The Shower Serenade.
Hogwarts, 1976.
Lily Evans was in the shower, showering, when suddenly.
"I'M SINGING IN THE SHOWER, JUST SINGING IN THE SHOWER!"
Could the voice, coming from the wall behind her, which separated the male and female showers, be the voice of Lily's dreams?
Yes it could, if she dreamed of Peter Pettigrew.
"WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELING, I'M HAPPY AGAIN!"
Lily froze, hearing the absolutely horrendous voice assaulting her eardrums.
"I'M LAUGHING AT CLOUDS, SO DARK UP ABOVE!"
And, another voice joined in...
"THE SUN'S IN MY HEART AND I'M READY FOR LOVE!" Sirius Black added. Melodiously. The melody of ten dying cats in a piano. The melody of Percy Weasley singing in the shower. Yes, it was truly that bad.
The awful duet continued. Lily, along with about twenty other girls, decided to throw wet washclothes at the wall to try and make the annoying males shut up. Did it work? Find out below.
Peter Pettigrew was singing away lustily when James, Sirius and Remus entered the bathroom. Sirius, realising someone was singing, thought it an excellent time to show off his baritone voice to whichever girl happened to be a music lover. James could not let Sirius go and sing without him, which left poor Remus surrounded by the awful cacophony of Peter, Sirius and to a lesser extent, James's symphony.
"They love us mate!" Sirius Black declared, as twenty washcloths hit the wall. "Listen to that standing ovation!"
"Their in the shower, Sirius, of course their standing." Remus said.
"And ovating." James added.
Peter sang on "I WALK DOWN THE LANE, WITH A HAPPY REFRAIN!"
"James mate, would not be great if Evans was applauding our magnificent voices?"
"Oh, Sirius, that would a miracle!"
"It would be...magical." Peter added.
"I suppose it is too much for me though. I shall never be blessed with such goodness."
"Do not give up hope James!" Sirius said.
"Guys, does it sound a bit quiet to you?" Remus asked, for indeed, the noise of water flowing through pipes into the girls shower had vanished.
"They must want to thank us!" Sirius declared. So the Marauders quickly dressed, ready to receive the adulation of their adoring fans.
Peter, being the clumsiest, was only half dressed as James headed toward the door, anticipating the glowing faces of the girls who loved the Marauders musical talents.
THUD!
"Ladies, please, wait!" James said, throwing himself against the door. The door rattled some more. "Ladies! You mustn't! Besides, you'll only see Peter!"
"Hey!"
Stillness and silence met James.
"Ladies?"
Nothing.
"Ladies?"
Seeing that Peter was now dressed, James attempted to open the door.
"It appears to be stuck." James rattled the door a little further, and opened it to reveal a chair lying on the ground. Clearly, someone had blocked it off - and it must have been someone who wants to
"STEAL OUR GLORY!" Sirius thundered. James nodded in agreement, whilst Peter nodded because that is what Peter does.
"Guys, I think the girls did that." Remus pointed out. Correctly.
"Whatever for? Are you saying you think they think we are ungood singers?" Sirius asked.
"..."
"Yes."
"Remus, come on, you need some feminine attention!" Sirius declared, and he seized one of Remus's shoulders, James seized the other, and they set off racing down the hall, with Peter pushing Remus along from behind.
The twenty or so girls had split up. Lily was with only a couple of dormmates. They had made considerable distance from the bathroom, but they certainly were not safe yet, for their pursuants, as we know,
were the great Marauders, those with more knowledge of the secrets of Hogwarts than any that had gone before them. And the girls' freshly shampooed hair shone like a beacon to the discerning noses of James Potter and Sirius Black.
"Who are the girls we are chasing, Sirius?" Peter asked, ever eager.
"I can't tell. The scent is too sparse. We'll have to close in. James?"
"Nothing."
Remus, with heightened senses thanks to Lycanthropy, would have been able to discern the various weak odours, but he never bothered to memorise the various smells of all the girls' shampoo.
