title: d i v / i d i n g .

summary: sometimes, there is more to you than you or your friends can see. sometimes, you need to look within yourself, and come to terms with the fact that she's gone. one-shot.

genre: angst/fiction

pairing: bearfur/silverdream

notes: making bearfur into a more in-depth character.

start;;

We were perfectly happy, she and I. It was like there was nothing that could get in our way.

We were stronger together.

Bearfur, she'd say, you're so strong.

I wouldn't reply, I'd just smile. Now, I wish I could have said, Silverdream, you're so much stronger than I am.

She was the glue that held us together. I was an anti-social warrior, refusing, sinning, repenting; all with her by my side.

You could say that I loved her. I still love her, actually. But she's gone, and so is the only cat who ever actually understood me. Who would always say that I was loyal -

that I was strong, fast, brave, free.

I don't think I ever was any of that, but she saw that in me. Silverdream saw within me, a faithful warrior, loyal to my clan, loyal to my friends, loyal to my heart. But what she didn't see, was my pride.

Pride is something I hold dear to my heart. Of course, I know of humiliation, but I take pride in my actions, I take pride in my words, I take pride in my appearance; I take pride in being prideful, no matter how sinful that may be.

I took pride in the fact that she was always beside me, and never beside anyone else. She was a kind soul. She could smile, blush, laugh and joke like everyone, but she was loyal, definite and strong. If there was something she didn't like, she would speak against it, much to our leader's dismay. She was a fast cat with a fast tongue and faster heart.

By faster heart, I mean she trusted. She trusted others, giving them the benefit of the doubt. I learned that trait from her. I learned from her to be gentle, kind, jovial. I learned to be free. She didn't know it that I learned from her, but I did. I always did. But I never told her, because she was so content, so beautifully content, with her thinking that I was always that way.

That I was never a monster. That I killed without mercy.

(I don't like thinking about it. When something traumatic happens, sometimes - sometimes your mind blocks it from your memories. Stores it away, deep within a hole, never to be touched again.)

So I pretended with her, to make her happy. But every single living soul has a breaking point. And that one day, I reached mine.

(So that's what happened. The memory of that day lies tucked within a deep, deep hole that I dare not enter.)

I was being selfish. I didn't want to pretend anymore because I was tired. I didn't care if she wasn't happy. I was dying while playing pretend.

I regret every word I said that night. Whatever I had said, she had gone - and then left me completely. Sometimes, in a romantic gesture, I imagine her in TigerClan camp. And - even if I know this isn't true because they all tell me they found her - it makes me feel a little better.

I'm sorry, I had said, that I said those words to you. I'm sorry that I played pretend for so long. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I swore from that day on, I would change. I wouldn't be so prideful, so cruel, so lost. I would be kind, gentle, jovial. I would know humiliation like the backs of my eye lids. I would be strong.

Just for her.