Everything Wrong With "Eight Hundred Legends of Life"
In +/- 153,752 words.
Chapter 1
It is said that when the world began, there were two ultimate beings that ruled over everything—the plants, the animals, even the humans lived in harmony under them. (Alright, we're only one sentence in and I'm already calling bullshit. This is a great start.) They were called Life and Death, Sanity and Madness. (Okay, I somewhat get the Life and Death thing, but since when was living madness? Oh, yeah, this was written by a teenager. I guess that makes sense.) A God of Death and a Goddess of Life. A Shinigami and, less commonly known now, an Inochigami. Two separate beings that could not live without each other. (Despite not being able to live with each other, Lord Death lived for 1,000 years without Ikiru being active. Also, if Ikiru was just going leave, why did she even procreate?)
However, fate did not favor them to reign together in eternity. Eight hundred years ago, a witch who called herself the Spider Queen (So I guess that this is supposed to be one of the MILLION Okami references in this fanfiction, but the fact that she calls Arachne "The Spider Queen" is just a smidgens confusing.) used the power of the sixth incarnations of the gods, Lord Death and Ikiru. (Wait… what? What is this? Seriously, I don't even remember what this was supposed to be. Well, it's been a year, so I've slept about 568 times since then, but still. What?) With the destruction of Death and Madness of Life, she created demonic weapons of insanity and devastation. With her army, the Spider Queen tried to overthrow the gods.
It is untold what happened during the time of war, however, I know how it ended. Ikiru, the beautiful wolf goddess of Life itself, decided her Madness could no longer be in the world. (So Arachne used the negative aspects of life and death to make weapons. But why did only Ikiru leave? I mean, if only one of them had the guts to stay, I think it would be Ikiru. Inconsistency?) Lord Death took her responsibilities upon himself (HOW?) —something no one had ever done for the Inochingami before. Ikiru left. Death was sad ("Oh, did I forget to mention they were hopelessly infatuated like all gods before them, but never pro-created because reasons?" Yes. Yes, you did.), but he promised her and himself that he would continue the world as if she never was. (This sounds like a bad idea! Like… locking up Elsa when her powers were getting out of control! Oh, God, I'm already making a Frozen reference? Jesus, this is going to be a long countdown.)
Tracing the depths of my memories,
I fasten together my crumbling heart, no place left to go
Come here once again and
Take my hand, take me away to the ends of eternity
Dashing forward, I find a way to know the
Future. Time races ahead and
I see tomorrow, but
I cannot hide my heart now fraught with anxiety.
My thoughts I release in a rasping voice
Disappear into an unreachable void; I cannot grasp the heart.
Return the memories I've captured in my eyes,
Believe one day in the future we'll meet again!
(It's sweet that she was dedicated enough to her project to have an opening title sequence, but why "All This Time" by FELT? I guess the lyrics go with the plot, but the sound just kills the vibe I got from the actual Soul Eater soundtrack.)
The sun was burning hot as it shone, laughing, over a small Japanese village. (Starting in Japan cliché. This is actually a real cliché in the making of anime fanfictions, and I'm pointing at the ones where the characters aren't actually from Japan.) The fields of the village, ripe with rice and other food, were surprisingly empty. At this hour, the citizens of the village would rush to gather and harvest as much food as they could, but all was silent. It was as if this was a ghost town. There was no mistaking it. A Kishin was terrorizing the village.
"At last," a voice called into the valley. (Just a voice? Why didn't she just let on right away that it was Kid, who'd come to investigate? Sure, it doesn't look like a bad tactic, but this one line just doesn't set right with me.)
That voice belongs to none other than Death the Kid, the son of Death himself. The teen was currently flying over the small town on his hovering skateboard, his two weapons in hand.
"Hey, Kid," the eldest of his weapons, Liz, said. "Where is everyone? There's plenty of food to harvest, so why aren't they off their lazy butts?" (Okay, did Kid really not tell her why they were or did the author really just make Liz this stupid so Kid could explain shit?)
"For starters, a Kishin egg has been running them off," Kid replied. "Several people have been killed whenever they go near the fields; it seems this Kishin wants them to himself. People have died as a result, and several fields destroyed."
"A Kishin with an interest in food?" Liz questioned. "Don't they usually eat just souls?"
"He must be a big eater," Patti giggled. Kid narrowed his eyes.
"This isn't like what we're used to fighting," Kid warned in a serious tone. (Yeah, no kidding. This is deconstructing the idea of Kishins—this is definitely the work of some powerful animal. Even so, if the village couldn't fight it, students would probably have to come investigate anyway, so why did the author make it this way?) The other two turned to look at him. "Father told me that this particular Kishin… was born from an animal's soul."
"An animal?" Liz echoed.
