"Tegan?" Sara's voice came from the next room. "Where did you put my guitar strap? The one with the smiley faces on it."
Tegan looked up from her enormous pile of post-tour laundry. She didn't like doing laundry in the first place, especially when it all ended up smelling like the tour bus.
"I don't know, I didn't touch it," Tegan replied. She walked into the hotel kitchenette where Sara was frantically searching for it. "Didn't you say you were going to throw that thing out? I mean... I kind of bought it for you as a joke, remember?" She smiled.
"I know..." Sara trailed off, still distracted by searching. "But, I don't know, I like it."
Sara always took small gestures as sentimental values. She still has the cereal box prize ring that Tegan gave her when they were 8, and she still has the stupid smiley face guitar strap. But in some way, Tegan liked that about her sister. How she could turn anything into something special.
"Well hurry up," Tegan shouted after returning to the bedroom. "We have to leave for the bar soon."
"Aha!" Sara said, down on her hands and knees. She pulled the dusty guitar strap out from under the mini-fridge. How it ever got under there, Tegan would never know. Still, it made her smile.
Sara smiled with accomplishment and attached it to her guitar. "Now we're all set to play tonight. What time are we supposed to be there, anyway?"
"Um," Tegan checked her watch. "It's 6:08pm now and we need to be there for 7:00pm."
"Shit," Sara said running around getting all her belongings together. She ran into the corner, throwing her Amanda Palmer tour t-shirt off and rummaging for a suitable one to wear while playing in the small Irish pub.
Tegan walked into the room, mouth open about to say something when she saw her topless sister. She quickly spun around and returned to her room, making sure not to let Sara know she saw her. She leaned against the wall and just waited.
Sara has a really nice body... I've never noticed before. She thought. I mean... Jesus. My sister is hot! She started laughing quietly. But the more she thought about it, the more she found it to be true instead of just some joke. A faint voice broke her thoughts.
"Tee?" Sara said from the other room. "You almost ready? I just need to brush my hair."
"Uhh, yeah. I'm gonna throw this load of clothes in the wash, then we can go." She slowly crept out of the room, inching her head around the corner to see if the coast was clear. Her eyes met with Sara's, she was just standing there.
She had on her favourite old clunky boots, black skinny jeans and a perfectly form-fitting shirt. It was white with blotches of checkered patterns everywhere. She was wearing a black bra, which could be seen through the front on one side that didn't have patterns.
Tegan just stared.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sara said, laughing with a confused smile.
"Oh ya know... just... I like that shirt!" She changed the subject then sped quickly to the single washing machine in the utility closet.
What just happened? Tegan thought as she started the washer. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Just get through tonight without humiliating yourself and it'll be fine. She kept telling herself that.
"Phew!" Tegan plunked herself down on the bar stool at the end of the row. She and Sara just finished their last song of the night. "Whisky sour, please," she ordered. Her forehead was beaded with sweat and her shirt was sticking uncomfortably to her back.
Sara followed behind her, sitting to her left. When she sat down her arm brushed against Tegan's and it gave her goose bumps. Tegan quickly but subtly pulled away.
"Gin and tonic," Sara ordered coldly.
Tegan laughed, "Not wasting any time tonight, huh?" She took a sip of her drink and cringed at the taste. It cooled her sore throat. They worked their asses off tonight and both deserved a drink.
Sara let out sort of a half laugh, half sigh and took a gulp from her glass.
"You... alright?" Tegan asked, concerned. "We rocked tonight! It was a great end to the tour, don't you think?"
"Yeah, no, it was amazing. I had fun." She took another gulp and made the cute little sour face Tegan always laughed at. "It's just... when we were singing, there was this girl in the back of the bar, she's gone now, but she looked like Emy..." Her voice softened with the last word she said.
Tegan frowned. She wanted to put her arm around Sara and tell her it'd be alright, but she knew it wouldn't be. They were together for two years and then she just up and left without explanation. But that was the last thing on her mind. Since the tiny incident in the hotel room, she'd been looking at Sara differently, and she didn't know if she liked it or not.
