Life Goes On

by NettieC

The continuing saga of Harm, Mac and family and their life on the farm. Follows on from 36 Hours, Change and Life on the Farm .

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine
AN: Life Goes On is the new sequel to the 36 Hours / Change /Life on the Farm story. This time around, we will have fewer but longer chapters focusing on a month at a time. With this format, I won't have to update as frequently as each chapter will contain a complete story (hopefully!).

Thanks to Beth...

I should probably say there is a Kleenex warning with this chapter.

Life Goes On...
March
Birthday Babies

It was a week of hustle and bustle, well, probably more bustle than hustle. With three children celebrating birthdays on two consecutive days there was a lot to organise. Mac had purchased most of their gifts online and only had to wrap them as they arrived in the post. With the twins turning four on Saturday and Frankie turning one on Sunday, there was a lot to do but she didn't seem to be getting there very fast and Harm was no help.

They had argued about the children's birthdays a few weeks ago and while the fight appeared to be over, Harm had been noticeably absent from preparations this week. The argument had been over what form the birthday celebrations would take. Mac wanted something for the twins on Saturday and a first birthday party for Frankie on Sunday. Harm thought they should just do a combined thing on Saturday and, if they had to, have a cake for Frankie on Sunday. Mac had countered with the fact they had had first birthday parties for the others and Frankie shouldn't be the exception and they were not triplets and therefore shouldn't have to share the one event. Harm's response had been that a) Frankie was one and he wouldn't know the difference, b) the twins wouldn't care as long as there was cake and c) Saturday made more sense as Lily had school on Monday and didn't need a sugar high. It escalated from there.
Neither could see the other's view point.

For Mac, she wanted the world to know her baby boy – the one that was completely unexpected, the one who fought the odds to be with them, the one who was their own little miracle – had achieved the milestone of turning one. It was a day to be celebrated. He was a child to be celebrated.

For Harm, he still struggled to separate himself from the events of Frankie's birth. While he loved his son desperately and was intensely proud of the little guy and how he was going, the day of his birth was also the day he almost lost his wife. He didn't blame Frankie for it, he still blamed himself and while he wanted to acknowledge Frankie turning one, he didn't want to do it on that day. Maybe in the coming years he'd get over it, but the pain was still raw.
"Do whatever you want!" he had finally yelled as he stormed out of the house the previous week, so Mac had.

With her in-laws due the following morning, which was Friday, and Mattie four months pregnant and suffering from severe bouts of morning sickness, Mac's reinforcements on Thursday were limited. Rather than ask Harm to watch the kids so she could do the last errand run to Charlesville, she bundled them all into the car and set off not long after breakfast.

Not realising Mac was going anywhere; Harm returned to the farm about ten and was surprised to find them gone. Deciding against calling her, he collected the folder he needed and headed back to the hangars and office.
"Did Mac say anything to you about going out today?" he asked Mattie as he slid behind his desk once more.
"Not specifically," she replied, looking up. "But yesterday she had said she had some errands to run and so she's probably gone into Charlesville.
"She'll have her hands full trying to do that with the kids," he said, grabbing his cell and wondering whether he should check on things.
"Well, she's a marine, I'm sure she can manage," Mattie replied. "Are you two still not talking?"
"We're talking," he said very quickly.
"Just not about the birthdays," Mattie said and Harm glared at her.
"Is that what Mac told you?" he questioned, dropping his cell on the desk.
"No," Mattie said slowly, "It doesn't take a genius to figure out there is something amiss between the two of you and since you have not mentioned the kids' birthdays once, it speaks for itself."
"Well, we are talking," he repeated, not wanting to explain himself.
"Okay," she replied, not that she believed him.

