A/N. It's the translation of a story I wrote a while ago. English is not my mother tongue so I would apreciate it if you helped me correct any mistakes.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rizzoli & Isles or the characters.
Have you ever walked under the rain? Slowly, without haste, just to watch people walking under their umbrellas, people running, or people being late to an appointment they often don't care about.
Have you ever walked through a crowded street? Step by step, feeling the pavement under your shoes, like an outsider to that fast pace that rules our society.
Have you?
I have.
And I love it.
I see people walking absorbed, deep in their thoughts, workers of the capitalist society that rules our world.
But I'm not here to talk about my thoughts about the society we live in or my political ideology.
I'm here to tell you a story.
A story that you might not like, a story that you might find boring and you end up hating.
Or maybe this story will seduce you and you will love until the last word.
My story.
When was I born? Where did I grow up? Did I have a normal childhood?
That's not important. Those are insignificant facts that if you wish you can imagine as you like, they won't change the following story.
It all began in my puberty.
It all began with Laura.
My first love.
My first painful tears.
She broke my heart without even knowing it. She stepped on it with our hurtful heterosexual friendship.
After her came Luna.
As beautiful as the satellite she was named after, but also as volatile and liar.
Then came Vanessa, Megan, Cathy, Nicole, Sarah, Liz… too many in a really short time.
You could say I lost my path.
And my compass was her, Maura.
Maur.
My Maura.
His Maura.
I met her… well a while ago, a rainy day.
One day like this. And like today I was just walking under the rain, looking around uninterested, trying to decide which bar I would go to that night and praying not to bump into any of my many exes.
"Darn" someone shouted bumping into me.
Several books were scattered everywhere and I stood there looking at an angel lying on the floor.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you" I told her while I kneeled down to pick up her books.
And the girl with the face of an angel looked at me through her glasses and smiled.
My god. I will never forget that smile.
I get to my doorway and go inside after taking a glance at the street still expecting her to show up.
But she doesn't.
Dreams are only dreams, aren't they?
I sigh and while I make my way to the elevator a tear falls on the floor. The first tear of many others.
And my back crashes against the elevator's mirror and I fall to the ground holding my chest. The unbearable pain caused by the rejection, the disappointment and the reality of an impossible love courses through me.
That's why I dated so many women in such a short time. Not remembering their names helped me not to fall in love and not falling in love meant no suffering. It was as if my one-night stands helped me built a huge wall around my heart.
I was with one of these one-night stands when I saw my angel again.
It was at the doorway of the girl I had cornered against the door. I had her hands all over my ass when we heard someone clearing their throat and then a sweet and nervous voice asked us to clear the way.
Honestly, I was surprised I remembered her. And as my date that night kept laughing at the situation I made a curtsey to that angel who didn't even recognize me. She just looked annoyed at me.
"Sorry" I told her hoping to start a conversation with that angel even if only for a few seconds.
But she totally ignored me and decided to go to the lift delighting my eyes with the beautiful view of the movement of her hips and her ass.
Wow, what a nice butt.
"Do you like her ass?" my date whispered.
I think her name was Sharon, Sarah or something like that. Anyway, it doesn't really matter.
"Not as much as yours" I answered remembering the reason I was there that night.
With nothing else to say I crashed my lips against hers leading me to a night full of wild and anonymous sex. A way to calm my hunger and that allowed me to forget the lack of love and affection that surrounded my life. However, the angelical face of that girl with honey blonde hair, hazel eyes and that was a couple of inches shorter than me stayed in my mind the whole night. I couldn't get her face out of my mind the following days either. I had to know more about her.
The lift gets to my floor and I try to stand up but it's really hard. My legs have a mind of their own and won't let me stand properly that's why I zigzag and bump into the walls before reaching my door. I have to try three times until the door finally opens. My eyes blinded by the tears that won't stop falling down my cheeks.
I get inside my flat and I fall on the bed a few meters from the door that I think I closed.
And her smell covering my own bed sheets surrounds me stabbing me like a thousand daggers in my stomach. A nauseating feeling makes me run and kneel beside the toilet just in time to throw up the little I have eaten today.
A sudden physical and mental exhaustion comes over me and I think I fall asleep on the floor of my bathroom hugging the toilet.
And in my dreams I see her surprised face the third time she saw me when she opened her door and I gave her a bouquet of flowers.
"Excuse me?" she asked me.
I smiled and repeated what I had just told her.
"I work for LMK deliverers and I brought flowers for you"
She kept looking at me with a surprised look on her face.
"For…for me?"
"Yes. You're Miss Isles, aren't you?" I kept me small act hoping the name in the mailbox was hers.
And I mentally thanked that nice old lady who provided the information I needed to find her after explaining I was an old friend of my angel who had just arrived from another city and wanted to surprise her, but unfortunately I only knew the building where she lived.