"Oh, Sasa..." she said, turning towards her, careful not to touch her thigh accidently. "I thought... I thought we talked about this, time and again. What she did was wrong, but that just means she's not good enough for you. You're amazing and you deserve the best."
Sara finished her drink and crossed her arms sadly. She looked cold, but Tegan didn't want to touch her. Instead she got the grey leather jacket she had brought and put it around her shoulders. Sara smiled and adjusted it, touching Tegan's hand in the process; holding it, taking in its warmth. Tegan simply looked at their hands and smiled weakly.
"I know..." Sara said after ordering her second drink. "It's just, it still hurts. I know it's been so long... I mean, it was 4 months ago. But I still see her in my dreams and people who look like her on the street." This time she downed her drink in almost 2 gulps.
Tegan motioned to the bartender to bring another, both for her and her heartbroken sister. She knew that holding hands felt right and wrong at the same time. But Sara needed her, so she decided to give in. She brought her sister towards her and they shared a close hug for a while.
"I just... I don't understand it," Sara mumbled, tracing the edge of her glass. "I mean," she looked at Tegan straight in the eyes. "There's nothing wrong with me!... there's nothing wrong with me, right? Am I too needy? Anxious? Stupid?" She let out an exasperated sigh.
Tegan frowned. "Sara. You and I both know you're not any of those things. Look at me, before Lindsay I wasn't in a relationship for... what was it, 3 years? Sometimes things just don't... don't work." Tegan was trying to soothe her sister, but in the process started to feel a little depressed, herself. She and Lindsay had been dating for almost a year now, and they were happy. She just wished that she could make Sara feel how she felt about her relationship. Sara deserved an amazing girlfriend, and almost no one was good enough for her, in Tegan's eyes. Emy was, almost, then she went and disappeared.
"Tee?" Sara said, looking at the faded wood of the bar top. "I'm really glad you're here. You know, to take care of me."
Tegan smiled and rubbed her hand in circle patterns on her sister's back. "Me too."
"Tegan and Sara!" A booming voice was heard from behind them. They both turned around to see a large man with his daughter who looked to be about 14 years old. She looked shy, but eager. "My daughter just loves your music! Great show tonight, girls, great show!"
His voice carried through the bar like a megaphone. Sara wiped the forming tears from her eyes subtly. "Thank you so much, sir! And what's your name?" She looked at the young girl. She was holding a vinyl copy of their record The Con.
"Amy..." she said quietly, looking at her shoes.
"Well Amy," Tegan said, "would you like us to sign that for you? Maybe get a picture?" Her face lit up, like she hopped out of her shell with the offer.
They all took a picture together, or rather, multiple pictures. But they didn't mind. They also took turns signing the record. "Thanks for buying our vinyl!" Sara added in cheerfully as she handed it back to Amy.
"I like vinyl..." Amy stuttered, almost a whisper. She smiled and said goodbye. They watched her disappear out the doors with her father, but not before he bought them a round of beers.
They turned back to the bar, both smiling. "See?" Tegan said. "Doesn't that make you feel like what we do makes a difference? Who cares if our personal lives are, well, somewhat fucked up. This kind of stuff makes it worth it, I think." She took a swig of beer and looked over to see her sister still smiling. Sara didn't have to say anything; Tegan knew the feeling was mutual.
By 2am they had both had their fill of liquor. They stumbled back to the hotel, supporting each other from falling over completely.
Once they got into the room, Tegan fell face down in the middle of the floor. Sara laughed and went to sit beside her.
"Teeeee," she said as she lay down beside her sister. Her breath smelled of beer, whisky and wine, all at the same time.
Tegan laughed and looked away. "Ah, fuck Sara! Your breath smells like rubbing alcohol!"
"Oh yeah?" She said, grinning maniacally. She jumped on Tegan's back and started breathing heavily into her face. "Smell good Teegles? HUH?" They both laughed and Tegan rolled onto her back, Sara now straddling her hips.
Sara rolled off and they started spooning. Tegan was startled by this, but her head was swimming and she had no will to resist. She snuggled in with her sister, the both of them still on the carpet from the 80's that smelled like no-name cleaning solvent.
