DISCLAIMER:The ideas are mine, the characters are not. But we do spend so much time together...
Fanfiction writers,
I fail to understand why there are over 800 romantic stories featuring myself as the main character on this website. Your need to occupy yourselves with the writing of fictional stories is difficult enough to understand, but tales of my secret love for Lieutenant Valeris are clearly delusional. She was a spy. Surely if I ever decided to "embrace my human side" as some of you so eloquently put it, that was not the way I was going to go.
I do not have feelings for Lieutenant Uhura, either. Emotions are alien to me, as I am sure I have stated before. Saavik is always going to be my pupil. She is a friend – a word whose meaning none of you hormone-driven writers seem to fathom. I do admire her, but she does not make my concentration flutter when she walks into the bridge. Even when her long brown hair lays loose over her shoulders. In fact, if I should ever see her like that again, I would advise her it is against uniform regulations.
I must add that rumours of my undying passion for nurse Chapel are greatly exaggerated. She does not make my heart skip a beat. Yes, I am sure. I am certain I would be aware of such a distracting arrhythmia. I would apply the electroshock treatments myself. I respect her as a competent nurse and the only sentient being I know capable of the stoic effort of spending several hours in the company of Doctor McCoy. The good doctor is, I suspect, the responsible for a great number of those rumours. I shall have to have a talk with him.
I did not know the term "slash". I have discovered 436 stories under that designition. That is why, I must insist: I am not a homosexual. And given the number of times I caught young alien women rearranging their clothes outside Captain Kirk's quarters, I assure you, neither is he.
Dif tor heh smusma
Lieutenant-Commander Spock
Science Officer, Starship Enterprise
Author's Note: I meant for this to be funny,... It wasn't meant to be taken that seriously. Finally a protest from Spock for the amount of fics in which he's clearly, out-of-character. I could make chapters for Jim, Bones, all the other characters (even from other Star Trek shows, like TNG, for instance)... Review and let me know what you think...
LLAP