So, the willing three and unwilling one followed the scent relentlessly, until, whilst running down a hall, James froze suddenly.
Sirius kept running, so Remus, stuck between the two, found himself being stretched as James pulled him one way and Sirius pulled the other.
"James, what is it?" Sirius asked, as Remus gasped in pain. James did not answer, but sped up twice as fast as before, a fervent glow on his face, pulling Remus along and causing Sirius to slightly stumble before regaining his footing and charging along with his best mate.
Peter, having been pushing on Remus's back, was effected by James sudden movement, and without the force of Remus's back pushing on his hands, promptly stumbled over his own feet and fell in a heap.
James ran at least a hundred metres, nearly pulling both Remus and Sirius alone, before he collided with someone and they all fell in a heap.
"Awfully sorry, old bean!" James said with a grin, which slid off his face as fast as shampoo slides off Severus Snape's greasy hair. And it was Severus Snape whom the three marauders were face to face with.
"Sorry about that Snape." James said. Snape, along with Regulus Black, sneered at the three Gryffindors as Peter came wheezing up.
"Could you excuse us Snape?" James asked, as Snape and Regulus blocked the corridor. "Please?" he added, as Snape raised a thin eyebrow.
"No doubt you expect us to part a path for you four loons. "
"Yes, we do. Unless you want to get blasted apart?" Sirius said arrogantly.
"I am quite sure that will be the last thing you attempt to do in Hogwarts, Black. You are in…ah, shall we say, a 'delicate' situation, if, you get my drift…."
The Marauders instantly knew what Snape was on about, and Sirius backed down, fuming.
"Come on guys, this isn't getting us anywhere, lets find another corridor." Peter suggested. James and Remus murmured their assent and turned to follow the already walking Peter, when Sirius noticed his brother's triumphant expression and turned back, eyes glistening.
"You!" Sirius shouted accusingly. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WISHES TO STEAL MY GIRLS AND GLORY! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS TREASON SNAPE."
With that statement Sirius drew his wand. Snape almost instantaneously drew his own, but Sirius did no curse him. Instead, he waved his wand at Snape, almost casually, a plan evident in his grey eyes. Snape stared back at him, tense and uneasy.
"I CHALLENGE YOU, SEVERUS SNAPE, TO A DUEL!"
"I accept!" Snape accepted, readying his wand, expecting someone to begin counting off.
"Not that kind of duel, Snivellus…..I challenge you to a SINGING CONTEST!"
"Oh, Merlin, please no!" Remus begged.
"Are you barking mad Sirius?" James demanded.
Sirius ignored them both. "Who'll be your second?" he asked Snape.
"Regulus." Snape stated. Sirius's younger brother inclined his head in agreement.
"James, will you be my second?"
"No way, never, ever will I subject my self to the absolute ridicule of being heard singing with Snivellus."
"Fine you traitor, I. Shall. Remember. This." Sirius hissed, and naturally Remus thought unfortunate things five years later, but that's not a point for now.
"I'll do it!" Peter squeaked eagerly.
"I shall remember this act of loyalty Peter."
Sirius theatrically bowed to Snape, brought his wand to his own throat and bellowed.
"SONORUS!"
Remus was considering using his Prefect powers to put a stop to the nonsense, but before he could, his eardrums were assaulted by Sirius's deafening decibels.
"WHEN I WAS A LAD I SERVED A TERM
AS DENTENTEE TO MISS MINNIE
I CLEANED THE CAULDROUNS AND I SWEPT THE HALL
AND I POLISHED UP THE TROPHY ON THE WALL."
James and Remus gasped in horror, but Peter, voice equally loud and infinitely higher, joined in.
"HE POLISHED UP THE TROPHY ON THE WALL."
