In general, I guess you could say I'm kinda numb. I've done just about everything in terms of morally ambiguous shit, you know? I've only ever had one night stands, never a long-lasting relationship. Just sex. I've done a couple drugs in my time. Hell, I've killed people just because I was asked. All of that has desensitized me in a way, making it hard for things to affect me like they should.
With Buffy, I always feel.
When I first met her, I felt distaste. Usually I'm pretty alright with most people because they stay the hell out of my way and I stay out of theirs. I only get in their way if they get in mine, and we live in a nice sort of symbiosis. But when I first met Buffy, she challenged the way I did things. Accused me of excessive bloodlust. And I thought, is this chick screwing with me? We're slayers; blood is our currency and death is our business. She's playing with herself if she thinks any differently.
Though I have to admit, when I first met her, my mind was a little bit blown. I played it cool because that's what I do, but it was the experience of a lifetime. I was used to being the only slayer, the only girl able to face what goes bump in the night and the only one able to save lives. No one else could get on my level. And then I met Buffy and she faced me eye-to-eye on my level. It gave me a weird sort of chill.
And then I started to actually respect her. I would say this happened right about the time when she saved my ass for the first time and only grew as I watched her way of slaying- by using friends and making plans. It was different, but even I had to admit that she had a good system going.
Problem is, I started to have… other feelings around her too. At first I thought it was just because she's crazy hot and good at slaying so I wanted to bed her, just to try it, but I didn't do that. I waited, which is unlike me. Maybe I was afraid that pissing her off by laying her and leaving would be a number one shit-poor decision considering she's the only other slayer in the world. Maybe I didn't want to lose the only person in my life who had started to resemble a friend. But it was also the thought that maybe I didn't just want to get her in bed. And that thought terrified me.
When I get angry and Buffy, it isn't like anything else I've ever felt. It's not just the simple "she's getting in my way" thing. Normally I would just push whoever's in my way out of said way and move on. But there's two problems with using that strategy with Buffy- one, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to push her out of my life, and two, she pushes back.
We are both pretty damn strong and hard-headed too, so when we fight, it's like an explosion of fireworks. She has so much passion in almost everything she does, and fighting is no exception. For me, I so rarely have passion, but she brings it out in me. When we fight, it's not just an argument, it's not just brawling, it's a clashing of passions. And maybe some of my passions are a little misplaced, because sometimes when I hit her it's only an alternative to grabbing her hand to stop her.
It got to the point where I'd been pushing myself to places that were far, even for me. I had made it my mission to destroy the town Buffy lived in (I still didn't consider it my town) and her in it. It was like I was pushing myself as far as I could so she would fight me back with as much passion as I had bundled up inside of me. The only way I could spark something within her was while we were trying to kill each other. I've never claimed to be well-adjusted. I've only ever claimed to be stubborn.
The times we had when we got along were the best of my life. Going out hunting baddies together and dancing at a club afterward to burn off steam? Best thing ever. It wasn't quite the way that I was used to blowing of steam, but it worked for me because the person I was doing it with was actually going to be there the next night and the night after that.
But when we got into a disagreement… it was never small. It was all out or nothing at all.
I have to say that I love every moment I have with Buffy whether we're getting along or just about killing each other. We're both made of fire, and they always say you can't fight fire with fire. Well, we try anyway.
Right now I'm looking at her from behind a window, debating on whether or not to go inside. Whether or not to announce my presence- that I'm back in town. I can't just walk in and say hello. I'm a pariah now. Sometimes I forget that.
I swore to myself at one point that I'd never hurt her ever again, you know. It was after we switched bodies and I got to experience her life for a little while, the life I always thought I wanted. But you know, it wasn't so easy being her either. I learned that it can actually make things harder when you care about someone because you're always waiting to see if they'll get hurt, or worse, if you'll be the one to hurt them.
I broke that promise. And I hate that.
It's not like I want to hurt her but sometimes I feel like the only way she'll look at me is if I'm on the other end of a knife. I hate that I feel that way, that I can't make myself a normal human sometimes, that I always seem so broken and violent. And this time as I sit outside her window I hear her talking. She's with Willow, who's started to become actually useful, a powerful witch. I used to console myself that at least I was better than Willow, that at least I was powerful because I was jealous that Willow got to be so close to Buffy. But I had my slayer powers, and that was enough. But no, she had to go out there and gain powers of her own.
"Buffy… are you sure about this?" Willow asked with a concerned voice. I wanted to shove her aside and tell Buffy to tell me her problems, that I would listen better than Willow ever has. But I know that's a lie. I was always better at talking than listening.
"Do you remember what I said to you back before I ever started dating Riley?" Buffy asked.
I wish I remembered. But no, I was in a coma back then. Riley… he was the boyfriend of hers that I slept with while I was in her body. I cringed a little at how I have gone after her men on multiple occasions but never actually cared for them. Angel. Riley. Even Spike a little, granted before he started having feelings for Buffy.
