Notes: Would love reviews on this one. :)
Mal and Inara rarely fought anymore. When they did, it was never about jobs taken by the crew. As they spent more time together, they gained a better understanding of one another. Inara respected that although they were in a relationship, Mal was the Captain of Serenity. Even if, when it came to her shuttle, as she was constantly reminding him, he was only the landlord. He decided what jobs they took and where they went, Inara kept her opinions, if and when she had them, to herself.
That's why Mal was surprised when he came into Inara's shuttle late one night. It was a typical night, he had sat down with the crew after supper and planned the latest heist. It was planned with his old contact and friend, Monty. He had explained that they'd be setting course to Salisbury and outlined the work there. They were looking to steal some medical supplies that Monty, a smuggler by trade was planning to sell to clients, predictably communities on border moons mostly. Mal was looking forward to it actually and was cheerful later that night when he headed to Inara's shuttle.
Her question had come to him as soon as he stepped through the door and before he could utter even a greeting.
"Are you avoiding the core planets?" She demanded.
"Well, um... yes?" Mal replied after recovering. "Off the top of my head, um let me make sure I get the math right now, oh right, I can count everyone on this ship who's avoiding the core planets. After the stuff we've seen and done, don't exactly think it'd be a bright move to accept work on Londinium."
I'm not kidding Mal," Inara was impatient.
"I'm not kidding either," Mal answered evenly. "Besides, Salisbury ain't Sihnon or Londinium exactly, but some might call it core...ish."
"It's a border planet at best and you know it."
Mal gave her a look. "What's this about 'Nara?"
Inara sighed. She'd approached this the wrong way. She tried to start over.
"Mal," She began carefully. "I've been getting waves. From clients. They're asking when I'll be available, trying to set up engagements. And I don't know what to tell them."
"Oh." Mal's surprise was evident. He sat down heavily across from her on the chaise as she sat on her bed.
"I didn't know... I thought that part of your life..." Mal tried to put it into words. "I didn't expect you'd be taking clients anymore Inara."
"It is my life Mal," She amended her words when she saw the stricken on his face. "It's my livelihood, I mean. My work. It's the work I trained my whole life for. And I do it well."
"Doesn't take that much skill though does it, I mean if we're being honest here." Mal couldn't resist the jibe.
"Don't." Inara warned. Not angry yet, but Mal knew she'd get there if he continued down that road. They sat in silence. Mal turned to her.
"I'm sorry." He was. "And for the record, I ain't avoidn' the core to keep you away from your work Inara. If I'm being truthful, I didn't even think... I didn't know it bothered you, not working."
Inara came off the bed and sat beside him. She took his hand. "I've been happy with you Mal. Happier than I ever thought I could be. But this isn't about you. I need to work. You couldn't ask Simon to stop being a doctor, could you? Or Kaylee to stop being a mechanic?"
But it ain't the same thing! Mal wanted to roar at her. He stopped himself, with effort. He knew he wouldn't get anywhere with her anyway. He put his head in his hands.
"What does all this mean?" He inquired. "I feel like we're talking about more than a couple of visits to the core here. How does this affect us?"
Inara took a deep breath. "I've been thinking of this for a couple of months. I did think about retiring. It was a serious consideration. I don't need the money, I can choose to take the clients I want." She waved her hand in the air. "But I miss the work, Mal. It's not about sex, it's about helping people. The work of a Companion can be like therapy. It's good work, as misunderstood as it is." She shook her head sadly. "I don't want to lose you. But I know it's not easy for you. Few companions can maintain long term relationships. It's obviously hard for someone on the other side of that kind of relationship to accept. I know it's hard for you. But I do love you, Mal. I hope you know that."
Mal was silent. His head was bowed. Finally he nodded.
"I know you do 'Nara. I love you too. But I don't know if I can..." He trailed off. "We're so different you and I, I'm not blind to that. I don't know if this can work, I'm sorry if it's a failing on my part, I surely am. But I never claimed to be a great man."
"Oh Mal," A tear fell down Inara's face. "You're a good man, the best kind of man." They sat there in silence, both feeling sad and alone. Finally, Inara whispered tentatively, "where do we go from here?"
"The job. We do the job." His looked up, decision made. "It's all sorted out, so let's best get it done with. Then we talk. And we can see about getting to the core a little more, if that's what you need. I just don't know where I can be in all this. With you is what I mean. I don't know if I can do both. You need to give me time to think.
"I respect that," Inara whispered. Her voice shook. "I love you Mal. I don't want to lose you. But if you love me, I have to be me. Otherwise you aren't loving the real me."
"I know Inara," Mal answered, squeezing her hand. He kissed her cheek, wanting to crawl into bed with her and pretend this conversation had never happened. But he got up anyway and walked slowly out of her shuttle, closing the door behind him.
As he walked back to his bunk, it was towards his first sleep alone in months, a lonely feeling. On the way, Mal paused, spying River sitting alone in Wash's pilot seat as she so often did, by herself. Used to be he had sat with her on occasion, talkin' or just staring out into the black. But he didn't do that anymore.
Mal stood below the ladder considering his pilot, wondering what she was thinking.
