"I'm fine, you know?" His voice was gruff and his face was stern. There was nothing to be gotten here.
"I know. I just…."
"Just what? Are checking up on me? Did he send you?"
"No, Jay! No…. but…."
"Spill it, Grayson."
"I…I need you to tell me something."
"What?"
"Did we do the right thing?"
The question seemed to take Jason by surprise. Immediate reactions clashed with each other and he honestly didn't know the answer to the question. He lapsed into silence as he waited for one of the raging emotions to win out. "In saving my life? Harsh…. What do you think?"
"You know what I think Jason. That's why we did it in the first place. But… I know that you don't necessarily agree with that…."
"I don't have a death wish, Grayson. I've been there, but I'm not in a hurry to go back."
"But you've said yourself that not everyone wants to be alive, and… I guess I need to know that we didn't make a mistake."
Jason made no attempt to answer his question. Grayson shifted uncomfortably in the silence until his discomfort forced him to pursue further curiosity.
"When we fight, would you really kill me?"
"Yes," Jason answered without hesitation. Something triggered in his mind, but he repressed it. He had no problem with sending others to their deaths.
"Why?"
"Would you hesitate in knocking out a serious threat?"
"I wouldn't kill them."
"I'm not you."
Another silence fell over them.
"Why don't you trust us?"
"When has trust ever been a big thing in our family?"
"Then why do you come when the Robins get together? Why do you fight with us?"
"I am a Robin, aren't I?"
"What does that mean to you?"
Again, Jason didn't answer. Another pause filled the air as Jason took to checking his guns, and making sure they were loaded, even though both men knew that they already were. Jason did not look at Grayson, who was sitting on the ground beside him, instead they both stared forwards, towards the blue sky, which was slowly turning ruddy orange as the sun began its descent.
Neither spoke as the sun dipped under the horizon. They watched the sky fade from orange to pink, magenta, and then into violet and blue. Soon the lights of the city were coming on. It wouldn't be long before the Bat-Signal was up, calling the masked heroes to the aide of the city. Grayson and Jason, by unspoken consent, rose and started to pick their way across rooftops towards the Bat-Signal. They both knew that Bruce wouldn't be there, but the Robins had agreed to meet there tonight in order to go on a mission of their own. There was a large drug deal going down near the harbor, nothing big, and the situation definitely did not merit the presence of all four Robins, one would have been enough, but it had been too long since they'd all been on a mission together, and especially after the incident with the Joker in the Batcave, they all felt that it was important that they go the extra mile to keep accustomed to working together and building a trust that Bruce's lies and secrecy could not deter because it was created completely outside of his machinations. Grayson and Jason arrived at the Bat-signal just as Damian appeared, swinging onto the roof with one of his cables.
"Grayson," he greeted. The boy just nodded at Jason, but it was enough of an acknowledgement to keep them both happy. Jason and Damian, though arguably the closest in terms of personality, had never really developed their relationship beyond the legacy of the name. Grayson and Damian were as close as brothers, and Damian and Tim were almost always fighting about something or other, but the shared legacy made them workable as a unit, and, in the field, that was enough. "Where's Drake?" Patience had never been one of the boy's finer qualities.
"He'll be here," Grayson assured.
They only had a few moments to wait before Tim landed on the roof, apparently having glided down from a great height. He took in the area while still in the sky and just nodded to the assembled Robins as his feet touched the ground. "We going?" he asked when none of them moved.
Grayson didn't answer but turned his attention skyward, trying to discover Tim's ride. "Connor?" he asked eventually.
"The Titans had to deal with some stuff before I could show. He was just making sure I wasn't late."
"Since when are supers your cab service?" Damian asked sarcastically.
Tim did not deign to respond and instead the group made their way to the docks without words. Routine and habit took over as they separated into groups, Tim and Jason, and Grayson and Damian. Tim and Jason snuck to the right side of the harbor, concealing themselves behind crates of cargo, while Damian and Grayson took the high ground, securing a vantage point. Both Grayson and Tim took to photographing the operation, and after a few minutes, Grayson said into his comms, "Well, at this rate, we won't even need to break them up. They literally handed us the evidence."
"Too easy," Damian snorted. It was a literal statement. If it had been a higher class operation then some double play might be plausible, but these men were working for the new kid on the Gotham crime block and there was nothing here to justify a fight.
