden from him. I was preparing myself for the worst while trying to keep mentally strong so I didn't give anything away that may help him.
"Wrong! Stupid mudblood. You are second close to Potter. I have been studying him for some time now. I thought Potter was equal to all he met but he seems to single out you and that wizard traitor Weasley. I thought of taking him, but I'd rather every single one of you be tortured instead of just him. So I decided to take you. You and that traitor seem to be getting along justfine and the traitor is best friends with Potter. When I am done with you, you will tell the traitor and the traitor will tell Potter. What a vulnerable yet predicatable chain. Which brings me to my next question: What do you think I am going to do to you?"
My mind reeled. Where was my wand? Did I even bring it with me? Are Ron and Harry okay now? Then the Cruciatus curse hit me once again.
"I could do this all day mudblood, however I do want to get to the main event. This will hurt me more than it hurts you, trust me."
And with that he tied me up, raped, and tortured me some more. It was humiliating and awful and there was nothing I could do about it. I was bawling the whole time while Voldemort kept repeating how disgusting I was. My life was over. Before he let me go he did put another spell on me. It was his version of why he couldn't touch Harry for so long. He said that if I touched the person I truly love the Cruciatus Curse will be cast upon them. I would never be able to touch Ron again.
Voldemort let me and his plan was in effect. I went back to Hogwarts with my eyes cast down. I had to avoid Ron and I couldn't talk to anybody. I raced as fast as I could to my room, closed the curtains and just cried. A few of my roommates came in and were telling me Ron was asking for me and what was wrong but I told them that I just had a bad day and that I'll be better tomorrow, tell Ron that I would see him later. Tomorrow came and I couldn't get out of bed. I told everyone that I was sick and I wasn't going to class. Someone offered to go get Madam Pomfrey but I immediately declined saying it was just a cold. All day, as I lay in my bed, I just replayed the scene over and over again. Around nine o'clock the next night, I got another message from Ron. Are you ok? You disappeared on me yesterday and I'm worried about you. Ron.
I sent back I'm sick and I will talk to you tomorrow. Hermione.
That night I fell asleep and I woke myself up screaming when I saw Voldemort in my dreams. My roommates were growing more and more concerned but I brushed it off as casually as I could. Finally, I knew that I had to confront Ron. But I didn't know how I was going to do it without him touching me. My fake sickness could only last so long. After going through every possible scenario in my head, I knew that I would have to hurt him to have him leave me alone.
On Tuesday morning I woke up and immediately started to tear up, but I shamed myself for feeling so selfish and worrying about my own feelings. I got dressed and went to the common room. I looked around and noticed Ron wasn't there. Harry and Ginny were and they stopped talking as soon as I came into view. Harry tried to give me a smile, as well as he could in those days, and Ginny jumped up and asked if I was alright and if there was anything that she could do.
I didn't feel like talking to either of them so after I shrugged them off I made my way to the breakfast hall. I wasn't hungry at all but I felt I needed to eat since it probably wasn't healthy otherwise. As soon as I put the first forkful of food into my mouth I felt myself gag and so I just sat there and looked around. Everyone was going on with their lives as if nothing happened. Some were talking about exams, others quidditch. It was maddening! I looked up and saw Ron come into the breakfast hall and smile when he saw me. My heart broke into a million pieces as he sat down across from me. "Hey 'Mione, how are you feeling? I was so worried about you!" I tried to smile as he said this but I knew that my face just looked cold. "Hey are you ok? You don't look too well."
"Yeah, well, you don't look so well either!" I snapped. Hey immediately looked taken aback and then grew a little annoyed.
"Whoa, whoa. Don't take my head off. You may be sick but you still have to be nice to me. It's written in the "Having A Boyfriend" book by Ronald Weasley."
He was so cute and sweet for trying to break the tension I almost laughed… but the laugh didn't make it to my voice or my face.
"Ron, we need to talk as soon as possible."
"Ok, let's talk now. What's up?"
"No, in private. How about tonight in one of the classrooms?" I was trying to keep my voice even. I was on the verge of crying but I knew I had to hold it together in public.
"Alright. You name the time and the place and we'll talk"
We made plans then I immediately got up and walked as fast as possible for the doors. I needed some fresh air, now!
As soon as I stepped outside into the brisk February air, I felt better. My tears started to go away so I just kept walking. In the back of my head I knew that I was missing at least five classes today on top of the four classes yesterday, but I just didn't care. To hell with my grades, I was too depressed to care.