"Yes, word for word, actually. I think I wrote it in my diary because what you said concerned me so much. Is that weird?" Willow replied, scrunching up her face. I wanted to be annoyed at her for being weird, but I was actually just happy I could hear the exact words. Willow took a moment to collect her thoughts and then quoted Buffy. "You said, 'I can't help thinking… isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but, part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand and hand with pain and fighting. I wonder where I get that from.' And then you staked a vampire."
Buffy gave Willow a smile and I felt a small imaginary stake in my own heart. I never made people smile, not like that anyway.
"Wow, Will, I might be worried about you stalking me or something with that memory of yours," Buffy joked lightly. Willow just shrugged.
"So you're saying you still believe that? And that's why you're dumping Riley?" Willow questioned. I just about lost my balance on the roof and tumbled into Buffy's room. She was dumping Riley?
Now, I couldn't exactly say that I was upset by that or anything, but I was surprised for sure. From what I'd gathered, Riley was a pretty stand-up guy and had a fairly stable relationship with Buffy. And not too bad in the sack either. Why the hell would Buffy be breaking up with him? Because she didn't feel "the fire" with him?
Half of me wanted to slap her for that decision. The other half of me wanted to kiss her. I tried to ignore that second half because that part of me always wanted to kiss her.
I regained my balance and listened to the rest of the conversation. "He gave me an ultimatum. And I'm just not so sure I can live up to his expectations," Buffy defended her choice. Okay, so maybe this Riley guy was a dick. Giving Buffy an ultimatum? That didn't sound exactly like the kind of guy I wanted her with. Well, I didn't exactly want her with a guy at all, but that wasn't the point.
"He only really gave you one expectation," Willow responded softly. I had to crane my neck closer to the window to hear Buffy's next words.
"He basically told me I have to love him, and I can't give him that," Buffy said quietly. I watched Willow embrace Buffy and I sat down next to the window, out of sight in case one of them decided to check out the window.
So Buffy couldn't love Mr. Perfect? Guess she never got over Angel. Some small part of me is sickly happy about this because I already knew she could never love me, but now I know she can't really love anyone else either. I don't get her, but at least no one else does either. But I still can't help but feel shitty when she's sad because, like it or not, I care about her emotions.
I almost wish I wouldn't have broken free from the Council so I could avoid prison. At least in prison I wouldn't be out torturing myself by getting tantalizingly close to Buffy but stopping short of actually announcing my presence. I would probably just be spending my time in a cell, working out when allowed, and probably having sex with some of the women in there to pass the time. It would be simple. And I'd actually be safer in there than out in the open where I face all sorts of demons and the like.
I've actually tried to avoid going out on patrol much at night for two reasons- one, I don't want Buffy to notice a depletion in the resident evil that she has to deal with, and two, I don't want to actually run into her. I'm not ready, clearly.
I jumped down off of the roof and roll to avoid pain on impact and stand up in one smooth motion. I stood in the grass outside the building for a little while just deciding where to go. I guess I didn't make my decision fast enough because I heard footsteps behind me and a voice call out my name.
"Faith," a male voice says. I slowly turn around, afraid that it's Xander or someone that will just yell for Buffy. But when I turn around, it's worse. It's Angel.
"Angel. Imagine seeing you here," I reply, striving for glib. I'm usually pretty good at it. Angel doesn't smile, no surprise there, but he does take a few steps toward me.
"I thought you were out of town, as in prison," Angel said. I flashed him a smirk to hide the fact that I was extremely uncomfortable with this confrontation. Angel was just about the last person I wanted to see right now, mostly because he held Buffy's heart still and I wanted to drive a stake through his for having it and throwing it away.
"Yeah? And I thought you were out of town, as in no one really knows where," I shot back. I hope it hurt him to hear the underlying meaning- me blaming him for running off on Buffy. It was hard to tell because he always wore that sort of angsty expression. It pissed me off.
"Los Angeles. I'm in Los Angeles these days. And Buffy knows that. She's… seen me there," Angel responded. Well that hurt. I had to wonder if Buffy seeing Angel in LA had anything to do with why she was deciding she could never love Riley. "But back to the point. What happened to serving prison time?"
I shrugged, keeping my cool. "I decided I didn't really like the accommodations they were offering. They advertised at four stars, but I would only give them two and a half."
Angel was not amused. Shocker. I wonder if he ever laughed when he was dating Buffy. It had to get depressing dating a guy who had zero sense of humor. But I liked watching him squirm a little, so I continued. "The whole sharing shower thing? Totally not my scene. I could've dealt with that, though, but then I remembered that you can't have weapons in there and I would severely miss my sharp and pointy friends."
Angel's unamused expression had morphed into a glare, but that only made my smirk grow. "You shouldn't be here."
