Oneshot #1 In Which Girls Love Me and Scor Loses His Temper (MS)

A/N: The following is a parody of every shoujo manga ever. ~TheWineDude

And isn't for the ill of heart, brought to you by our insane minds. Also, Happy Valentine's Day/Singe Awareness Day! ~KiraMizu

UPDATE NOTE Oneshots marked MS are events that happened in the main story Neo National Tournament but can be read as stand alone from the main story. Oneshots marked as AU are alternate universes of the main story.

Albus Severus Potter isn't afraid to admit that he isn't the bravest person. That was his brother's job, since James was the picture perfect image of a Gryffindor while Albus on the other hand was a Slytherin to the core. However, even James, he thinks, would agree there was nothing more frightening than when Scorpius Malfoy loses his temper.

Honestly it wasn't his fault that his ehm..fans...were more enthusiastic than most. Besides he just wanted to help people out! How was he suppose to know that there would be a misunderstanding of that?

Here's what happened: it was Valentine's Day. Albus wondered if the person who invented the said day was doing it for revenge against the male population because he wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for this day. He was currently hiding for his sanity. Where? Well….

"Honestly Al, are you going to stay under that desk forever?" Rose Weasley, his cousin and other best friend, peeked under the table.

"I swear, if I ever see another pink pygmy puff carrying disturbing messages…" He shuddered. Somewhere deep, his 'innocence' was being shredded piece by piece. Not like he was exactly innocent to begin with, but such was the mind of a Slytherin. "Where is Scor anyway? Isn't he normally in the library with you?"

Rose tipped her head. "I haven't seen him all day. You know he's uncomfortable with public displays of intimacy everywhere." To prove her point, she gestured at the snogging couple just a few shelves over. In the library. Snogging. Albus retched and quickly looked away. Where was the librarian?

"Hihihihihihihhihihi!" Female voices. Giggling and whispering excitedly. The library which had been his sanctuary all those previous years was now a death trap.

"Looks like you should run," Rose commented, an amused look on her face.

"That's kind of obvious!" He quickly crawled out from under the table and found himself face-to-face with the hormonal group of amorous witches.

They kept advancing toward him, saying things like, "Hihihhihihiihihihihihihi," or, "Hihihihihihihihihihihi," while attempting to give him boxes of chocolate. He bet his invisibility cloak (that he forgot in his dorm room) that those fancifully decorated chocolate hearts that bore his name were filled with love potions. Only one way to escape: RUN!

"Potter, slow down! No running in the library allowed!" So there the librarian was. That's right, yell at me when I'm trying to escape a fate worse than death while you don't do anything about people snogging in plain sight!

There was another place that Scorpius was often seen, and that was Professor Plot-hax's classroom where he worked on extracurricular potions projects. Albus raced down to the dungeons and threw open the class door.

As he predicted, his blond friend was sitting in one of the seats, bent over a cauldron and carefully stirring something that steamed within. The Malfoy looked up with a note of surprise while Albus threw himself underneath the desk. Shortly soon after, the witches caught up with the crouching Slytherin and quickly surrounded him.

"Mr. Potter, what in the world is going on?" Professor Plot-hax's question was drowned out by the chatter of the assuredly lovely ladies.

"Albus. Severus. Potter." An icy tone cut through the squealing of fangirls. Albus blanched. He was screwed.

"Um, hi Scor," He sheepishly peeked from under the table. "Nice to see you here."

Scorpius Malfoy was not easily angered, mainly because he wasn't the type of bloke to blow up on people and was naturally shy in the first place. Whenever he was confronted with conflict he would either back out of the situation or react passively to it. Thus there was little that could anger him.

However, it had been literally a month. A MONTH. Since Al, his best friend, had come to him for help in running away from his...ehm, fans. Now, normally Scorpius wouldn't mind this at all; Al had helped him in tons of situations and whenever he couldn't find the courage to speak up himself, Al was there to help out. Except, this was the thirtieth time this freaking month and Scorpius was tired of being left in the dust while Al tried to escape his fans. Not to mention that he still had a potions project due on top of his normal school work, especially with O.W.L.S. approaching just around the corner.

"Nice to see me?" Scorpius said quietly. "That's all you got to say?"

Albus started to panic at the shadows that covered the normally quiet Ravenclaw's eyes. "Look Scor, I didn't want to lure them here-"

"'DIDN'T WANT TOO' ISN'T A FREAKING EXCUSE, BLOODY IDIOT! COULDN'T YOU THINK OF A BLOODY FLIPPING BETTER PLACE TO RUN FROM THOSE LUMPS OF TURD! AND YOU!" The Ravenclaw spun towards the fangirl girls with a snarl.