"Uh…yes, that's me"
Whew.
"Then these flowers are yours" I answered giving her the flowers I had just bought at the shop on the corner of her street. She took them and smelt them. "Oh! And this is for you as well" I told her taking a white envelop out of my pocket with a small letter written inside.
Her surprised face kept increasing and she grabbed the envelop I gave her with a distrustful expression.
"Wow" she said softly.
"Could you sign here, please?" I asked her giving her a paper from the delivery courier I worked for.
She nodded and signed quickly after leaving the flowers on a nearby cabinet.
I knew the time to say goodbye was approaching but my need to know more about her wasn't satisfied. That's why when she returned the pen I asked:
"You've got a secret admirer, eh?"
She looked at me cautious at first but then a shy smile appeared on her lips.
"It seems so"
"Be careful Miss Isles, there're a lot of crazy people out there"
"Please call me Maura. We must be the same age"
I smile with my small victory.
"Oh yes, excuse me. Occupational habit"
We both fell silent with anything else to say.
"I'm sorry, I have things I need to take care of and…" she said breaking my state of uneasiness.
"Yes, of course. I have to deliver more packages. I hope you enjoy the flowers"
"Yes, thank you" she said smiling at me. "Goodbye"
And she closed the door leaving me with my stupid happiness. The same stupid happiness she would leave me with when she closed the door the next day, and the day after that, and the other, and the other as well. Every day, I gave her the flowers from the shop on the corner with a letter in a white envelope I prepared at home.
Yes, that was my routine.
Every day during my lunch break I went to her street with my bike bought flowers from that same shop and checked I had the letter where I wrote quotes from great writers. Then I climbed the stairs to her flat in order to give her the flowers. And every day she smiled at me and she talked to me more and more until I finally had the guts to ask her if she would like us to meet somewhere else outside the roles courier/customer so we could move to friend/friend.
A movie theatre was the place we chose so she could see me without my "work uniform" as she liked to call it. A movie theatre where we would see each other occasionally, not counting of course the moment I gave her the flowers every day.
Gradually I was included in her list of friends, first only meeting to go for a drink and then after convincing her we also started going out partying.
I feel someone stroking my forehead. I open my eyes slightly and I see Frankie, my brother, who's looking at me with a troubled look.
"Frankie" I mumble.
"Hey Janie, are you alright? I saw your front door open and I got really worried. You scared the hell out of me when I found you on the floor".
Am I alright?
That's a good question.
Am I alright? No, are you kidding? I'm not fine. I'm fucked. I'm…I don't even know what I am.
"Oh my God, you're boiling, you have a fever" he says with his hand on my forehead. And he helps me stand up. "Come on Jay, let's go to bed".
The bed is soft, cosy, and comfortable but not with these sheets that still smell like her.
"No" I try to refuse it. "Not the bed"
"Yes, you're going to bed" Frankie says.
The weakness of my body takes over me and I can't resist him anymore. I'm half asleep in the arms of my brother and he carries me to my bed. He covers me with the blanket with that scent that not only reminds me of her it makes me feel like she's by my side and I'm in her arms again.
I feel her scent again as if I smelled it directly from her skin like when we danced together, close to each other, teasing and laughing together on one of our many trips to the clubs I managed to get her addicted.
"Are you sure you don't know who it is?" she asked me one of those times.
"No" I answered laughing. "I'm sorry. I can't give you this information. It's confidential"
She laughed and her smile caused me a thrill of tenderness and affection. I loved that feeling.
"Come on Jane tell me" she told me tugging my shirt. "Aren't we friends?"
"Yes, but this person pays really good tips just to bring you the flowers" I answered taking a sip of my beer.
She laughed again and I smiled. I'm sure I looked like a fool in that moment.
"Jaay" she tried to convince me with her best 'puppy eyes' look.
And then someone got in the middle of our conversation.
"Jane? Is that you?" I heard a voice I didn't recognise asking me.
And I turned around and I instantly knew it was one of my one-night stands whose name I couldn't remember.
"Oh…hi"
I think I prayed all the Gods in the universe that she would leave us alone.
"My, look who's here. It's Jane the most womanizer of the city" she introduced me. And I felt Maura staring at me with a questioning look on her face. "And who's that? Is she your one-night stand for tonight?"
She started to piss me off and my polite smile disappeared.
"My name is Maura Isles. I'm a friend of Jane" my angel introduced herself in order to try to avoid the approaching storm.
But the storm only got worse.
"Friend? So you still have friends? I thought you've already fucked all the women in this city and out of sight out of mind"
"Jane let's go" Maura pleaded.
But I couldn't contain my anger.
"You've got no fucking idea" I whispered watching her intently.
"Yes, I do"
"No, you don't"
"Jane, please" I heard Maura's voice.
