Yes, here we go again. There is the thud of your feet on the ground. I frown and I know I am just hiding my feelings from myself.
You scare me.
You are cold and distant. A marble statue would give off more warmth than you. A rock would show more emotion. A dune in the desert would smile before you do.
A shadow appears in the door, your shadow. The white robes fit you well. They hide your body enough to make people guess what is underneath, yet they show off your strength because they are tight and the seams run along your body like rails for the eyes.
I know what is underneath those clothes, you chose to show me and even let me have my way with your body. I have learned to worship it, this muscled weapon, this finely tuned tool, this living, breathing wonder.
Never will I utter a word of praise though. We don't talk much. Sometimes you say my name, and sometimes I say yours. After that we are even more silent than before. Maybe it is because what we hear in each others' voices is so terrifying.
But the way my hand runs down your body, the way my tongue traces every inch of your skin, the way my kisses envelop you, the way my eyes burn on your skin should tell you a lot about what I really think. How much I long for your velvety brown skin. I admit I try to hide it. Somehow my feelings seem like weakness, and I feel so weak around you already. You strip me of all my guards just by being there, and somehow I feel you must not know. I feel like a card house and you open all the windows in the house. Oh how I hate you for making me feel so weak.
Your eyes lift up to mine. Not many people are able to school their gaze as much as you are. I have seen you talk to others and your eyes were stone cold. Grey like the walls of my bureau.
They are open and animate when you look at me. If I wanted to, I could look right into your soul. You let me look in your soul. Oh if you knew how much that scares me.
When you are lying with me, you nearly swallow me with that gaze of yours. Your mouth is slack then, you are frowning slightly, and your eyes are darker than ever, and I can read you like an open book. I see all the pride and arrogance in there, and all the guilt and worry, and all the deaths and deeds. But most of all, I see this overwhelming, enormous love. I see how much you love me. How you would give everything, every last thing, every limb and every breath for me. Oh how it frightens me to death.
Sometimes we lie there, sleepily, and you listen to me babbling about something I read. Most of the time you keep your head on my shoulder, but sometimes you look up at me. Your eyes are shining adoringly. You adore me.
I want to run away. I want to leave this town, this land, this earth and flee you, never see you again. You scare me. You terrify me. You shake me to my bones.
Because I know that what you feel is what I feel. Because I know I love you more than anything I have ever seen or known. But unlike you I know loss. What if I give in to this feeling? And then, what if I lost you? How can I lose you? How could I survive?
You terrify me. I love you so much.