Habits (Stay High) - Tove Lo

One-sided Freed x Laxus

Laxus x Mirajane

Play Pretend

The bottle isn't as cold as I want it to be, and its contents aren't burning agonizingly soothing holes in my throat anymore, but I can't say that I mind. There are more ways to inflict the kind of pain that provides a sense of comfort that can layer itself over years of accumulated pain like it was a neat bandage. Alcohol isn't the only solution to the thing that's eating away at me, as though my life was its lunch and my soul was its snack.

I don't drink like the others can; I'm surprised that I haven't fainted dead away already, with Cana laughing at my inebriated state and Mirajane chuckling behind her hands before using those hands to drag me to the overnight rooms.

The hands that have touched you in ways that you would have never allowed me to do for you. They've probably traced the rims of your earlobes and the tips of your toes and every inch of your body between with barely a protest from your mouth. You probably would have encouraged it—begged for it, even, if you were desperate enough.

And you were.

In the years that we were away from the guild, I knew that you were always desperate to return back to Fairy Tail just to see the long, wavy strands of Mirajane's silver-pearl hair and have her fingers run marathons across your skin. I knew that you dreamed of her by the way that you groaned in your sleep, calling out her name in low moans while you shook in the throes of the pleasure that you had to bring yourself.

You never found out that I watched you, hoping that one day I wouldn't have to hide myself and simply touch you without the fear of being rejected or shamed. You never noticed the way that I would purposefully linger by your side, longer than Evergreen and Bickslow would, whenever you called us to your side. You never saw me the way that I wanted you to see me.

Then again, I never asked that of you.

"Freed?" I look up to see you, standing at the bar with a worried look written all over your face. It's a look that I want to kiss away beginning with your— "Are you alright?"

No, not when I want to smooth the creases on your forehead and stretch your frown into a smile. The smiles that you reserve only for your fiancé. "Yes, of course." It's not as if I can say anything else besides that on the night of your engagement party.

"Then lighten up on your load." You point at the line of bottles that trail a fair portion of the bar. "You don't usually drink like this, you know."

I know.

I smile and nod before silently toasting you, tipping the bottle's neck back after raising it high. Your eyes scan my face in a dubious expression and although there is no heat behind the look, my heart trips in my chest under your attention. Even after you look away, I can't quickly calm the troublesome organ.

Until I follow your eyes, and see that it's her that captures your sights and holds your heart. She's busily circling the guild's tables, stopping every so often whenever someone wants to look at the ring upon her finger. She looks as if she's glowing with the happiness that you've given her, and is only politely pausing for people because she knows that you love it whenever she flaunts your love. As if she's admitting your possession, just as your contently relaxed expression proves that you are hers.

And only hers.

Mirajane looks to you, a smile widening in her lips, when you're pointed at by Lucy. The both of them are probably talking about you, something along the lines of whether the date has been set for your wedding.

But I can't listen to whatever they say about you, because of how the woman you love looks at you. The way that she can just smile to make you happy, to make you feel the love that she has always given you. The way that she needs only to give you a glance to make you know the thoughts that she's thinking. The way that she has been able to do so for all of the six years that you've known her.

And I can't stand it.

I've been by your side every since I was born at the guild. I've done everything that you've ever wanted me to do. I've forgiven every sin that you've ever committed.

Why can't it be me? Why can't it be me who's allowed to love you? If I could have been allowed to openly pour out my heart and soul for you, I would have.

But I didn't. I couldn't, no, I can't. Not when you love her so much, and she loves you more.

While I love you the most.

Sorry Freed :[

Fairy Tail and its characters belong to Hiro Mashima and these words belong to me.