I didn't leave Clarke's side the entire way back to Arkadia. While we'd left the wounded and those too exhausted to walk in Polis, I couldn't leave Clarke, and I'd tied her to a horse to make sure she'd make it back. She only stirred a few times, when she'd mutter apologies and fall back asleep. Bellamy walked on the other side. He seemed to be in a trance. I didn't try to talk about Octavia with him, but anyone could see that her departure had broken him. He held onto Clarke's hand like she could save him.

I looked over at Marcus, walking beside Bellamy. His face was still, with no indication of the breakdown after Clarke had broken our link with A.L.I.E. He didn't look like someone who'd just tried to kill the boy walking next to him. Marcus had been instrumental in getting everyone down from the tower after the insurgency had blown the elevator shaft. Marcus and Bellamy had worked together, both shoving back their pain.

I tried not to think of Jaha, walking a way behind me, because when I did I wanted to kill him.

The party that walked through Arkadia's gates at dawn was a silent one. The mist cloaked our footsteps and Arkadia felt cold and unwelcoming. After all, we'd brought about the downfall of its people.

As we trudged through the yard, Raven emerged from the front door, limping badly. Her pain was written all over her face.

'You should be resting,' I said, but my voice shook, and it had no conviction. I couldn't play the confident doctor anymore, not after all the people I'd hurt.

'It's ok, doc,' she said. Miraculously, her voice retained its levity. 'I'd rather be in pain.' She smiled tentatively, then hugged me tight. 'Thanks for saving me, doc.'

I didn't need to say anything back. She quickly set to work on the ropes that tied Clarke down, then with Bellamy and I, helped lower her from the horse's back. Bellamy took her in his arms, for which I was grateful; I would have been useless right now. I hadn't given myself enough time to recover after being strangled before I walked from Polis to Arkadia.

'Take her to the hospital,' I said, once again trying to infuse my voice with the authority of the camp's doctor. It just felt so fake.

I followed, uncaring for the moment about how the rest of Arkadia would settle in. Bellamy settled her in one of the beds, where she seemed to rouse slightly. Her eyelids flickered open, and tears slid down her cheeks.

A hand on my shoulder made me jump.

Marcus was smiling sadly down at me. He had this way of smiling that turned his mouth down. It squeezed my chest to see it. He was trying so hard to be strong.

'They need you, Abby.'

'No one needs me,' I said, not able to look Marcus in the face either. It was my fault he'd taken the chip. It was my fault Arkadia had fallen.

'It's not your fault, Abby.' It was Raven in the doorway. My eyes immediately went to the bandages at her wrists. They were filthy. Dark circles cupped her eyes, and her mouth turned down at the edges as well, but her eyes were as piercing as ever.

'I did this, Raven. I told everyone it was safe.

'I looked up at Marcus, who looked at me with such tenderness I had to look away again.

'It was A.L.I.E, Abby,' said Raven. She was at her most no-nonsense. 'You couldn't have fought her.'

'You did.' This was a source of greater shame than I wanted to admit. Raven had managed to fight A.L.I.E's influence, when I couldn't.

'Abby. You are the closest thing we have to a leader now,' said Kane. 'You need to go out there and tell your frightened people that they're going to be ok.'

'You do it,' I snapped, 'I need to stay with Clarke.'

'Clarke will be fine, Abby,' said Kane.

'I'll stay with her,' said Raven.

Clarke was asleep again, and Bellamy hadn't left her side. He sat, holding her hand, staring into nothingness. I was willing to bet he hadn't even heard our conversation.

Raven limped over to us, and put her hand on my other arm. 'You were the best Chancellor we ever had. No offence, sir,' she added wryly to Marcus. He smiled a real smile, then. Raven's attempts at jollity, even so half-hearted as they were, warmed me.

'Let's go out there together, Abby,' he said, 'they need to know we can all make it through this. Together.'

The milling crowd outside looked lost.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Marcus squeezed my hand, and stepped up to the stage.

'People of Arkadia,' he began. I couldn't take it. He looked so calm and sure as he convinced the people that they would all pull through; that their strength was up to the challenge facing them as we got through this together.

In my mind I saw his face while he was placed on the cross. He begged me to wake up, and I ordered grounders to nail him to the cross for the crime of protecting my daughter. He allowed me to drive nails through his body rather than give up Clarke. He only gave up to save my life. I'd let him down time and again. Now he was stepping up to be the leader I didn't deserve to be.

He finished his speech to cheers from the crowd, as families began the process of knitting themselves back into a unit and back into Arkadia with the help of his words.

He stepped down from the podium to me. He only had eyes for me but his gaze burned me.

