Sub title: I'm writing my own S4, because I am afraid of Fellowes' ideas for my ship. I hope you are proud, Fellowes. It's all your fault.

Notes:This is a WIP, and here, have the (epic short) prologue, more chapters later this week. It will be a longer fic, can't say the exact amount of chapters atm, but yeah, long, because it's everything I really really want to happen after 3x08.

Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey nor Highclere Castle (what would be amazing of course), but I think we can agree that this is better for everyone involved in the show xD

P.S.: Reviews are love!

P.P.S.: I'm not native English, so sentence structure&grammar sometimes... wat. is it. I'm German and had 9 years of Latin, I'm bound to love long sentences!

1st of January 1922.

Thomas stares.

"I mean it!"

Jimmy takes a step closer, and Thomas takes automatically a step back. But the wall is in the way, hitting against his back and allowing the younger man to invade his private space a little bit too much. "I mean it", he repeats. Thomas believes him, not able to look away from the dark blue eyes, and it scares him.

The thought that Jimmy should have waited just as long as Thomas for this to happen, is ridiculous;

because Thomas remembers the days and weeks after 'that night' clearly and in colour. How Jimmy avoided him. How the footman had spent even more time giving Ivy flirtatious looks and bright smiles.

It had hurt, of course, the knowledge that Jimmy had been trying to hurt him on purpose, but it had eventually faded into believing that it was exactly what he deserved for trying to force himself on Jimmy. Ethel had once had to leave without a reference, not even twenty-four hours after inviting a man to her bed, and Thomas had been allowed to stay. People who he had never thought they would had spoken up for him, and he didn't want to waste this his second -Second? Third, or fourth, probably. Maybe fifth.- chance.

And he hadn't wasted it. He had put all his strength in his work, hadn't held a grudge against O'Brien, and had stopped to express every sarcastic comment that came to his mind. Hell, he had even started to respect Bates!

And he had apologized to Jimmy almost exactly one year ago, and since then the two of them had started again. Reserved and careful at first, but during the last months they then have become even friends. Once Jimmy had realized that Thomas wouldn't try anything inappropriate anymore, they had spent a lot more time together than Thomas could have ever dreamed of. Jimmy, Thomas has learnt, is lonelier than he admits and his flirting with Ivy has been just a weak try to forget that loneliness. Since they have started to spend more time together, Jimmy pays less time to the kitchen maid; Thomas can't deny he feels happy about it, but not because of the same reasons as almost two years ago, when Jimmy had started work at Downton.

He is fine, totally and completely fine, with just being friends with Jimmy, because deep inside Thomas knows that they don't have a chance for anything beyond that. Having a secret affair with a man is one thing. Having an affair when you live under the same roof and have to keep it a secret, is the most complicated scenario. And besides, Thomas knows that Jimmy just isn't into him.

Or, he thought he knew.

Until a few minutes ago.

Suddenly there are hands on his suit, carefully, soft. Jimmy is determined and Thomas too weak to stop him. A part of him doesn't even want to stop it, is glad about this turn of events, but Thomas tries to ignore it; tries not to think at all, and to just let happen whatever may come.

Jimmy's mouth is soft against his; not shy, but inexperienced. But the kiss Jimmy presses on his lips is fierce. Fierce and with a demanding passion. His hands pull Thomas closer, one on his neck, the other around his waist, until their bodies are pressed flat against each other. It's madness, Thomas knows that, but the taste of Jimmy's mouth is better than any drug or alcohol, so he gives in and kisses back, soon deepening the kiss when Jimmy starts to moan softly.

He wonders if they can ever stop kissing...

And then Jimmy breaks away with a gasp, chest moving heavily up and down, panting.

"This feels good", he breathes, the red lips inches away from Thomas', which just feel numb without the warmth of another pair against them.

"Huh?"

"This", Jimmy starts again. "I thought it would... Well, I didn't really know what to think it would feel like." He laughs nervously. "But I like it. And I like that we have become friends. But..." Jimmy hesitates, trying to look Thomas in the eyes, what is difficult, because Thomas suddenly can't stand to look at him anymore. He should feel happy about this, he knows he should, after over thirty years alone. But he doesn't. As much as Thomas had dreamed of exactly this -Jimmy coming to him, kissing him, telling him he loved him- the very first moment they had met... Now it just feels wrong. "Just what I said, I made up my mind and I do like you. A lot. I... I might be in love with you, so if you still- I know you said you didn't anymore. Have feelings. For me, I mean. You said so, but if you do have, though, then... Maybe we can try again?"

"Ah."

Thomas isn't sure if he will ever be able to form a proper sentence again. His legs feel wobbly, and his brain is pudding. Breathing is suddenly very hard, and something stings in Thomas' eyes; tears. Damn. Jimmy, of course, notices.

"Thomas?"

A hand reaches up to touch his face, but he slaps it away, and regrets it at the same moment when he sees the fear on Jimmy's face.

"I- I'm sorry", Thomas gasps. "I just- I don't think- I need air!"

More stumbling than actually running he hurries towards the door and outside in the snow, knowing how it must look to Jimmy. Behind him something shatters on the floor, but Thomas isn't sure if it's the vase he just knocked down on his way to the door, the part of him that wanted so badly to be happy with Jimmy, or the younger man himself.

Maybe it's all three.

.to be continued...

JFYI: The prologue is a prologue and so per definition the beginning of a story, but the real events of this story starrt right after 3x08 in the next chapter! :) Also, I SWEAR less angst in the next chapter!

About the time: Season 3 starts in "Spring, 1920", but I don't recall if there were any major time skips until the end of the season (A whole year or more). If there are, then please feel free to tell me! This story builds on 3x08 ending in 1920 as well, and hence the prologue starts at the very beginning of 1922.

For all the cool people: It's also here on AO3, which I use more often (and prefer to) FFnet: archiveofourown org / works / 575971

If you like this work, I would be very grateful, if you could visit AO3 and click on "Kudos" on the bottom of the page, you don't even need an account!