Ah, there's the point of this little encounter. "Right, and you should be?" I asked with a hint of accusatory sarcasm. If he weren't so domesticated, I'm sure he would've been at my throat by now. Instead, he just clenched his fists a little and stayed rooted to his spot, staying silent as well. "You have no right to be here either. Let me guess, she doesn't know you're here? Right. So you're just stalking in the shadows to keep an eye on her without her knowing. You can't come back because you already broke her heart by telling her you couldn't be with her because of some noble lameass excuse. Am I hitting any nerves yet?" I taunted.
His eyes flared with flames and his fists tightened into whitened balls. I could tell I'd hit exactly the nerves I'd been aiming for. I didn't really have anything to be gained from taunting Angel, but hey, it made me feel better.
"You're just as bas as I am, you know? We both forced ourselves out of her life, but we both can't stay away," I said. Okay, that came out less of a taunt and more of a sympathetic line. Completely unintentional.
Angel stared me down like he was trying to get a good read on me. Well, good luck buddy, no one really can. "We should leave. We have no place in her life now."
He was certainly right about that. I nodded once to show agreement and we gave each other one last look before turning heel and walking off in separate directions.
Buffy Summers had a way of working her way so far into your life that even when she was no longer in that life, you felt her lingering presence there. Angel was proof of that. I was proof too. I hate that we have that in common. It's just one more thing. Angel and I both went through times when we killed multiple innocent people. We were both trying to redeem ourselves almost constantly. We're both in love with Buffy and can't get her out of our heads.
At this point, I'm starting to get angry. I can't help it- thinking about Angel and Buffy always makes me angry. So I headed to the local cemetery to wait for a vamp to come out so I can play for a little while. Sure enough, I saw a hand reaching up from a newly-dug grave. I waited for him to rise completely and then I pulled out a stake and threw in front twenty feet away straight into his heart.
As he dusted I felt a small twinge of regret that I didn't fight him for a little while first to burn off some of this anger. I just retrieved my stake from the ground and walked around, taking in the sights. Well, there really wasn't much to see, so I tried to pick out the oldest headstone in the graveyard.
As I played that little game, I couldn't stop thinking about what Buffy had said about her and Riley's relationship, the part that Willow had quoted from memory. Buffy had said that she wasn't sure she could be in a relationship that wasn't based on pain and fighting. I couldn't help an ironic smile at that. By that definition, Buffy and I would have a wonderful relationship because practically all we shared was pain and fighting. Even when we were getting along we were still fighting together.
I hated what Buffy said because it sounded so much like abuse and relationships based on the wrong things, like fighting together or against someone, but I couldn't help but agree. It was exactly how I'd been feeling about Buffy recently. Like all of our fighting was only proof of the passions we felt. Or, I felt. Pretty damn sure my passion is all one-sided.
I think about Angel and how he's been following her just like I have. It's sick that we both do that to ourselves. I wonder if he's been doing it under the guise of "protecting her" like I used to try to convince myself. I laughed at the thought, because that sounded exactly like something Angel would do. Lie to himself when it came to Buffy. That's all he ever did anyway.
I was furious still, so I left the cemetery. It was too close to UC Sunnydale for me, which meant it was too close to Buffy. I would probably just go back and crash at the rundown motel room I used to rent before the mayor got me a nicer place. I'd taken to living there again since it was fairly cheap and even cheaper if I flirted with the owner. He kept hinting that it would be free if I slept with him, but I hadn't stooped that low. I would not prostitute myself. No strings attached was my thing, and getting a free place to stay was a string.
When I got back to my place, Angel was leaning against my door frame. "Oh, fuck me," I muttered under my breath but probably loud enough for him to hear.
"Somehow I think that's a bad idea," Angel commented with an expression that actually bordered on a smirk, which was the closest thing I'd ever seen to a smile on him.
"Yeah, you'd lose your soul all over again. And they call Spike the Impotent One," I poked at him. Gone was his half-smirk. Success. "Look, I thought we already did this whole pissing each other off mixed with some sort of freaky bonding thing tonight," I complained.
Angel just stared at me and pointed at my door. "Invite me in?" he asked.
I crossed my arms over my chest. "I didn't hear a 'please' in there." He just blinked. "Fine. Grow a sense of humor, will ya?"
I took out my key and unlocked the door, gesturing to him so he knew he was allowed in. I wasn't exactly thrilled that Angel now had unlimited access to my place, but I could deal. He wouldn't be one to kill me, not when he had that soft spot for slayers.
"So what's up? I thought we left things alright as they were," I said, flopping down on my bed. He just stood there in the middle of the room awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. If his coat even had pockets. Maybe he just tucked his hands in his coat minus pockets. I don't really know.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you," Angel started. I actually snorted at that and he made a face, realizing his mistake.
