Night of the MARY SUE
(Also contains a helpful hint to survive a rabid Mary Sue attack)
Disclaimer: I own nothing but myself (the narrator) and maybe even the plot, although that I'm not sure of.
In the town of Cantwell, several miles west of Resenbool, the Elric brothers were sharing a hotel room with a new friend that they had met a few days ago…. alright I know what you sick minded people out there are thinking "ooo hot, steamy Elric smex". Here's what I want to say to you... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You couldn't get any farther from the truth. Ed and I get along as well as a cat and a bathtub full of water... or Ed and milk. And Al and I had more of a brother and sister thing going on.
Look, the only reason I agreed to share the 2 bed room with them was that they didn't have enough money for a room of their own, so I decided to be nice and help them out. Anyway, to get back on subject, it was a wet, cold night. Ed was passed out on the couch (I said I would let him have the second bed, but in the middle of our debate, he fell asleep on the couch. Go figure...) Al was reading a book of mine and I was bored out of my skull. I didn't want to read (not that I had anything I hadn't read a million times before). So I decided to wander downstairs, hoping to find something interesting to do or I may have to bug Ed while he's sleeping again (not something I recommend by the way, he has a mean right hook). As just as I was heading downstairs, Al stops me with a look and a question.
Al: Tonya, where are you going?
Tonya: Just downstairs, I'm kinda bored and I don't want to read anymore.
Al: You sure you'll be ok?
Tonya: Yeah, I'll be fine. The only way I'll get hurt is if I trip down the stairs again and break my neck, skull or any other assorted bones. Other than that I should be fine
Al: OO' HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT SO CALMLY!?!?
Tonya: What? I'm the QUEEN OF KLUTZES everywhere. I can trip over nothing and when I fall, I'll more than likely hurt myself or others, just like a few days ago.
Al: Poor brother… that must have hurt when you landed on him.
Tonya: I said I was sorry about that. It's not like I did it on purpose. If I had done it on purpose, Ed would've gotten a lot worse than a bruise.
Al:
Tonya: What's with the look?
Al: Nothing…. nothing at all.
Tonya: Anyway, I'm gonna wander downstairs for awhile, try to keep myself entertained. So if Ed wakes up and wants to tell me something, that's where I'll be. That's even if he can reach the door knob.
Al: That's mean…
Tonya: I know, but I just love it when he goes into "Rant Mode". Its sooo funny watching him blow up at his lack of height. Anyway, I'll see you later, Al. Ok?
Al: Ok, bye Tonya.
Ya know, as I left the room, something told me maybe I should stay in the room. But as usual, I didn't listen to my "Inner Voice". Man, I wish I had listened to my "Inner Voice". Anyway, I made it downstairs without tripping and suffered no broken bones, thankfully. When I got to the lobby, there wasn't anyone there, so I started to look around a bit.
On the table under the front window, I found a book. As I read the back of it, I got interested in it, so I decided to read it. As I was reading, I heard a noise outside and I got up and checked outside. Some strange guy was staggering outside like he was drunk. He kept moaning like he was in pain and I got worried. So, I went out to help him. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know stupid right? But I felt bad for him, wandering out in the rain like that and possibly in pain. When I got out there, I saw something that made my blood turn to ice.
Now, the man wasn't the prettiest thing on two legs, but as I watched, he started to change before my eyes. He started to get, well… sexy. Then I knew something wrong, very wrong. See, I had heard of Mary Sues before and I knew they could be dangerous to any sane person's health. And if you had a rabid Mary Sue…. put your head between your knees and kiss your butt goodbye.
The only way to save you from a rabid Mary Sue was to make yourself look as repulsive as possible. I'm talking, black teeth, bald patches, horrible breath/ body odor and ratty clothes. I knew I was too late to help this man because he had a gash on his arm that was, when I first found him, still bleeding normal blood. But now, it was nothing but blue-silver glitter. When I saw the blood, I gasped. When I did that the man walked up to me, bowed, and then introduced himself.
Man: Hello, my name is Rupert Davidson Winchester Horseherder Von Lightfoot the 3rd. What is a lovely young lady such as yourself doing out on a night like this?
Tonya: Um, just going out for some fresh air, butnowithinki'llgotobednowsogoodnight!!
Rupert: Wait! Won't you stay out with me? Please, stay a while longer. I do so enjoy your company.
Tonya: NO… I mean, my husband will worry about me is I linger outside for too long.
Rupert: Please…stay…..with me… drags me closer
Tonya: No, I need to go now… EDWARD!!! HELP!! SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!!
Rupert: No escape now… YOUR MINE!!!
And that's how I became a partial Mary Sue. The only reason I didn't completely turn was for the fact that I made myself look and smell utterly repulsive. I never saw my friends or family again, for fear of turning them and making them suffer the same fate as I have. Remember, looks aren't important, but personality is. And always be wary of beautiful strangers, because they may be a….MARY SUE!!!
THE END