"I'm gonna miss you, Tee." Sara said. She nuzzled her nose into the back of Tegan's neck.
Chills shot down her spine and her breathing sped up. She cleared her throat, "Yeah, yeah I'll miss you too."
"But really... I mean, I love touring because it's the only time we ever see each other anymore, aside from holidays." Sara's words were quiet and slurred but Tegan knew what she meant. They were both happy in their own cities, practically on opposite sides of the country. And phone calls could only suffice for so long.
Tegan flipped over so they were face to face. She smelled Sara's awful breath again, but didn't really mind. They stared at each other in silence for a few minutes, but Tegan was unsure what was going to happen next. They both had too much to drink, and she felt strange urges. What sober part that was left of her was trying to claw to the surface, but she wasn't sure it'd get there in time.
"You know..." Sara started to say, "I bet I could date one of our fans." She started chuckling quietly.
"What? Sar.. I.." Tegan tried to get her words out, but her mouth was failing her. "A fan? Really? They would just.. I don't know, take advantage of you I think. I think you'd be good.. be good." Tegan held her gag reflex. "...with someone you know better." The gags subsided.
"Yeah but, not like a crazy obsessed fan, just like someone who knows me and likes me. Skip all that flirting crap." She sounded a little angry.
All of a sudden Sara leaned in close to Tegan, their noses next to each other.
"I just..." Sara whispered, "want someone like..." she leaned in even closer, their faces nearly touching in all places except for their lips. Tegan seized up and tried to go with it. Sara was clearly drunker than she was. "Someone... like..." their lips nearly touching, "Emy..." Sara spat out the last word and passed Tegan's face, falling into a hug and passing out. Tegan's chest fell and she felt cold beads of sweat roll down her back. She closed her eyes and put the world out of her mind.
Tegan opened one eye slowly, a ray of light from the hotel window blinded her momentarily. "Ahhhhhhhggggghhh..." she let out a slow, unidentifiable sound and rolled onto her back, pressing her hands against her face. Her head was pounding with rage, telling her she shouldn't have had so much to drink last night. She shouldn't have done a lot of things last night.
She rolled over to where Sara was sleeping, only she was gone. Tegan sighed, "fuck..." She sat up and rubbed the red marks on her arms from sleeping on the carpet all night. "Saraaaaaaa..." she kept talking to herself, trying to make sense of what happened— or what she wanted to happen.
"Whaaaaat?" Sara sat up in the hotel bed, hair standing up and make-up smudged, sounding just as hung over as her sister. In a strange way, she looked beautiful. Tegan was startled, "Oh.. fuck.. I didn't know you were still here," she sputtered out. "Then why did you call my naaaame?" Sara whined and fell backwards into bed. She started snoring again, almost instantly. Tegan laughed quietly, until she found out that laughing didn't help her headache. She got up, took a few advil and left, without even showering.
Tegan kind of hated wearing her big, bug-eye sunglasses. She didn't like taking herself too seriously, and wearing those gave her the 'I'm a huge celebrity who doesn't want to be recognized' look. But today it was necessary. The sun was much too bright and she was worried that if she was approached by a fan she might come off as a snobby musician.
She found a small cafe, went in and sat in the corner. A waitress came over to take her order. "Just coffee," she said, quickly. "No, no— coffee and a bagel. With cream cheese. Please." The waitress didn't wait for her to order anything else and went back behind the counter.
Tegan put her face in her hands. Her head was at least starting to feel better. She tried to replay last night and make sense of her feelings. Okay, she thought to herself, I like my siste... she stopped mid-thought. I LIKE my...fuck... she sat there mumbling to herself, not even noticing that her coffee had arrived. I am in love... with... she shut her eyes tight and said it one last time. I am in love with Lindsay, she opened her eyes and repeated it out loud. I am in love with LINDSAY. A few people from the next table looked at her, then continued with their meal. Tegan laughed and smiled, relieved to have come to this conclusion.