"Yeah, I get that a lot… after," I replied with a wink. Angel rolled his eyes at my innuendo.
"About what you said, I mean. We have a lot in common. I know why I'm following Buffy around, but I can't seem to think of why you are," he continued.
I debated on how much truth to put into my answer. I could go for a flat out lie and say something ridiculous, or I could go for a half-truth and say that I just care about her since we're the Chosen Two. Or…
"Same as you, babe. Can't get her hot body off my mind," I said with false sarcasm. Sometimes hiding the truth in plain sight was the best option. I could tell that Angel was starting to get angry with me again.
"Faith, could you try to take this seriously?" Angel asked me like I was a child. I guess compared to him I was, but we didn't look that different in age on the outside. And I could so take him in a fight.
I was sick of people assuming I was incapable of human emotion or maturity. People always assume that just because I'm a maladjusted teenager with a history of violence it means I'm not capable of having feelings or something. Okay, so maybe I perpetuate that image from time to time by repeating the fact that I don't care about things and shit like that… But really, you'd think people would see through that sort of an act. And I'm tired of people being so stupid.
"Why does everyone always assume I'm lying?" I challenged. Angel gave me a curious look but I don't think he put two and two together yet. He would assume the truth absolutely last out of all the options available. Because, really, he's in love with her. He's the one with the tragic love story with her. There's no room in there for me.
Sometimes I wish he'd stayed in hell.
But I can't actually think that thought for long because my damn guilt starts getting the better of me. I hate that I still feel guilt, but the guilt reminds me that, yes, I still am human.
"Whatever. I just thought that if we're both going to be following her around, we could… coordinate to try to keep her safe," Angel suggested. I outright laughed at that.
"I was so right. You're still deluding yourself that you've been stalking her because you want her to be safe when actually you just want an excuse to be close to her, but you don't have the balls to actually approach her," I choke out through my laughter. It's ironic laughter because that's exactly what I've gone through. Except I'm over the denial now.
"Yeah? You won't even give me a good reason why you're following her," Angel pointed out. I let the comment roll over me because I had given him a good reason. It was just one he wasn't ready to accept. To be honest, I was barely accepting it myself.
"Look, Angel, I don't really want to offend you here… well, actually, I couldn't bring myself to give two shits if I do, but I'll leave the sentiment there. But I don't want to go on Buffy Patrol with you or anything like that. Actually, hard as it may be to believe, I don't want to do much of anything with you right now," I responded.
I knew that wasn't enough. I had too give him something. "I'm trying to find myself a little bit recently, know what I mean?" I knew he did. "And to find myself I kinda need to be… by myself."
He gave me a curt nod and I knew we'd reached some sort of stiff agreement. He really hadn't done anything wrong and I knew it. I was just being childish and hating him for doing what he couldn't help- being in love with Buffy. God only knows I could empathize.
"I know we haven't always gotten along, but I'd like to think we at least understand each other," Angel said. I gave him a sad smile because it was true. "So just know that I'm not only going to be looking out for Buffy anymore."
I restrained myself from biting my lip- something I do when someone says something that I actually appreciate as a selfless gesture. It doesn't happen often, but I never really know how to react when it does, so I usually just bite my lip to stop myself from saying something dickish to ruin the gesture.
"Thanks. I won't forget everything we've gone through, you know. You did try to set me on the path of redemption earlier on," I said softly. It wasn't like I wanted to be so vulnerable in front of him right now, but I know he already knew about that bit. He'd been there to watch me break down, and it was about time I thanked him for it.
He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. We have a weird sort of relationship, but then again, all of my somewhat long-term relationships are weird. Well, I can only really think of two that I still have, and that would be with Angel and Buffy. With Angel we have that weird sort of brutally honest relationship with each other sometimes, and the rest of the time I just go out of my way to annoy him. The second part was typical of most of my relationships, I guess.
I inclined my head as a goodbye and he walked out of my apartment, leaving me alone to think about my only other long-term relationship of any sort. Buffy.
We'd never really been friends. We'd been enemies and co-workers and I'd been harboring deeper emotions practically since meeting her, but we were never really friends. She tried, I know, and I tried too. We just didn't try hard enough.
There was always something that kept us apart, like we were meant for a more fiery relationship. One with more passion than friendship. That meant either enemies or lovers, and though I wanted the one, I got the other.
Tomorrow I would have to decide what to do about this whole situation. I couldn't be Angel. I couldn't just resign myself to living away from her except for when I watched her from the shadows. I either had to confront her or leave altogether.
Who knows. I hear Maine's nice this time of year.
A/N: So I started getting into Buffy a while ago and I can't help noticing the Buffy/Faith subtext. I know it never had a chance of making it to actual canon on the show, but the world is left open for fanfiction. This is AU because Faith did not go to prison. All other canon up to season 5 applies for now. So, should I continue?