1 Reason To Breath
You and I had drifted further and further apart. I had made my heart grow colder…. Harder…. Stronger. I have forgotten how good it was since we last saw each other. There's so much space between, I often wondered what went wrong and you decided to leave me.
To me a distance that takes 13-hours difference to travel that's no different like saying forever if you don't want to see me. Why do you have to go without telling me? What have I done to deserve this coldness? Haven't I changed enough for you to make you forget about me?
Yuki. I feel an ache in my chest every time I say your name. The house is so cold without you in it. This has been our home for a number of years. Memories warmed this house. Every nook and cranny of this place have every little reminder of our times together. Of how we have loved and cherished each other. But now, this is just a place where I go home to get a few hours of sleep before getting up again and going to work. I got no one to fix me something to eat. I have memorized the delivery number of the local restaurant right across the street so that I won't keep eating tv dinners or yes, won't blow up the house if I attempt to heat it up. I stopped sleeping in our bed. I made a place again in the living room couch. It's so big with just me in it. And I often end up crying when I reach out and there's no you for me to hold.
I had to do things. I can't live like this. I can't continue to hold on to someone who has no plans to come back. Yuki.
I stand before a door that will never open and still I knock on it for eternity. You will remain on the other side, deaf and oblivious to my calls.
Everyone was surprised when the novelist just up and leave his wife of five years. They are one. Where there's Shuichi, Yuki is not so far behind. The ideal couple. Strong and silent Yuki and bubbly and energetic Shuichi. A match that had undergone trials and arguments. What else could break up their foundation based on love and trust? Unless one or the other broke that oath. Had shook the foundation that holds their relationship together.
There was an incident long ago that Shuichi forgot. That he never thought Yuki would mind. But he did. And he was hurt. He had invited Ryuichi Sakuma to collaborate a song-writing for a big concert happening in Japan. Shuichi had spent countless of hours practicing and yes, spending time with the man that Yuki had felt so insecure with. Shuichi had always thought that Yuki wouldn't mind, that they had been married for five years, and what happened between him and Ryuichi was long past and forgotten. That's what he thought. Because Yuki has been the same, when he comes home, there's food on the table and it's even warm, that Yuki had stayed up that long so that when he gets home he got something warm to eat. And when he wakes up in the morning, his towel, his toothbrush, soap, clothes and underwear all laid out for him, and breakfast on the table and even a thermos of hot ginger tea with honey for something on his breaks and to soothe his voice after long hours of practice. Yuki had cared for him, loved him to the point of obsession. His love was selfless. They had reverse roles since Shuichi had become more famous than the novelist, and Yuki had been a house husband, taking care of things on the home front. Remaining on the sidelines, always a constant shadow in the background. Shuichi had been secure of that love that he overlook everything.
Yuki didn't say anything at all, during those weeks and even months of continuous long nights, long practices and long hours away from home. He understood the work since those days he used to kick him out of his study so he can write. But he believed in Shuichi. And of all the people in the world, in all the billions of fans, Yuki had been the number one silent follower, he had known all the songs his wife was singing, he kept a scrapbook of every little thing. But he never thought that in that one very special day…. Momentous event, Shuichi would forget all about him. Would take him for granted.
The concert was a huge success. Shuichi even won an award. And Yuki waited for his turn. To be thanked, to be appreciated for all his constant loyalty of all the nights he was away and for all the support he had done. But Shuichi forgot. Millions of people realized it except for Shuichi. Until this day, he didn't understand.
"I would like to thank the one true person who had supported me all this time to make this concert a huge success, without this person, I wouldn't be standing here in front of all of you." Shuichi began his speech, the crowd went wild, calling Yuki's name. Yuki was close to tears. He was about to get up to acknowledge his wife's speech. But before he could, Shuichi turned to the other person on stage with him, "Ryuichi Sakuma, you had always been my god, thank you for all the help you did." He said, beaming from ear to ear.
Ryuichi was shocked. He was expecting the same thing the millions of people are waiting for, for Shuichi to acknowledge his husband. Ryuichi clasped his hand with Shuichi and approached the podium. "Thank you Shuichi, I would also like to thank Yuki Eiri who had been with us every step of the way. Yuki san please come up on stage." Ryuichi said. But Yuki's seat was empty. There was dead silence before Ryuichi thanked the producers and everyone so he can drag Shuichi who was panicking now off the stage.
Shuichi blushed and was flustered, muttering an oath under his breath. He forgot about Yuki.
There was a pain in his chest. It was so painful. When the crowd stood up to give the two hottest singers in all Japan a standing ovation, Yuki slipped away from the crowd. He went home, crumpled to the floor. He sat there for awhile, staring at nothing. His mobile phone started ringing. It was Shuichi calling. He came to life. He got up, letting the phone ring. He put it on the kitchen counter and went in the bedroom, grabbed a suitcase in the closet and started packing. The phone rang twenty times alternating with the house phone. But Shuichi didn't know that Yuki was long gone before he reached the tenth call.