She looked at her cell phone on the table, it had been ringing for about 30 seconds, but Tegan was too deep in thought to notice. She just stared at it until it stopped, then checked the caller ID. It was Lindsay. Tegan smiled and called her back. It only rang once before she picked up. "Tegan!" He voice poured through the speaker and Tegan had to move it away from her ear so it wouldn't make her headache worse. "It's like, 1:30pm, where are you? We were supposed to meet at 1pm!" FUCK. Tegan had overslept and forgotten. "Lindsay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I'm at a cafe at Main Street and Langdon Avenue, if you want to meet me." "If this is pay back for me not coming to your final gig of the tour last night, you know that wasn't my fault." Tegan threw her head back and slouched in her chair. "Lindsay, please! You know I'm not like that. Just come meet me, I have something to tell you."
Tegan slowly walked back into the hotel room and threw her bag on the floor. The bed was empty. She checked the rest of the suite; Sara was gone. "Fan-fuckin'-tastic." She said, kicking off her boots and falling onto the bed. It smelled like Sara. She went to sleep on the floor, again. Only, when she lay there, she didn't want to sleep. She wanted Sara there with her, to tell her everything was going to be okay. Tears started to form in her eyes. They glossed over her vision as she starred at the generic, eggshell coloured ceiling before finally pouring over the side of her face and falling to the carpet. She let out a loud wail, feeling nothing else could be done with her pain but scream it away.
"Tegan, oh my god, what the fuck!" Sara knelt down beside her sister and took her face in her hands, wiping away the tears. "What happened to you? Lindsay called earlier and said she couldn't find yo-" Tegan put her hands over Sara's mouth. "Don't say it..." she trailed off, but still kept eye contact. "Don't say her name..." Sara took Tegan's hands off her mouth. "Why? What happened? You're starting to scare me." "I loved her, Sara. I was going to tell her that. And before I got the chance... she broke it off." Sara was speechless, all she could do was stare, with her mouth open. "She said that she wanted to travel the world, and I was keeping her here." She started to weep softly, again. "It wasn't my fault..." she put her hands over her puffy, red face. "It wasn't my fault..." she repeated.
Sara ushered her sister to her bed, where she got her a glass of water and put on her favourite movie: Monsters Inc. She got in beside her and they lay there in silence as the movie played through. When it was done, Tegan had fallen asleep, drifting into a world where none of her problems were relevant.
She dreamt that She and Sara were 18 again, both just discovering their sexuality. She remembered when they told each other about their apparent homosexuality. It was like everything anyone had ever said about twins was true; they knew everything the other was thinking. They were sitting cross-legged facing each other in their second house's basement, all dusty and ancient. And at that moment, Tegan knew that she would never be without someone to talk to, to tell anything. It was a better time, when rent didn't have to be paid, and girlfriends weren't so complicated.
But when she opened her eyes, reality came rushing back, flooding her happiness until it was all washed away. Tegan realized that this time, she couldn't tell Sara everything. How could she confess to her sister that she was in love... with her? She looked up, the TV screen was blue and Sara was sleeping as well. It was only 7:30pm, they had slept for four hours.
Sara looked perfect in the soft light of the lamp. A piece of hair was hanging over her nose, and her lips were slightly parted. She was breathing softly; Tegan watched her chest rise and fall in a relaxed state of sleep. She leaned a bit closer to her sister, just to see how it felt. She lay there for a while, their eyes only inches apart. And for the first time in a long time, she felt completely safe, like nothing could ever be that bad. With that feeling, she leaned in and pressed her lips softly to Sara's. It might've been everything she imagined it would be— if Sara was awake. She pulled away and her sister just lay there, still asleep.
"I can be your Emy," Tegan whispered. "And you can be my Lindsay, and we would never be sad because we're sisters, and would never break each other's hearts." She turned over to lie on her back and thought about what she had just said. Eventually she got up and went to go for a walk to clear her head. All these emotions took her by storm the past couple days, and she was feeling more than a little drained.
After she left the room, Sara opened her eyes and smiled. She touched her lips, touched the kiss, and finally knew that Tegan felt the same. She stumbled out of bed and ran after her sister, like she had wanted to for longer than she could remember.