"You okay?" She asked, not turning around.
I can't even begin to think about knowing how to answer that, little one, Mal thought, wondering if she knew. There was only silence.
"Yes." He said finally, turning away. "Goodnight Albatross."
They'd been together close to a year now.
Mal's misgivings about him and Inara stemmed from her work as a Companion but it didn't end there. She was intelligent and well read and without doubt the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Hell, he liked arguing with her, but some of her opinions when it came to politics, religion really did get under his skin. Inara could speak with an air of superiority, like she had an idea what it had been like for him and his growing up on the rim and fighting a war. She had always been firmly in favour of unification, but her convictions stemmed from a life in the core and relative luxury, where Unification was an abstract concept that wouldn't change her life at all. Until she boarded serenity, Inara had no idea what alliance rule was like for folks on the rim. Yet she had this infuriating way of acting like she knew better. But he had to respect that she had come around a lot in the last years on the ship. Experiences, especially Miranda had opened her eyes to a lot of the issues he himself believed in and fought for. There was some healthy mutual respect there. And love.
When the others found out, Kaylee was thrilled. Simon shrugged, happy but not really caring much one way or another. Jayne asked what the going rate was these days and maybe he could afford it. Inara had smacked him a good one and assured him he could not before Mal could tear a strip off him. Zoe he knew felt glad he had found some happiness. She liked Inara and showed her quiet approval. River just gazed at the new couple. It took a little courage to meet her eyes on account of whatever it was always simmering between them, but he couldn't read her face. She seemed thoughtful. But she'd never said anything. And it all carried on.
if he was honest with himself, Mal knew that the whole incident with River on Paquin had pushed him to Inara much faster than he may have on his own, if he ever would have. If Inara was off limits, River Tam was in another gorram galaxy. After that job, the sight of River gliding around his ship in those dresses and that way about her... it had been so difficult to get her out of his mind. Every time he spoke to her, Mal found his gaze directed at her lips and felt them ghosting their way over his body. And the worst of it was that these thoughts came with the sinking awareness, that sheknew. She knew what was he was feeling, thinking. She had the courtesy to never acknowledge it, which he took as a kindness. But it made him feel worse. The disconnect between his good sense and his instinct was infuriating. River was almost fifteen years younger and him, had a brother who would absolutely kill him if he had any inkling of the dirty thoughts sneaking around his Captain's mind. Not to mention she was a disturbed psychic genius who had only just gained a tenuous hold on her sanity in the last two years. Despite all these factors, he couldn't get her out of his head. And it was more than a little irritating and very embarrassing that he, a grown man, couldn't seem to get control of his hormones.
To cope, Mal adhered to strict rules when it came to River. He refused to spend any time with her that wasn't with other people, instructing her during the day about flying, or about jobs. Instruction wasn't strictly necessary when it came to River anymore, fast learner that she was, but there were little things that came up along the way. Aside from that and her presence on most jobs, Mal largely avoided her. It had made things bearable, but he still couldn't quite get her out of his dreams. Dark, sexual dreams that he woke up from night after night. He couldn't take it.
Inara had been his escape. He'd gone to her one night ten months ago and knocked on her shuttle door. She opened it, joking it was the first time he'd ever knocked. Before she could finish the sentence, he was kissing her. Her arms had immediately gone around him, welcoming, pulling him in and slamming the door shut.
And it had worked. Mal and Inara. He finally had her, the object of his long held desire. And he was happy. If he had partially used her as an escape at first, it didn't change the fact that he'd come to love and respect her more than he'd ever thought possible. They shared something he'd never shared with anyone else. It wasn't just an escape from the special hell. It was damn special. River resumed her place in his mind that constituted crew. And if his gaze lingered at her too long when he wasn't thinking, or if he shivered at the occasional small touch shared between them, it was bearable because he had another woman to love. And what a woman.
Then there had been that night on Athens. With that boy who had been oh so smitten with River. He couldn't stand to think that some rim planet teenager had grappled with River. She deserved so much better. He had seen her leave the bar with the boy and come back a couple hours later. And he knew, he just knew that she had been with him. He knew that it was none of his gorram business. He also felt guilty that he could love Inara so much and yet also feel such... jealousy towards a boy who had laid hands on River Tam. He had been awake all that night, thoughts of that night on Paquin, on that almost unnatural heat between him and his pilot. He had avoided thinking about any of this in a waking state, leaving the memories of River to reside only in his now blessedly occasional dreams. Yet that night, those memories riled him up more than he had been in months. Mal had never felt so conflicted. The next morning, he resolved to commit himself fully to Inara, to shut out thoughts of River Tam from that point on.
And here Inara was, only a few months later telling him she wanted to take clients again? He knew logically that she needed to work, how much her job was part of her identity. Deep down he'd always known this conversation was coming. She'd been right when she pointed out that if he loved her, he had to love the Companion in her. But it still hurt and was hard not to take it personally, that she wanted to actively seek out other people to take into her bed, for pay. As he lay in his bunk, Mal knew in his gut he wasn't the kind of man who could ever come to terms with that kind of arrangement.
His sleep was fitful.