"I POLISHED UP THAT TROPHY SO CAREFULLEE
THAT NOW I AM ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"HE POLISHED UP THAT TROPHY SO CAREFFULLEE
THAT NOW HE IS ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"AS FIRST YEAR I MADE SUCH A MARK
THAT THEY GAVE ME A POST OF SENIOR LARK
I SERVED THE TESTS WITH A SMILE SO GRAND
AND I PLOTTED ALL MY SCHEMES IN A BIG ROUND HAND."
"HE PLOTTED ALL HIS SCHEMES IN A BIG ROUND HAND."
"I PLOTTED THEM ALL WITH A MIND SO FREE
THAT NOW I AM ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"HE PLOTTED THEM ALL WITH A MIND SO FREE
THAT NOW HE IS ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"IN SERVING PRANKS I MADE SUCH A NAME
THAT HOGWARTS LEGEND I SOON BECAME;
I WORE RED AND GOLD AND EMBODIED BRAVERY
THAT I OUTWARDLY DEFIED MY ANCESTRY."
"HE OUTWARDLY DEFIED HIS ANCESTRY."
"DEFFYING MY ANCESTRY DID SO WELL FOR ME
THAT NOW I AM ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"DEFYING HIS ANCESTRY DID SO WELL FOR HIM
THAT NOW HE IS ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"OF ILLEGAL KNOWLEDGE I ACQUIRED SUCH A GRIP
THAT THEY TOOK ME INTO THE PARTNERSHIP.
AND THAT YOUNG PARTNERSHIP, I KNOW,
WAS THE GREATEST ACT ON HOGWARTS SHOW."
"WAS THE GREATEST ACT ON HOGWARTS SHOW."
"AND THAT KIND OF SHOW SO SUITED ME,
THAT NOW I AM ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"AND THAT KIND OF SHOW SO SUITED HE,
THAT NOW HE IS ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"I KNEW SO MUCH THAT I WAS BENT
ON JOINING THE CLUB OF THE ANIMAL GENT.
I ALWAYS HELPED MY MATEY
THAT SOON HE COULD ACCEPT HIS LYCANTHROPY!"
Sirius didn't exactly realise what he had done, but Remus certainly did.
Lily Evans, who had at last located the source of the sound, declared.
"I knew you were a Werewolf James, I just knew it!"
"WHAT!" Remus demanded, utterly flabbergasted.
James put on his best woebegone face. Which he was rather good at, all told.
"You've found my dark secret, Lily."
Lily looked around, expecting to see nods of assent from Peter, Sirius and Remus, but apparently this news was news to them too. To her absolute shock, Severus Snape nodded in agreement with James.
"I stumbled upon Potter while he was transforming. Dumbledore made me swear secrecy."
"Thank you, Severus. Keeping that kind of secret, especially about your bitter enemy, could not have been an easy thing to do, but for doing so, I thank you."
Lily looked absolutely shocked that James Potter would thank Severus Snape. Snape, for his part looked slightly amazed and very much disgusted.
How dare James Potter thank him in front of Lily Evans? Now he could not fight against him without Lily knowing he was the antagonist.
Lily's throat seemed to be dry. Taking a deep breath, she said "I suspected, for awhile now..."
"I understand why you rejected me, Lily, and I can't say I blame you."
Lily grinned wryly. "You think I rejected you because I thought you were a Werewolf?"
"What other reason could there be?"
"How about that you are an arrogant, bullying toerag who thinks he is the best thing to happen to the world. Being a Werewolf makes no difference. Now if a nice guy like Remus was a Werewolf, I would still like him."
Remus tried to keep his face impassive, but he couldn't help smiling slightly. James did what James does best. Or worst - opinion is divided, and pulled Lily into a bonecrushing embrace.
"AGRH! UMFHPH!" Lily protested, and pushed herself out of James's grip and slapped him across the face.
"How dare you hug me? ARE. YOU. MENTAL?" Lily asked, poking James in the chest with a short, sharp nail at every word.
"I've been saying that for years..." Snape said.
"Shut up Snape." Lily told him
To Lily's not so immense surprise, James plastered on his trademark grin. That grin, however, was not because he hugged her, but because she had unknowingly lifted Remus's spirits.
