It was only 8 o'clock, but I was already tucked away in bed, lights off, door shut. It was a bad habit I'd gotten myself into because when I pretend to be asleep, no one bothers me. It gives me time to ponder things to deep for casual thought through out the day. Things that slowly lowered me back into my deep depression. I always craved alone time, as soon as I was with others I felt like I needed to be alone, but as soon as I was alone the depression began to consume me.
I often wondered what caused such a complete turn in my life. When I was a child I was wild and outgoing, but as I got older I lost it all. The depression took away my playful attitude, and my anxiety stripped me of all confidence, leaving me to pull my new vulnerable personality into a shell to protect it. I hid herself from everyone because I believed it would protect myself, but I never got any better. I only got worse.
To be honest, I was especially depressed because tonight everyone else was out at graduation parties, having fun, but I had no parties to go to because, frankly, I don't have any friends. I breathed deeply, and turned in the darkness, trying to stop all the thoughts and fears that were flooding my mind. Is this the way the rest of my life would be? These were supposed to be the best years of my life and they finished without me enjoying any of it. I cried for a while that night, but eventually I stopped and stared at the ceiling.
All the fear and pain had been replaced with an overwhelming emptiness. This is how it always happened. Most people would think that the numbness would be easier to handle than the fear and sadness, but they were wrong. At least to me they were. I can't stand the feeling of emptiness and the crushing silence that surrounded me. No, I can't stand it any longer. I pulled herself from my bed after laying there seemingly paralyzed for so long. My body was shaky as I walked over to the mirror and stared in it. My face was puffy and red from crying so much which made my green eyes pop in contrast, making me look more rough.
I slipped a sweatshirt on, and pulled the hood up over my disheveled hair. I was done feeling empty and afraid all the time. Everyone was sleeping in the house so it was relatively easy to slip out. The night was silent except for the crickets, but the normally soothing silence to me seemed loud. I know I'm not in my right mind... That this isn't something I should be doing, but my body moved automatically as if it were a robot.
I turned down the street walking briskly, guided by the flickering streetlights above. It wasn't a far walk before I came across a bridge. It would serve my purpose fine. I stood and looked around for a while, my nerves tightening, before climbing over the rail and just hanging for a while. My breathing was strained, and suddenly the emptiness inside me was replaced again with fear, not my usual kind, my fear of the future and everything, but a primitive animalistic type fear. I didn't want to die. I wanted the release, but I was to afraid to let go.
Finally my mind cleared and I returned to my senses. I wouldn't kill myself, not tonight. I began pulling myself back up, but when placing her foot, it slipped where the bridge was still wet from an earlier rain, and I plummeted.
It happened before I could realize and that's how I fell, arms still outstretched, watching the lights above disappear slowly. I didn't even get out a scream, just a gasp before crashing into the river below.
I swam to the bank and pulled myself up, spluttering and coughing. I laid myself out in the mud, listening to the erratic beat of my heart. It's funny, as I was falling my problems played in her mind and I realized that they were totally solvable. I had never felt that before. I stayed there a while, shivering and reflecting on what had happened.
On the walk back home I went the long way and took her time, searching for an answer, a solution... Finally I stopped and looked up at the stars. "What should I do now?" I whispered under her breath and waited, hopeful eyes searching the stars for a sign, but then I felt stupid for waiting because nothing happened no sign or anything. I started walking again but there was a crinkle after my first step. I leaned down and picked up the piece of paper I had stepped on.
It was an old travel pamphlet, balled up and stained, but I was still able to make out some of the things it said. I didn't know if this was my sign, or if there could be a sign, but I was going to take it.