An hour later, Mattie's phone rang and she answered it. It was Mac.
"Don't say anything," Mac started with. "But is Harm there."
"Yes," she replied and glanced up at Harm to find him involved in a call of his own.
"I need some help," she continued. "The car has sustained damage and I need to leave it in the garage, I need someone to come pick us up. I was hoping Colin could do it but I can't get a hold of him."
"First things first," she started. "Is everyone okay?"
"Yes," she replied. "We weren't in it. It got sideswiped in the car park."
"Thank goodness for that," Mattie replied, not aware Harm had concluded his call and was watching intently.
"Is there much damage?" she asked, playing with a pen.
"Yeah," Mac replied. "Doors are quite damaged and the back wheel has been hit, so it's not driveable."
"I'll come and get you," Mattie said, knowing Colin was busy today. "Can you get the child seats out?"
"Yes, the mechanic said he'd get them for me," Mac replied, struggling with the phone and to control three young children, thankful Frankie was in his stroller.
"Alright," she replied. "Give me a couple of minutes to clear out of here and I'll be on my way."
"Thanks so much, Mattie," she replied. "We'll be in O'Halloran's Cafe; maybe an early lunch will settle the troops."
"I'll be there as soon as I can."

Forty two minutes later, after interrogating Mattie, Harm pulled his SUV into a parking bay near the garage which was down the street from the O'Halloran's. Seeing three car seats near the front desk, he went up and introduced himself. Before long the seats were anchored in Harm's vehicle and he made his way into the cafe.
"Oh, I wasn't expecting you," Mac said when he sat down beside her.
"Daddy!" Harry said, jumping up. "Car got squashed!"
"I know," he said, "I saw it."
"Big bang!" said Rosie, the sound of the collision loud enough for everyone to hear.
"I'm sure it was," Harm said. "How close were you to it?" he asked, turning his attention to his wife.
"Across the road," she replied. "The other car went through at speed and didn't negotiate the corner."
"Would have given you a fright," he commented, his hand running across her back and around her shoulder.
"Yes, it did," she replied with a nod.
"Why did you call Mattie and not me?" he questioned, his voice even and neutral.
"Didn't think you'd be all that sympathetic given we were here to do errands for the birthdays," she said, taking a napkin and wiping Harry's face.
"For future reference, Mac," he said, waiting until he had her full attention. "Regardless of the circumstances I will always care and be sympathetic when it comes to you and the kids. I know we've had our disagreement about this weekend but I love you very much and always will."
"Thank you," she whispered leaning in to kiss him.
"What can I get you, sir?" asked the waitress interrupting the moment.
"Ice cream!" Rose said and Harry copied. "Please," he added, when Harm looked at him.
"Um...three bowls of vanilla ice cream," he said, knowing he couldn't eat anything he ordered in peace if they weren't occupied. "And can I get a tuna melt with onion rings and a coffee, thanks? Mac?"
"I'll have a refill," she said, gesturing to her mug.
"No dessert?" Harm asked and she shook her head.
"No, thanks, just the coffee," she replied, knowing that Harm only ordered onion rings as they were her favourite.

After lunch, once the kids were cleaned and had a bathroom break, Harm and Mac loaded them into the SUV and buckled them in tightly. Moving to the back, Mac folded the stroller and placed it and her purchases into the back.

Stepping back, she closed the door and found she was standing face to face with her husband.
"Just one thing," he said, glancing into the back seat to make sure the kids were fine.
"What's that?" she asked, following his action.
Stepping in, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. "I'm so glad you weren't hurt."
"Thank you for coming to get us," she replied, kissing him back. "Sorry I didn't call you."
"I do understand," he said. Had the roles been reversed, given the events of recent times, he would have most likely done the same thing.

Mac had imagined that with Harm having come to their rescue, the dynamics would have changed things but Thursday evening nothing was different. While they had tried to keep their difference of opinion to themselves, it was the first thing Trish picked up on after their arrival midmorning Friday.
"What's going on with you and Mac?" she asked, cornering her son in the kitchen as he prepared morning tea,
"Nothing," Harm replied, not looking at her.
"Harmon?" she said sternly and Harm paused before turning to look at her.
"What?" he asked, and instantly regretted his tone.
All Trish had to do was look at him and Harm drew a deep breath.
"We had a difference of opinion on how to celebrate the kids' birthdays," he said, turning his attention back to his task.
"This is more than a difference of opinion," she said, surprised they would fall out over what should be a happy time.
"Mom, just drop it," he said, not wanting the whole emotional upheaval discussing it would bring.
"Only for now," she replied as Rosie came running in.
"Grandma," she called, sticking her arms up and waiting to be picked up.
"You've grown so much," Trish said, making sure the child was looking at her.
"Bigger than Harry," she said with a laugh.
"You are," Trish replied. "Let's go see your mother."