"I didn't come here just to look pretty," Jason said.
Robin missions routinely had violence involved as a way of team building and honing their combat skills, but they frequently involved the more technological aspects of the job as well. This time, it seemed like it was going more the way of violence. Grayson soon acquiesced to Jason's request and it wasn't long before all Robins took flight amongst a hail of gunfire.
The first two men were down before they were even noticed they were under attack, courtesy of Grayson and Tim, but it wasn't long before Jason and Damian sailed passed them to engage the first of the armed men. The scuffles were quick. Grayson almost literally took flight, keeping light on his toes and travelling mostly through the air as he knocked men out with high kicks and the sheer weight of his form. As was the law of Robin missions, Jason shot bullets into non-vital aspects of the human anatomy. Jason had no problems with killing, but the others were strongly against it, and they compromised with this after Jason had utterly refused to swap his regular bullets for rubber ones. Tim, as always, focused his battles more close quarters, keeping his foes within range of his bo-staff and legs, kicking them down and swiping them aside. Damian was a flurry of movement, action everywhere. Keeping up with the young Wayne was futile, and his competence allowed for his freedom.
The battle was all but over, only one more gunman standing. Tim watched him, as Grayson and Jason worked on felling the last of their respective foes. Damian was already streaking towards the final foe, but there was a snick and a flare of sound, and a bullet streaking towards Jason. Tim knew that the bullet, different than those previously, was meant to sear through Kevlar, and suddenly panic filled him. He knew that Jason had heard the shot, knew that Jason, as fast as he was, would not be fast enough. With all possible speed, Tim raced for his brother, shoving Jason to the ground, falling downwards with him allowing their momentum to carrying them to safety. The bullet whizzed overhead as Damian reached the gunner, knocking him out with a quick punch to the face. Grayson and Damian then moved to converge on Jason and Tim.
Tim rolled off Jason almost before he heard the bullet hit one of the crates, and he was kneeling next to the fallen Robin, as Jason slowly pulled himself into a sitting position.
"You alright, Jay?" Tim asked, grinning. "That's another one you owe me." The comment was light-hearted, but one look at Jason's face made Tim immediately regret it.
Jason's face was as white as chalk. His eyes were wide and disturbed. He turned to Tim, his visage bordering on mad, not angry, but truly insane. "Don't ever do that again, Tim."
Confusion filled the younger man, but he held his ground. "Jason? Are you—"
Jason interrupted him before he could finish. "Don't EVER do that again."
There was silence as Jason rose to his feet and then ran towards the crates, leaping up their height before disappearing beyond them. Tim waited for Grayson and Damian to exchange glances, and he exchanged a quizzical look with Grayson. "Should we go after him?"
"I'll go. Tim, call the Commissioner and get the boys to bring these ones in."
Tim nodded and he and Damian watched as Grayson hurtled up the crates and disappeared after Jason. Tim and Damian exchanged another glance before the younger one shrugged. "What? He's always been temperamental." Tim resisted the urge to swat Damian over the head, knowing that it would only end in another fight, and instead focused on calling Commissioner Gordon, trying not to think too much about what had just happened.
Grayson knew that Jason had allowed him to follow him back to his base, and for a while, it mystified him. It implied that Jason wanted to talk about it, but that was inconsistent with the character of his brother. Instead of confronting the issue, Grayson merely waited, hidden in the upper levels of Jason's nest, while Jason went about his business below. After an hour and a half of waiting, Grayson finally caved and slipped down to the main level.
"You ready to talk now?" he started.
"Nope. I don't want to talk, Grayson."
"I wouldn't be here if that were true."
Jason did not address the comment, but instead asked, "What do you want from me? Seriously, Grayson? Do you want me to tell you what it's like to be dead? What it's like to dig yourself out of your own coffin, only to find that you've been replaced? Do you want me to tell you what it's like to have your family shun you because you don't up hold their doctrines? All the things you'll never experience because you are the Bat's golden boy?"
"Jason, this isn't about me. And this isn't why you were mad at Tim."
"Maybe it is. What would you know?"
"You were mad that he saved you. Do you really want to be dead that much? If so, when why not end it? Why not just kill yourself and be done with it? No more nightmares, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more Bruce, or me, or Tim, Alfred, any of us. If you really want to be free of it all, then why not just end it?"
Jason didn't answer. He didn't even look at Grayson.
