AUTHOR: Elektra
EMAIL: mydestinyfic@yahoo.com
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RATING: Rated PG.
SUMMARY: Angel reflects on The Power's response to Doyle's death.
Do you know the feeling of having the world pulled out from under you?
I think I finally get it figured out. I start reaching out to the people around me and wham, it's thrown right back in my face.
Doyle.
For the first time in a long time, I had someone in my life who remotely understood who I am. I'm not human; I'm not demon either. I'm this strange hybrid of the two. This soul, it just complicates matters.
Somehow in the years that I've been conscious, I forgot what it was like to have a friend of the same gender. I've spent the majority of the last few years with women. Friendship with women is different. No matter what you do, the sex issue eventually comes up. Even when you manage to keep it platonic, someone always wonders if there is more going on than meets the eye. Hell, my friendship with Cordelia is a prime example of that. I offer her a space in my life and Doyle assumes I'm moving in on his territory.
What is it in people that anticipates the inevitable?
I guess there's an inside joke hidden in all that rambling. We vampires don't much care who our latest sexual conquest is. We see it. We want it. We take it.
Yeah, you could say that your average vampire and your average two-year-old have a hell of a lot in common. I guess after witnessing a few rounds of Spike, you know what I'm talking about already.
Where is all of this going? I honestly have no earthly idea. You see, I'm not used to the silence anymore. Out here on the roof, looking off into the distance, I'm supposed to have the soft burr of his brogue to sooth the hurt and confusion away. When Doyle was here, it was like having a small part of my old life back.
You know the worst? The worst is standing here holding on to the rock I used to smash the Gem of Amarra to bits. If I'd had it, would I have been immune to the blinding light of that crystal? Would Doyle be standing out here on this roof with me? Would his life suddenly be worth less because he hadn't died?
That's bullshit.
Dead is dead.
You die saving hundreds of lives or you die alone, it's all the same. You die. Your soul isn't suddenly worth more. I mean who do we think we're fooling here? If you're an evil bastard in this lifetime, you'll get it in the end. Believe me, I've seen it. I know what I'm talking about.
Doyle's death redeemed him?
What a laugh. If that was true, nothing that he'd done prior to that mattered. His love. His friendship. His compassion meant nothing.
I don't buy that. I can't.
Life is about more than how you die and it would be better having him here supporting me, loving me, than floating out there wherever he is.
It's the strength of our interconnectedness that makes us human. I see that now. He showed me that before he left my life. Before his death, Doyle mattered. He made a difference.
I refuse to believe that the good of the many has to outweigh the good of the few. Every life on this planet deserves the chance to be cherished. It is far too easy to think that only a select few are deserving. It's far too easy to forget the others. Look at me. If it hadn't been for Buffy, where would I be today? I'll tell you; I would have been forgotten. It's easy that way. Unconditional. Unemotional.
The Powers are a machine. Don't let them fool you. They are an uncaring, emotionless lot who have nothing more to do than fuck with other creature's lives.
What am I going to do about it?
Nothing.
There is nothing left for me to do. They have me trapped in the corner, right where they want me. I walk away and Buffy dies. They know I won't let that happen. She's their ace, their trump card.
So what is there left for me to do?
I grieve. In my quiet way, I mark the passing of one of the few individuals that I've ever loved. I go on, living with the knowledge of The Powers' idiocy. How many others will I lose to the cause because their death is more important than their life?
None.
I vow now, these silent pages my witness, that I will never allow this to happen again. Never. Once was enough for one lifetime. So, in the end, The Powers failed. Doyle's death marks the end of my blind faith in them.
I heard a line in a movie once. I never really understood it until today. Reap the whirlwind, the actor said. I wonder if they're ready? You see, the whirlwind, it's coming and there is nothing they can do about it.