They searched everywhere. Yuki disappeared. Without a word where he was going. But it was only Shuichi who wondered why he left. No one had the heart to tell him. They knew, deep in his heart, Shuichi knew he forgot Yuki on the most important day.
Shuichi tried to get back on with his life. But it was hard. So hard. He had gotten used to having Yuki at his side. After two years. He still didn't forget his one and only true love. His other half. He had given up searching for Yuki after months of extensive calls overseas, he found a reservation of a one way ticket to Paris. But to no avail, Yuki is nowhere to be found. He gave up his singing career, and decided to go to Paris to try to find his husband once more. He had taken French classes and after a month had found a job as a waiter. He would often ride his bike around the fountain in the square and throw a coin and make a wish, every day, he would make a wish. Let me find him again. His ardent request.
Little did Shuichi know, after a few minutes, Yuki would walk in and sit there by the benches to have his sandwich when he finished his classes, he teaches writing in a university nearby. And when he was done, he would stand up and toss a coin in the fountain, a ritual he had done for the last two years since he had lived and worked in France.
One time Yuki was talking to one of his colleague and good friend. He often talked about the wife he had left behind. His friend wondered why Yuki had never tried to contact him again. Yuki looked at him sadly, with a sad and pained smile on his face.
"J 'ai fait tout ce que j'ai pu." He said, with tears in his voice. (I did all I could.)
There is a saying about marriage, that's what fate had put together let no man put asunder. It was fate. Fate had brought them together, in all their lives, Yuki and Shuichi are destined to be together. That no matter what happens they would always, yes, always find each other again.
Yuki was invited by Frederic to a café near the fountain where he always has his break.
"Qu'est-ce tu veux boire?" The waiter asked. (What would you like to drink?) At the sound of his voice, Yuki looked up. Their eyes locked. Yuki stood up, staggered back, Shuichi was also staring at him, his mouth agape in shock.
Frederic was calling him, "Eiri? Eiri… professor?" But it all fell on deaf ears. And Yuki ran, bolted to the street, and got run down by a taxi cab.
Shuichi screamed, running to him as Yuki went flying in the air. He landed a few meters away with a low thud, lifeless, not moving.
"Yuki! Yuki!" He cried, as he ran to cradle the lifeless bundle in his arms. Yuki coughed blood, opening his eyes, hearing his love's ardent cry. He reached out a bloody hand to touch his face.
"Y-ou found me." He said, smiling. Shuichi cried and kissed him. When Shuichi checked on him again, he spurted blood and this time didn't respond no matter how he shook him. Frederic ran to them asked Shuichi to hurry so that they could bring Yuki to the hospital.
It was days before Yuki woke up from his deep sleep, he had a severe concussion and broken ribs, he slipped into a semi coma. When he woke up, Shuichi cried. Yuki spoke in French and didn't recognize him.
When Shuichi left to get some clothes so he can watch over Yuki. Frederic walked over to his friend of ten years.
"Why did you pretend?" He asked the blond man on the bed.
"How did you know I'm pretending?" Yuki asked back.
Frederic put a hand on his arm gently, "I've known you for ten years, Eiri. If your wife couldn't tell, I could. Even though it was years we were apart, I still know you better than anyone." He said.
Yuki didn't say anything, tears welled up his eyes. His wish came true. To see Shuichi again. But his wish was not complete yet. There is still something Shuichi must do before Yuki would feel that this time everything would be alright. Frederic patted him on the shoulder.
"I promise I won't tell. Just get well, and get back to the love you have lost." He said, with a smile.
When Shuichi got back, Yuki was sleeping. He took the time to touch him, caress his angelic face. He wanted to know if he was real, that his wish finally came true, that he found him again. There is so much for him to tell Yuki but, he doesn't want to tell him now, now that he doesn't remember him anymore.
The days stretched to weeks, and then months. Shuichi watched over him, coming to the hospital before and after work. Fetching everything he needs. They had come back to square one, this time, Shuichi took care of Yuki. Like it was before when they were starting out. But, Shuichi didn't try to ask him if he remembers him again. He was just so happy that he found Yuki again, that is all that matters. And whatever that needed to be said or done, have to wait until he is better.
Yuki went on with his charade. He allowed Shuichi to take him to his apartment instead of going to his house near the university.
"I'm sorry if it's not much, I'm just a student and a waiter so I can't afford a bigger place." Shuichi said, picking up stuff from the couch and bed. He helped Yuki sit on the couch.
Yuki was quiet, watching everything he does. "This will do. I'm fine." He said. "I can call Frederic to pick me up when he gets back from Germany."
Shuichi fumbled with the dictionary, "Speak slowly, I still don't know a lot of words." He said, scratching his head.
Yuki translated again in the simplest French he could use. Shuichi grinned and nodded. He got fresh linens and pillow case from the cabinet and changed the beddings.