"I know you, Jane. I perfectly know you"
I clenched my jaw trying to keep calm.
"Jane, please" Maura kept trying. "Let's go"
"That's right Jane. Go with her. Fuck her and leave her lying on her bed like a toy you don't use anymore. It's what you always do, isn't it?"
I know I aimed my fist at her face but it never reached its destination.
Maura was faster and stopped me the best way she could have found.
The softness of her lips against mine got me in a state of shock. I didn't know what to do. She had just blown my mind.
"Let's get out of here" she whispered without moving away from me.
She took our jackets, grabbed me by the arm and got us out of the club. She drove us to my home where we had decided we would sleep because it was closer than hers at the other end of the city.
And once we were inside she made me sit on my bed, she hung our coats and sat beside me.
"Ok, now tell me the truth" she told me.
I didn't answer.
"Have you had sex with lots of women?"
I just nodded.
And she nodded getting serious.
"Will you also fuck me and then forget about me?"
I looked at her frowning and I shook my head.
"No" I mumbled. Saddened that she would think that.
"But do you want me?"
I looked at her surprised before lowering my gaze to the floor.
Did I want her?
Yes. Physically and emotionally. Would I be brave enough to tell her?
But I didn't need to answer. She read me like an open book.
That's why she asked:
"When were you going to tell me that my secret admirer doesn't exist? When were you going to tell me that the flowers and the letters are yours?"
For a second my heart stopped beating.
For a second I thought I've heard wrong.
For a second.
But I turned my gaze to her and I found her looking at me. And on that moment I knew she had asked but she already knew the answer.
"When…?" I asked her quietly.
"Every day I see you buy the flowers in the shop on the corner" she said smiling.
That smile reassured me as well as the kiss that followed and that led us to end up cuddled in my bed, in my own bed.
I hear voices. There's more than one person but I'm not able to tell how many or who they are.
I can't understand the whole conversation but I can tell they're talking about me.
"How long…?"
"12 hours and I've not been able to lower the fever"
"Oh my God"
"I'm not going to lie. I'm worried. She reached 104 degrees. I had to put her in the bath to try and lower it a bit"
"Thank God you were here Frankie"
Frankie. It's Frankie. My brother. My friend, the only one I have left.
Then, what about the other voice?
I don't get to know it. The exhaustion takes over again and my mind dives into the memories. In those good memories following that first kiss with my angel, my Maura. A year full of kisses, happiness and love.
It'd been a year in which I completely left the past behind to become addicted to that soft skin. It had been a year after that first kiss and as always I had just bought the flowers at the shop on the corner and I climbed the stairs almost floating.
Three knocks on the door and I waited.
And a man opened the door.
I looked at the number of the flat.
Yes, that was Maura's flat.
In fact, Maura appeared behind that man and looked at me. She was scared.
"What do you want?" the man asked. He looked shaken up but I was too perplexed to think about that.
I looked at the man and then at the flowers and I said the first thing that came to mind.
"I work for LMK deliverers. Does Angela Rizzoli live here?"
"No, I'm sorry. It's not here"
I looked down at my folder so he thought I was checking something.
"The address is correct. Are you sure she doesn't live here?"
"Look moron. There isn't an Angela here. The only one living here is my girlfriend. And now get the fuck out!"
And he closed the door.
The flowers fell on the floor with my folder and the pieces of my heart.
Her boyfriend?
I was her girlfriend.
Who the fuck was that guy?
Her boyfriend. He couldn't be her boyfriend.
He couldn't… but he was.
I ran down the stairs and I kept running around the streets of the city. I ignored my bike and the rain that was soaking me.
And when I was out of breath and I couldn't run anymore I looked at my surroundings and that was when I started walking under the rain. That's when I started to recall those times of lies and fake happiness while I walked under the rain. That's when I collapsed in the lift unable to stand up and then again once at home I collapsed next to the toilet. Where Frankie found me.
That's my story, my past.
Now we are in the present and I'm completely fucked up, I'm sprawled on the bed unable to open my eyes. The few moments I regain consciousness make me aware of the four days I've been with a fever. Four miserable days have passed since the day I lost everything.
"Jane" I hear someone say.
I don't want to wake up.
I want to sleep; I want to keep ignoring the world around me.
"Jane, come on" a familiar female voice keeps bugging me.
"Mmmm" I groan.
"You have to take the pill" the voice insists.
I manage to open an eye slightly and I see Sarah, Frankie's girlfriend.
"Hello Jane. Your brother left me in charge and I can't fail him" she says. "So you have to take the pill"
And I take it almost forcefully and then I start to cry like an idiot when I sit up and I see a portrait of Maura and I on the shelf.
"Sshhh. Calm down" Sarah whispers holding me and leaving me hugging my pillow until I fall asleep.