With the children busy on the floor of the living room, Trish sat on the sofa beside Mac.
"I'm sorry to hear you and Harm are having difficulties," she said quietly, Frank excused himself, he really didn't want to hear what came next unfortunately going into the kitchen to help Harm wasn't the best choice.
Finding his son leaning over the bench, his arms braced and head hung low, he realised this was more than just a tiff.
"Do you need some time?" he questioned, not too sure what to make of the situation.
"They're turning four and one, why does it have to be a damn production?" he hissed and Frank frowned feeling they may be intruding.
"I think you and I need to take a walk," he said, concerned by Harm's hostility directed at his wife.
Taking the tray into the living room, Frank made their apologies and took the twins with them as they went for a walk through the fields.
"Want to tell me or do I need to ask a lot of questions?" Frank asked as they walked along, their eyes on one twin each.
"Not a lot to tell," he replied, glancing over at his father. When Frank didn't reply, Harm continued. "Mac wanted a thing for the twins tomorrow and a birthday party for Frankie on Sunday."
"And you didn't?" Frank asked, smiling as Harry picked a flower and gave it to his sister.
"I thought we could do it all Saturday ... after all, he's only one, what does he know of it all?" Harm asked with a sigh. "But Mac insisted we needed to have a birthday party for him on Sunday."
"You had one for the others and there wasn't a problem, was there?" Frank asked.
"No," he replied, "But this is different and Mac just doesn't get it," he snapped.
"What doesn't she get?" he questioned. For a couple who were desperately in love, it didn't sit right that they would have fought over a child's birthday.
"That this is different," he repeated. "Hey, Harry, slow down," he cautioned.
"Why is this one different?" Frank probed, taking Rosie's hand.
Harm's response spoke volumes.
"Harmon, why is this one different?" he questioned, not prepared to let this go.

Meanwhile, Trish and Mac were having a similar conversation. It was open, honest and by the end Trish could not see why her son would have a problem celebrating his son's birthday.
"I've never seen him like this," Mac finally said. "If it was anything else I'd probably give in and say fine, but this little guy deserves all the fuss and attention," she said picking the boy in question up off the floor.
"He certainly does," Trish concurred, knowing as well as Mac how much of an ordeal it had been for Frankie and the family during the pregnancy and birth. She took her grandson from his mother. "What's gotten into your daddy?" she questioned.

Late Friday night , when Trish and Frank climbed into the bed in the mobile home, she got her answer.
"I don't get what Harm's problem is," she said as she settled into the bed. "I would have thought he'd be elated about Frankie turning one, just like the others. If I remember correctly, Mac hadn't wanted a party for Lily and he was the one who insisted."
"Think about it, dear," he said, getting in beside her. "Think about it from Harm's point of view."
"I am," she replied, turning off the lamp. "He should be celebrating the fact that his baby boy came into this world a year ago."
"Trish, what else happened on that day?" Frank asked and Trish sat back up and turned on the lamp.
"What?" she asked, curious to know what her husband knew that she didn't.
"He nearly lost his wife," he said quietly. "He watched his son come into the world and then Mac nearly died."
"Oh," she replied softly. She hadn't forgotten that day but she hadn't considered it to be the cause of these problems.
"Yes, oh," he echoed. "Harm loves his son very much and was fine about celebrating his birthday with the twins but, deep down, he doesn't think he's strong enough to deal with the emotions which will surface for him on Sunday."
"Why didn't he explain that to Mac?" she questioned. "I'm sure she would understand."
"Because he doesn't want to upset her," he replied. "Mac has done well in the last 12 months to recover from the birth and the effects of the birth, the endometriosis and hysterectomy. She has had those counselling sessions and has moved on."
"But not Harm," Trish said sadly.
"No, it doesn't seem that way," Frank said. "He spent his energy on looking after Mac and Frankie for the months they had to stay in DC, then on the kids, Mac and the airfield when they returned. Then of course Grams passed, and that was took his focus, next it was Rosie and her problems, then Mattie and the wedding and then, hey presto, he's looking at his baby turning one and it all hit him."
"Oh, my poor boy," Trish said tearfully. "I can't believe he told you all of this."
"It wasn't easy for him," Frank said recalling the conversation. "He feels ashamed of his actions of late, ashamed he can't cope but he didn't know what else to do."
"Is he going to tell Mac?" she asked and Frank nodded slowly.
"He said he was going to try. I guess we'll know in the morning if he has," Frank said closing his eyes.
"I guess we will," she agreed turning off the lamp once more.