Sirius, though, had no such sentimentality.
"AS I WAS SINGING!" he thundered in Lily's ear, who winced and covered aforementioned ear while Peter continued with their…uhm…singing.
"HE COULD ACCEPT HIS LYCANTHROPY."
"I WAS HIS SO VERY BEST MATEE
THAT NOW I AM ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"HE WAS HIS SO VERY BEST MATEE
THAT NOW HE IS ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"NOW STUDENTS ALL, WHOEVER YE MAY BE
IF YOU WANT TO RISE TO THE TOP OF THE MINISTRY
NORMAL VOICE: (BUT WHY WOULD YOU, WHEN YOU CAN)
ALL BE ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"YOU CAN ALL BE ADMIRED BY THE CLASS LADIES!"
"IF YOU FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE AND
NEVER HEED THE DARK SIDES BECK AND CALL
IF YOU STICK CLOSE TO YOUR MORALITY
YOUR ACTIONS WILL LIVE ON IN IMMORTALITY!"
"STICK CLOSE TO YOUR MORALITY AND
YOUR ACTIONS WILL LIVE ON IN IMMORTALITY!"
"Quietus."
"Oh, brother, what was that?" Regulus asked.
"I thought it was rather good." Remus ventured. "Loud, I grant you, but good."
Sirius smirked victoriously at his brother, and turned to leave with a triumphant air, when Snape blocked his path, cloak billowing in the hall.
"Wait a minute, how can his cloak be billowing when Snape is standing still?" Peter asked.
"Breeze charm." Regulus smirked. James would never admit it, but thought Snape could be slightly intimidating to a poor first year that may have crossed his path at the moment.
"You have been a worthy foe Snape, what is it you are going to do to outshine this musical maestro?" James asked, slapping Sirius on the shoulder,
As Snape was about to respond, a group of Slytherins came around and the Marauders recognised Mulciber, the seventh year who was clearly the top snake in the foraying party.
"What are you doing with the mudblood and blood traitors Snape?" Mulciber asked. Sirius stepped forward angrily but James and Remus held him back.
James seized Snape's cloak and threw him into the Slytherins, who sneered united at the Gryfinndors.
"See ya, Snivellus!" James said, and strode away, with Remus, Sirius, Peter and an extremely irate Lily following behind.
"Potter, stop now!" Lily screamed, but James ignored her. Not even Sirius dared to question him when his face was set in this kind of commanding expression, and they all followed James, Lily fuming, until they got into the common room.
"What was that about Potter? Snape did nothing, absolutely nothing to any of you, and you still bully him like he is a piece of dirt under your boots!" Lily bellowed. Peter squeaked in terror and hid behind Sirius and Remus. "And you Remus." Lily turned to him. "You're supposed to be a prefect! How could you let this happen?"
Remus looked slightly shamefaced, but James stepped between Lily and him.
"Evans…" James saw that this line of approach wasn't working, so he tried another angle. "Lily, I know how you feel about me, and you know how I feel about Snape. But can you see what the other Slytherins would have done to him had they thought he was seen in the company of a muggleborn." The connotation was quiet clear. "They'd tear Snape apart in those dungeons of theirs. You do know, Lily, that Slytherin house is where the Death Eaters recruit strongly from. I wouldn't be surprised if some seventh years are in direct contact with Voldemort. I know Snape is a coward with a strange obsession for hair grease, but maybe, maybe there is hope for him. But he has to change himself. Look at Sirius – living proof that you can be surrounded by the worst of Wizardkind and still come up like he has – loyal, brave and the single most annoying singer who ever lived."
Try as she might, Lily could not help softening her expression, just a little.
"You mean by pretending there was a confrontation, you saved Severus some painful questions later?" Lily asked.
"Yes. I don't know what came over me."
Fin.
A/N: Songs are
'Singing in the Rain' and
'When I was a Lad' from HMS Pinafore. I own neither.