After having been a long time fan fiction reader / writer and short time GA fan (though a huge one at that) I felt a bit of a personal kinship to Meredith and her situation with Derek. That said, this is whatI imagine a journal entry of Meredith's may look like.
--Feel free to leave criticism if you disagree with my potrayal-- ObviouslyI don't own GA.
Have you ever sat down and considered how much time you spend actually thinking about love? I'm not sure I could even properly guess myself, but it's probably some obscene number of hours per year, several years out of your life. Well at least that's what mine will have been. I've spent the better part of the past few months wallowing in self pity, wallowing in my own dreams of love.
That's where I am right now. I've been fighting this internal battle about Derek ever since the whole Addison bomb hit. Trying to convince myself that I don't love him anymore and that even if he were to leave her, I wouldn't take him back, he hurt me too deeply. It wasn't until I had my hands deep inside a man's chest, grasping a homemade makeshift bazooka casing that I understood; my love isn't going away. What's worse? I don't want it to, not at all.
Maybe I'm a masochist, because for the past several months all I've gotten out of this love is pain. Sometimes there are good days, he'll talk to me and smile at me in that combined cocky and dreamy fashion and I'll get butterflies in my stomach, my heart racing. More often than not, however, I'll come home, have something to eat perhaps, then lock myself in my room and cry myself into a restless sleep. It's sick. It's twisted. I really should move on, or at least try to. But the even sicker thing is that I really, really don't want to.
The hardest thing is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't like to appear weak to anyone, and though I know my friends would be there for me, I couldn't stand the looks, and the inevitable whispers. I've tried talking to my mother about it but she just stares at me blankly. The only person I felt comfortable disclosing anything to in a long time, was Derek.
We were perfect together, and part of me still feels that if I just wait then we will be together again. I know I shouldn't wait for him. I know I should hate him for being such a jerk and stringing me along. That's the thing, I can look at the situation objectively but at the same time it doesn't matter. I can't help it. I'm in love with him, and as much pain as it puts me through, I'm willing to suffer through. I hate myself for this fact, yet I know that were he to show up on my door step right now professing his undying love, I'd welcome him with open arms. For him, my arms will always be open.
What I've come to realize about love, is that once you find it, you're so consumed by it that you'll do anything to keep it, even after you're supposed to let it go. Love is the most precious thing anyone can ever experience, its something you look forward to from the time you see your childhood. It touches you in a place so deep and in a way you never could have expected. You find love when you're least expecting it, from an un-likely person, but once you find it, you'll fight tooth and nail to hold onto it, even if it hurts.