Saturday morning saw the excitement of two little four year olds taking immense delight in their gifts which included new bicycles with training wheels, balls, Lego, clothes and colouring books. They wanted their dad's famous choc chip pancakes for breakfast, the recipe had been Grams' but they were too young to know that, and Harm obliged. Trish watched it all and knew nothing had change between her son and his wife.

After breakfast, Frank, Harm and Colin took Lily and the twins horse riding while Mac, Trish and Mattie set up the small family party they would have for lunch. All through the preparations, Trish was desperate to talk to Mac, to tell her what Frank had said, but she didn't. She knew it had to come from Harm.

By the time Veronica and Jessie arrived, the table was set, the decorations were up and the food was just about ready.
"It all looks great, Mac," Veronica said as she placed the napkins on the table. "And to think you are going to do it all again tomorrow for Frankie."
"That's what happens when you have three children a day apart," she replied with a laugh.
"I don't want to think about the future," Mattie said, placing a jug of water on the table. "The twins will turn 21 the day before Frankie turns 18."
"Oh goodness, I hadn't even thought of that," Mac replied. "I'd better start saving now."

Lunch was a chaotic affair with seven adults and five children, everyone ate heartily, everyone except Harm who didn't seem to be enjoying the food his mother had prepared for him.
"Something wrong?" Trish whispered as she leant over his shoulder to clear Veronica's plate.
"Ah, no," he replied, shaking his head. "You sit, I'll clear."

Happy to be doing something, Harm cleared the table ready for the birthday cakes his wife was preparing in the kitchen. Rather than the twins sharing one cake and as she didn't want to have two cakes today and another one tomorrow, Mac and Trish had baked and decorated a dozen cup cakes. Each one had a different decoration from trucks to bugs to dolls and teddies. Each twin had a bigger cup cake with their name and a number four candle.

The song was sung with gusto; Colin recorded it with his new flip cam while Mattie took dozens of snaps. The candles were blown out twice each before the twins were happy to eat the vanilla sponge cake. Games were played and cuddles were given before Harry decided he wanted to test out his new bike and Rosie followed suit.

It didn't take them long to get the hang of their new wheels and while daddy was never too far away, they didn't need him too often. Once again, it was all captured for posterity.
"Is Harm still upset about having a party for Frankie?" Mattie asked as she stood at the sink washing up.
"I think so," Mac replied, looking out at the man in question.
"I don't understand it," she said, shaking her head.
"Join the club," she answered with a sigh, still not able to figure out her husband. Trish had to bite her tongue; such was her desire to help Mac understand it.

After a day of festivities and food, it was no surprise to Mac that she had five tired children in the house. With Jessie coming back the following day for Frankie's birthday, she had invited herself to stay over and it was only 7:30 when Harm was carrying her up the stairs to bed.
"It's so cool to have two parties in two days," she said as he settled her in the bed. "Especially as this is the only place I get invited to for them."

Harm smiled and kissed her head. "I'm glad you're excited, sweetie," he said, feeling for the child. She was a beautiful, friendly child and it annoyed him other parents didn't make the effort to include her. "Goodnight, Jessie."
"Goodnight, Uncle Harm," she replied with a big smile. She really did feel at home with these people.