'I've got to see if anyone needs help,' I said lamely.

'Abby,' he objected, but that was his only protest as I walked away.

There were some minor injuries; none severe enough for immediate care. I directed a few to the hospital to get injuries cleaned up, but they were mostly older injuries, or injuries of the soul which I could do nothing about.

I saw Jasper sitting in a corner, his head on Monty's shoulder. He looked like he'd lived three lifetimes since he'd rescued Raven from Arkadia. Since I'd let my people shoot at him and my daughter.

There was no one I could look at without pain. Jackson was doing the same as I was doing, with probably the same look on his face. He didn't want to think of what we'd done. When he caught my eye, I'm sure he only saw the woman holding a gun aimed at his chest, ready to pull the trigger. We both dropped our eyes quickly.

I realised I'd done all I could do when I found myself back at the hospital after dark. The whole day had gone and I'd managed to avoid all the people I needed to.

Bellamy seemed to be dozing in the chair beside Clarke's bed, but Clarke was awake. She looked at me with such hope, that it squeezed my heart. She might have been forced to grow up too young, but she was still my little girl, and I think she still expected me to heal her hurts.

'Where does it hurt?' I asked, stroking the hair back from her forehead like I used to when she was a toddler waking up from a bad dream. This was a bad dream times a million.

'Everywhere,' she said. Tears started streaming from her eyes. 'I don't know what I can do,' she whispered. 'I don't know what I should have done. I'm so sorry.'

'You saved us all,' I whispered, 'you did everything you could do and more.' Thinking about how close my daughter had come to death, again, made my throat close up and I couldn't say any more.

She closed her eyes, the way I had been doing; blocking something out. I wanted to ask her about what had happened in the City of Light, but she needed time, and I would give her that.

'Can I come in?' It was Monty.

'Monty?' Asked Clarke, hopefully. 'Are you all ok? Is Jasper ok? I saw him in the City of Light.'

'Jasper's…' he broke off, clearly he couldn't justify the use of "fine", and I didn't blame him.

'I'll leave you for the time being. I'm here whenever you need me, Clarke,' I said, squeezing her hand. Her eyes begged for something, but I couldn't tell what. Understanding? Forgiveness? All things I needed from her. I was projecting my feelings onto her, I was sure of it.

Marcus was waiting outside. I didn't object as he fell into step beside me. I didn't know where I was going until we passed a few people who nodded at us. 'Chancellors,' they said. It was an acknowledgement. We made our way to the Chancellor's chambers. We needed to make plans for Arkadia's future again. It felt so familiar.

He only spoke when we were alone.

'Abby,' he said. The look was back on his face. Gone was the confident leader. The man who'd cried in my arms only yesterday was back.

I wrapped my arms around him again; it seemed only natural to hold him close when he needed me.

'I should never have left you here,' he whispered. Our parting, which felt like decades ago, lingered in the air, but another kiss intruded between us. When I'd manipulated him into betraying everyone and everything he believed in.

I stood back. He looked at me longingly but I cleared my throat and changed the subject.

'We need to start moving forward,' I said.

'Abby, stop.' He gripped my wrist and pulled me back towards him. 'Stop trying to run away.'

'I just want to make sure we're ok.'

'We're not ok. We're not ok by a long shot. You're not ok, Abby. Talk to me.'

'About how I betrayed you?'

'And I betrayed you? I would have killed you to get to Clarke and then I would have killed her. I almost killed Bellamy.' His voice broke on Bellamy's name. After trying so hard to save him, A.L.I.E had put them on different sides again. 'I strung Indra up to die.' I remembered his face when he had helped Octavia finish taking Indra off the cross. Indra had only been semi-conscious when Octavia had taken her away, but Marcus had wanted to object. He had so much he wanted redemption for, but we all did, and it was going to take time.

'I tortured her,' I admitted, quietly. It was the first time since I'd woken up and been hit with it that I truly felt what I'd done. Marcus's face froze at my admission, because he saw the horror on my face. This wasn't another tick on the list of things we'd all done under A.L.I.E's influence. This was different.

'Who?' He asked, but he already knew the answer.

'Clarke,' I croaked out.

He wrapped his arms around me again, and I couldn't resist. I'd never been held like this before. He was giving my absolute permission to feel it all and I did. All the pain I'd caused flooded through me, but Marcus kept me together.

I don't know how long had passed, but eventually my head cleared and he was still holding me. We were sitting on the ground; his arms formed a solid cocoon.

I nestled my head into his neck and realised something that I had only had an inkling of when he'd been sentenced to death. I would never love anyone as much as I loved Clarke, but here was another person I would never be able to live without.