"You can use the bed Yuki, I can sleep on the couch." He said, helping the older man to the bed.
"Just like before." Yuki mumbled.
"Pardon me?" He asked. Yuki shook his head.
Yuki fell in love with his pink haired brat all over again. Shuichi had done everything for him, in the weeks that they were together. Frederic was really in France, he is never in Germany, Yuki had made him swear not to tell Shuichi. He wants to know if Shuichi is still the same. And his friend granted that wish.
Every day, Shuichi would wake up early to prepare Yuki breakfast, rush home on his break to prepare him lunch, and although tired from work, would prepare him dinner. One time Yuki complained he is tired of eating the same thing. Shuichi would work extra hours so he could buy gourmet food next door to take home to Yuki. And when Yuki is done and is sleeping, he would eat stale bread and leftover soup from the café where he works. Shuichi never complained, never asked Yuki when he is coming back to work. He would go out of his way to make it easy for Yuki, would work extra jobs so he can buy tickets to plays and symphony orchestra at the theater. But Shuichi didn't realized that Yuki knew all these things and is falling for him all over again.
Shuichi went home one time to a dark room. He tried to sneak into the apartment quietly, thinking that Yuki was sleeping. Gently, he took an extra blanket in the drawer and put it on top his husband. Brushing lightly on the blond hair.
"I wish one day you will remember Yuki." He said, in their native tongue. "I wish one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me." A tear fell from his eye. "I had repented that day every day of my life since you walked out on me. I had searched for you and couldn't find you. I wanted to find you and tell you how sorry I am."
When the figure on the bed move. Shuichi turned and wiped the tears in his eyes, he was about to walk away when Yuki gently grabbed his arm.
"Brat. I had longed forgiven you." Yuki said. Shuichi turned to his surprise.
"Y-You remembered me." He said, crying all over again. He didn't know whether to jump on him or stay where he was, he didn't know what to do next. So he stood there, crying, calling out his name over and over again.
Yuki pulled him in an embrace, "Come here. I have ached for so long to touch you." He said, and when the younger man landed on him, Yuki showered his face with kisses, both of them are crying uncontrollably now, crying and laughing at the same time. Kissing, hugging and touching each other hungrily. Their need for each other escalating to heights unknown. Then he said his name, it has been so long since he heard it from those lips. Their time together Yuki never called him by name, he is either hey or nothing at all.
Hours later. After a night of heated passion, "Did you know that I was wishing for you ever since the day I came to France?" Shuichi said, smiling under the crook of Yuki's arm.
"I never knew why I really went away, I never thought I would longed for you so much. But it was already too late to go back, you have hurt me so much." Yuki said, quietly.
"I'm so sorry Yuki. You were always there, always at my side. That I overlooked you, or I was too confident of myself that no matter what you would always be there. I had put you so close to me, that I forgot that you were right in front of me all along." Shuichi said.
"Thank you." Yuki said, smiling, his wish finally completes, Shuichi admitted his long time mistake.
"You're welcome." Shuichi said, and leaned over him, "But you missed a spot." He said, and leaned over and kissed his new-found husband. When he felt the returned heated passion, his lips curved into a smile against his, "Much better."
"I haven't been able to find my balance since I left you. There is a feeling that is something is missing when I left. Not until I saw you at the café, I couldn't believe my eyes, that it was all surreal." Touching his pink hair. "There you were, my life…. The meaning of my life. You know how I am but you came for me. You tried to find me."
"I could never be complete without you, Yuki." He said.
They talked all night until they ran out of things to talk about. They planned to go back home, but not until later. They are starting a new life now, a new chapter in their lives. So they planned a honeymoon in an unchartered place in Paris…. Shuichi's apartment. Where love has once again blossomed to unexpected proportion.
Shuichi had taken everything away, the hurt, the pain...The emptiness that threatened to consume him. All of it is gone, with just his kisses, his embraces, the touch of his skin on mine. Everything is clear now, like the smile on his face as Yuki makes their bodies one. Yuki felt an ache in his chest, I love this person so much that sometimes I can't breathe. I never thought love could be that way. I never thought that love could completely make me whole just being with Shuichi.
"Mine." I whispered at the crook of his neck. "All mine." I said, possessively. And as bodies touched, so did the rings on our finger, a promised that sealed our love, a circle that completed us and made us whole…and one.
2 Menage A Trois
"I thought you said we are going somewhere over the weekend?" I asked, a little hurt.
I had a memory flashback of how we were before when we were living together in Japan. I fought for his attention when he was the lead singer of the popular boy band. Now, he's got a new set of friends, and enrolled in a music school and as popular as ever. I'm still a professor at the university. We decided to move in at my studio since my place is bigger. Now here we are again, back to how it was then. He may not be a singer now, but still, I need to vie for his attention.
