"A song for the heartsick, for the standbys,
Living life in the shadow of a goodbye."
-Battle Scars (Paradise Fears)
.
Cedric,
You remind me of him. Your eyes are his eyes, but they aren't. You're so similar, in more ways than I'd thought possible, to him. I look at you and expect to see him looking back at me.
Maybe I'm going mad, maybe he's been gone for too long, maybe I got too attached to him all those years ago.
-Barty
He crumpled the letter, tossing it into the fireplace in his office at Hogwarts. He never dreamed he'd return here to fall in love with those grey eyes again, he just wished that their person was the same one he'd known.
.
Regu—Cedric,
Is it jealousy or envy that's taking me over now?
Because it's driving me mad. He's gone, he's been gone for years and he's not coming back. You're not him.
You try to be humble like he did (and there's always a part of me that hopes you'll fail at it like he did. But you don't.)
Is this a problem, what I'm feeling?
Father never knew about him. If he did, he would've said that was a problem, that no son of his could fall for a Black. What would dear Father say if he knew about this? Is falling for a Diggory who reminds me of a Black as bad as loving the real thing?
What would you say, if you read this, Ced? What would you think of me then? I shudder to think…
-Barty
Barty looked down at the last line he'd written, knowing things would be much, much worse for him if this letter was ever read by anyone. Wishing he could love someone without having to hide it, he watched the letter flutter down into the flames, watched as they licked the parchment, watched the black ink being engulfed by the blackened paper.
.
Cedric,
Do you notice, in class, when I pay more attention to you than the others? Do you realize the inner strength it takes me to say nothing to you of these letters when you're the last one to leave the classroom?
But I can never tell you. The repercussions would be too many, and it's far too difficult to say things I mean. I learned that early on, and it resulted in the things I do say having less meaning.
They say love is just a part of being human, but damn, if I'd have known that I would never have tried to become human in the first place.
If only I had the choice.
-Barty
He tore the letter up until he could no longer, throwing the pieces into the flame one by one.
.
Ced,
Another similarity: he never said goodbye either.
But the worst part of this now is that you never knew what you meant to me in the first place. You never got that far, and I don't know, if I could do it over again, if I'd be able to tell you. And that's what hurts.
He just sat there on that damned Astronomy Tower taking drags of those damned Muggle cigarettes he took everywhere. When I first saw them, I would've never thought he'd be one to use any Muggle products. It was his brother that did that.
We always joked that those cigarettes would kill him, like the Muggles always claimed they'd do. I wish they would've been the thing to do him in, he would've lived longer than he did.
I lost him, I've lost you. I'm sure it won't be long before I lose myself, too.
I wish I could've moved on. I never thought I'd say this, but Father was right, at least partially. "Nothing good'll come from that Black boy, he'll just bring you down," he'd said.
Though I wouldn't say nothing good came out of it, I'm spiraling downhill now, and no matter the choices I made that brought me further, Regulus was certainly involved with the beginning of this.
And now what am I supposed to do?
I went back up to the Astronomy Tower last night. I was never good at Astronomy, not like he was. But there was one constellation I could recognize easily, without thinking. Luckily, now's a good time of the year to spot it. Leo, residing proudly in the sky just like he did years ago. And there was Regulus, the brightest star in the constellation.
I thought back to all those times he pointed it out, grinning.
You grinned like that, too, Ced. Did you know?
I miss that grin. I miss when you'd both grin back before the war became too close for comfort. I miss when it was easier, and I miss being able to act naïve.
But most of all, I miss him. I miss when we had years ahead of us.
I miss looking into your eyes and seeing him, and I miss – no matter how recent it was – when I'd finally been able to look into those eyes that were so like his and see you. I missed seeing you try to prove yourself, trying to win that damned Tournament, trying to earn honour and glory. And that Potter boy brought you back, brought back the Cup for himself when he's already got enough honour and glory to last him a lifetime.
But at least he brought you back.
At least, even though you didn't get the chance, I got to say goodbye.
He touched it into the flame, staring without seeing as the lit corner turned to ash, as the fire spread across his words. When the letter diminished to half the parchment's original size, he dropped it unceremoniously into the flames (He knew he could never send them, any of them. At least this time, he didn't have the option to send it), and he wondered if anything would come out of this in the end.
x
A/N: Slightly AU near the end in which Barty isn't caught after Cedric's death.
Written for Round 6 of QL as a reserve Chaser 3 for Pride of Portree (Prompt: Write a letter between a teacher/student, using choice prompts of drag (word), "I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't." -W. Somerset Maughan (quote), and jealousy (emotion).
Also for Camp Potter (Week 6: History Appreciation - Write about Barty Crouch Jr) and the Represent that Character Challenge.
I've been wanting to write this pairing for a long time, since reading Amber (Cheeky Slytherin Lass)'s amazing Bartyced. Hope you enjoyed!