With his parents in the living room and Veronica gone next door with Mattie and Colin, Harm went back down to help Mac finish in the kitchen. To his surprise everything had been cleaned and put away, Mac was just preparing jello for the following day now she had a bit more room in the fridge.
"Anything I can do?" he asked quietly, not too sure what reception he'd get given things had been stilted between them today.
"No, thank you," she replied, not all that happy with him. "I'm sure you have better things to do."
"Please don't be like this," he protested, glancing around to check they were still alone.
"Like what?" she challenged, not even looking at him.
"I don't want you to be mad at me," he said, trying to get her to look at him.
"I'm not mad at you, Harm," she said, finally looking up at him. "I don't understand you and I'm disappointed in you, but I'm not mad. I just figure it's easier not to talk about this since we're never going to agree."

Harm shook his head and disappeared up the stairs before returning dressed in sweats and his trainers.
"I'm going for a run," he said heading straight to the backdoor before his wife saw his tears. The only thing worse than having her mad at him was her being disappointed in him.

Not waiting for an answer or hearing her protest about the darkness or the weather, Harm took off down the driveway and Mac had no choice but to let him go.
"Everything alright?" Trish asked as she brought them coffee in the living room.
"Harm's gone for a run," she said, busying herself with the mugs.
'At this time?" she questioned. "And in this weather?"
"Yep," Mac said shaking her head.
"Is he still upset about tomorrow?" Frank asked, surprising Trish.
"Seems to be," she replied, handing him his mug.
"Do you know why?" he prompted and Mac shook her head. "I'll tell you..." he said, not wanting to break Harm's confidence but knowing he needed more support than he realised.

For the next hour, Mac was a mess, she couldn't believe she hadn't realised how much distress her husband was in. She had known his response was uncharacteristic, she'd known something else may have been at play but she'd been so focussed on the kids she'd missed it. At every sound she was up seeing if he was back from his run. In the end, Trish and Frank excused themselves and went to bed, knowing the younger couple needed some time to themselves to sort things out.

To get her mind off things, if only for a minute, Mac took a hot shower before going to her room to dress. Hearing something in the nursery as she dressed, Mac padded across and stood silently in the doorway as she watched her husband cradle their infant to him.
"I'm really sorry, little man," he said, the tears on his cheeks evident in his voice. "You must think I don't love you but I do, so very much. You are so special and so precious and I am very, very proud of you." Frankie looked up and smiled at his daddy. Mac wiped at her own tears. "You don't remember your birth but I do ... I remember every single minute of that day and night. You were early ... by nearly seven weeks and we weren't expecting you to have your birthday the day after the twins but things don't turn out how you expect." Harm paused and caressed the child's face.

Inhaling deeply, he continued. "We were both scared, your mommy and me, that it was too early but you were a superstar and only spent a short time in the special nursery before being moved to the regular nursery. We were expecting the NICU and things like that, but you were a champion and I loved you from the moment you were born...actually, I loved you from the moment I knew you existed." He stopped to dry his eyes, Mac didn't.
"And I know your mommy wants to celebrate that, and so do I... I'm just having a lot of trouble doing it on that day," he said with a sniffle. "You see, your mommy nearly died that day and if Lily's dreams were right, she probably did. I've had lots of frights in my life but that was by far the biggest and scariest moment of my whole life. I stood with you in the next room and heard the machines and the staff and I knew it was bad...very bad and I felt so helpless and so guilty. I never want you to feel that way about anything, okay? And, just so you know, I never, ever blamed you...how could I when I was blaming myself? Anyway, it was the worst night of my life, and the best night with your arrival, and I really, really struggled with that emotion...I still do...obviously. It was so long before I knew your mommy was really going to be okay and I don't really think I breathed until I knew... I couldn't – it was like every bit of air had been sucked out of my lungs...I felt like I was drowning in this sea of pain and I couldn't breathe."

Mac sobbed quietly but Harm was too absorbed in his story for it to register.
"And then everything just snowballed from there," he admitted, kissing the child's head as sleep tried to claim him once more. "I tried really hard to support your mommy and you...and then we came home and there was everything here and the new business and then Grams died and that...that...it kills me you won't know her as she loved you so very, very much...and she loved me too and I miss her so much it hurts." He stopped again to compose himself, it took five agonisingly long minutes.

