I mentioned Avaric's grandmother in my story Hey, Soul Sister and just had to write an Avaric/Fiyero spinoff with her in it. This was partially based off the episode of Simpsons when Homer takes over Mr. Burns' mansion.
Yes, Wicked ideas come from just about anywhere.
Enjoy!
Fiyero walked to the Shiz post office with his buddy Avaric and a package in his hand.
"Fiyero, I don't want to be here." Avaric moaned.
"You're the one who followed me out. I specifically recall telling you to stay in the dorm," Fiyero replied.
Avaric continued complaining this way throughout the ten minute walk to the post office.
When they arrived, Fiyero made to hand his package to the old lady behind the counter for delivery, when Avaric grabbed it out of his hand and read the card.
"Dear Elphaba, I hope you're having fun in the Emerald City. I love you and get you this scarf. Love, Fiyero. Man, you've gone soft. It doesn't make sense to me. How could you be manlier when you were with Galinda?"
"It's Glinda now," muttered Fiyero as he took back the package and sent it off. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw the old lady giggling.
Avaric looked around curiously. "How often do you check your mailbox?"
"Every other day."
"Oh."
Fiyero looked confused, "How often do you check yours?"
Avaric laughed, "Dude, I didn't even know we had a post office!"
Walking over to the mailbox slots, Avaric and Fiyero noticed one that was beyond overflowing.
It had to be Avaric's.
Avaric reached out to take a letter. "Okay, let's go."
Fiyero was still confused. "I'm confused."
"It doesn't take much to confuse you does it."
Fiyero puffed out his chest. "Life's more painless for the brainless."
Thinking for a moment Avaric said, "But without a brain, wouldn't you walk into things? I'm fairly sure that would hurt like hell. Now let's go."
"But Av, you only took one letter."
"I'll come back for the others tomorrow." He said, already walking away.
"No you won't," said Fiyero knowingly.
"C'est la vie!" Avaric shouted out the door.
Lounging on the couch, Avaric flipped through a magazine. "Not me, not me, don't care, get a job, don't care, not me."
Bored out of his mind, Fiyero dropped the magazine he was reading and made an observation. "You haven't opened up your letter."
"I'll get to it."
That's what Avaric said about last year's homework, which remained piled up in the corner.
Grabbing the letter and ripping it open, Fiyero saw elegant handwriting and noticed one word: Poopsiecakes.
Only one person dared to call Avaric that, and that was his grandmother.
Fiyero shuddered. He didn't like Fiyero's grandmother very much; or rather it was the other way around.
Avaric noticed Fiyero's discomfort and asked what was wrong.
Fiyero just showed him the note.
"Hey, it's from gramma! I hope she sent cookies." Avaric exclaimed.
"No, it's an invite."
Avaric looked shocked. "Oh no. I'm not going!" He said; dropping the note like it was the plague on paper.
"But she's your grandma. Where's your conscience?"
"I sold it to Galinda for five bucks." Avaric chuckled.
Fiyero didn't think Avaric should blow off his grandmother and spent all day following him around calling him Poopsiecakes, until Avaric finally gave in, on one condition: Fiyero had to join him.
The next day, Avaric and Fiyero sat in a cart, on the long awkward road to Grandmother Tenmeadows palace.
Eventually Avaric pulled out a sandwich and asked, "Want some lunch?"
Fiyero nodded his head in agreement and sulked when Avaric handed him the plastic wrapper to his sandwich.
Throwing the wrapper at Avaric he asked, "Why do you hate your gramma so much anyway?"
Avaric stared at Fiyero, "You know my gramma! She smothers me and also...she gives me the most hideodious hats."
Fiyero stared out the window. "I really miss Elphie right now."
"How'd you two even get together?"
Fiyero glared at Avaric, "I tell you every day. Remember the lion cub?"
Avaric nodded in understanding. "Ah, so the lion cub of commitment strikes again, taking yet another one of my comrades."
Fiyero shook his head in disbelief and stared out the window.
They were greeted by a butler at the door, who led them to their own rooms and informed them that they were to meet Avaric's grandmother the next morning in the palace carriage.
Sitting at the dinner table, Fiyero stared in disbelief at the fourteen forks and three spoons that lay beside his plate.
It was only salad.
Fiyero said, "I know what the spoons and thirteen forks are, but what's with this long one?" He said holding the fork in question up to show Avaric.
Reaching out to the cupboard behind him, Avaric pulled out a spectacle and said in a thick accent, "Why, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it."
"You've been watching that show again. What was it called?"
Avaric sputtered, "What? NO! That was absolutely 100% Avaric comedy right there. You should be grateful you witnessed it."
They finished their meal and retreated to the upper level, but on their way they had to climb at least a hundred steps.
When they reached the top, panting Fiyero swore explosively. "I forget my damn sock at the bottom!"
"Get it tomorrow dumbass."
"But my feet get cold..."
Avaric thought and said, "There's one thing we can try."
Soon, Fiyero found himself sliding backwards down the railing. As he neared the bottom he relaxed his grip, preparing to jump off, but instead slid even faster until he was flying through the air.