"It hasn't been heard of," Kid continued. "Animals don't perceive Madness the same way that humans do. They are, to say… accustomed to it. (What, like a sixth sense? I mean, sure cats seem a bit deranged, and dogs are stupid, but… ok, I think I get it. Maybe.) You're as surprised as I am. Anyway, keep on guard and stay in weapon form; we don't know what we're up against."
Evil Brewing; A Kishin Egg Formed From a Wolf's Soul? (Sudden random title, just like in the anime! Shiny.)
Kid landed his skateboard at the edge of the village, facing the dark, creepy forest. The trees were too thick to fly through, so he'd just have to proceed on foot. (Why can't he fly above, then? Sure, the trees would be too thick to see through I guess, but I'm sure a monster would leave some destruction in its path. Besides, going head-to-head with a monster in a dense forest where you can't use Beelzebub is a BAD IDEA.) He began searching the forest for any sign of distress. There were no markings on the trees, no prints in the dirt, nothing even slightly out of place. (Then fly over until you see some distress! Geez, wasting your time…)
"That's weird," Kid muttered as he walked along. "All the animals are gone." (Like when an earthquake or storm hits. I gotcha. But how in the hell would Kid notice this? All animals would have—supposedly, with this world's newly acquired story—sensed Kid coming and would have run. Either that, or come right up to him because they knew the goddess of life liked his father, which never happened in the anime, so WHAT!)
He looked down at the ground. Next to his feet in a patch of dry leaves was a bloody paw print—clearly of the wolf or dog family. He stared at the print more intensely, recognizing traces of black blood on the foliage as well. (This supposedly big, scary Kishin has left nothing but a single bloody paw print in this whole damn forest?) Now he knew he was in the right place. He turned when he heard a low growl sound behind him. He aimed his weapons skillfully, waiting for the monster to show itself. (I remember when this chapter originally came out, it had a Corpse-Party-esque scare in it just then. But I guess the author cut it out because she felt that it was "slowing the story down." Damn you, author. This story is already 88 freaking chapters long!)
The beast stepped into the light, snarling viciously. Kid gasped. It was a large, black, mutated wolf-dog. It was abnormally large, its tail dripping with black blood. (Most if not all people who have not played Okami do not get this reference. Heck, even some people who do play Okami don't get this reference.) The Kishin snarled aggressively and curled its tail at an unnatural position. The black blood at the tip stiffened and slashed at Kid like a blade. The boy dodged the attack and opened fire at his target.
"Kid, focus!" Liz snapped as the blood slicer hit Kid. (Yeah, Kid, you just don't know what you're up against because you don't play enough video games. Get your head in the game!) Kid was repelled roughly against a thick tree trunk. After sliding to the ground, Kid groaned and swayed to his feet.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," Kid lied, preparing himself to fight again. His vision blurred slightly, and he shook his head once. (Death the Kid would not be shaken this easily unless he was fighting against Ikiru herself, not a gorram premature Kishin.) Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a white flash. He lost his concentration completely as he stared at the white entity in a daze. Three white wolves, one with a flaming disk and red markings on hers back, (The flaming disk is a green shield on her back, and the red markings are on her back AND face. If I hadn't have played Okami, I wouldn't even know. Don't confuse me like that.) were running through the trees. Not even Liz's voice could snap him out of his trance. (Even with the compelling power of Inochigami, the only explanation for Kid's lack of focus is that he knows they're connected. Which he doesn't even consider the next two or three times they meet. Heck, even after Ame says she's the embodiment of Madness, he still doesn't consider having any relation to this girl.) Everything seemed to move silently and slowly up until that moment. (Was this for suspense or dramatic effect? Was life going by slowly until he saw the wolves, or is the author talking about Kid getting hurt?)
The Kishin charged at him, bloody spikes being fired randomly and mercilessly in Kid's direction. (Why randomly? His target is standing still in a daze. Focus, you deranged dog-wolf!) He felt stabbing pain all over his body as he was thrown back again. Everything went black as he lost consciousness. (No, duh.)
"Kid!" the girls shouted, transforming into human form to ensure that he was alright. He clearly wasn't. (There is a freaking unknown that just KOed your meister! Run and get help!)
"Patti," Liz barked.
"Right," her sister nodded somewhat seriously and transformed for her. Liz wasn't sure if she'd even be able to land a hit on the advancing monster; it was likely that they could die without Kid being able to help. (You're still not running.)