"I'm sorry, Yuki. I promised Monique I would go drop by her place." He said, without any guilt, he leaned down, grab a toast and gave me a smack on my cheek. "Adieu, see you later." (Goodbye) Running out the door.
Frederic popped in early in the afternoon with a bottle of wine and a tin of caviar. "Eiri, I'm back. Bearing gifts." He called from the door.
"Frederic!" I was happy to see him, he approached me and kissed both my cheeks and I kissed back, really glad to see him.
Frederic looked around. "So where is the brat ?" He asked, and chuckled, imitating Yuki's term of affection.
Yuki let out a sigh, closing the book he was reading, "Je ne sais pas." He replied. (I don't know)
"Est ce que tu l'as vu?" (Have you seen him?) Frederic asked worriedly.
Yuki got his cigarette and Frederic poured two glasses of wine.
"He said he is going to his classmate's house after school but he would be back soon. He hasn't come home yet." Yuki said, resigned, sitting down again and attacking his work. He was pissed but he didn't want to show Frederic.
But Frederic already knew. Eiri Uesugi hasn't changed. Even way back then when they were kids, he's still needy, clingy and possessive. He is so handsome, everyone admires him but, only a few people know what he is really like. How insecure he was. He clings to the people he loves. His tutor, his brother-in-law, him and now, this partner, his cohabit partner. Everyone mistook their relationship before, everyone who knows Eiri then, knows he doesn't care for gender. As long as he likes the person, that's all that matters.
Frederic walked over to him and handed him the other glass of wine. Yuki finished it with one gulped. Frederic laughed and poured him another. Yes, Eiri has never changed.
When the sun went down over the horizon, the two friends finished two bottles of wine. Frederic was helping Yuki on the couch.
"I told you, you should eat first. You're always been so stubborn." He said, "Whoa!" Almost sliding, feeling a little tipsy himself, almost landing on top of the blond.
Yuki was passed out, Frederic stopped and looked at Yuki. "Eiri?" He called, slapping his face gently, he chuckled when the blond only let out a groan.
Frederic trailed his fingers slowly on his friend's face. He never really looked at Yuki up close, now seeing him drunk and sexy, his shirt open dangerously. He didn't know if it's the wine or the man lying there seducing him quietly. He trailed his fingers down the neck, shoulder and chest. Yuki shifted and moaned, his face now inches away from Frederic. Frederic couldn't resist. He leaned down and was about to kiss the sleeping blond.
"Yuki, I'm ho-" Shuichi called out, and was frozen in place when he saw Frederic leaning over Yuki, his bag dropped to the floor.
Frederic almost stumbled when he got up, his face hot and red, he cleared his throat and fixed the collar of his shirt.
"Oh, Shindou. I just got back. Eiri and I were drinking some wine while waiting for you, your husband got drunk so I helped him on the couch." He said, avoiding his gaze. Frederic calls him by his maiden name since Shuichi is too tongue twister for his French tongue.
Shuichi was quiet, looking at his husband sprawled on the couch, unconscious. He didn't reply. But he fisted his hand, wanting to punch Frederic if he thinks he saw what he thinks he saw.
"I better get going now. He was waiting for you, a little grumpy because he was expecting you guys to go out this weekend." He said, grabbing his coat by the door.
Shuichi stopped when he heard what Frederic said. It was his fault again. So, drained, he just let Frederic walked out the door without a word or a backward glance.
He got a basin of water, a towel and a change of shirt for his husband. Yuki has always attended to him. Always. And this time he wants to do his duty as a wife. Shuichi always felt like he was the older one, since sometimes Yuki behaves like a child instead of a grown man. But other than that, Yuki is responsible and mature.
He wiped his face gently, eliciting a moan from the man, changing his shirt. When those eyes opened and locked on to him, he already prepared himself how to deal with him.
"Hi. Are you hungry? Frederic already left he needs to be somewhere." Shuichi said calmly.
Yuki didn't say anything, got up with a groan. He staggered to the bedroom, swatting the other man's hand when Shuichi tries to help him.
So here were are again. Back where it began. The good thing that the house was big, we danced around each other, avoiding each other. You changed your schedule, I changed mine. So whenever you arrive from school, I'm already in bed sleeping. When you wake up in the morning, I already left and was already at the university having my coffee. This is not how I wanted it to be. But I couldn't help it. One day, I just woke up and said to myself that I'm tired of this setup. All I'm waiting for is for you to tell me that you are moving out.
"Qu'est-ce qu'ill tu fait?" (What has he done?) Frederic asked, when he noticed that Yuki had been staying later and later at the university. And he even spends some of his weekend at the library.
"None of your business." The blond spurted out angrily, grabbing his coat and storming out of the room.
Frederic dropped in at the café where Shuichi work, wanting to talk to the boy. Shuichi tried to avoid him but Frederic grabbed his arm gently.
"Please, I need to talk to you about Eiri." He said, his eyes pleading.
"I got work." Shuichi replied, abruptly.