And I wake up again feeling the warmth of a body snuggled against me.
Sarah or Frankie must have fallen asleep while looking after me.
I smile gratefully and I feel the urge to go to the toilet. I decide to let the other person sleep and slowly I make my way towards the bathroom leaning on the wall. Once I finish I look at the bed from the door frame and I think I'm having a hallucination.
Maura.
Maura is sleeping on my bed.
Do I still have a fever?
Yes, it must be the fever.
My head is spinning and I feel my legs weaken.
"Shit!" I hear Frankie exclaim seconds before I feel him catching me to avoid my fall.
I don't want to go back to bed. I don't want to go beside Maura. I don't want to go to the girlfriend of the man who opened the door when I brought the flowers.
"Maura, help me" Frankie asks.
Then it's true, it's her, it's…
"Maura" I mumble.
And once again I feel her scent invading me, the softness of her skin caressing my face.
"I'm here" she answers.
Yes, she is here.
Why is she here?
"Jane, calm down. I'm here" I hear her beside me.
"You…"
"No, Jane. Don't speak. You have to sleep a bit more"
"You have…you have a boyfriend"
I don't hear anything else. I'm not aware of anything else.
I don't know if they've shut up or if once again I'm unconscious.
The only thing I know is that after a while I'm able to open my eyes and I see her again curled up in a chair near the bed with her face buried in her hands. She looks so helpless.
"I don't want to lose you" she mumbles. "Please Jane. I don't want to lose you"
I don't like seeing her cry and I feel a tear sliding down my cheek.
"And why didn't you tell me you have a boyfriend?" I say with a hoarse voice.
She looks at me fixing me with her stare. Her beautiful hazel eyes now red from crying.
"I don't have a boyfriend"
A twinge of pain shoots through my chest.
Why does she keep lying?
"That man…" I start to say.
But she doesn't let me finish.
"That man was my boyfriend. He was, Jane. I broke up with him three days before you brought me flowers for the first time. It was a long-distance relationship without future. He lived in the UK and I here in Boston"
I feel my heartbeat speed up.
Then…?
"What was he doing in your flat?"
"He didn't accept the end of our relationship. He has been trying to get us back together since then. But I didn't love him so much as to wait for him to come back from the UK"
She talks with her hands.
She nervous, that's why she's moving them so much. And it makes me smile shyly.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Her hands calm down and she lowers her gaze.
"Human beings are too complex. I don't know why I didn't tell you at the beginning. Maybe because it wasn't important for me and you were just a friend. And then…"
"Then?" I ask sitting up.
"Then I was afraid to lose you, I was afraid you'd get away from me and I was terrified you'd stop loving me. It was too late. And then you suddenly showed up at my door. Jane, when you got home with the flowers he was still pissed because I kept turning him down"
My heartbeat regains its normal heartbeat relieved.
"Where is he now?"
"I don't know. I don't care" she answers without looking at me.
An uncomfortable silence settles between us.
"Uff" she sighs burying her face in her hands again. "I've fucked up, haven't I?
I don't say a word. I watch her sitting in a chair a meter and a half away from me.
"No. You're fucking up" I answer.
She looks at me confused not understanding what I'm talking about.
And I smile because I know I forgive her. How could I not do it after seeing her sitting in my chair all nervous and suffering?
"You're fucking up leaving me alone in this huge bed"
Her best smile graces her lips and her eyes tear up.
"Can I?" she asks.
"If you don't come here right now I'll come for you" I whisper.
And she runs but not towards the bed. She runs towards me and envelops me in a fierce hug leaving me without breath.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she says once and again.
"Shh. It's ok"
"I felt my heart sink when I saw you at the door with him between us"
I kiss her shoulder.
"Or when I came to see you that night and Frankie opened the door and told me how he had found you. You reached 104 degrees Jane. I was really scared. I've spent these last five days here except a few moments when Frankie or Sarah stayed here watching you"
Five days?
"Wow. I didn't know I've been sick that long"
She moves away to look at me and cups my cheek with a smile on her lips.
"It's because of your obsession to walk under the rain without an umbrella. You should buy one"
Her fingers touch the smile on my lips.
"Let me find shelter in yours. Because I'm not going to move away from you ever again" I whisper.
And our lips find each other again relieved after the suffering they've gone through and happy for our future together.
If this was a movie, this would be the moment when the camera moves away slowly, with us in our sweet and gentle kiss, leaving from the window in my room and ending up with an aerial shot of the city that has seen us born and love.
Well, so this is my story.
As I said before, maybe you didn't like it or maybe you did. Maybe it was boring, it made you cry.
But I don't care. Not a bit. Because it's my story.
Mine and Maura's.
My Maura.
My sweet and beautiful Maura.
Have I told you that I love her?
I do.
With all my heart.