"Then Rosie was sick and now has a hearing impairment and Mattie was getting married and all the other things about life on the farm and I was so busy trying to go forward with things I didn't deal with the past...and when your mommy mentioned your birthday, it all hit me and once again I felt I was drowning and couldn't get enough air," he confessed, his tears dripping onto his son as his body trembled. "And I felt weak and useless once more and I couldn't tell your mommy..."
"Why not?" asked Mac coming into the room.

Harm closed his eyes trying to hide from the truth but he knew Mac had heard everything. Gently, Mac took the sleeping infant from his arms and settled him in the crib before standing in front of him.
"Harm," she said quietly, sitting across his lap, her hands framing his face, making sure he was looking at her. "Why couldn't you tell me? We're supposed to be able to tell each other anything."
"I...I..." he said falteringly as he struggled to catch his breath. "It all hurt too much...I felt guilty."
"There was nothing to be guilty about," she said, her tears streaming down her face.
"There was," he said, his voice catching. "I'm supposed to be the one who protects you...keeps you safe and you nearly died that night and there wasn't anything I could do..."
"Oh, god, Harm," she whimpered, cradling his head to her. "There was nothing for you to feel guilty about...I never blamed you. I love you desperately and it kills me that I didn't see you were in so much pain."
"It's not your fault, you had enough to contend with," he said, his grip on her fierce.
"And so did you but you were there for me...I should have been there for you," she said, kissing his face. "How can I make it up to you?"
"Just tell me you understand," he said with a sob. "Tell me you're not disappointed in me...I couldn't handle that..."
"I'm not ... I'm not... I do understand, now," she said crying hard. "I love you ... I love you."

There were more tears in the nursery and a more when they lay entwined in their bed. Desperate to show Harm how much she loved him and that she was alive and well, Mac climbed on top of him and kissed him deeply before peppering his face, neck and head with kisses. Desperate to be a recipient of that love and display, Harm allowed her to have complete control and gave himself over to her ministrations and deft skill. Nothing was said as she brought him to the brink of oblivion again and again, only stopping long enough to ensure he didn't go over.

She wanted him to be filled with more than enough love to wash away the pain of a year ago.

She wanted him to know without a doubt that she was happy, healthy and deeply in love.

She wanted him to know she adored him, was proud of him and needed him.

She wanted him.

And he wanted her and had her, over and over again until their orgasmic bliss overwhelmed them and exhaustion claimed them. Loved, satisfied and sated, sleep was deep and long. So long that Trish and Frank had all five children up, dressed and sitting at the table eating a cooked breakfast before they even stirred.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Mac asked as she watched Harm's eyes open and focus on her.
"Embarrassed," he said, smiling sheepishly.
"Don't be," she said, caressing his face.
He smiled and pulled her close, kissing her head, just needing to hold her.
"I'm here and in perfect health," she said kissing his chest.
"I'm glad," he replied, kissing her head once more.

Realising they couldn't spend the day in bed reassuring each other, they got up and dressed and headed downstairs. It instantly apparent to Trish and Frank that the situation had been resolved.
"Happy birthday, darling boy," Mac said, picking Frankie up and kissing him several times. "I can't believe you are already one. You are so big and clever and I love you very much." She kissed him once more before handing him to Harm.
"Happy birthday, son," he said, kissing his head. "I love you. You are my beautiful little boy."
"Aren't I?" Harry asked, hands on hips.
"You are my beautiful big boy," Harm said, tousling his locks. Harry nodded, he was happy with that.

Sitting down, Harm held the boy to him and surveyed the room. Mac linked her arms around his neck and rested her chin on his shoulder as she smiled at their youngest son.
"Okay?" she whispered, kissing his head as she reached for Frankie's hand.
"Yeah, I think I am," he replied, turning to claim her lips in a tender kiss,

One year on and things were good. Except for Grams, they were still here, they were doing well, and after his breakdown the night before, Harm was on the way to learning there were some things he couldn't control and he would just have to accept that. More importantly, he had realised that he would have to let Mac help him learn as her love and support were still the most important things in his life, along with Lily and his three beautiful birthday babies.