He didn't want to get mad at Yuki, he knows his partner wouldn't start having an affair with another man, no matter how angry they get at each other. It's this guy.
"I will wait." He said, his eyes pleading. "For Yuki."
I was a little taken aback. He never calls him by that name before. This man knows the real Yuki, he grew up with my partner. I was really jealous of him at first because he knows a lot about Yuki and judging from their relationship now, since they are older, they have grown closer. I couldn't erase the memory of him leaning over Yuki, I wanted to know if he took advantage of Yuki that time. If I walked in too late or did I walked in just in time. I nodded and walked away.
I was tired, on my feet the whole day. I wanted to go home. But I don't want to go home to an empty, dark house. Plus, I don't like the company right now.
"Yuki Eiri is mine, you got that?" Those are my first words to him, thumping a hand hard on his chest.
I was hungry and worn out. I wanted to approach Yuki and tell him I'm sorry. But he was avoiding me. And this Frenchman is no help at all. I want to deck him.
"Understood." He said.
Frederic's eyes were sad when he looked at Shuichi. That quieted down the pink-haired wonder.
"He has been acting weird lately, even at work. I tried to get him to talk a lot of times but he always brushes me off." Frederic began, he fished out his smokes from his pocket. And Shuichi noted that his hands were shaking.
"I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I was drunk. I should be telling Eiri this but I was too afraid what he would say. Nothing happened." He continued, letting out a relieved sigh.
Shuichi just looked at him, too shock to react.
"I was thinking if he saw me or not. I know he was more drunk than I am and he passed out when I dumped him on the couch. And you walked in while I was about to attempt to kiss him." Frederic said.
"But if he saw you, he would have smacked you by now." Shuichi said.
Frederic blew out smokes. The boy was right. Yuki is not for one to talk but he let his fist do the talking for him.
Shuichi got his backpack, ready to call it a night. Knowing he will go home to an empty house or a dark house if Yuki is already sleeping. Frederic looks up.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"Home. I'm tired and hungry." Shuichi replied.
Frederic smiled, "Come with me, I will treat you to a home cook meal. I know Eiri hasn't been cooking for you lately." He said, with a smile. "It's the least I could do for the trouble. Don't worry about Eiri, he will come around."
Shuichi showed him the bag of leftovers. "No, merci. I got food." He said. (Thanks)
"No, I insist. I make a mean spaghetti and carbonarra." He said, tugging on the arm of the pink-haired wonder, and Shuichi let himself be dragged.
When they got Frederic's place. He was surprised to see that its almost identical as Yuki's, bookshelves lined the walls, paintings, pricey décor. A rich bachelor pad.
Shuichi wasn't surprised when Frederic served the meal with wine. He asked for a soda instead. But Frederic insisted, pouring two glasses of wine.
"No, tonight we both drink." He said.
Shuichi didn't anticipate that he would get drunk and sleepy from just two glasses of wine. But he didn't know that Frederic planned it all along. He put a blanket on his uninvited guest and turned off the light after grabbing something from Shuichi's bag.
Shuichi woke up the next day with a headache, probably because he wasn't sleeping in his own bed that he woke up right on time. Yuki doesn't wake him anymore either so he's got three alarm clocks by his bedside to wake him. He was a little confused when he sat up, wondering where he was, and then he remembered and bolted up. Looking for his host. But he already left, and Shuichi found a note on his bag.
'…. I didn't have the heart to wake you, you look so tired. I packed your lunch, some left over from last night. Please take it. And thank you for the nice chat last night….'
Shuichi grabbed his bag and the lunch, stuffing the note in his pocket. He was worried that Yuki would think differently when he didn't come home last night. But, when he was putting on his shoes. He stopped. No. He said to himself. Yuki stopped that a long time ago. He had stopped caring for me since I had been abusing his patience ever since we were in Japan. He said to himself. He was so emotionally drained that he called in sick for work and school. He dragged himself home and lay down all day.
Frederic knocked on Yuki's office door, "Professor, how about lunch?" He asked, peering in. Yuki ignored him.
Frederic knows he would do that so he walked in, earning a glare from the man, placed a book on his desk.
"Oh, forgive me, please give this to Shindou, he dropped it last night when he was over my place." Frederic said, with a smile.
He earned a scowl from the blond, as Yuki abruptly got up from his chair, color drained from his face. "Give it to him yourself." He muttered before walking out with those killer eyes stabbing him.
Frederic smiled. Score one. He grabbed the book again.
Yuki cut his afternoon classes. He feigned a migraine, but he knew that one is about to come with all this stress happening between him and Shuichi. He was surprised when he got home that Shuichi is there, sleeping. He sat on the opposite side of the bed, about to wake him when he saw a paper next to the sleeping figure. He picked it up. It was Frederic's handwriting. So, his friend wasn't lying, Shuichi was there. He put it back where he found it.
