AN: There was this thing on tumblr and people have been enabling me. And I thought that I would be getting nothing done this summer...

Disclaimer: I think it's pretty damn obvious that none of us are Jim Butcher. Like, really obvious.
Title: Serve and Protect
Word Count: 674
Summary: "Have I ever told you," he drawled, looking over his sunglasses, "how much of an utter pain in the ass you are?" No matter what universe, Harry is a magnet for supernatural trouble and fire. Gender-Bended.

"I can explain," I said as I hobbled on his doorstep. My back ached from being thrown through a wall, and I smelled like I'd just gone camping with Smoky the Bear. "Really, I can."

Kenneth Murphy had already opened his front door and was dressed for work. His sunglasses had slid down his nose as he took in the image of his favorite wizard looking like a burned chew toy. This wasn't the Top 5 of bad appearances, but I'm sure that he wasn't ready to start off his morning with seeing me like this.

"Have I ever told you," he drawled, looking over his sunglasses, "how much of an utter pain in the ass you are?"

"Gosh, Murph. No need to get that sentimental." I stepped to the side and allowed him to get out of his house to lock up. "Do you want me to start explaining?"

"No, I suspect that I'll be hearing about it at work." He looked down and raised a golden eyebrow at my charred staff that was sticking out of the pocket of my duster. "What is that? Your third one this month?"

"Yeah, let's go with that." My bad hand pained at the idea of the tedious and hard job of making another one. It wasn't like staves grew on trees or anything. "Think you can give me a ride?" I followed him down the pathway that brought us to his car. I waved at his neighbor who was watering her flowers, a kindly old lady that boggled at the sight of the short, well-dressed lieutenant being followed by a taller woman that wore a scorched duster and had ash and dirt covering her face.

There was no waving back.

"Don't tell me that you walked all the way here just to get a ride from me?" Murphy said. "You're a wizard with amazing powers. Can't you just do that thing—" He made a pulling motion with his hand, like opening a door.

I leaned against his Saturn. "Well, if you let me start with the explainy, then you would know why walking into Faerie right now would be a very bad idea." I flapped my coat, letting the soot and ash fly off. "It's a doozy of a story. Lots of danger, excitement, fires—"

"Have you burned down any part of my city?" Murphy took his sunglasses off and did a good job of glaring at me without locking direct eye contact.

"No, I've stopped the burning of the city!"

"Have you been near any murders today?"

"Nope."

"Any crimes dealing with the supernatural?"

"Only two."

"You're limping?" The stern exterior cracked, making his appearance more Boy Scout-like than the one of the tough boss of S.I.

"Occupational hazard." I drummed my fingers on the top of his car. "What do you say? Care to do a kind, Samaritan act for a dear friend?"

"Get in, you assclown."

I slid into the passenger seat and buckled up.

We drove for a good three minutes before he said:

"You really prevented a fire for once?"

I held three fingers up. "Girl Scout's honor, Lieutenant."

"Will wonders ever cease?" Murphy muttered under his breath. "Anything else I should know?" he asked me.

"As long as you ignore the weird fog that is over Lake Michigan, then I think you're set."

"Terrific," Murphy said. "You really know how to start my day."