All the fangirls stood in silent shock because when has Scorpius Malfoy ever shouted? Or swore? It was almost as if he was replaced by an alien of sorts.

"DON'T YOU BLOODY HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN CHASE AFTER A MORONIC TEENAGE BOY? SQUEALING AND GIGGLING, WHAT ARE YOU SPEAKING, 'PORKISH'? YOU'RE LIKE A HORDE OF PIGS! NO GUY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVEN GO AFTER YOU SORRY EXCUSES FOR WITCHES ANYWAY! COMPLETELY PATHETIC, YOU LOSERS! NOW LEAVE OR ELSE I'LL GIVE YOU ALL A REASON TO SQUEAL!"

Terrified, the girls began to make a break for it, rushing out of the classroom. In the blink of an eye, they disappeared before either of the two friends could make any sort of comment. Albus's face broke into a strangely elated smile. "You're the man, Scor. You're the man."

"OH DON'T YOU FREAKING START, ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER! I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU! THIS IS THE THIRTIETH TIME THIS MONTH! CAN'T YOU FIND A BETTER HIDING PLACE OR HAS THE FAME GOTTEN TO YOU? SOME OF US LIKE OUR PEACE AND QUIET! HAVEN'T YOU THOUGHT OF HIDING IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT FOR EXAMPLE? HAVEN'T YOU GOT BRAINS OF YOUR OWN, OR HAVE YOU LEFT THAT BEHIND LIKE THE REST OF THOSE IDIOTS?"

"Scor, please…" The Slytherin nervously reasoned. But Scorpius did not calm down.

"IN FACT, I CAN THINK OF EVEN BETTER PLACES YOU CAN HIDE! YOUR INVISIBILITY CLOAK, FOR ONE! OR YOU COULD ALWAYS STAY IN THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM! GO TO THE OWLERY OR ASK ONE OF THE TEACHERS WHETHER YOU CAN STAY IN THEIR ROOM! MAYBE EVEN VISIT HAGRID, FOR MERLIN'S BEARD! HE WOULD GLADLY ENJOY YOUR COMPANY, LAST I BLOODY DAMN CHECKED! YOU COULD EVEN VISIT THE CHAMBER OF SLYTHERIN'S SECRETS, MORON!"

"Calm down! You're attracting a crowd!" A group of students stood outside the door, watching the drama unfolding.

"DON'T TELL ME TO BLOODY CALM DOWN! THIS IS THE LAST DAMN STRAW, AL! I. WILL. NOT. HELP. YOU. HIDE. EVER. FREAKING. MERLIN'S LIFE. BLOODY. AGAIN. FROM YOUR. FANS! NOT UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR 'SPARKLY MANLY GREEN' EYES GOUGED OUT, YOUR INTESTINES STRINGED UP IN THE OWLERY OR FED TO THE WOLVES, YOUR HAIR BURNED TO A CRISP, OR GET BOILED IN ACID! IN FACT, I COULD ALSO CASTRATE YOU!"

The onlookers gasped at that last one; some of the boys flinched and crossed their legs, their hands protectively covering certain areas. And a girl once described his eyes as being a 'sparkly manly green' before, true story.

Albus was a dead man and he knew that. He put on a completely calm mask and said very seriously (if not for the comical tone of the situation), "If you are listening, please write this down. I bequeath all my belongings, including my cloak, to my younger sister. And my final statement is this: Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, my best friend and my brother in soul. Please forgive me. I am sorry. Also I confess to taking your pudding that one time in third year. You can kill me for that too."

There was a silence to his statement and Albus blinked in surprise. "Scor?"

"Reducto."

"Gah!" The Slytherin blanched once more and immediately darted out from under table. Running over quickly to the other side of the room and watched at his best friend stalked over to him. "Uh Scor, violence is bad, remember? You're the one who always says that!"

"So it was you? The pudding thief?" The furious expression on Scorpius' face was replaced with a much darker, menacing look. "That's it! Scourgify!"

"Boys, boys!" Professor Plot-hax exclaimed, casting a charm that prevented the violent Ravenclaw from getting anywhere near Albus. "That's enough! Detention for the two of you, and Mr. Malfoy! This requires an immediate referral! Twenty points from Ravenclaw and Slytherin each."

"This isn't over, Potter." Scorpius glared at his best friend and current enemy.

Albus teased. "Are we not on first name terms anymore?"

Well, that's how the story sort of ends. They got over it pretty quickly. As for Albus's fangirls? They stopped bothering him for the rest of the year. Although apparently Scorpius gained a few to Albus's silent glee. According to Rose who they both asked why on earth would girls chase after Scorpius especially for putting them down like that.

"It's just a teenage thing. They'll get over it," was her only reply. They both groaned in frustration. I guess it's something I'll never understand, Albus thought with a sigh.

The End...for now…..