He didn't plan it to last this long, he was ready to give in and talk to him. But after this, he changed his mind. He got up from the bed and grabbed his suitcase and started packing. He was on his way to the airport when he called the university, saying that there is an emergency that he needed to leave the country. Like the last time, Yuki is running away again. And yes, like the last time, he didn't give Shuichi a chance to explain or tell him where he was going.
Shuichi woke up when he heard the front door banged. "Yuki?" He called, he sat up. He saw that the drawers were open, the cabinet door ajar. He felt his heart stop. No! He said. Not again! Clambering out of the bed, stumbling on the sheet as he rushed to the line of drawers to confirm the worst. He fell on his knees, all of Yuki's clothes are gone. "Why? Why?" He asked, tears pouring down his face.
Frederic was surprised to hear that Yuki bolted. He never expects him to run away again, he was expecting a fight between him and his partner not this. He got a desperate call from Shuichi asking him if he knows where Yuki would go. But this time, Yuki didn't tell anyone. He can't be found.
There was a small breeze from the beach front, there is a blond guy lying under the shade dozing. Everyone who passed him by couldn't resist to take a second look. A red haired guy approached the parasol, blocking the light.
"So, you're still doing the cat and mouse game, Yuki san." Hiro commented. Yuki opened his eyes, and saw Shuichi's best friend standing there, he sat up and Hiro sat down next to me.
"I'm surprised you called me. I didn't know what happened to you and Shuichi, it's been five years. Lucky for you I'm rooted in Japan and have the same number." Hiro said, fishing out a cigarette, handing one to the blond.
"I just want to know." Yuki began, letting out a tired sigh.
Hiro glanced at him, "You don't need to ask me that. You know how that pink haired brat feels about you. He would never change, he would always be loyal to you."
"Yeah, loyal my ass. First there's Ryuichi. Now, it's my friend, Frederic."
"Wha-" Hiro spurted, his cigarette dropped, almost burned himself. He picked it up frantically. "I know Shui is a little dense sometimes or naïve but I doubt that he would go for a Frenchman. Especially not your friend."
Yuki rubbed his face like washing without water, "I just want him to stop doing that, letting other people take advantage of him and then end up hurting me."
Hiro lets out a sigh. "You know when you ran off to France after what happened before. You broke him. You broke him into a million pieces. He was a total wreck. I've known him since we were kids in high school, maybe you cannot change him for what he is. Maybe he needs a little slap now and then to put him in his place, but that guy loves you, Yuki san. He loves you so much that he's got nothing left for himself."
"You think I don't, Nakano? Look at me now, look at how I am because of that brat. People who knew me back then couldn't believe how much I have changed. I moved my entire universe to be with him, he is everything that I am, my life, my path, my words, my action… my everything. I don't think I can ever go back to what I am unless he is with me. Because inside of me, there's him. Inside of me, there's a part of him running through my veins." He tapped his chest, "Inside here. There's only him." Yuki said.
Hiro let out a chuckle, "So what do you need me for? Since you already know your answer." He got up, slap Yuki on the shoulder, "Go back to France, straighten it out, straight him out. Stop behaving like children. Both of you are grown men, married to each other. Work it out like men." And with a wave, he walked away.
3 I Know My Love Can Never Reach You
Why is it when we love someone we always do the wrong things, say the wrong things? When love is in front of us, why do we have to strain ourselves to look further ahead and ignore the person right in front of us? We always say we are trying. We always find fault in someone else rather than ourselves. It's always something else, someone else. Why can't we just listen for once? We talk. Yes, we hear the words the other is saying, but do we listen? Do we hear, do we understand? They say that love speaks in so many voices, in so many languages, and in so many ways, but if you hear it and you are in love, you will always understand. A simple touch, a smile, a look, a kiss… words may be foreign but it conveys the right feeling, though it may sound foreign to the ears, it sounds just right.
I love you that is a given. You can look inside my heart and you know you are there. But why is it so difficult to reach you? To have you so close, that no matter how hard I try, my love cannot reach you, cannot touch you... Cannot consume you. That you will turn away and ignore me. That everything that is not going your way is not important to you. Like me. You could turn a blind eye and look at me, but not see me. I am talking to you, but the words seem foreign to you, or that you've turned deaf and couldn't hear what I have to say, or couldn't understand the words I'm telling you.
No matter how I try, my love can never reach you. Because no matter how hard I try, you will constantly move away from me. You will constantly be deaf, blind and mute when it comes to my feelings for you.
So, I guess, I give up. This is it. I will just dwell on my feelings for you. For all I know, no matter what I do; I know my love can never reach you.
Soft. That was the first thing that registered in Shuichi's mind as his hand touched the fluffy comforter. Moaning, he stretched before opening his eyes, running his hand on the cool, soft fabric of the comforter on top of him. Someone used to tuck him in or put a blanket over him. But he can't remember his name for some reason.