Slamming into the wall, Fiyero's elbow went right through one of the paintings of a tall, superior looking man with a thick moustache and yellow teeth.
"Dude! That was a painting of my brother! I think..." Avaric called from the top, "Just try to stick it on and we'll deal with it tomorrow."
Just then, Avaric's grandmother walked into the palace and noticed Fiyero's accident.
"YOU!" She shouted angrily.
Gracefully sliding down the railing, Avaric hopped off and ran to his gramma, "I missed you!"
Even Fiyero could notice the strain in Avaric's voice.
After lecturing Fiyero and hugging Avaric for a while, Grandmother Tenmeadows sent the boys off to bed and told them they were to meet her at 7:00 in the carriage outside.
It was 8:00 and they still weren't up. Grandmother Tenmeadows was getting impatient and sent the butler to their rooms to dump a large bucket of water on their heads.
Fiyero was the first target and when the deed was done, Avaric heard him scream from the other room.
"Hang in there, buddy. They'll stop eventually." Avaric mumbled.
So Fiyero laid in bed, until the butler brought in a hose and kept a steady stream of water on Fiyero for a minute.
Jumping out of bed Fiyero yelled, "I'm up! I'm up!" And saw Avaric at the door laughing at him, fully dressed and ready to go.
Mumbling, Fiyero got ready and they walked to the carriage.
Inside, Grandmother was sitting tensely with her legs crossed and the look of disappointment only a grandma can give. "You boys are very late. I hope you know we have less time to spend at the market."
Avaric and Fiyero exchanged looks. Market?
Grandmother continued, "Oh yes, we're buying fresh ingredients to make cookies, just like old times!"
Avaric groaned.
"Don't worry dear; I'll make sure you don't get tummy aches from the dough this time."
Fiyero snickered and they stepped into the carriage.
Once at the market, Avaric immediately noticed four pretty girls selling pies in the front.
He whispered to Fiyero, "Distract gramma, I have work to do."
Fiyero walked up behind Avaric's grandmother who was inspecting the eggs.
"Find anything good?" He asked.
Startled out of her examination, Grandmother Tenmeadows wheeled around and began hitting Fiyero with her purse.
"Stop! Miss, it's me! It's Fiyero!"
That didn't stop her until painful three hits later.
Then she noticed Avaric flirting with the girls and marched to the front.
The result was Avaric and Fiyero being dragged out of the market by their ears, complaining the whole time.
In the carriage, Fiyero and Avaric sat across from each other, with Avaric beside his grandma.
"That went smoothly Fiyero," Avaric commented.
"Oh yeah, you totally captured those girls hearts." Fiyero retorted sarcastically.
"You're one to talk."
"I have a girlfriend!"
"Who just so happens to be the most unpopular girl in school!"
Having enough, Fiyero shoved Avaric, who shoved him back.
Pretty soon there was a shoving match going on between the two, until Avaric missed and pushed his grandmother right out of the carriage.
Stopping immediately, Fiyero and Avaric jumped out and stared at the old woman, who lay on the ground with her eyes closed.
"Oh dear Oz, I killed my grandmother!" Avaric shouted.
Fiyero murmured, "Is she really dead?"
Avaric checked her pulse and said, "Oh shit, she's dead. FIYERO SHE'S DEAD!"
Suddenly, Grandmother Tenmeadows sat up and said calmly, "No I'm not."
As if nothing happened, the three resumed their ride back to the palace, although Grandma looked extremely irritated.
Still, she wanted to make the cookies, so they arrived home and went to the kitchen.
Fiyero sat in a nearby chair not wanting to get on any further on the old lady's bad side.
For once, Avaric actually cooperated and even wore the pink apron he was handed.
When the cookies were ready, Fiyero tasted one and turned to Avaric, "Remember that time Boq baked cookies and lit them on fire so they were burnt all the way through? Those were better than these."
Visibly annoyed, Avaric put his palm in a pile of flour and grabbed Fiyero's shoulder, leaving a white mark.
"You bastard! This was designer!" Fiyero raged and cracked an egg on Avaric's head. "Egg head!"
Avaric threw chocolate chips at Fiyero, bag and all.
Grandmother Tenmeadows stepped in between the two, blocking their way, but not before Fiyero accidentally covered her in flour.
"To your rooms, NOW!" She shouted.
Feeling guilty later that night, Fiyero and Avaric made a pact to apologize to Grandmother, but when they walked into the parlour they were greeted by seven people sitting at a round table with cards in their hands.
Hiding behind a statue, Avaric and Fiyero spotted Grandmother Tenmeadows with a big pile of chips in front of her, pushing them all towards the center with a greedy look in her eye.
Within seconds, she was twirling around in a victory dance as she won even more. "Another round!" She declared.
But Avaric jumped out and accused, "Grandma! You have a gambling problem!"
The old lady jumped up, "OFF TO BED!" She screamed.
Returning to their rooms, Fiyero and Avaric drifted off into a deep sleep.
The next morning Fiyero woke up and blinked his eyes in confusion.
This wasn't the palace.
It was the Shiz dorm room!
He shook Avaric awake and they noticed a note on the desk.
It read:
You were very bad boys.