Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. She owns everything, I own nothing.
A/N: Yes, another parody. They are just so fun to write in this method. This is a very obvious one:
How the Plot of Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Could Have Been Solved Within Minutes
*in the Cullen household*
Carlisle and Edward: Okay, we have not been able to catch up with our grieving cousin Irina. She's very upset, like somebody who sees their new cousin with a werewolf like the one who killed her soul-mate is entitled to be. So far this is actually an okay plot.
Days later: Alice drops the vase, which shatters on the floor. Everybody looks at her, shocked.
Alice: I've had a vision. It's Irina. The Volturi are coming, all of them. In just over a month.
They all gasp.
Jasper: Can we stop her?
Alice: There is no way, she is almost there.
Bella: Oh no, they must have mistaken Renesmee for an immortal child, which apparently I had been told about ages ago but has only recently been revealed in a flashback… Oh my gosh, I've just noticed something. With my vampire mind I take a lot less time to put things together.
Alice: We must build an army. It has to be big enough for the Volturi to hesitate. Maybe, just maybe, then we could plead our case.
There is a long pause.
Carlisle: Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds. The only reason that is in your vision is because we have overlooked the most obvious thing.
They all turn to look at him.
Carlisle: Look, Irina is almost there. Modern technology like mobiles and email are instant. I say we call Aro and clear this up. I know we wanted to keep Renesmee a secret, but there is no way of doing that with Irina. We might as well prevent this being a death sentence for us.
Esme hugs him.
Esme: That is a great idea. Why don't you call him now?
Carlisle goes into the other room and picks up the phone.
Carlisle: Hello, who is this speaking?
New Volturi Secretary: This is Lisa. What are you calling for?
Carlisle: I would like to speak to Aro. Tell him that it is urgent, and I will not tell you any details.
Bella: Carlisle, can you do me a massive favour. If Edward has to go to Volterra to validate the story, can you please tell Aro not to pry into what happened on Isle Esme, and that it is private. Seriously, does nobody else think that him reading your every thought is completely creepy. I'm so glad I don't have that pressure, and I can go back to thinking about what I usually do… pretty much nothing. I interrupt random descriptions with observations about how good Edward looks. Also, I'm worried that Renesmee is growing too fast, which is totally not a problem for immortal children. And that's basically it, except for becoming a vampire which I am now. Seriously, I do not have many thoughts. I can't believe people put up with me for four long books.
Alice: Don't worry, this is a Stephanie Meyer universe. Renesmee will likely stop aging once she reaching the optimum 'beautiful' age, and I can guess this without being able to see her at all.
Rosalie: And they say I'm shallow. Seriously, quit being so finicky Bella. If he wants proof that Renesmee is really your daughter, he would not have to look too much further.
Bella growls.
*in Volturi castle*
The Volturi brothers are in the throne room when Lisa knocks and comes in.
Lisa: There is a call for you, Master Aro.
Caius: This will be entertaining. Everybody tends to forget we have a phone and instead always come to us in some stupidly dramatic manor.
Aro: Some of the guards suggested advertisement.
Caius: Can you just imagine the article. 'Dear vampires, the Volturi have a phone. Please call instead of bursting in and disturbing us.' Whoever came up with that idea should be murdered.
Aro ignores him and takes the phone from Lisa.
Carlisle: It's Carlisle…
Aro: It's been a while. Is that shallow, simple-minded, slow and weak girl that tried to rescue Edward pointlessly a vampire yet?
Carlisle: Yes, Bella is a vampire. She's still all of the above points, except now she acts incredibly entitled as well.
Bella: Hey, I can hear that. Vampire hearing, you know.
Emmett: I dare you to ask Aro whether he is still speaking English, like all foreigners when they are on their own.
Bella: I told you. That is only because people these days are too lazy to read subtitles, or search online for translations.
Alice: Shh, he can hear us. Vampire hearing, remember.
Jasper: Has Irina arrived yet, Alice?
Alice: No, give it about a minute.
Caius: Aro, we really should take the phone back out again, they don't fear us nearly as much if they can't see us! It's insulting.
Bella: I'm also easily distracted, as stated before with all of the interrupting ordinary thoughts with fantasies about Edward's hotness… Who else is there? I don't want the whole of the Volturi coven to laugh about me later.
Caius: Aren't you so glad you weren't able to read her shallow empty mind?
Aro: At times. Now stop bickering and tell me why you called.
Carlisle: Bella and Edward had sex when Bella was still a human. She became pregnant and birthed a vampire-human hybrid, before being turned into a vampire herself. Her daughter, Renesmee, is very advanced for her age and is absolutely no threat to exposure or human life.
Aro: Wow. I didn't even know such a thing was possible. You should come to Volterra at once with this Renesmee and show me her story.
Edward involuntarily growls.
Carlisle: Also, Alice had a vision that Irina is coming to you. She assumes that Renesmee is an immortal child. You will be able to see in her mind that she did not get a sufficient enough look at her to determine that for certain.
Aro: I see. Here's Irina now. Alice is very good. Has she reconsidered the offer to join my guard by any chance?
Carlisle: Her answer remains the same.
Aro: Be sure to bring her with you on your trip here. I will send Jane out to collect you and escort you here. I would like to meet Renesmee and Bella for myself.
Aro hangs up the phone.
Caius: Have you not figured out why it is a good thing that nobody ever uses the phone. Seriously, you mind reading gift does not work over long distances. Do you really believe them?
Aro: That's why I'm sending Jane.
Caius: If you say so. Now, for some light entertainment. Why don't we let Irina in? I feel like punishing someone for the Cullens disrespecting us.
Aro: Well, we need to remain the villains of the story somehow. This story is bad enough with the pretence of villains in it; it's the only deep part of the so called 'plot'.
*back in the Cullen household*
Carlisle: On the phone or not, you should not have been bickering in front of the Volturi leaders. Alice, what do you see now?
Alice: Jane will be here by tomorrow, then we will all follow her to Volterra without a fight. I can't believe we would have spent a month and two hundred book pages worrying about this.
Bella: I know, right. It's been about five minutes. Who wants to play with Renesmee?
Secondary A/N: Sorry, I could not resist making the Cullen 'children' bicker like that. Who likes this? Please read and review. Out of interest, who else saw this as a faster way to solve the problem. It's a story set in... I don't actually know, but at least 2006. Mobile phones, phones, and technology would have been out. After all, Bella looked up the legend of the 'cold ones' online in Twilight. Why did they not use it? XD