There was a man sleeping by his bedside. Shuichi could see his face; clean cut hair framed his face. A handsome guy with aristocratic features, like some modern day Greek God, Adonis. He couldn't resist. So he reached out and touched his head. The figure moved. Shuichi was curious to see the color of his eyes. It's as wonderful as his handsome features. Blue as the tranquil sea.
Frederic stirred from his slumber and felt a hand touch his head. "Shindou, you're awake. How are you feeling?" He asked in French.
To Shuichi, it was a wonderful baritone as the words slid out of his red lips. He was mesmerized. Who is this guy? Where is he? And… who is he?
"W-Who are you?" Shuichi asked his voice hoarse from his deep sleep, uttering words in his native tongue.
Frederic saw the confusion in his eyes. The doctor told them this would happen. That Shuichi might lose his memory temporarily. Shuichi was lucky that it was only a mild concussion after hitting his head. He looked at Yuki helpless, not understanding a single word Shuichi said. Yuki had just walked in the room with some tea. He almost dropped the tray when Shuichi asked Frederic who he is. Yuki's face was white from fear.
When Yuki ran away, Shuichi dropped in on Frederic unexpectedly to ask for help finding Yuki. Shuichi saw the book that Frederic had gotten from his backpack. It's the most precious one of all because in it were pictures of him and Yuki when they got back together again in Paris. But when he tried to take it back and confront the Frenchman about it, they struggled; Frederic didn't want to give it back. Shuichi lost his balance, slipped and hit his head on the marble table. Frederic stood there for a moment, staring at the pink-haired man slumped on the floor with blood gushing from his ear.
He was in a coma for three days. It took a lot of will power from Yuki not to kill his best friend. Frederic said it was an accident. But for Yuki, he was only trying to find someone else to blame. After a week of brooding, he got back only to find that his wife was in the hospital. They both watched over him. Each man carried a different kind of guilt to what happened. Shuichi was never left alone even in his comatose state.
Yuki's emotions were wired taut. He blamed himself for Shuichi's accident; if he hadn't left things wouldn't be this way. Frederic took the tray from his shaking hands, and sat on the sofa away from the bed to give them some privacy. He wanted to leave them alone but somehow he thought that he might be needed, so he stayed.
Yuki approached the bed. Brushing the pink hair away from the bandage on his head. "Brat. It's alright. I'm here now," Yuki said, trying so hard not to cry.
Shuichi was confused, and he brushed the hand away. He didn't know this man and he was acting so familiar with him. He didn't realize that the mere gesture almost shattered the blond, his better half.
A tear fell from Yuki's eye. "It's me, Yuki. Eiri Yuki. Your husband. We had a fight, and I left. You are in Paris. You followed me here. You had an accident and hit your head. That man over there is my childhood friend, Frederic. He is French and we're both Japanese." Yuki explained. He needed to keep on talking. He needed to keep himself busy, his mind busy to keep the hurt from shattering him.
Shuichi studied the man in front of him. He is very handsome. More handsome than the other man. His voice sent thrills that made him feel all gooey inside. His touch brought heat inside his chest. His husband? He asked himself, "He's gay?" He was so confused.
Shuichi looked away. "Leave me alone. I'm tired," he said, not knowing how to deal with the situation. Yuki nodded. He got some pictures from the night table and put it in his hand.
"This might help," Yuki said, touching his arm lightly. He wanted to linger a little longer but he didn't want to rush Shuichi.
Shuichi looked at the photographs the blond man gave him. There was a picture of Hiro, Suguru, K and Tohma. There was a picture of him and Ryuichi. There were also pictures of his friends from Paris. And yes, he and Frederic. But the rest, were of him and Yuki. On their wedding in San Francisco, Japan and here in Paris. Pictures of just him and Yuki. He felt a tug at his heart when he saw how close they were. And why the man called himself his husband. He was married to him. Shuichi stole a glance at him; he was sitting on the window sill. He was smoking a cigarette, a halo of smoke around his head. When Yuki glanced back at Shuichi, he had a sad smile on his face. Shuichi felt his heart stop. He looked away, sighed. And put the pictures down.
Frederic approached him with some food. "I thought you might be hungry. " Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?" Looking at Yuki to interpret. (What would you like?)
Yuki was about to explain when Shuichi answered in his perfect French that surprised them both.
"Je voudrais un snack." (I would like a snack.) So, his memory loss is not in general but only a portion.
Frederic laughed, "Magnifique!" (Magnificent.)
"Pouvez-vous me faire un sandwich?" Shuichi asked, smiling at him. (Can you make me a sandwich?)
"Oui, pas de probleme." Frederic replied, rushing to the kitchen to do just that. (Yes, no problem.)
Yuki sat back down on the windowsill. His energy felt drained out of him. Shuichi was talking to Frederic while he ignored him. He guessed that he deserved it. For always leaving him behind whenever they had a misunderstanding. Shuichi looked at him, and then he let out a sigh. He was afraid of that man who called himself Yuki. Afraid of what emotions stirred inside of him every time he looked at him.