Grayson took that as a sign for more goading. "Are you really that afraid? Come on, you should be used to dying at this point." For a long moment, Grayson was sure that Jason would stand and punch him solidly in the face. Grayson wouldn't even try to stop him at this point. He deserved it for his last comment. But Jason didn't move. Instead, he let a deadly silence hang over them, until Grayson came to a realization. "You are afraid. But not of death. At least, not for yourself. You're afraid of Tim dying."
"Death is something that eventually gets all of us. It's part of the job," Jason said derisively.
"But you know what it's like. You know what they're in for."
"I don't want to think about this, Grayson."
"You don't have to face this fear alone, Jason. We can protect them, together."
"Like you and Bruce protected me?"
"Jason…."
"That's my point, Dick! No matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, we can never guarantee that any of us will make it out alive. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just me taking the risk, but it's all of us."
"Jason, that's why we run the Robin missions. That's why Tim saved you tonight. So that we can all make it out."
"It'd of been better if he'd let the bullet hit me."
"So you can take the easy way out? Jason those are the words of a coward. And the Jason Todd I know isn't a coward."
"How well do you really know me?" Jason asked.
"As well as any brother can know another."
"I'm not your brother."
"You are, Jason. You, Tim, Damian… You're my brothers, and I am yours."
"Brothers are something you're born with."
"Brothers are something you chose to have. "We chose to be a family." Those are your words."
"So I lied," Jason said, his voice indicating that it was a common enough occurrence.
"No Jason, you're lying to yourself, now. They matter to you. They matter enough to get you this disturbed because they are your brothers. Remember when you and Tim first found out I was alive? You almost called us brothers then, but you caught yourself. You don't want to admit it, but that doesn't diminish the truth."
There was a long moment in which no one spoke.
"I know," Jason finally whispered, to himself or to Grayson, it was hard to tell.
Jason then turned to Grayson, eyes locking. "You weren't wrong to revitalize me in the Lazarus pit. I know that I am not life's biggest fan, but as long as I am here, I can help keep the rest of you out of trouble and alive. Tonight….. tonight reminded me that I am not the only one on the team who death can touch, and it reminded me that I am not the only one who is trying to keep us all together and fighting…. But…. It's just…. Tim, entering that horrible ice…. For me….I—I just…" Jason stammered for a moment before tapering off.
"He's the only one death hasn't touched yet," Grayson murmured. To himself, to Jason, he wasn't sure which.
Jason nodded slowly, without making eye contact.
"You should thank him." Grayson glanced at him, sympathy filling his visage, but Jason did not meet his gaze.
Slowly Jason nodded, still not making eye contact. A beat passed in silence. "How do you do it, Dick?"
"Do what?"
"You're so open to everyone. You have all these connections, so many friends…. any one of them could be ripped away from you, and plunged into that mere-wash of misery, literally at a moments' notice… How do you deal with it all?"
"You were the one who said that we had to trust each other, Jason. And that doesn't just mean to have each other's backs, though it means that too. It also means trusting each and everyone one of us to know our limits, to offer what we can, when we can, and, to some extent, to take care of ourselves. We're out there because we believe in the fight. We believe in our cause and we are all willing to die for it."
"That's because you don't know what death is like," Jason insisted, "not really."
"Whether we do or don't, we'd still be in this line of work. You're the example of that. You've lost everything to the war and yet you're still here."
"Where else would I go?" It was presented as a nonchalant, throw-away line.
"Jason, with your skills, you could do literally anything," Grayson quipped. "But you didn't. You came back to finish the fight. And that tells me, that this fight is worth dying for."
"You're a fool."
"Maybe so. But without all of this," he gestured vaguely at their costumes and surroundings, "then I wouldn't be half the man I am today. And yeah, a lot of it sucks. Being a vigilante is not going to top the list of dream jobs, but it gave us all purpose, and more than that, it brought us all together. And that is worth fighting for."
"Are you done with the "inspirational pep-talk" yet?" Jason asked, feigning more boredom then he felt.
Grayson grinned. "Yeah. Are you going to come back to the Manor?"
"What for?"
"To apologize to Tim."
"For…?"
"Snapping at him after he saved your life. Come on, Jay. You owe him that much."
"I don't owe him anything," Jason retorted.
"Jason, I know that it's always harder to change than to stay the same. And it always will be. But don't you have anything worth changing for? Even if it's not us?"
