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Alice Takes a Break
by Nikki Little
After downing her first dose of rage potion and slaughtering what had seemed to be half the Queen of Heart's card guard army, Alice began looking around the Fortress of Doors for a much-needed door to a, ummm..., ladies' room. Even a blood-soaked lunatic needs to take a leak sometimes. It took a few minutes, but eventually the above-mentioned room was found. Alice entered with a look of intense relief and promptly dropped her scrawny little butt on the toilet seat. And promptly splashed into the bowl. Cheshire popped up to enjoy her dilemma. "So the skinny wench just took a bath in the toilet bowl. You know this wouldn't happen if you'd just eat something once in a while."
Alice, looking irritated, saw it differently. "You mean I wouldn't have dropped in if I had had a wider ass. You'd like that wouldn't you, you little pervert." Cheshire rolled his eyes. Getting this stick to eat was not going to be easy. She was 18 for pete's sake and still hadn't had a period. Cheshire faded away, and Alice balanced herself on the toilet seat with one butt cheek on the seat and the other hanging out in space. She heard the creak of the door opening. Cheshire did not use doors. Alice lifted her feet up off the floor and nearly fell in again. She readied her knife and cards. A malicious smile crossed her face and she contemplated the surprise that a card guard opening her door was going to receive.
Alice saw the card guard walk by through the crack of the closed door and waited. One by one the card guard opened the stall doors. It was obvious that he didn't really expect to find anyone. He was just going through the motions. He opened Alice's door. The blazing green eyes. The devilish grin. The twirling knife. He was gonna die. He knew it. Whack! Alice's knife, thrown at point-blank, took his head clean off. The head flew through the air and landed in a sink. The body staggered backwards spewing blood like an upside-down waterfall and flipped upside down into a garbage can leaving the feet sticking up.
Alice walked over to the sink and picked the head up. She knew exactly what to do with the head. Cheshire popped up again and looked around at all the blood smeared all over the door of the stall, the floor, the garbage can, the sink, the ceiling, the gaslights, you get the idea... "Alice, not even a drunk man with a full bladder could make a mess like this. You're unbelievable. I can't take you anywhere!"
"It appears you can't." Alice threw the head out the window to a make-shift sort of playground where about a dozen insane school children were milling about. The card guard head dropped into their midst and they promptly began playing soccer with it. It appeared that card guards could be useful for something after all.
The End
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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyrights.
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