Shuichi ignored Yuki for the rest of the day. The only time Yuki interacted with him was when he was asked to interpret what Frederic said. But he almost panicked when nighttime came. Frederic bid them good night and left them alone.
Yuki gathered the comforter around him. Not saying anything and trying as much as possible not to disturb him. Yuki made sure he was comfy and didn't need anything else. He took the pillows from the cupboard and put them on the pull out bed next to Shuichi's. So, that's where he had been sleeping all along. Shuichi thought he was sleeping beside him.
"If you need anything, or need to go to the bathroom, let me know," Yuki said, softly, looking at him. He resisted the urge to take him in his arms and kiss him over and over.
Shuichi nodded. "Arigato Yuki san," he said, smiling a little. (Thank you)
That stabbed at Yuki even more. Like he was a stranger and not the person he had shared many years with. He nodded, trying to catch his breath when he felt the lump in his throat. He wanted to cry but he knew it wouldn't do any good now. When he thought that Shuichi was asleep, he rose quietly. Yuki walked to the bar, got himself a stiff drink and lit a cigarette. He walked to the windowsill and watched Shuichi sleep.
Then the tears came, hard. Yuki felt so alone now. He used to have Shuichi there with him. Used to have his love. Everything he did was wrong. Leaving was wrong. Escaping was wrong. Now when he was about to face his fears, this happened. He thought now that all is lost, even if Shuichi gets his memory back, it wouldn't mean that he would love him all over again like before. It wouldn't mean they could go back to what they were before.
Shuichi heard him crying. He wanted to open his eyes and see. He felt a knot forming in his heart hearing those quiet sobs from that man. He had a feeling that this man never does that often, that he was the only one who sees him when he is this most vulnerable.
Shuichi heard glass break and sat up, trying to get accustomed to the dim light. He saw Yuki trying to gather up the broken pieces of glass. He stood up and tried to help him.
"Don't touch it, you will cut yourself!" He warned, but Yuki was already bleeding before he could get up.
"Stay in bed!" Yuki growled. That stopped him half way. Yuki saw the look on his face. "I- I'm alright. I can take care of this. You shouldn't move around too much, you're not well yet," Yuki said more gently this time.
Shuichi nodded and got back in bed. He watched Yuki disposed off the shards of glass and put a bandage on his cut. His face was still damp from the tears. He sat up again.
"Are you okay?" Shuichi asked as he watched he walked back to his pull out bed. He realized immediately that the bed is too small for Yuki, so it must be uncomfortable for him to sleep there with his legs dangling half out of the bed.
"Hai. I'm sorry for yelling at you. There was broken glass all over the floor; I didn't want you to hurt yourself," Yuki said, smiling a little.
Shuichi patted the space next to him. "You can sleep on the other side, Yuki. The bed is big," he said, dropping the formal address. He was hoping that Yuki didn't notice it. But the older man did and he caught by surprise.
"It's all right. Thank you, but I would bleed all over the sheets," he said, wanting to but held himself back.
"Come here," Shuichi persisted, reaching a hand out to him.
Yuki broke down losing his composure. He went to those open arms, not caring anymore if Shuichi slapped him or not. He just wanted to feel him again, to fill up the void inside of him. But the younger one hugged him back.
"There, there now," he said patting blond tresses. "I'm sorry if I was a little aloof, but this is kinda confusing to me. I have a feeling that you are special to me. Just give me time to get used to you again. To remember you. You're already in my heart, Yuki. Just give me time to awaken those feelings again."
Yuki cried harder. That's what he was waiting for all along since he got back. He was planning to beg and plead to bring him back. But everything was happening too fast. When he came back, Frederic said that Shuichi had an accident when they had an argument and he somehow pushed Shuichi away, slipped and hit his head. So he had to wait for his chance to express himself. When Shuichi woke up everything changed.
"J-Just let me stay like this for a little while. I promise I would hardly hold you. Just let me hold you, brat," he said emotions thick in his voice.
Shuichi urged him to get into bed beside him. "You can hold me all you want, just get in bed with me," he said smiling.
Yuki laid down beside him. In the month that they had been away from each other, in those days that they had been avoiding each other, this would be the first time they would share a bed. Yuki laid there and just reached out to touch his arm cautiously. He almost started crying again when Shuichi moved and put his head on his shoulder and carried him.
All the pain disappeared lifted from his chest. When Yuki slept that night, it was for the first time in a month, he slept so peacefully. Shuichi watched him sleep. He looked so young when he sleeps; the scowl disappears from his face. Shuichi touched his face gently to his. Yes he did, because he said so himself. It's possible he could fall in love with this face. There's a different feeling inside of him whenever he's with Yuki and when he talks to Frederic. And with that thought of falling for the same man all over again, Shuichi Shindou Uesugi fell asleep in his husband's arms.