Jason looked at Grayson for a long minute. Grayson's face was open and malleable to his emotions, and Jason was aware of the vulnerability that existed in his brother's eyes. He looked into Grayson's eyes, but he peered into his own soul. Did he have anything worth changing for? Even though it wasn't going to be easy? Did he have anything worth truly fighting for, and sacrificing his goals for? History proved that he did. More than once, he'd given up his goals to save both family and friends, because at the end of the day, they were more important to him than his goals; more important to him than his fear of death. And he knew that he could face it, even if they did pass on, and that they could if he did. Their work hardened them. Death still brought tears, but it also brought resolve. And sometimes, conversations could bring resolve too.
"Alright. Let's go."
And Grayson grinned.
The two men entered Wayne Manor by way of the third story window, and then padded their way to Grayson's room where they knew that Tim and Damian awaited them. There had been no communication to set up this meeting, but they all knew each other a little too well to play the ignorant here. Grayson opened the door and the two moved into the room, Grayson moving to the bed, shoving Damian onto one side in the process, from where he had been sprawled across the entirety of the mattress. Tim sat in a chair by the window. Jason remained standing by the door. His gaze shuffled to the floor and stayed there as he tried to place his thoughts into order.
"Well?" Damian, obstinate as ever, was in no mood to wait around for petty sentimentality to take place.
Jason just sighed, but he took the prompt for what it was. "Tim," he started slowly. "I want to thank you for saving my life before."
Tim looked at him and smiled, a small, Tim smile. "No problem. We all would have done it."
Jason smiled and released a heavy sigh of relief. That is, until he glanced at Tim's face. "And…." The younger boy prompted.
Jason sighed again. "I'm not good at apologies, Tim."
"Try."
"I know you figured it out already. I know you understand what's going on."
"And I know you understand it too," Tim countered. "Trust is important Jason. This is what is involved in keeping it."
Jason tried to revolt against the idea, or to discredit the group and leave, but in the end, Grayson was right. He enjoyed being a Robin and relished the trust of his peers, his family. This was his thing worth fighting for. He knew Tim forgave him, and he knew he needed to take some steps to earn it. "I'm sorry for snapping at you Tim. I was wrong. And please, save my life any time."
Tim smiled. "Good. We couldn't bear to lose you again, especially not after your most recent attempt." Tim paused as he considered something. "That was alright though, right? Us bringing you back? I know that it is hard and that it never gets any easier, and in a lot of ways it was selfish of us to do it, but… it was okay right?"
The uncertainty in Tim's voice, the need for his brother's agreement brought something of a half-smile to Jason's lips. He glanced briefly at Grayson before returning his attention to Tim. "Yes."
Tim nodded. "Good. Because I'm not sorry that we did it. You're too important to lose."
"So are you," Jason caught himself muttering. He swore at himself under his breath. Apparently Grayson was rubbing off.
"What was that?" Tim asked. His tone was a little too knowing for complete oblivion, but Jason honestly didn't think that Tim had heard everything that he had just muttered.
"Nothing. I'm going to bed."
"You're staying the night?" Grayson asked. It was a rare thing for Jason to accept the privileges of being a full-member of the Wayne family.
"Yeah. It's late and I'm tired. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Jason," Grayson and Tim chorused. Damian just released his signature "tt".
Jason moved down the hallway and opened the door to his old room. It was exactly the way that he had left it the last time he was here, with the exception that the bed was made. He smiled. Good old Alfred. Jason changed quickly into a set of pyjamas, then moved to his bed, and pulled back the covers. He slowly climbed into his bed, and under the warmth of the comforter, he allowed himself to smile and to feel the warmth that existed further out in the house, in the five beating hearts that comprised the Wayne family. Yes, the thought, it's good to be home again.
He let his thoughts wander, tracking their progress as they flicked through the full range of his family. He caught himself unconsciously grinning as he relived past encounters and fights. The fights with his siblings and family evolved into those he'd had with several villains and other heroes. He reflected on his life, and inevitably his death. The cold empty nothingness that always seemed to be on the edge of his consciousness threatened to flare up, but something kept it down. In a detached way, he reviewed his life, until he surprised even himself with a conclusion. And it's good to be alive. With that thought in mind, Jason allowed himself to slip into the comforting swell of dreams.