I ended up wandering aimlessly around the whole school grounds until it was time to meet with Ron. I slowly walked in the school and made my way to the room where Ron was. I had resolved that I would find a way to end things with him and him never wanting anything to do with me again. It was going to tear me apart, but I knew that I had to wound him badly. As soon as I walked in the door Ron jumped up and was going to give me a hug. I immediately sidestepped behind one of the tables so he couldn't come near me. Voldemort had said that the Cruciatus Curse would happen and I was not going to test that theory. As soon as I stepped away from him, Ron dropped his arms and immediately had a puzzled look on his face. "Ok, 'Mione, you've got my attention. What's up?"
I looked up into his face and realized that I would never be able to love anyone else again. I would live the life of a old spinster with this burning regret in my heart but I didn't care. Anything to save him.
"Ron, I don't know how else to tell you this without just coming out and saying it. I, um, cheated on you."
You could have heard a pin drop when I said the words. I looked up into his face and I saw confusion then anger, then disbelief, then anger again. "What?"
"Yesterday when you went back for my present I realized that I don't want to be with you anymore. I've been seeing someone else almost the entire time we've been together and I love him more. I'm sorry but I don't want to be with you anymore."
"You've been with another bloke other than me?"
This was where I started to cry. I tried to lay it on as thick as I could.
"Yes."
"But Hermione, we've never… I mean…"
I blushed. I always blush!
"You're right, we haven't. But I have with him and I want him more than I want you. So I guess this is goodbye."
He looked at me incredulously and then, with the table between us, he leaned in to my face and stared into my eyes.
"You're not telling me the truth. What happened? Just tell me the truth!"
I couldn't catch my breath I was crying so hard. I had to hurt him to save him so with one final breath, I cleared my tears and stared equally as hard into his eyes.
"The truth is, I am not in love with you Ron Weasley, I never have been and I never will be. Leave me alone!"
His looked shattered whatever resolve I had left. I turned around with my head held as high as I could and walked through the doors. As soon as I closed them behind me, I ran as fast as I could to wherever my feet would take me. I found another classroom and sunk into a chair and let my emotions run wild. I cried myself to sleep in the classroom and woke up in the early morning hours. I slowly walked back to the common room and decided that those were the last tears I would ever cry about this situation.
The next morning, I woke up to a common room abuzz with the latest gossip. Turns out, the gossip was about me. It was now common news that Ron and I broke up but no one knew why. I can't believe he didn't tell anyone why. I smiled at the thought then quickly dismissed it. I was about to go back up to my room to catch a nap and to skip all of my classes when I saw Ginny head straight towards me. She grabbed me by the arm, dragged me out of the common room, and into a nearby secluded hallway.
"What the hell is going on?!" Ginny hissed.
"Ron and I broke up, Gin. That's all."
"THAT'S ALL?! You cheated on him! How could you? Ron was so upset last night that he kept Harry up all night. Naturally I heard about it this morning." Ginny was yelling yet trying to keep her voice as as low as possible. My heart broke. I forgot that in hurting Ron I would probably lose the entire Weasley clan's friendship and possibly Harry's.
"Oh, Gin. You don't know the half of it. Just leave me alone." I was trying to sound arrogant, pushy, and confident but it sounded like I was whining.
"Hermione, you were the one person in Hogwarts that I knew I could get the truth from. You lied to my brother's face and I will never forgive you for that."
I forgot that I resolved to not cry, it lasted only an hour.
"I understand Ginny. Goodbye." And I walked away as quickly as I could to my room. I huddled in the bed until I felt numb then tried to go to sleep. The nightmares kept waking me up, but I could control my screaming now.
It took me a week to start going back to classes but my heart was not in them. Professor McGonagall confronted me about it and I told her that I was no longer interested in becoming an Auror and what careers are offered in the Muggle World. I remember her incredulous look but handed me one sheet of paper with Muggle career paths. Most of them needed only one or two N.E. to get in so I skipped all of the classes that I didn't need for the rest of the year. Turns out that I had enough credits to officially graduate last year but just needed to take my N.E. . I left as soon as I could and immediately got a job in the muggle world. ***
Every day since I left Hogwarts I have had this yearning to go back and let everyone know what actually happened and to hell with the consequences. But I know the consequences: Ron and Harry will get hurt and may die and I'd rather die alone with my secret then have anything else happen to them.