Suddenly, three white figures blurred before them, cutting into the Kishin and driving it away. They looked like the Japanese wolves that had been hunted down centuries ago (How the hell would they know what Honshu wolves looked like? Even so, Honshu wolves are small and brown. I think they mean the Hokkaido wolf, which could be as big as grey wolves, but still isn't that white.), but that was impossible—all endangered species (They aren't endangered. They're extinct.) are on Stein's waiting-to-dissect list. Liz stared at them in disbelief. Were they trying to save them? She thought she caught a glimpse of a flaming shield in one wolf's mouth, (Amaterasu from the game uses divine forces to throw her flaming shield around, but this rip-off OC is so dumb that she'll carry it in her mouth and burn herself.) but didn't get a good look before they were all out of sight. Liz and Patti stared after the four beings in shock, surprised, relieved, and extremely grateful to whomever it was that led it away. They didn't hesitate another second; they immediately turned to tend to their meister. (What about calling for help? Or running?! That Kishin could be back in minutes, if they really finished off a Shinigami that quickly.)
Soul Eater (I think I actually like the intermission thing. It's not as awkward as double spacing before starting another paragraph.)
Liz will never forget that moment. (Here we go.) She, Patti, Blackstar, Tsubaki, Maka, and Soul had all gathered outside of the dispensary for what felt like hours. It was late at night, but when the others heard about what happened, they insisted upon coming to the DWMA. When Professor Stein came out of the room, he told them what everyone was afraid to hear. (I don't know what's more disappointing; the fact that the people who came for an angst fic get two chapters tops or that the people who came for the fluff have to endure two chapters of angst first.)
"He'll live," Stein spoke quietly, lighting a cigarette as he did so. "His body was able to diffuse the black blood on contact. (Just going to call crap right now because this is inconsistent with the rest of the story.) However, the trauma from the attack caused great damage to Kid's eyes. Death the Kid is permanently blind. (But it'll only last two or three chapters, right? What a tease.)"
"What?" Liz asked. "No, that can't be right! Let us see him."
"Go ahead," Stein nodded to the infirmary door. "But I doubt you'll like what you see." (That's mean. Really, Professor, I expected more from you.)
Inside, Kid was sitting up on one of the beds, staring ahead blankly. His golden eyes had dulled to a yellow-tinted grey. He looked up when he heard them, his eyes unfocused slightly as he searched for what he could no longer see. (I guess the panic attack is over with?)
"Kid?" Liz asked, unable to make her voice louder than a whisper. She collapsed to her knees in front of him, dipping her head in sorrow as she began to sob at his feet. "Kid, I'm so… I'm so sorry." (Why is Liz so torn up about this? I mean, I get that she would be upset, but what about Patti? Does she just not understand? I don't know, I guess it's okay, but something about this interaction is clunky.)
"Liz?" Kid asked, reaching out blindly to her. (Accidentally grabbing her breast! No? Darn, if this isn't an angst fic, put some comedic relief in here—you're killing me!) "Liz, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen to Patti? Talk to me! You're freaking me out, Liz…." (Nope. Still panicking.)
Liz got to her feet again and wrapped him in a tight hug of security. She hated herself for letting this happen. (Okay, since when is this your fault? Seriously, you don't have any control over Kid. I think the author is just trying to cheat into some angst.) Kid hesitantly wrapped his arms around her as well. (And grabbed her butt! No? Jesus.) He was so scared and weak—it was pathetic. (I know! At least—just—why even—ugh! I'm already out of crap to give.) He was a grim reaper. He shouldn't be taken down by something this small.
Everyone was silent in a state of shock and disbelief. (I just realized that no one else said anything this entire time. Not even Patti, who should be asking questions, like "Is Kid going to be alright?" and some shit. All this angst is really clunky!) How could they grasp this? Their comrade, their friend, was blind? Forever? How would this affect Kid? Would he still be able to fight and, in the long run, surpass his father as the next Grim Reaper? (Very real concerns that would make for a good story don't last more than three chapters. Disappointing.)
It will get better, I promise!(Atypical line in the world of fanfiction writing. I mean, given that the angst doesn't last, I guess some of the character interactions get better, so at least there's that.) I will post a couple more chapters today, just to make sure you get a clear view of the basic storyline of this first arc. I have composed this fanfiction to be the most epic I have ever written; all I need is a couple reviews to tell me how I'm doing. Thank you so much! (You make me socially exhausted.)
Oh my gosh, thank you for clicking on this story! ("You didn't actually have to read it, just clicking on it gave me more views than my sister!") I have been constructing this series for months and I hope that my efforts aren't at all wasted. Firstly, this is a KidxOC fanfiction, and it will end up having 88 chapters. (So she wanted a symmetrical number of chapters and she couldn't sandwich this epic into just 8… this is a dumb basis to include a crap-shit-ton of fluff and awkward mashing together of the Soul Eater universe with the Okami universe.) I hope I can publish the last chapter as a New Year's special, so I need all your support to get that far!(You were sick with the flu! The last chapter sucked because of that!)
CHAPTER CLEAR!
TOTAL SCORE: 54